To think this isn't neglect?

[twentytimes]

3 children aged 11,5 and 4. Eldest is sometimes left alone with the little two for several hours and is on her own once a week from after school until midnight. 4 and 5 year olds have on a few occasions been left alone for up to half an hour. They have mums number and know how/who to contact if something goes wrong, nothing ever has though.

Little two are never put to bed because they don't want to. Most nights they eventually fall asleep on the sofa whilst watching tv and are either left there or carried up to bed. They're allowed to watch whatever they want, 5 year old is easily scared so doesn't but both the 4 and 11 year olds will watch adult rated films or tv programmes.

They do what they like with their appearance as long as they aren't in school or it doesn't break school rules and are overall just given a lot more trust and freedom than most children their ages. They aren't spoilt with material things and are told no but if they want to go somewhere or start a new club for example they are almost always allowed. They don't have many rules at home but are expected to follow other peoples rules and are disciplined if they break them or are rude

They are all very happy and confident children, very polite and not badly behaved. Their Mum really loves and supports them. None of them complain or are upset by any of the things I mentioned, if they ever were then Mum would change her parenting.

I know this probably isn't the best example of parenting and If I ever have children I wouldn't do the exact same but AIBU to think its just a different parenting style rather than neglect and that I don't have a moral obligation to report any of this?

Report to social services

Yabu

According to the NSPCC neglect is:
Neglect is the ongoing failure to meet a child's basic needs and isthe most common form of child abuse.

A child may be left hungry or dirty, without adequate clothing, shelter, supervision, medical or health care.

A child may be put in danger or not protected from physical or emotional harm.

They may not get the love, care and attention they need from their parents.

A child who's neglected will often suffer from otherabuseas well. Neglect is dangerous and can cause serious, long-term damage - even death.

If this was actually happening then yes it would be neglect.

This is not good.

I was that child, aged 8+, in charge of db aged 4 while parents went out. By 11, it was for overnights. And like the missing one we don't talk about (much), left hither and thither in hotels from the age of 4.

I'm 61. I still wake up screaming, some nights.

That 11 year old is way too young for the responsibility. Definitely neglect.

If it isn't neglect, what is it?

Kids are always properly fed and washed. All doing well at school, mum always helps with homework and has intervened when there has been any issues. If any of them are ill then Mum will stay home and look after them.
I accept that there are serious issues I need to help sort out but she really isn't that terrible.

'not that terrible' shouldn't be anyone's parenting mantra.

Not that it's your responsibility at all OP, but could you help look after them while your mum works? Particularly the late shift? I can understand your reluctance to involve SS given that it is your mum but she IS neglecting them. If you do not want to report it then I'd there any way you can help the situation at all?

It's really strange because I started babysitting for families to earn money at aged 11,yet this set up doesn't sit well with me at all. Are the kids really happy about being left alone or does the eldest just not want to rock the boat and the little ones not know any better, because although this may not be classed as neglectful I can't see the kids feeling that secure. What is the 5 year old doing when the other two are watching adult rated tv programmes?

I'm finding hard to know this is wrong because I ended up fine anyway.

You say you ended up fine, but if you don't consider this to be neglect I'm afraid your judgement is NOT fine at all and I'd be concerned about your own ability to safeguard.

I've got an 11 year old. I sometimes leave her home alone but never for longer than 30 minutes. I might ask her to watch her younger siblings whilst I went outside to put the recycling out but I would never leave the property. It is neglectful.

I've seen a little boy very screwed up by being allowed to watch horror on TV. At the very least, not policing what they watch is neglectful. The rest doesn't seem too bad to me, although I would always have taken my kids with me when I nipped to the shops, etc. The thing about being left to sleep on the sofa is a bit sad. They don't want to go to bed? No kid does, but they have to learn to. I'm sorry, OP. I don't know what I'd do if I were you. I suppose, talk to the 11 yr old and see how she/he feels? Then talk to your mum. But you need more info about what is/is not acceptable. Is there someone sensible you can ask IRL?

It is neglect, OP. Yes, you should report it. From what you've said, I'd think it very unlikely that Social Services would take the children away immediately. They will explain to your mother what things are not acceptable (leaving the younger ones alone at all, leaving the 11yo alone for so long and in charge of the younger ones), so that she can make the necessary changes.

For the sake of your siblings, please act. If you have turned out okay, great. They may not be so lucky.

This sounds a bit like my upbringing. Yes it's neglect.

I dunno about these days and I don’t know if I would do it when mine are older (currently 4, 3 6 months) but when I was younger we were left at home in the school holidays whilst my mum went to work as there was nobody else and she couldn’t physically afford childcare, I think I was 7, so my brothers were 9 and 5. Wouldn’t have blamed my mum for it at all considering she had no parents to rely on and other family would have been working she obviously didn’t have us and then intend to do that, my father was around when I was little but had a stint in prison.

I was raised much more questionably than my siblings are being which is I guess why I'm finding hard to know this is wrong because I ended up fine anyway.

I'm intrigued by this. Could you elaborate because this might give us a bit more insight -plus Im a nosy bitch-

A nosy bitch who doesn't know how to do a strikethrough lol

It is neglectful, firstly it's not an 11 year old responsibility to parent it's siblings.
Secondly how would the 11 year old be able to cope in the event of an emergency? There's some great advice about leaving children home alone on the nspc website that is very helpful.

It's absolutely neglect. Anything could happen to them.

However, according to MN HQ it's not neglect when you leave children even younger than that alone all evening and go off to a tapas restaurant. Any poster that says that's neglectful parenting gets their post deleted.

I do help out with childcare, would be more than willing to help out more if it was asked but I live nearly two hours away so it has to be prearranged.
I look after the little two the one night a week when Mum works late, 11 year old was given the option to start staying at home as it meant she could do an afterschool club.
Its a friday night so she stays up untill mum gets back at midnight and then they go to bed, I assumed 11 was an acceptable age for this but maybe I have really messed up judgement.

I also think it’s quite rude to suggest that because someone was brought up this way and they regard it to be fine (because they’ve LIVED IT, rather than just judging it) it affects their ability to safeguard their own children? How rude!

What is it with threads today? You need to give your head a wobble OP. This is definitely lazy and dangerous parenting.

Massive neglect in my opinion, especially the 4 and 5 year old being left for any time alone. 11 is responsible to be alone a while but not in charge of other children and definitely not until midnight.
Sounds pretty shitty parenting