Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

Hairdresser = old bully.

310 replies

FirstNameSurname · 21/03/2019 13:16

I went to a new hairdressers today. Booked with a senior stylist "Sarah". When I arrive I was greeted and sat in a chair, receptionist explains the stylist is running late and points over at her. She is my old school/teen bully. Her bullying was severe and prolonged, ended with me hating secondary school and then leaving college early and isolating myself. I am now in my 30's but it still brings back a sick/nervous feeling. Seeing Sarah again completely shook me. She looked over and smiled at me and went back to doing the other person's hair. I gave my full, unusual name at booking and felt she was expecting me.

I got up and returned to reception, asking for the manager. I explained to the manager that I was a new client and the back story. I told her I wasnt comfortable with having my hair cut by Sarah and asked for a different person or to cancel. I was told that no other stylists were available. Options offered were pay a £10 cancellation/non attendance fee or have Sarah and manager would keep an eye on us. I again declined and told them I wouldn't pay to cancellation fee. They then offered a junior stylist but told me I would still need to pay the senior stylist fee as that's what I had booked but now declined.

I left saying I would take the cancellation fee issue up with the owner if she calls me, when I left they were clearly unhappy.

I've checked the website and social media, there are no pictures of Sarah so I couldn't have known it was her before arriving. If I knew I would have cancelled.

If/when owner calls do I complain about how its being handled and refuse to pay, pay up and complain or just block and ignore? I'm swaying towards paying and complaining but I hate the idea of paying my bully any money.

OP posts:

Orangecake123 · 22/03/2019 20:11

If you've been bullied you'd "get it".

Well done OP, I doubt they will chase you.

Catsinthecupboard · 22/03/2019 20:14

Soupdragon
YES. Bullies are bullies bc they get away with bullying. They do not respond to kindness.

A bully came to me when we were adults. She needed my signature. I made darn certain that she knew and understood why I wasn't helpful.

She tortured me during years 4-6. She pretended to be my friend then used information to make up half truths and humiliate me.

Bahahaha. (Only time I have used that)

It was one of my happier moments with people who aren't close to me when I was able to hold something over her head for a few days then release her from her agony.

Because I am not unkind. But those people do need to fully understand that they're not untouchable.

shrumps · 22/03/2019 20:19

Obviously you don't pay, and were completely within your rights not to let her do your hair. But i would have so tempted to let her do it and then complain about how utterly shit she was.

stayathomegardener · 22/03/2019 20:21

I came across my bully unexpectedly at a hairdressers appointment she washed my hair.

It was SO awkward.

Wish I'd walked out, I was 17 that was 33 years ago. Still annoys me a tiny bit now that I didn't.

Go you OP.

Jr567673 · 22/03/2019 20:23

I think this goes a bit beyond just not liking someone. OP was clearly in quite a state and that's very understandable. As others have said if you were bullied you'd get it

LimitIsUp · 22/03/2019 20:35

I wasn't bullied but I still get it, and I am very impressed by OP and her calm assertiveness in this awkward situation.

Older children / teens may be immature is some ways but do know right from wrong and an older child / teenager who bullies someone else shows a fundamental character flaw which is immutable in my opinion

Tinkerbelle57 · 22/03/2019 20:39

Definitely do not pay the £10.
Were you aware you may have to pay it when you booked?
If you hadn’t turned up, how would they have found you to collect their cancellation fee? You probably only gave them a phone number.
Only somebody that doesn’t understand what bullying can do to someone would think you should pay it.

Catsinthecupboard · 22/03/2019 20:39

Sorry OP,

Hooray for you! On behalf of people who have been bullied everywhere, i salute you.

That would me my worst nightmare! I couldn't believe your title.

I read with trepidation. Hoping you did not allow her to touch you.

You are my hero!

And don't give them any money.

Catsinthecupboard · 22/03/2019 20:41

( i meant sorry to have gotten sidetracked by soupdragon's comment.

Springiscomingsoon · 22/03/2019 21:02

Just wanted to say ....

YOU ROCK

Fightthebear · 22/03/2019 21:02

to you OP.

Lou12124 · 22/03/2019 21:05

You have got some balls to do that! You're amazing for standing up and saying that. No friggin way would I pay the cancellation fee. Customer is always right...shame on that hairdressers for pushing back and saying you need to pay it. Tell them where to stick it! Let's face it...your not going to get bailiffs turning up at your address over £10. I would just make sure that you spread the word AND name of that hairdressers of how shocking they have treated you!

shitpark · 22/03/2019 21:34

Good for you OP, well done! No way would I be paying the cancellation fee

jade9390 · 22/03/2019 21:37

Well done and do not pay. They are not going to chase you for £10.

Original poster

FirstNameSurname · 22/03/2019 21:48

Thanks everyone for the replies. I've had time to calm down, consider things and a puking DS to take my mind off it. In hindsight she I feel she definitely was expecting me, the look on her face told me she knew the reaction I would have. It wasn't empathetic, it was gleeful.

Not paying the £10 was only important then because it felt like I was protecting myself and a sense of not losing anything else to her. If the salon calls I have something prepared to say (not nasty, just so I'm not panicking again) but ultimately if they are willing to call and ask for it, I will send it to them. It's not as important to me now I have left. If they are going to use that to see me in a bad light, negatively or validate what she may have said, I would rather give them the tenner and not allow them that. But I'm not going to inflame the situation by returning and handing it over without the call.

I offered solutions to the issue but really I'm glad none worked out. I have long hair so a cut isn't going to matter if it's this week or next but I think for my mental health it was better to not prolong the situation.

I'm not going to occupy my thoughts considering if shes changed or not. Until the salon she wasnt important enough to think of, it was the shock and memories rather than her that caused my reaction. I'm not going to give her the mind space. I've had a look at grounding techniques for if I happen to see her again, thanks whoever's suggested that.

My focus isn't on revenge, wanting her sacked/expecting they would consider sacking her or writing bad reviews. It's not really important to me if her colleagues believe me or her, it happened, I've grown and will work on calming myself in those types of situations. I wont be returning to her salon and will go in to book, making sure I see the stylist, at a new one.

Thanks for everyone's insight, its helped me be more balanced and helped me not feel as isolated. When you have been bullied you tend to feel like the only one, its comforting to know others have been in similar situations.

OP posts:

Kath246 · 22/03/2019 21:52

Now you've found the bitch, isnt it time to deal with her?

Afineexample · 22/03/2019 22:04

Kath246 No. The best thing to do is continue to live your life and try not to give her another thought.

DeathByMascara · 22/03/2019 22:05

My school bully lives in the next village along. When I first moved here, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, thought she was young, having a bad time, had grown up, etc. Then heard that she had continued to treat people as badly and still does so now.

She works in midwifery. Commented that she might be in the theatre when I delivered my youngest. I made sure I was crystal clear to everyone I dealt with in the run up to his delivery, that she was not welcome in the theatre or anywhere else close to me during my delivery or recovery. I explained why as well, in brief terms. It was genuinely one of my biggest concerns going in for a section, that I would encounter her in such a vulnerable position.

Those who haven't been bullied can never understand the lifelong impact it has on a person. I have never managed to shake the feelings of unworthiness she engendered in me as a teenager.

Springiscomingsoon · 22/03/2019 22:05

@FirstNameSurname
I've read your latest update and I thought it would be worth repeating my earlier post:

YOU ROCK!

Flairhead · 22/03/2019 22:07

My bullies haven't changed. I moved away from my home town for uni and haven't seen them since I left school, but my sister still lives there. She was out with her boyfriend once and saw two of them in the same bar. They knew she was my sister and started acting like they were taking selfies, but they were clearly taking pics with my sister in them somehow.

There is no way in hell I would accept an apology from my bullies. Obviously in my case they haven't changed, but if they tried to say they felt really bad about it etc, I wouldn't want to know. They've scarred me and don't deserve forgiveness.

twoshedsjackson · 22/03/2019 22:13

I am so impressed by your lack of vindictiveness; I'm not sure if I could have reacted so calmly. I'd be thinking more in terms of relishing the prospect of telling all in the small claims court.
An old proverb says, "The best revenge is a life lived well", and I think, on the whole, that I'd rather live inside your head than hers!
Even if this has left you in turmoil, your bully doesn't know that, and explaining herself to her boss can't have been enjoyable.

Afineexample · 22/03/2019 22:14

Most of the time, the apology is to make them feel better. Of course, some feel genuine regret for their actions, but really, the best thing a bully can do for their former victim is to stay away from them.

James2002 · 22/03/2019 22:25

Ok, salon owner here, so if this happened in my salon then l would absolutely not expect you to pay the cancellation fee and l would feel extremely embarrassed if a client had to have this conversation with me. I would hate to think l had a bully working for me even if it was in the past, l would also take into account my view of her and if she was good at her job and lf l had had no problems with her prior to this then I'd draw a line under it. but l wouldn't be very impressed. As far as a cancellation policy is concerned l have this written in the salon and on appointment cards so by making an appointment you are agreeing to this policy however this can not be enforced until the client trys to makes another appointment then we would ask for payment at the time of booking and the cancellation fee is added. Under these circumstances the cancellation fee is not appropriate.

TakeNoSHt · 22/03/2019 22:49

You have done the right thing by highlighting the reason with the manager and walking out. You could have just lied and later kicked yourself for not saying anything. This shows her you are stronger now and can stand up to bullies. Well done. I wouldn’t trust the madam with a pair of scissors anywhere near me either. If they phone looking the money then tough. Tell them they’re luckily you are not the type to name and shane on social media. You wona and beat the bully be proud 😊

NC4Now · 22/03/2019 23:05

My bully appeared in my street, fitting speed bumps, years after the event. I thought I’d moved on but it was like a punch in the guts.
I’m sorry so many have been through this. There’s a lot of strength in this thread.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13