Am I being controlling or is this weird?

[Gomyownway]

Posting here because DP told me to in order to see your responses.

DP has a female friend from his old work who I’ve never met. He just told me that he’s going to see her next week. Fine, I have no issues with him having female friends. However he then said it was to go shopping together, and buy some shoes with his end of year bonus. Is it odd that this makes me feel uncomfortable. I offered to come too (we both booked a week off work together) but he said no.

I think it's weird and I wouldn't like it. Though that's because DP and I do shoe shopping together and we enjoy doing it together. I'd find it odd if he then decided to specifically meet a friend to do it together - rather than meeting for a coffee and deciding to do it for convenience iyswim. I don't think you're being controlling at all but then we're the kind of couple who text throughout the day and spend most of our annual leave together.

I cant say I've ever shopped with a male colleague, but male mates, yes. But if a colleague did suggest it I wouldn't think 'no! Your poor wife!' as someone with zero sexual agenda with any colleague, it wouldnt even cross my mind that this would be some kind of betrayal.

Yes, partners may often shop together but i dont see this as sexual or any deep intimacy that only a couple can share.

I don't get what is so scary about it though, we are talking mens feet... I know we all have our kinks but I dont think this will get many juices flowing for many women? Hairy feet, smelly socks, holes in socks, just feet in general.

Unless you are worried that if he's got big feet she will think of that cheesy, 'big feet big knob' innuendo. Shoe shopping is such a bland, non activity to me. Maybe she has great shoe taste?

Also i cant think why he would be telling you hes doing this if it was anything untoward, not impossible, but surely more likely to lie/hide it?

So he actually didnt say you couldn't come, he said you could? If they are catching up then i am sure they will stop for coffee at some point, you being there changes the dynamic completely of a catch up! I love my partner but if i haven't seen an old work collegue in ages him being there woukd just hinder things and possibly make friend uncomfortable. What if she wants to ask his advice on a difficult colleague they know?

Unless you have quite a few other reasons not to trust him, then i find this high suspicion of shoe shopping a bit too much.

I'm fat ugly and boring so God knows why I'm.such a threat anyway. I'm certainly not remotely interested and wouldnt be even if I were single.

I bet you’re not! But you could probably use some new friends!

DH has a fairly regular female drinking buddy, no problem. But, I would think it very weird if he told me they were going shoe shopping together. Likewise, I wouldn't expect to go shoe shopping with any married man. If he wants a second opinion, he can ask his wife.

It really depends on whether your DP is a meeting friends for shopping type. My DH isn't at all. He's never once specifically arranged to meet a friend to go shopping in 8 years. He goes alone, with the children or with me. So this would be very odd for him.
He'd also be unlikely to arrange to meet a friend without me during a time that'd we'd booked off work. He might do it if I had arranged something with a friend, or if there was a reason why he couldn't meet them another time.

If all the above is normal for your DP then you probably don't have anything worry about.

"If he wants a second opinion, he can ask his wife."

But the friend might have better taste in shoes?

I hate shopping for me, never mind anyone else-I'd be glad not to be involved!

I think it's odd of him to arrange shoe-shopping as an outing to catch up with a female friend, and odd of her to accept!

Unless they used to work in fashion/shoes together as colleagues.

But I'm afraid you cannot invite yourself on an outing if your boyfriend isn't happy to take you too. Be nice if he explained why, though. Presumably they won't be having deep and meaningful chats in a shoe shop?

Or perhaps he hates your taste in shoes?

He sounds like a bit of a prick to be honest whose pissing around with your mind. I'm sure they won't end up rolling around in bed together after buying the shoes, but I'd be curious to know where he does draw the line. Would dresses also be ok to buy? What about jewellery or undies? Would those things be ok too?
I just wonder if he's enjoying flexing a bit of pretend power here with his bonus and the idea of women cat fighting. I couldn't be bothered and know where I'd be sticking the bloomin shoes.

I have two very close male friends who I would go shopping with. One of them has a girlfriend and she would be ok with this. His ex girlfriend didn't like the fact that we are friends though and it caused him issues during the relationship.

My point is that some men and woman are just friends and that's that. Nothing more.

I bet you’re not! But you could probably use some new friends

Dont worry I haven't been out with all these people in years. But its probably why I find going out in groups something I'd rather avoid where possible.

Much prefer 1 on 1 male/ female dont care I just like to catch up with people every now and then. As much as I like people I would find it very weird if someone I'd previously been out with on their own multiple times suddenly decided to start bringing a baby sitter.

....he doesn't want you to go along because you'll trash the flirty dynamic or whatever shit is going on. Tell him to stick a Hotter or Dr Scholls voucher in the post to her instead 😂....if it's all about the act of giving!

I can't see me wanting to go shoe shopping with someone else's husband. Choosing to spend time with her rather than you in your week off together also seems odd. Can't you go together and have a nice lunch in a pub or something?
In his week off from work he is spending a day with a female friend rather than with you.
As someone who had to tackle her husband having an emotional affair a couple of years ago this would not happen in our marriage now.

It's bloody weird. A catch up over lunch - ok but for shoe shopping? That's just odd - unless as PP said she works there or is some sort of fashion stylist.

I don't think a man shopping for shoes with a female friend is intrinsically weird. And if it were I don't think 'weird' is a reason not to do things.

But if he won't introduce you, that's the worrying bit.

Orangecookie
I’ve known so many couples and marriages, and the strong ones are the ones who don’t have little ego boosting ‘friendships’, or keep them away from their current partner. The strong, lasting ones encompass friendships and are flexible, and never exclusive

I agree with that. Especially with male-female friendships for straight people. No bloke would want some male bestie for his wife who always hangs out with her and they even do shoe shopping; equally, female friends of married/attached men should know their humble place. A partner should get included in such friendships, otherwise they will be these "ego boosting "friendships".

Maybe he doesn’t want to “dedicate” time to her specifically. Rather than blocking off a couple of hours for catch up over drinks & dinner, maybe he’s thinking that he needs to buy shoes / go shopping anyway so by asking her along on his errands he’s killing two birds with one stone so to speak. Maybe he just thinks he’s being efficient.

I also agree that there’s nothing worse than trying to catch up with an old friend & then they bring their partner along.

My DH works near shops and will sometimes go for a walk with a female work colleague. If he said 'I went in to xxxx with xxxxx and bought some shoes today', I would think nothing of it.

If he arranged to go shopping with her on a weekend, I'd find it strange, simply because he wouldn't go shopping with any other friends. He prefers online shopping snd hates the high street.

I guess it depends if your DH would go shopping generally? And if he would go with friends?

Why is he going shoe shopping with another woman?! He's weird.

Depends, OP. Are you nosy? Do you have to know absolutely everything about who he meets and what he does with that person? Do you have friends your partner has not met and, if you do, do you tell your partner everything about your friends?

I think it's quite probable that your partner is planning to buy a gift for you and has invited his female friend to come and supervise his shopping. This is 'good' in that it's an activity that stupid mundane monogamy fetishists lots of people accept as a permissible thing to do with Someone Who Is Of The Gender You Are Attracted To But Who Is Not Your Partner.
But it's also a bit crap and an indication of a man who thinks that 'women' are an alien race, completely unlike men and that they are also all the same. His female friend hasn't met you, so she's probably not all that qualified to advise him on whether or not you would like these shoes, that handbag, this engagement ring or whatever because she is not you and does not know you.

Er, the 'strong' relationships are the ones which involve policing a partner's interactions with other people? WTF? Only, I suppose, in the sense that two fucking inadequates are better off policing each other's behaviour than spoiling life for more sensible, happier people.

Remember this: your partner is not property, and if they decide they are going to have sex with someone else there is nothing you can do to stop this.

I think it's a bit weird. Why does he want her opinion on his shoes rather than his wife's?

@Reanimated, quite!

your partner is not property, and if they decide they are going to have sex with someone else there is nothing you can do to stop this.

I already said almost exactly this^^ a few pages back, but I don’t know what a stupid, mundane, monogamy fetishist is... Do you think that people who are monogamous are stupid and mundane ?

This is why I don't understand controlling people. Say for example your partner announces they're going for brunch with opposite sex friend X, and you try and stop them going.

1. If you're stopping them from going, you obviously think they'll have dodgy intentions without you there. If you genuinely believe your partner has bad intentions and all it takes is for you to not be there and they'll be banging another woman at any opportunity, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THEM?

2. Unless you plan to chain them up in your cellar until they die, do you really think you can stop someone from doing something if they really want to do it?

I can think of several people who have not remained faithful / been monogamous. I would hardly describe them as particularly interesting or intelligent... I know some very stupid, mundane non-monogamous folk !