To think this isn't neglect?

[twentytimes]

3 children aged 11,5 and 4. Eldest is sometimes left alone with the little two for several hours and is on her own once a week from after school until midnight. 4 and 5 year olds have on a few occasions been left alone for up to half an hour. They have mums number and know how/who to contact if something goes wrong, nothing ever has though.

Little two are never put to bed because they don't want to. Most nights they eventually fall asleep on the sofa whilst watching tv and are either left there or carried up to bed. They're allowed to watch whatever they want, 5 year old is easily scared so doesn't but both the 4 and 11 year olds will watch adult rated films or tv programmes.

They do what they like with their appearance as long as they aren't in school or it doesn't break school rules and are overall just given a lot more trust and freedom than most children their ages. They aren't spoilt with material things and are told no but if they want to go somewhere or start a new club for example they are almost always allowed. They don't have many rules at home but are expected to follow other peoples rules and are disciplined if they break them or are rude

They are all very happy and confident children, very polite and not badly behaved. Their Mum really loves and supports them. None of them complain or are upset by any of the things I mentioned, if they ever were then Mum would change her parenting.

I know this probably isn't the best example of parenting and If I ever have children I wouldn't do the exact same but AIBU to think its just a different parenting style rather than neglect and that I don't have a moral obligation to report any of this?

It’s neglectful in several ways.

The 11 year old should not be in charge of these children.

Listen to the other posters and trust me when I tell you this is a mental health timebomb for that child.

Op... does your mother have any mental health issues of some form of learning disability?

I hope that question doesn't offend you or anyone else but I'm struggling to understand why any nt, mentally well adult would do this when they don't have to, as you said she has childcare options.

Watch 24hours in Police Custody, and then let us know if your friend us happy leaving her kids to their own devices in a village cut off from everyone with 1 neighbour who knows that small kids are being left unsupervised.

No learning disabilities, she's very intellegent and succesful in all other area's of her life. She has had mental health issues in the past, as far as I'm aware she isn't currently struggling though and it wouldn't explain why the kids have been treated like this anyway.
I don't undertsand either why its happened either, I've only just fully accepted that its wrong after 100's have people told me it is. Its what she's always done and nobody has ever told her to stop before.

It is not at all surprising that you couldn't see that this was wrong, @twentytimes - you grew up with it, and it is your 'normal'. It must be very hard to accept how wrong your mum's actions are, and to face the need to deal with it - and with her.

You are showing great strength.

To me this is very clearly neglect.

An 11 year old should never be left to supervise a 5 and 4 year old.

It's absolutely neglect, pretty much textbook.

I have a five year old ds and my blood runs cold reading this.

I had a mother's helper who was 12 last year when he was 4, I never left the house while she was there, would just go in to a different room. I'd fully expect to have been reported to child services if I had. Let alone leave TWO of them alone, it's actually making me tear up to thinks of these poor kids, including the 11 year old.

because I ended up fine anyway.

Ive recently been thinking a lot about this statement and the adults who had 'questionable' childhoods and make this claim . I knew quite a few . I've come to the conclusion that none of them are fine and they all have issues that their don't usually acknowledge .

OP, I know someone like you describe. Highly intelligent, from a very intellectual family. Single mother. Regularly left 4 and 7 year olds alone at night because she needed to go to evening classes for her own sanity and getting sitters was too much faff. She told me absolute amazement the other day that her son admitted it used to be quite scary and he felt responsible for his little sister. She had no idea. How anyone who is not mentallyill or an uncaring monster could fail to empathise with tiny children to that extent baffles me. But these people exist.

Also OP (and I say this extremely gently) but the fact that you're thinking this kind of behaviour isn't awful, shows that your views on neglect are a big skewed. It's not your fault, and I'm not suggesting in any way that you'd do this with your old children, not at all - but the way you were raised has left its mark on you in that you don't necessarily see what others do about this situation. You're right in. That they're fed etc. And as I said they're not going to be a priority for SS. Buy at the least your mum needs some support and education.. I'm really sorry OP - it seems that it's affected you more than you might have thought

This

My parents were both psychiatrists and did it!

I went to a very good independent school and taught at public schools, boarding schools etc and this kind of emotional neglect is very common. We all knew our parents careers came well before our needs and just learned to be well behaved and cause as little fuss or trouble as possible. You bottle up your feelings and get on with it. It’s only as an adult I developed problems with paralysing depression. I worked in boarding schools with massive self harm problems and when I spoke to the girls, a lot of a time they spoke of feeling like they were in the way and their parents didn’t want them around, they saw themselves as an inconvenience and didn’t know any other way to release emotion. More than once I heard, “I actually asked to board cos I never saw my parents. At least here I’ve got people keeping an eye on me and I have friends and teachers that I can talk to and who care about me.”

Very sad and not at all uncommon in my experience.

If this is how your mum behaves with her younger children then it's not surprising that you don't recognise this as neglect.
Was she like that when you were young?

I have a very mature 12yo, and the thought of an 11yo at home alone for 8-9hrs on a Friday night makes me so sad.

For perspective, they're only in school for around 6hrs.

It's just such a long time, and such a vulnerable position to be in.

It's not right OP. I'm sorry that you had a similar upbringing.

Shady Lady that's heartbreaking.

100% neglect. Surprised you are even questioning this OP. Needs to be reported to Social Services asap before an accident happens. Do the right thing.

It's neglect. I wouldn't be happy with any of it. I actually thought this was a jokey post at first.