Hairdresser = old bully.

[FirstNameSurname]

I went to a new hairdressers today. Booked with a senior stylist "Sarah". When I arrive I was greeted and sat in a chair, receptionist explains the stylist is running late and points over at her. She is my old school/teen bully. Her bullying was severe and prolonged, ended with me hating secondary school and then leaving college early and isolating myself. I am now in my 30's but it still brings back a sick/nervous feeling. Seeing Sarah again completely shook me. She looked over and smiled at me and went back to doing the other person's hair. I gave my full, unusual name at booking and felt she was expecting me.

I got up and returned to reception, asking for the manager. I explained to the manager that I was a new client and the back story. I told her I wasnt comfortable with having my hair cut by Sarah and asked for a different person or to cancel. I was told that no other stylists were available. Options offered were pay a £10 cancellation/non attendance fee or have Sarah and manager would keep an eye on us. I again declined and told them I wouldn't pay to cancellation fee. They then offered a junior stylist but told me I would still need to pay the senior stylist fee as that's what I had booked but now declined.

I left saying I would take the cancellation fee issue up with the owner if she calls me, when I left they were clearly unhappy.

I've checked the website and social media, there are no pictures of Sarah so I couldn't have known it was her before arriving. If I knew I would have cancelled.

If/when owner calls do I complain about how its being handled and refuse to pay, pay up and complain or just block and ignore? I'm swaying towards paying and complaining but I hate the idea of paying my bully any money.

I'm glad you stood your ground - well done. I think the tenner is neither here nor there. You could have coughed up then just to be done with it but you didn't , so I wouldn't worry about it. They hopefully won't bother chasing you for it.

I certainly wouldn't have wanted a school day bully anywhere near me and, having read other people's similar stories, I'm glad I now live far away from where I grew up. I had a miserable school life due to at least a dozen horrible girls. Sometimes I see them on Facebook and shudder. One requested me as a FB friend and it took me a long time to decide whether to even accept or not. I did. Interestingly she seems to have grown into an absolutely lovely woman, with values similar to my own. Could hardly compare that with the nasty piece of work she was as a child. I wonder if the other bullies are similarly much nicer as adults. This is not to play down how awful bullying is at any stage of our lives but you can't necessarily write someone off for what they did as a child, nor still hold them accountable. Better to focus on bringing up our own children to be mindful of the pain they can cause and how people can carry that pain with them forever.

That said, keeping away from them, at all costs, is completely understandable

Huge well done for not letting her have power over you and walking away. What you told the manager was factual and correct and succinct.

They’re not going to chase you for that £10 when they were also running late.

That sounds horrible, I expect your blood ran cold. I'm so sorry you have had this experience. I would ignore the phone call or block the number.
I hope you are ok. That's the main thing. x

Good on you! Don't pay the £10, that is also in a way bullying, you don't own the salon anything.

Hopefully that 'Sarah' will get sacked
What a foolish comment; sacked for something she did as a teenager which has no relevance to what she does now. I sympathise with OP in not wanting Sarah to do her hair but teenage misdemeaners are hardly a sacking matter 15 years later.
If she had robbed a bank it would be a spent conviction by now

Op you are obviously worried. If you weren't you wouldn't have given this a second thought.
I personally think you should sleep well in your bed tonight knowing that you prevented a bully from reaching you.
Well done

So, Sarah the bully has won again.

This must be the most juvenile tread I have ever read on Mumsnet and that's saying something!

You would not have cancelled unless under significant stress. I think that the manager should have shown empathy and made sure that you were ok to discreetly leave, rather than try to charge you.

I do not think that they should instantly judge their employee, but if she shows signs of bullying others in the salon, they will know that this is a long-term issue for her.

I expect you are still feeling vulnerable now, is there anything you can do to relax and/or build some confidence?

So go slow maybe a thing.
I agree with Rtb. We should tteat it as a peaceful protest against remain protest. However, they were not upfront or organised enough to make ot a legal protest. This could be because most of the don't have the time to march.
Respect is called for, on both sides and for each other

It's very upsetting to read that some people think long enough has gone by that the victim should let the bad behaviour go. Is there a rate card for what should be moved on from regardless of misdemeanour or crime ?

Wrong thread to post. Sorry

Walk away and never see or give her a second thought again. I bet she's ashamed in retrospect. But if not, then who cares. The traumas are over, don't let it dictate your life.

I think you were within your rights to say no in this instance. I would not have wanted someone who had bullied me providing a personal service like hairdressing.

I would point out to those who say "it was in the past, she may be lovely now"- you are spectacularly missing the point! Whether she is or isn't a reformed character doesn't change things one iota for the OP. It doesn't mean she can, or should, be comfortable with this woman cutting her hair.

Psychologists report that those who have been severely bullied, and especially if over a sustained period or on multiple occasions, can have profound effects on mental health. Some can be as badly affected as those who have suffered abuse- which is not surprising as bullying can be emotionally and/or physically abusive in its nature. Low self-esteem, anxiety disorders, depression and even PTSD are all recognised as long-term sequelae of severe/persistent bullying in childhood/adolescence. I don't think you can wipe that away with "it was 15 years ago, get over it". I'm not saying seeking revenge would be a sensible response, but nor would just suppressing their feelings and just pretending all was fine when faced with the person who caused so much damage. Especially if this course of action is predicated on the need to spare the feelings, embarrassment or reputation of the person responsible for that on the basis that "they might have changed" or "it was a long time ago" or "they were young" (well the latter perhaps if we are talking very young children) or even "they were having a tough time at home".

As for "you can't hold them responsible for what they did as a child or teenager". Perhaps not with bullying in much younger children- though I think it may be hard to forgive if it has affected you badly. However, if this bullying is at14/ 15/16 years or older- actually, I think you can hold the person accountable for their actions, at least to some extent. They would have known what they were doing was causing upset/fear/intimidation and was wrong, and would have been a deliberate choice to continue such behaviour. If the bullying was severe and persistent, consistent with a form of abuse (and bullying to this degree isn't as rare as hens teeth), then I don't see why it shouldn't be viewed as such. If they are 17/18 years- they are over the age of legal responsibility, and so I think can be expected to have known that what they were doing was unacceptable. After all, at that age they are old enough to leave school, drive a car, be employed, join the armed forces, getting married or start a family. So if old enough to do that, they were old enough to be accountable for their actions if they have bullied someone.

Some of the tales I have heard of bullying have been truly horrible and have left untold, and often permanent, psychological damage. I don't think you get to walk away from that saying "It was x years ago and I was only 16 years old so I can ". You can say "what I did was wrong, and I've worked to change my behaviour" but it doesn't mean what you did is simply forgotten by the person you damaged.

Whilst I'm all for 'forgive and forget', I also feel that it was a powerful way for this woman to see that nasty actions have consequences that can come back at you at any moment in life.
Well done for being brave and standing your ground.

Well done you for standing up to further bullying from the salon. If they don't have your card details how can they get the cancellation fee from you ?

Block salon and ignore.
Karma's a bitch

When l was young, l worked in a bar. One of the other bar staff was as thick as thieves with manageress, and treated me and one of the other young barmaids terribly. Accused us of all sorts (even implied that l had stolen money from behind the bar, which later turned out to have been put in the office by the manager), and was just generally vile.
Fast forward about ten years, l was shopping in town and l heard someone calling my name. When l turned round, lo and behold it was this woman, walking towards me and smiling like we'd been best friends. l waited til she got up to me, then l looked straight at her and turned and walked away, leaving her standing there.
No way would l have wanted her anywhere near me, so OP, l totally understand how you feel, more so when she was going to be doing something so personal as styling your hair. You absolutely did the right thing.

if she did and the hairdresser can show OP had notice of the cancellation fee the hairdresser would win despite the absence of any signature from OP

this would be true, if the salon had offered a stylist at the booked time. I think there is an implied term that if you book a service for x o'clock, you get it at x o'clock (this isn't the NHS). They were running late.

And I would also challenge it on the basis that it is unilateral - ie they can cancel at will but the customer can't. Unfair contract term.

I wouldn’t really call it standing up for yourself.

OP this person may be a completely different person. She might have been desperate to apologise. She might be an arse but you didn’t give her the chance.
I understand that it may have triggered many feelings for you.
Do you feel that you have grown as a person, possibly changed in the past 15+ years? I think you should have given her a chance.

I do think you owe the cancellation fee. This does feel very petty. If I owned my own business and one of my customers used this as an excuse, then I don’t think I would expect that response from an adult.

All that actually happened today is ...... you didnt get your hair done

Well that was the OP's preferred outcome.

And it would be mine. As I said above, I would not want a personal service being carried out by someone who made me feel uncomfortable, whatever the reason for that.

No, I don't think you should pay. If "Sarah" has any remorse for her actions, she would offer to pay it.
I hope you are OK- it must have been upsetting to see her after so long.

Well done for standing up for yourself. They could have recouped some of their loss by letting the junior stylist do your hair and not charging extra. Unless they have your credit card they can't charge you a cancellation fee so forget about it.

Good for you - bully's terrible behaviour comes back years later and bites her in the bum! She can't have felt thrilled at the cancellation either, but perhaps now she feels a little bit humiliated and 'exposed', just like those she tormented years ago. And no - I wouldn't be paying anything to that salon. They can't make you!