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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being controlling or is this weird?

227 replies

Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 11:27

Posting here because DP told me to in order to see your responses.

DP has a female friend from his old work who I’ve never met. He just told me that he’s going to see her next week. Fine, I have no issues with him having female friends. However he then said it was to go shopping together, and buy some shoes with his end of year bonus. Is it odd that this makes me feel uncomfortable. I offered to come too (we both booked a week off work together) but he said no.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 11:45

I’m definitely not insisting I come along!

It was more ‘I could come too and finally meet X’

OP posts:

KC225 · 19/03/2019 11:46

I am also unclear, shoes for her - a bit sugar daddy, unless its a birthday gift. Shoes for him fine.

I have never clothes shopped with my DH of 15 years. I do shop/browse with a gay male friend as we usually meet in a city for a drink or lunch near the shops.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 11:52

It’s definitely the not wanting op to come when she’s available to come along and the fact she’s never met the woman, more than the activity tbh.

I don’t shop with my dh, or with anyone tbh. I’m better on my own usually, or occasionally with my sister.

But dh and I don’t have friends who we wouldn’t like each other to meet... I’d be a bit offended, even if a friend had a friend they didn’t want me to meet. I don’t get the whole “it would ruin the dynamic”. Of a shopping trip ? Maybe a big night out with a group, bringing your OH along might be weird, but a shopping trip with one other person? What “dynamic” is there to ruin? I think I might be dead inside.

I also wondered if he could be buying the op something, but other than that, yeah, weird. Just a bit weird.

And no, my Dh probably would also find it odd if I wanted to go shopping with a male friend he’d never met if he and I had deliberately booked time off together and he wanted to come with us.

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 19/03/2019 11:56

Really weird. Especially if you haven’t met and they are not long time friends or something. I wouldn’t go shoe shopping with a male colleague

HolyForkingShirt · 19/03/2019 11:57

I do activities like that with male friends. I don't bring my partner because I want to properly catch up with the friend and talk about uni, our life etc, and my partner would probably feel like it was a bit pointless him being there.

I personally wouldn't have a problem, but then we do loads of stuff on our own so it would be quite normal for us.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 11:57

But dont people have friends from before they even met their husbands and wives?

Of course it changes everything. You cant talk about stuff that you have done together, you cant talk about the old job when you worked together without having to literally explain everything. Or you risk leaving someone out of the conversation all the time because they just dont know who or what you are talking about

Or do people just talk about the weather and the car journey there?

No matter how nice the other person is, its awkward
And that's the same.regarless of the sexes of the people involved.

Three or 4 people together with nothing in common besides the one.person they are all there to meet can make for a very difficult awkward get together

NannyRed · 19/03/2019 11:58

I have no issues with my dh having female friends and colleagues, as he has no issues with me. I often go for dinner with my boss and without my husband.

What is it that’s making you feel so anxious? Do you trust your dh? Or don’t you?

He’s meeting up with an old friend, the fact that he is also planning to spend his time with his friend looking for shoes rather than enjoying a meal or a drink really doesn’t ring any alarm bells in my world.

Would you feel happier if he said he was meeting a female friend and going out for a meal and cocktails at a cosy bar in a hotel?
Pick your battles, shoe shopping is hardly going to sweep his colleague/friend off of her feet and make her knickers fall off.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 19/03/2019 12:00

If he is deliberately keeping the 2 of you apart that's worrying....

Elmo311 · 19/03/2019 12:00

@GerryblewuptheER it's more about being open to the idea that your OH and friend could meet. I'm just wanting to see what he said when she asked to come along.

My OH doesn't come along when i go out with a friend of the opposite sex and vice versa, but if he was uncomfortable with introudcing me to one of his friends i would be a bit miffed!

ScreamingValenta · 19/03/2019 12:01

I agree, OP. The shoe-shopping seems odd to me.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:03

I must be weird then. My best friend is a man, but my husband knows him really well. They’d chat on the phone, before dh hands it over to me. I go for dinner with my friend alone, but he also comes to the house. He’s my daughter’s godfather, so he comes to see her and he and dh will go out for pints etc.

I don’t have any real friends I wouldn’t want Dh to meet. Some dickhead acquaintances who I wouldn’t wish on anyone obviously .

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 19/03/2019 12:04

Are the shoes for him or her?

I agree it's not necessarily a red flag just because he doesn't want you to come along. Would you have asked to go if it were a male friend? Most of the time I think people would be a lot less interested in 'finally meeting X' if they were of the same sex as their partner.

Is there a reason you don't fully trust him?

I think id be more uncomfortable if they were going for a candle lit meal or drinks together.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 19/03/2019 12:05

I find the idea beyond baffling of meeting up with a male friend and him saying, oh do you want to come with me to buy some shoes.

No, of course I don't, why would that even cross your mind

bringincrazyback · 19/03/2019 12:07

It's weird.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 12:07

I'd be uncomfortable introducing my partner and my friends if I had been questioned about them before hand . I wouldn't want subjected to lines of questioning themselves or to feel.like they were under observation .

But then I've found it quite insulting in the past tbh. That whenever I've spoken to people or said hello to them that their spouses appear out of no where like I'm.going jump them there and then or something. I dont want dragging into marriage issues thanks.

housedoerupper · 19/03/2019 12:09

It’s totally weird op! Agree with the poster above.

thedisorganisedmum · 19/03/2019 12:09

It sounds a bit weird but it depends on the context.
If they have made plans to specifically meet to go to buy his shoes, odd. I mean he's a grown up, who needs a hand hold to buy shoes?
If they had planned to arrange, or talked about going in that shopping centre then decided to meet whilst they are there, makes sense.

The rest depends on your relationship. If DP and I book a week off at the same time, we would be doing something together and that wouldn't include buying shoes
If you are happy to spend time apart usually, why not.

MrsCBY · 19/03/2019 12:10

It’s weird and you’re not being controlling.

Totally weird.

housedoerupper · 19/03/2019 12:10

I mean with penguin, who was above me!

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:10

gerry

But if you have a partner who questions you all the time, then maybe that’s a problem with your relationship and nothing to do with your friends.

When you say spouses appear from nowhere, dragging you into marriage issues, do you mean women appear when you’re talking to their husbands? If you were talking to a woman and her husband appeared and introduced herself would you assume they were worried you were going to jump them and that they were dragging you into marriage issues, thanks? And if not, why not?

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:11

*himself

deydododatdodontdeydo · 19/03/2019 12:11

Not necessarily weird, but if it is for you, then it is.

Hanab · 19/03/2019 12:12

The fact that he said no to you tagging along would make me suspicious

Damntheman · 19/03/2019 12:12

Him going shopping with a female friend is not weird or strange or a red flag of any kind. Friends do stuff together, that's fine!

The flat no to your suggestion to go too though, that's a little more odd. I have to be honest though, if this was my DH and his friend and he said no to me like that I would immediately think he wanted to get me a surprise rather than anything negative.

VenusStarr · 19/03/2019 12:13

Why would he ask a woman to advise on an engagement ring for a woman she's never met? @NuffSaidSam that's even more weird.

OP - you haven't clarified who the shoes are for??

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