Hairdresser = old bully.

[FirstNameSurname]

I went to a new hairdressers today. Booked with a senior stylist "Sarah". When I arrive I was greeted and sat in a chair, receptionist explains the stylist is running late and points over at her. She is my old school/teen bully. Her bullying was severe and prolonged, ended with me hating secondary school and then leaving college early and isolating myself. I am now in my 30's but it still brings back a sick/nervous feeling. Seeing Sarah again completely shook me. She looked over and smiled at me and went back to doing the other person's hair. I gave my full, unusual name at booking and felt she was expecting me.

I got up and returned to reception, asking for the manager. I explained to the manager that I was a new client and the back story. I told her I wasnt comfortable with having my hair cut by Sarah and asked for a different person or to cancel. I was told that no other stylists were available. Options offered were pay a £10 cancellation/non attendance fee or have Sarah and manager would keep an eye on us. I again declined and told them I wouldn't pay to cancellation fee. They then offered a junior stylist but told me I would still need to pay the senior stylist fee as that's what I had booked but now declined.

I left saying I would take the cancellation fee issue up with the owner if she calls me, when I left they were clearly unhappy.

I've checked the website and social media, there are no pictures of Sarah so I couldn't have known it was her before arriving. If I knew I would have cancelled.

If/when owner calls do I complain about how its being handled and refuse to pay, pay up and complain or just block and ignore? I'm swaying towards paying and complaining but I hate the idea of paying my bully any money.

Good for you lovely, very brave and right if you. more fool them hiring someone with such a bullying past. I always wonder what happened to the school bullies of my days.

All these people saying "Hopefully Sarah will get sacked" must be living in cloud cuckoo land. If the attitude of the receptionist is anything to go by they won't give two shits about it. They are probably all pals and in my experience bullies tend to be popular and confident with strong personalities. Receptionist will probably tell Sarah that you came in making up some story, Sarah will say she doesn't know you and they will all forget about it. That is how the real world works. If I was the Receptionist and you explained that situation to me the last thing in the world I would say is "That will still cost you £10" . I would be genuinely moved by your story and concerned that you were so affected by her that you had to leave instantly. These are not nice people, they won't care, Sarah will not be punished or taught a lesson in any way. Justice only gets served like this in films. I think you did the right thing, hope you're ok.

Well done OP.

I think you’ve done right, and if your instinct was to be honest and explain why to the manager, that’s absolutely your right too.

The bullying was your life experience and it has affected you. You don’t need to apologise for that or hide it, or protect the perpetrator from something they did in the past.

If it comes back to haunt her, she will have to live with it too, just as you are, and rely on people to be understanding of what she did as a child just as you have to rely on people to understand what happened to you.

Well done op
You absolutely did the right thing.
I doubt they will ring but if they do and you want to draw a line under it tell the owner you will post it don’t go back.

Nope no cancellation money - you didnt sign a contract did you? It’s the risk of them not taking a deposit I’m afraid and their problem. Ignore and block and find another hairdresser

Don't answer the call/say they've got the wrong number

No don't give it a second thought. If you had to leave your card details, cancel your card and order a new one with the bank. Sorry you had to see her. Well done on speaking up.

Don't people ever move on from their childish past? She may have felt bad about her teenage persona and been dreading seeing you again. I once was almost driven out of teaching by a group of vindictive teenage girls. A few years later I was at the checkout and the assistant said, Oh you used to teach me. I were a right cow, weren't I? My reply was Yes, you were, glad to see you seem to have improved!

you didnt sign a contract did you?

Irrelevant. Oral contracts are also binding.

Oral contracts are also binding

But unless recorded not worth the paper they're written on.

All the people saying she should be fired etc step back and think for a moment. The OP may well be genuine (I'm not doubting that, it's not my poijt) but how does the salon know? Anyone could go in and accuse staff of anything, should they be fired over one customer with no evidence?

The mind boggles.

The continued discussion about whether the salon can enforce an oral contract or not is irrelevant though. The stylist was not available at the arranged time. Hence any agreement to honour the appointment or pay a cancellation fee is void. Hence the salon manager is a CF trying it on.

But unless recorded not worth the paper they're written on.

Not so. We all make lots of oral contracts every day, every time we buy goods or services, and each of those contracts is fully binding. In this case the chances of the hairdresser taking OP to court are obviously minimal, but if she did and the hairdresser can show OP had notice of the cancellation fee the hairdresser would win despite the absence of any signature from OP.

People change FFS! Isn't it possible for this woman to have changed in the last 15 years? And you're tarring her with being a bully to her colleagues.

Leopards don't change their spots It's a good job people aren't leopards then! Humans can and do change their behaviour as they grow and mature.
I'm not commenting on Sarah but it is a ridiculous saying that is not helpful.

Takingshape12 - I would highly doubt and would want to see and hear definite proof from a bully as to whether they'd changed or not.

As you saw from my post - my bully - well she apologised via FB messenger to me and wanted to meet up - there was no way I really wanted to meet up and kept stalling on that. I think she really wanted me to 'forgive her'. The funny thing about it was the bully had since become some earth mother/New age hippy type and had a career doing 'alternative therapies' etc - she tried to get me to sign up with a complimentary session and then of course get me hooked in for a block booking where of course I'd pay. There was no way on God's sweet earth that I'd let her any way near me - I've had therapy - partly for bullying but I got the feeling she wanted a quick fix re my forgiveness of her.

I was also bullied at work (see a pattern maybe?!) by two people - the first bully I've avoided ever since - and have had the occasional 'friendly email' from her when I've had contact her for work reference reasons - I get the feeling she feels remorse as when I left she said sorry to me at my leaving party - but again - I don't trust her and sorry I won't forgive her. I may forget but not forgive, especially as the bullying was denied by her!

I am not doubting that some bullies can change their behaviour as they mature etc but for me - I still feel it's at the heart of their basic personality makeup and can be quite hard to change.

Good on you OP.

I was the target for every cunt in my year at secondary school. I was spat on, sexually assaulted (not severe, but involved two boys blocking the door while a third did it, and only stopped when interrupted) and beaten up. I left education at 15, and was in my 20s before I could walk past a group of boisterous teens without altering my route or being incredibly anxious.

You’re traumatised twice by severe bullying. First by the act, then by the school tell you it’s no big deal. After the sexual assault, I was in tears because my next lesson was with the ringleader sitting close to me, and the vice principal told me not to be ridiculous when I asked her to call my mum to take me home.

Does any perceived revenge on Sarah matter?

The OP was asked why they did not feel comfortable and so told the truth. She had to give an answer and there is no reason why she should lie. Whether that impacts Sarah or not is not the OP's bag to carry.

Does the fact that the salon is out of pocket matter?

The appointment was not available at the time booked. The fact that the OP would have forgiven the lateness had someone other than Sarah been the stylist is neither here nor there. If the salon cannot keep to the time booked then they are the ones who have broken the agreement. The OP should charge them the cancellation fee

I was also bullied at work (see a pattern maybe?!)

It has been proven in psychological studies that people who are bullied/ beaten/ abused remain psychologically vulnerable and give off a "vibe" that predators can spot very easily, and will home in on.

This is one of the reasons why some people are NEVER affected, and why others are repeatedly bullied and taken advantage of all of their lives.

It leaves what is termed a sort of "learned helplessness", which causes people to be unable to stick up for themselves, where other, less vulnerable people would have no difficulty. It is particularly bad when the victim has not had any support, help or even been listened too and believed. Where a victim's fears and descriptions of bullying etc are dismissed as "nothing", or are discounted as exaggerations or lies, they learn that there is nothing they can do to prevent or escape their torment.

It is vile, insidious and life-affecting.

And the proportion of bullies who change their behaviour is small. Most just become more subtle in the way they exert their malice.

It has been proven in psychological studies that people who are bullied/ beaten/ abused remain psychologically vulnerable and give off a "vibe" that predators can spot very easily, and will home in on.

Yes - I've also read that people from abusive homes are more likely to marry abusive partners. Pretty horrible stuff.

Schadenfraude

Agreed re being bullied syndrome. I've had therapy since my work bullying involving CBT and I think now, since then, I'm not cured but I'm able to spot bullies more. However, I am probably even more likely to give off a 'defensive' vibe.

I actually agree re a previous poster who said they think school bullies should get some sort of sentence or proper punishment - all too often schools brush it under the carpet and let the victim be harmed, leave school etc and the bully in most cases is at the most suspended but rarely excluded. Even in workplaces though, bullying is hard to prove, hard to take action against and so many bullies deny and/or deflect from their actions.

In this case re Sarah - even though OP didn't mention the bullying - personally I think she should have mentioned the bullying rather than downplayed/sidestepped it. The salon might choose to ignore etc but as a previous poster who was a salon manager said - they'd speak to the bully/stylist - and I actually think that's a good idea. Salon and other customer interaction jobs are about customer care/relations/satisfaction. If there was a complaint from another customer re Sarah the stylist's work how does the salon know that Sarah won't go into bullying mode - aka deflection, denial etc... The salon doesn't know that.

My current hairdressing salon FWIW is lovely - most are - some aren't - but I know the owner quite well and she does my hair. Never seen a hint of bullying by staff to customers or between themselves and the whole salon gives off a vibe of friendliness and professionalism. A previous salon where I knew the owner, I'd known her for years and sociliased with her and as I'd known her since I was much younger we considered each other 'friends', but she constantly bitched about her colleagues past and present and even some of her clients. When it came to me leaving that salon for my current one - I didn't think the owner was a bully as such but I thought her behaviour - bitching about people and then giving off a 'friendly vibe' to members of the public - that showed to me traits of maybe becoming a bully or bullying, controlling say especially the bitchy aspects.

Perhaps if they don't follow it up it might be nice to spend your well deserved tenner on a treat for your self OP for handling a truly difficult situation really well.

It must have been hard to be suddenly faced with a person who bullied you in the past.

It's completely irrelevant how long ago it was. Are we to say that any abuser is automatically off the hook after a period of time has passed?

You were completely justified in explaining the situation to the salon. You were bullied. It happened.

Any PP who feel that you should have done anything other than what you did have no idea of the effects of being bullied.

for you.

OP, I think you handled it perfectly and with dignity.

It's irrelevant whether Sarah has now changed, or whether her colleagues believe that she was a bully or not. Sarah and her feelings are of no consequence. The only thing that matters is how the OP feels now. And not wanting her bully to get anywhere near her hair with a pair of scissors is a completely normal reaction.

If the salon call you, I would tell them exactly that. She bullied you, she made your life miserable and you are under no obligation to now think the best of her or to give her the opportunity to prove to you that she has changed. Obviously you'll never be able to return to that salon but I'd tell them that I would not be paying the £10.

Well done OP! You’ve got guts! I cannot wait to see what happens abd if they ring you for the rennet. I highly doubt they will.

It's irrelevant whether Sarah has now changed, or whether her colleagues believe that she was a bully or not. Sarah and her feelings are of no consequence. The only thing that matters is how the OP feels now. And not wanting her bully to get anywhere near her hair with a pair of scissors is a completely normal reaction.

Very well put Sn0tnose

MadameDD - it's a dreadful situation, isn't it? Even when you can intellectually accept that you are capable and adult and able to defend yourself - emotionally you are still reduced to a shivering ball of terror and misery.

I don't know if bullies realise the real and lasting pain they cause - but I suspect they wouldn't care anyway - or might even consider it a bonus.