Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being controlling or is this weird?

227 replies

Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 11:27

Posting here because DP told me to in order to see your responses.

DP has a female friend from his old work who I’ve never met. He just told me that he’s going to see her next week. Fine, I have no issues with him having female friends. However he then said it was to go shopping together, and buy some shoes with his end of year bonus. Is it odd that this makes me feel uncomfortable. I offered to come too (we both booked a week off work together) but he said no.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 19/03/2019 14:26

It's not that I disagree with you necessarily SGB and FuckertyBoo, but I think human emotions like jealousy, while they should obviously be managed, are actually perfectly normal. And if you ask someone if you can meet their friend (of the sex they find attractive) and they say 'NO you'll ruin it' I think feeling a bit put out is a fairly human response.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 14:27

I totally agree holy.

Tbh, I think most sane people would. I’d say the people who genuinely try to guard their spouses / romantic partners like an animal guarding a piece of meat are few and far between.

But that’s not what the op is proposing. I think people are jumping to conclusions a little. Just my view.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 14:29

I worked with a young lad once. Alot younger than me. His girlfriend would sit in the shop his entire shift.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 19/03/2019 14:29

It’s weird that he wants to go shoe shopping with this secret female friend.

It’s suspicious that he won’t let you meet her.

It’s even weirder that you both choose to settle your disputes on mumsnet.

Mookatron · 19/03/2019 14:30

However the thing about shopping for shoes being weird is really starting to get on my tits, as if weird were the worst thing ever to be. If they mean suspicious people should say so.

MadeInUSA · 19/03/2019 14:31

I think it's weird. I wouldn't be happy about it.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 14:31

Is there a list of acceptable activities that opposite sex friends can do that wont be considered weird ?

No one approves of drinks or coffee

Shoe shopping is weird

So what can they do and where cab they go. With these friends they possibly even knew before they'd met you.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 14:31

mookatron

I also agree with you on the “no you’ll ruin it”. I said that a page or two back. It’s actually the friendship which is being guarded like a piece of meat in that situation. Your friends are no more property than your spouse.

Basically, imo, people need to stop getting so territorial, (friends as well as spouses). It’s interesting how quickly people’s hackles go up at the mere suggestion of SOMEONE ELSE coming along on THEIR trip out. Jealousy and people wanting to be too ‘exclusive’ can be problem in friendships as well as marriages.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 19/03/2019 14:32

To be honest I would find it odd too, unless he was going say ring shipping (saw it was dp rather than df) and he wanted a female opinion on the piece before he bought it? My husband would automatically invite me along though if it was just a shopping trip especially if we both had time off together.

Skyejuly · 19/03/2019 14:42

If I liked her I would ask if I can go x

Birdsgottafly · 19/03/2019 14:43

Is she a friend or someone he used to work with?

How much contact does he have with her?

What were your plans, when you booked time off together? Is he swerving you for her, what will you spend your day doing?

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 14:44

Is there a list of acceptable activities that opposite sex friends can do that wont be considered weird ?

For me, the activity isn’t weird, but the fact he’s arranged it, when the op and he have booked the week off at the same time, presumably to spend time together. The op has never met the friend and her dp says the op can’t come along and apparently has no intention of letting them meet each other. That is the weird part for me, as I’ve been saying for the past few pages or more.

Shoe shopping vs coffee vs drinks? None of those are weird or forbidden. As I’ve said several times on here, I have dinner frequently with my male best friend, but it is not “weird”, because my dh knows him and also sees him fairly frequently. Having secret / mysterious, close friends who don’t want to know the rest of us at all, just doesn’t happen in our family, regardless of the gender of the friend. I’d be a bit sad if it did tbh, but I’m sure that makes be a stupid, mundane, monotony fetishist Grin. So proud!

GinAndTings · 19/03/2019 14:47

It is weird.

VenusStarr · 19/03/2019 14:49

I already said that I thought he was buying her (the ex-colleague) shoes @Bluntness100. I misunderstood the OP which I then corrected on the first page.

user1467718508 · 19/03/2019 14:50

I'd find it odd if DH wanted to spend a day shopping with another woman whilst we were both on annual leave, particularly if I wasn't welcome. I trust him, so I'd ultimately leave him to it. It would sting through.

Omzlas · 19/03/2019 14:52

The fact that it's a female friend wouldn't bother me, or that he's going to buy shoes.

Something has irked you though, does he have form for being suspicious? Do you trust him? Do you trust her?

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 19/03/2019 14:52

I would have no problem if DH was meeting up with a female ex colleague during a week of annual leave. In fact I might well use the time to catch up with one of my own friends.

It's the shoe shopping I'm not buying. It's like he's looking for a reason to meet up.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 14:54

Going off on a bit of a tangent here but, I used to have a good friend who HATES children. I used to think it was a joke, but no, she really hates them. Not that she’s uncomfortable around them, doesn’t want any of her own etc. She genuinely dislikes children and is quite vocal about it. I only realised she was serious when she had a nephew and she was genuinely horrible about him and proudly told us how she completely ignored his existence. When he was about 7 she told me he had started to notice she didn’t like him and I thought “you utter cunt”. I had a baby a while after and she phoned and was a bit horrible about the whole thing, as she had been while I was pregnant. But she did want to see us and she was an old friend who was quite a damaged person, so I agreed to meet up. When we did she repeatedly referred to my daughter as “it” and refused to so much as look in her direction saying “I’m just ignoring it’s existence”. When she wanted to meet up again, I told her to do one.

So, if a friend felt as if they had no interest in meeting my dh or dcs, or that if they had to it would ruin their day, I’d probably not want to be friends with them. I’m quite zero tolerance on that kind of thing now.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/03/2019 14:55

Yep weird. I wouldn't like it either.

Weirdly coupley. She's going to be standing there telling him what suits him, what she likes on him, yes?

But you aren't suitable material to join that trip? I suppose you'd have nothing to add, as only his partner, eh?

Nope, wouldn't be ok with this one.

I'd be far more ok with him meeting a female friend for a drink and a catch up. That's perfectly normal.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 14:56

Not that dh or dcs would have to come on EVERY outing, just to clarify. It’s the having no interest in meeting them at all.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 14:59

But why are we assuming him not wanting to meet says that he doesn't want them to meet and it's weird.

We dont actually know here if actually the OP has form or not of making it awkward

Maybe shes the type who pisses up her boyfriends leg every time theres a female within spitting distance

We dont know.

They could both be as bad as each other here

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2019 14:59

I have a male friend from way before we got married (to other people). He introduced me to her when they started seeing each other. She didn't like me or the relationship, was jealous of me, weird about it, would tag along but then get annoyed if she felt 'left out' because we were talking. Exhausting!

I introduced him to DH at around the same point. DH said, "your friends really care about you" because he got grilled. DH used to ask me "shall I tag along or not." When we'd meet. Often the answer was "no" because we'd talk about things like miscarriages, issues with the kids, health stuff which was personal and DFriend wouldn't want to share with DH. Why would he, he's my friend?

Guess which marriage s

serenawren · 19/03/2019 15:00

I'd be annoyed about having taken time off together and not actually spending it together doing/going somewhere nice.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2019 15:00

... survived?

The less jealous and possessive one!

Orangecookie · 19/03/2019 15:01

Basically, imo, people need to stop getting so territorial, (friends as well as spouses). It’s interesting how quickly people’s hackles go up at the mere suggestion of SOMEONE ELSE coming along on THEIR trip out. Jealousy and people wanting to be too ‘exclusive’ can be problem in friendships as well as marriages.

I really, really agree with this. And I have a bit of life experience and wisdom! Exclusivity is a red flag in my book.