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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hairdresser = old bully.

310 replies

FirstNameSurname · 21/03/2019 13:16

I went to a new hairdressers today. Booked with a senior stylist "Sarah". When I arrive I was greeted and sat in a chair, receptionist explains the stylist is running late and points over at her. She is my old school/teen bully. Her bullying was severe and prolonged, ended with me hating secondary school and then leaving college early and isolating myself. I am now in my 30's but it still brings back a sick/nervous feeling. Seeing Sarah again completely shook me. She looked over and smiled at me and went back to doing the other person's hair. I gave my full, unusual name at booking and felt she was expecting me.

I got up and returned to reception, asking for the manager. I explained to the manager that I was a new client and the back story. I told her I wasnt comfortable with having my hair cut by Sarah and asked for a different person or to cancel. I was told that no other stylists were available. Options offered were pay a £10 cancellation/non attendance fee or have Sarah and manager would keep an eye on us. I again declined and told them I wouldn't pay to cancellation fee. They then offered a junior stylist but told me I would still need to pay the senior stylist fee as that's what I had booked but now declined.

I left saying I would take the cancellation fee issue up with the owner if she calls me, when I left they were clearly unhappy.

I've checked the website and social media, there are no pictures of Sarah so I couldn't have known it was her before arriving. If I knew I would have cancelled.

If/when owner calls do I complain about how its being handled and refuse to pay, pay up and complain or just block and ignore? I'm swaying towards paying and complaining but I hate the idea of paying my bully any money.

OP posts:
Drivemecrazy1974 · 21/03/2019 14:36

Those people who are saying the OP is in the wrong don't know what they're talking about. I think you did absolutely the right thing, OP.
I was bullied horribly when I was at school. By boys. Not sure why, never really got the bottom of it. But, I do know that it affects me to this very day. I'm now in my 40s, but if I ever saw one of the little bastards who seemed to spend their entire time at school trying to find ways to upset me, I'd probably freak out.
It isn't something you ever really get over. You just learn to live with it or you learn, just as I have, that you are better than they ever were.

Why shouldn't something you did at school come back to bite you on the arse as an adult? She had probably forgotten all about the way she treated you, now she'll know that her crappy behaviour as a younger person can still cause repercussions. Maybe, it'll help her to teach any children she may have to not behave in the way that she saw fit to as a youngster.

Do not pay the money - even if they ask you for it. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that if they do ask for it, tell them that you'll have no problem with leaving reviews on Facebook, Twitter or Trip Advisor letting people know what a horrible person they have working for them.

Lardlizard · 21/03/2019 14:37

I think it would have been best just to get up and walk out
Seems a bit like you’ve just tired to drop her in the shit really, which I can kinda understand but you never know she could have been bullied herself, perhaps by a parent and could even be in a DV type relationship now
Point is you just don’t know
And it possible makes you seem slightly unhinged to react this way about something someone done 15 years ago as a child

PuppyMonkey · 21/03/2019 14:38

Blimey, I think this incident will be the talk of the staff for years - can't imagine the manager will have the audacity to actually ring and ask for the cancellation fee. And if s/he does, say you'll be telling your local newspaper. Wink

RosiePosies · 21/03/2019 14:38

Also to people saying OP shouldn't take it out on the salon and should pay the charge - I'm sure that salons have a pretty high rate of people who don't even bother to cancel appointments and just don't show up. OP DID show up and she explained the situation and why she felt uncomfortable. She was totally reasonable and the situation wasn't her fault in the slightest.

Lardlizard · 21/03/2019 14:38

What I mean is rise about it and keep your dignity and don’t stoop to that level

Jerri907 · 21/03/2019 14:39

I'm shocked at the amount of people on this thread who seem to feel sorry for the bully!

Limensoda · 21/03/2019 14:40

I think you handled it brilliantly OP!
I doubt they will pursue the cancellation fee so don't worry.
You should be proud of yourself.

wheretheydwell · 21/03/2019 14:40

I think people need to stop with the 'tell the local newspaper' angle. This is a terrible idea and could backfire enormously on OP.

Drivemecrazy1974 · 21/03/2019 14:42

I find it really shocking that so many people on this thread think that the OP is the one in the wrong.
Could it be that perhaps some of you are guilty of being bullies in the past? That can be the only possible reason that you think that the OP should have said nothing and 'keep her dignity'. What a load of absolute rubbish - wonder if you would say the same to your children in 20, 30, 40 years time if they are bullied now and then have to face their tormentor later on in life.......

downcasteyes · 21/03/2019 14:42

"I'm shocked at the amount of people on this thread who seem to feel sorry for the bully!"

The behaviour on here a lot of the time makes me suspect that either a disproportionate number of bullies are on here, or a disproportionate number of people with significant impediments to their social functioning!!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/03/2019 14:42

What level Lizard?

OP didn't shout out, she asked to speak to a manager and even said it was her own fault for feeling a bit shaky about it!

What level is that?

Or did you expect her to sit looking int he mirror wating for Sarah's penny to drop, fearing a shite haircut and all sorts of other childish nastiness?

Fuck off with the victim blaming! Just stop it! Hear what you are really saying....

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/03/2019 14:43

I don’t feel sorry for anyone that bullied but this is not the salons fault! The owner isn’t the one that bullied the OP and imo they shouldn’t be out of pocket.

wheretheydwell · 21/03/2019 14:43

I'm shocked at the amount of people on this thread who seem to feel sorry for the bully!

I don't think it is about feeling sorry for the bully. It is just a fact that some bullies behave this way because of trauma they are going through in their own lives.

Having said that, I heard an academic researcher say that victims of chronic bullying have worse mental health outcomes than sex abuse victims. OP was quite right to refuse to have her hair cut by the person who traumatised her at school, given the effects it has had on her.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 21/03/2019 14:45

you don't know her life circumstances or anything now, she might have a kid to support or anything
Well Sarah should have thought about that when she chose to bully others.
She might have ruined some of her victim’s lives for all we know, impacting them even now 15y later, why does she get a free pass because of time past?

Well done OP.

rosinavera · 21/03/2019 14:46

I think you did the right thing too OP. This might actually be the first time that 'Sarah' has been taken to task over her bullying and like a previous poster said it doesn't matter if it was 15 years ago - it made a huge impact on your life. No business is going to quibble about £10.

Raspberry88 · 21/03/2019 14:47

Those people who are saying the OP is in the wrong don't know what they're talking about.

How do you know? They might just have another point of view to you. I was also horrendously bullied... including violently. I think that the OP was wrong. We should all have the opportunity to move on in life, bullies or not. I don't feel sorry for her but I do think it's wrong to expose someone in their work place. As a pp said, perhaps she had a terrible childhood and has managed to drag herself up by her bootstraps to get to where she is now. Perhaps she's really struggling at the moment for some reason. Why lower yourself to her level. I don't agree with retribution for retributions sake.

adulthumanwolf · 21/03/2019 14:49

Nope, fuck that.

Why would I want to make things easier for someone who made my life hell for 6 years, going to school every day in fear of people kicked, punched or stabbed with a compass?

People may change, but I wouldn't be doing her any favours.

Farmerswifey12 · 21/03/2019 14:52

OP I completely agree with you not paying the money or wanting you to cut her hair. I don't know why on earth you would even consider it, the worst they can do is ban you from the salon but it's not as if you'll ever go again anyway.

However I go against the grain also to a certain extent as people are not the same people they were years ago at school. I did actually come into contact with a bully of mine as an adult and she was sickeningly nice. I assume she realised ad an adult how bad her behaviour was as a teenager.

I'd just have said to the manager there were issues between the 2 of you and that it wouldn't have been appropriate

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/03/2019 14:52

How do you know? They might just have another point of view to you. I was also horrendously bullied... including violently. I think that the OP was wrong. We should all have the opportunity to move on in life, bullies or not. I don't feel sorry for her but I do think it's wrong to expose someone in their work place. As a pp said, perhaps she had a terrible childhood and has managed to drag herself up by her bootstraps to get to where she is now. Perhaps she's really struggling at the moment for some reason. Why lower yourself to her level. I don't agree with retribution for retributions sake

Agree with all of that.

user1474894224 · 21/03/2019 14:55

@Dotty1970 nope. I just believe that people change. A 12 year old child and 32 year old for example are very different people.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/03/2019 14:56

I don't agree with retribution for retributions sake

Except OP exacted no retribution. She just panicked her way out of a hairdressers, even passed it off as her own silliness.

CabbageHippy · 21/03/2019 14:57

I would of given Sarah the opportunity to apologise

IHateUncleJamie · 21/03/2019 14:57

Bullying can and does lead to trauma, self harm and suicide. Even if a bully has changed, an apology years later does not negate the harm they did to their victim(s). I would have done exactly what the OP did.

If the owner calls, you refuse point blank to pay the cancellation fee, if for no other reason than she was running late. They are not going to take you to Small Claims for £10.

In the meantime, have you tried grounding techniques to de-adrenalise yourself and calm down? Lots of examples on Youtube. It must have been horrible seeing your bully so suddenly. Flowers

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 21/03/2019 14:58

All respect to you! I’d love to think I would react so assertively. However the realty for me when I met my old tormenter was to actually revert back to those days of being 11 and hounded in the changing rooms at school. My bully was a senior SW in children and families when we met for the first time in 30 years. She didn’t recognise or remember me

KipperTheFrog · 21/03/2019 14:58

My school bully has a child at the school my DD now attends. I hadn't seen the bully since I was 13, but even nearly 20 years later, I still feel sick to the stomach when i see her. I have considered changing DD's school, but I don't want to put DD through that. They aren't in the same class as DD, so don't have to interact with bully.
I don't know if bully recognises me, she wont recognise my name if she comes across it as I changed it on marriage.
If I had the same situation as you, OP, I'd have done the same. I wouldn't be able to sit through a hair cut by my bully. And I wouldn't pay the cancellation fee either!

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