Page 9 | Am I being controlling or is this weird?

IHateUncleJamie · 19/03/2019 15:03

Hmmm. Yes, definitely a bit weird. For context, my DH has a very good female friend/ex colleague. They meet for coffee every month or two. When they used to meet at work I obviously wasn’t invited but as soon as DH left and the coffee stop moved to shops/garden centre he invited me to meet his friend (who I absolutely love 💕).

I’m always conscious that she’s HIS friend though so I don’t usually go but he always invites me regardless. When I do go along it’s to say a quick hello to her and then I go off shopping/browsing and leave them to it. I think it’s nice that DH invites me and it’s always lovely to see his friend but I trust them both implicitly.

Having said that, I have to almost force DH into spending money on clothes or shoes for himself so out of habit that’s never been something he’d do with a friend. If he suddenly said he was going shoe shopping with her I would be quite surprised, especially if I was obviously not welcome. It would be out of character so yes, I’d be concerned.

I don’t think you’re being controlling. Your DP could have handled it a lot better by being more open and letting you meet his friend. He’s acting as if he wants to keep you apart, even if that’s not his intention.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2019 15:05

It’s interesting how quickly people’s hackles go up at the mere suggestion of SOMEONE ELSE coming along on THEIR trip out.

If I want to talk to my friend about my child, or a health issue or something I need support with, I sure as shit don't want their partner, who I've never met, tagging along. Don't people have close friendships?

OfficeSlave · 19/03/2019 15:09

I can only think from many responses on this thread that there must be so many suspicious, paranoid women living in relationships where every other woman is a threat. No trust. It makes me feel sad that so many live like this. Territorial and expecting the worst.

If a man or woman is going to conduct an affair, you chaperoning a meet up isnt going to stop him. It might stop her if you sit there woofing and pissing up the table leg, but your problem is still there with your partner. He would still have no respect for you. Why don't you trust him?

And surely if shoes shopping is this sacred couples only intimate act, why then if it was a male colleague - nobody would be getting their socks in a twist, thinking Ooooh he might be gay, i must attend, how could he! Not every woman wants to fuck your husbands. Its just controlling, insecure bs. A partner is not owned.

I would get it if you have genuine reasons to be suspicious - recently finding incriminating texts or have evidence of an affair, but otherwise youre living in a mental prison of continuous paranoia.

Also if its that bad, why not just say to him 'this is making me feel really uncomfortable and feel insecure, ive never met her and i would like to.' actually communicating your needs and concerns clearly can work!

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 15:09

Jeez, MrsTP, I’m sort of lucky that my male best friend is single! The last time he did have a LTP, we got on really well. I could tell they were good for each other and I don’t think there was any jealousy about me, so it worked really well.

But then, I’m not territorial over the friend either, which is probably why we all got on. It’s a two way street. Friends can be horribly possessive too. I imagine I’d have lost my friendship with him if I was territorial. And I think any potential partners would smell it a mile off and have an issue. It is a two way thing. It’s not all down to the partner to be gracious, friends need to make room for partners too imo. I say that as the friend in this situation, as my dh’s best friend is also a man, so I don’t really have to deal with the other side. I’d like to think if his best friend was female though, I’d like her and welcome her, as I do his male best friend.

But, as I’ve said, if dh had a close friend, of any gender, who I wasn’t allowed to meet, I’d find that quite weird and wonder why.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 15:12

If I want to talk to my friend about my child, or a health issue or something I need support with, I sure as shit don't want their partner, who I've never met, tagging along. Don't people have close friendships?

That’s fine of course and yes of course I have those friendships too. So, if we needed a 1-1 catch up, I’d say so to dh, but if he’d never met this (hypothetical) friend and wanted to, I would probably say, “we need a bit of a catch up on our own today, but why don’t we have coffee another day”? I’ve already said this btw, so sorry for repeating. But the op’s dp seems not to want them to meet at all. Which is weird. Not even necessarily suspicious, but weird and a little hurtful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2019 15:13

That's the thing @FuckertyBoo. I've never shagged my male friends because I don't want to, married or not. But they are a very good judge of LTRs for me. Both my close male friends loved DH.

Orangecookie · 19/03/2019 15:18

Having no boundaries within close friends of the opposite sex, where you can do and talk about anything,

But having boundaries around that friendship, like a barrier between your ‘friendship unit’ and your opposite sex partner isn’t healthy.

It’s how a lot of emotional affairs start.

A marriage is really tough, really hard work, and often quite vulnerable. Don’t mess around with it and open up insecurities and potential betrayals. They all start somewhere. As many of us who were ‘cool’ and ‘okay’ have found out. It’s no joke. That people are either trustworthy or they are not is utter bollocks.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 15:21

@MrsTerryPratchett

I always say, if anything romantic was going to happen between us, it would already have done by now!

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 15:22

My best friend and dh love each other too. I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s why it would make me if a friend said they didn’t want to meet my dh at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2019 15:25

If I was OP I'd not invite myself on their shopping trip. I'd say, "shall we take DFriend out for a drink so I can finally meet her?" If he was adamant I was NEVER meeting her, that would make me more

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 15:42

Yes, I think I’d do the same MrsTP.

BUT, if I was the dp, as soon as the op said she wanted to come along and meet her, I’d have suggested another meet up, where the op could come, assuming the shoe shopping trip is sacred for some reason.

Doing otherwise appears a little cagey, but that might be him just being a bit clueless rather than deliberately cagey.

If he is being deliberately cagey, it could be he’s buying her something, but I also agree with the pps who said why on earth would he take some random woman who has never met the op to do that?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2019 15:52

but I also agree with the pps who said why on earth would he take some random woman who has never met the op to do that?

An ex once took his sister, who I hadn't met at the time, jewellery shopping for me. Similar taste he thought. And he was right!

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 16:01

Yeah, a guy from my old work wanted my female colleague and me to go to Pandora to pick something out for his gf once 😂. I told him we didn’t have time, which was true.

It definitely happens. At least your ex picked his sister based on the fact you had similar taste. I think we were asked because we were a) there, b) female, c) not him, as he couldn’t be arsed.

PurplePattern · 19/03/2019 16:15

Yes it is weird. Especially because he does not want you to meet her. I would be uncomfortable as well. Are there any other friends you are not allowed to meet? If it was a male friend and he did not want me to meet them, I would also be uncomfrotable.

As people have said before, this "exclusivity" thing is strange. Even if friends met up on their own, you'd still want them to meet your OH at some stage.

OfficeSlave · 19/03/2019 16:18

Hey OP, just out of curiosity, looking at your replies, was it that he said no or 'go on then' to you when you asked to come?

Gomyownway

'I offered to come too (we both booked a week off work together) but he said no.'

'venus it was more I offered and he said go on then'

Sorry if i am confusing what you meant in your reply to venus. I read it that he'd said 'go on then' as in, yes you can come along.

Hanab · 19/03/2019 16:19

The problem is not him going with this female in my opinion telling the OP straight No that she can’t tag along is weird and unsettling..

Why does he want to keep them apart?
Surely he would /could say okay come along and say hi and we will meet up after i’m /we’ve done shopping ..

The issue I have nowadays is that we have no boundries .. if we do set them then we are called controlling .. a partnership or marriage is supposed to be a bond .. not I can do as I please when I please .. you should at least consider the feelings of the person you chose to be a partner or life partner..
if you still want to live a single life then make that clear from the onset .. do not commit to being a couple when you don’t want to share your time , life, friends, good & bad times with said person.

ask your partner if he will be okay with you going with a male friend to do what he is planning to do & obviously he cannot meet this person ..

Surely what is good for the goose is good for the gander ..

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 16:22

'venus it was more I offered and he said go on then'

I thought that was re her posting the thread? She offered and he said “go on then”.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 16:23

VenusStarr

Posting here because DP told me to in order to see your responses

He thinks you're the controlling one hmm

It's weird. What's he buying you with his bonus?

'venus it was more I offered and he said go on then'

Tinkety · 19/03/2019 16:36

I think the main difference might be that this is an ex work colleague though.

I have an ex colleague who I meet up with about twice a year & whilst there’s a bit of chit chat about our personal lives, the main topic of conversation is about what’s going on in our industry such as advances in technology, upcoming projects & opportunities etc. It just wouldn’t be appropriate for us to bring our partners to any meet ups as our friendship & conversation still centres around work. Sometimes it’s important to keep up these friendships especially if it’s the type of industry where favours are useful.

BlackCatSleeping · 19/03/2019 16:37

Ok, so the OP needs to tell her DP that the consensus is that he is going shopping for an engagement ring and she should await a proposal forthwith and see how he reacts.

#shit stirring

OfficeSlave · 19/03/2019 16:56

Ahh thanks for that, i get it now. I was confused and wasn't making the link to that as I'd read it that partner had 'told her to post' to mn, so thought she was referencing the invite, not the offering to post here.

OP originally said was happy with the meet up and had no problem at all (and im assuming including the fact she'd never met her) until shoe shopping was announced. I still don't get it and maybe never will. If anything i would see dining together more intimate than a shoe shop?

I still think half of peoples worries aboutstuff like this would be wiped out if they learned to expand past the most basic communication abilities about their wants, needs and insecurities, and actually communicated sufficiently with a partner.

storm11111 · 20/03/2019 12:54

umm from the point of view of the friend, i'd be a bit if i'd made casual plans for a bit of shoe shopping and found myself third wheeling with a couple.

BloodyDisgrace · 20/03/2019 13:18

The OP's dilemma sums up nicely the reason why I have always had time and attention for the girlfriends of my male friends, that they don't think I'm some floozy who cosies up to their bloke (and why all my male friends met my husband). I think it's merely polite to at least show some interest in them, rather than completely ignore them while laughing with your male friend at some mutual common jokes/stories etc as in "we're such close friends and have so much in common and are having soooo much fun and what are you doing there?" The latter, I suspect, is what those who bang on about "possessiveness" and "trust" are doing in their ego-boosting "friendships" with men. They pretend they don't understand what your fuss is about and clearly get high on the thought how "progressive" and "liberated" they are comparing to the "neurotic" or "possessive" wife.

Either you have some imagination and empathy and put yourself in your male friend's partner shoes and be civil and nice to her, or you'll be rightly suspected of some dodgy motives (and the man too, if he obstructs the meeting). So yeah, if he says "would you like to meet my wife/girlfriend later on for drinks?" and you, as his friend, is anything other than "cool, I'd love to meet her finally" then you aren't a friend really, you are doing something else here. And let's stop being idiots who pretend not to understand why it is different from him having male friends.

Stawp · 20/03/2019 13:22

It's weird to go shoe shopping with a female friend vs you imo. But I don't believe you're perfectly fine with their friendship otherwise.

Gruffin · 20/03/2019 13:29

Maybe he is buying you a present and she is there for female advise? Otherwise I would find it strange and hurtful that he won’t allow you to see her.