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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being controlling or is this weird?

227 replies

Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 11:27

Posting here because DP told me to in order to see your responses.

DP has a female friend from his old work who I’ve never met. He just told me that he’s going to see her next week. Fine, I have no issues with him having female friends. However he then said it was to go shopping together, and buy some shoes with his end of year bonus. Is it odd that this makes me feel uncomfortable. I offered to come too (we both booked a week off work together) but he said no.

OP posts:
GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 13:10

I dont like third /fourth/ fifth + people who I dont know coming along to drinks with a friend regardless of being Male or female.

If I dont know them i dont know if I can trust them and I cant always afford to but rounds either.

If I happen to know them all and it was pre arranged that there would he a group of us then that's ok.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 13:10

This middle ground of apparently being happy and trusting them but over analysing their friendships and debating whether or not to let them go based on the sex of the friend or whether or not driving to the vet or returning a microwave is a code word for something else and making sure you are within 6 feet of them at get togethers is too much hard work...

I don’t think the op is suggesting this^^ at all. I think she’s just hurt that she isn’t invited and wondering why that is, which I totally understand.

I definitely agree with you thought that guarding “your” man, like some animal guarding a piece of meat, is no way to conduct yourself in a decent relationship.

If someone wants to move on with someone else, they will and you can’t really do anything to prevent it, so have some decorum.

But, equally, people saying “ugh these wives muscling in on MY time with MY friend” aren’t pretty either. Chill the fuck out people. It’s just a trip to Clark’s. What’s the big deal if his dp, who he presumably likes spending time with, comes along?

edwinbear · 19/03/2019 13:11

I think it's weird, unless she is a personal shopper specialising in shoes.

It seems a bit intimate for a catch up with a mate.

RedBerryTea · 19/03/2019 13:11

I think it's a bit weird. Would he arrange to go shoe shopping with a male friend? As you say, it's rather a 'coupley' thing to do isn't it?

mummmy2017 · 19/03/2019 13:12

Why would you begrudge, your partner a friend helping him suprise you.

The proposal is the big thing, the ring is just a token of his love.
If I loved the man, I would not even worry if it came from Argos and was under £50...

kaytee87 · 19/03/2019 13:13

Could he be going to buy you an engagement ring?

kaytee87 · 19/03/2019 13:14

Cross post with your last update

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/03/2019 13:14

I think it’s weird. I wouldn’t be happy.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 13:14

I dont like third /fourth/ fifth + people who I dont know coming along to drinks with a friend regardless of being Male or female.

If I dont know them i dont know if I can trust them

Hmmmmm I don’t agree with you here. I reserve judgement till I’ve actually met a person and I tend to trust the judgment of my close friends and trust them not to bring a complete cunt along on our trip out. I think this^^ view is a little defensive, but we’re all different and perhaps you have your reasons for not trusting people in general.

Damntheman · 19/03/2019 13:15

Inappropriate? Because why? She may see his feet? Crying with laughter here!!

HolyForkingShirt · 19/03/2019 13:16

But other people coming along does change the dynamic.

For example, I've had friends tell me about their MH struggles, counselling, depression, girls they like, family cancer problems, etc. They wouldn't have been able to tell me any of that if my partner was sat there listening. The catch-up would be reduced to shit chat about TV and weather.

Sometimes we see our friends together and sometimes separately but if my partner wanted to accompany me every time I wanted to see a friend (male or female), I'd have a problem.

Nousernameforme · 19/03/2019 13:18

My first thought was engagament ring as well why are you so sure it isnt?

I don't think buying shoes is a couply thing but nor is it the usual catch up scenario which is whats making me think he is getting a surprise for you and wants to get a womans opinion on it

GabsAlot · 19/03/2019 13:18

threes a crowd an i mean in a platonic way

i doubt he made up shoe shopping so he can have an affair-and hes reading this so hi!

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 13:19

Chill the fuck out people. It’s just a trip to Clark’s. What’s the big deal if his dp, who he presumably likes spending time with, comes along?

It's a trip to Clark's for you . You see them every day.

If I hadn't seen my friend for a few weeks and had some news to share or something I wanted to talk to them about and last minute the partner decided to come too well I wouldn't be too pleased. It would make me feel under suspicion which if you wouldn't do that to your dps Male friends down the pub why is a busy public place and a quick glimpse of greying sports socks so inappropriate for a female friend.

Mookatron · 19/03/2019 13:20

I think if it's a friend he hasn't seen for a while and there's a chance it'll be awkward, having a task to do can make it a bit less awkward. Having you there would be like you and he were shoe shopping (because you're a couple) and she was tagging along - but it's meant to be a catch up.

Doesn't explain why they couldn't meet you for coffee afterwards though.

gamerchick · 19/03/2019 13:21

It's not the activity that I would have the issue with the, it's the not being allowed to meet her bit. If you switched the scenario and you were meeting some dude you wouldn't allow him to meet would he be perfectly happy with it? My husband wouldn't be and I wouldn't either.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 13:22

I agree with your post holy, but the op has never met this friend once and it seems as if her dp wants to keep it that way. That’s a little weird to me.

I don’t go on every trip out with my dh, but I would find it weird if he had a close friend who I’d never met and when the perfect opportunity to meet them came up, he said “no, you’re not invited”, I’d be a little hurt and confused. If he said “not this trip, because she’s having a hard time at the moment, but maybe we could all meet for a coffee another day”, that would be different.

Even if I was 100% sure there was nothing romantic between them, I’d not like it if she insisted she didn’t want to meet me because “it would change the dynamic”. If she was a man saying that, I’d wonder why my dh was friends with a bellend.

hellymart · 19/03/2019 13:23

I think it's odd - and just ran it past my DP (who, by coincidence, went shoe shopping yesterday - on his own, I might add) and he thought it was odd too. Why I think it's odd: 1) you've never met this woman 2) it IS a couple-y thing to do, I agree with you. 3) he won't allow you to go - even though you're both off work, so it would be nice to do something together, rather than him disappearing off with some random person. I wouldn't be very happy about it either. You are not being controlling or weird.

PregnantSea · 19/03/2019 13:24

I think this is weird. But it's not wrong of him to do it. Just weird.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 13:25

It would make me feel under suspicion

This has obviously happened to you a lot, but honestly, most women I know are not suspicious of anyone around their husbands.

But it is a bit weird, if you’ve never met the friend and a nice opportunity comes up, where you’re all off work together, and you are told a flat no. Regardless of the gender of the friend. Shopping trips are fairly universal. Watching football at the pub is usually for people who like football, so that is a little different.

HolyForkingShirt · 19/03/2019 13:32

@FuckertyBoo - I can agree about the not meeting her at all bit, even though I prefer catch-ups with friends alone, my partner has met all of my friends. What could work in this situation the 2 of them going shoe shopping, then OP joining for coffee afterwards to meet the friend. I've done similar when female friends come to visit, gone out shopping just 2 of us then my partner meeting us for coffee afterwards.

Cwtches123 · 19/03/2019 13:32

It's odd to me, dh just said the same!

Winebottle · 19/03/2019 13:33

It is weird but I think same sex friendships are weird in general. I'd be OK with female friends if they predate the relationship eg from school or university and there is a long history of no shenanigans but I don't think it is appropriate for a man in a relationship to be getting too matey with new women.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 13:35

This has obviously happened to you a lot, but honestly, most women I know are not suspicious of anyone around their husbands

I have to admit it is a pretty weird feeling to show up to an arranged group get together to find those with partners following each other about or draped across each other and those that arent with their partners are glued to their phones texting their partners at home...

I'm fat ugly and boring so God knows why I'm.such a threat anyway. I'm certainly not remotely interested and wouldnt be even if I were single.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 13:36

even though I prefer catch-ups with friends alone, my partner has met all of my friends

Exactly the same with us. I go out with my male best friend alone fairly frequently, but my dh knows him really well. He knows all my good friends and I know his. It would be weird if he specifically didn’t want me to meet one of his and weird if I didn’t want him to meet one of mine.

And if one of my friends said they didn’t want to meet my dh, I’d also think that was quite weird, regardless of gender.