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Original poster

Am I being controlling or is this weird?

227 replies

Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 11:27

Posting here because DP told me to in order to see your responses.

DP has a female friend from his old work who I’ve never met. He just told me that he’s going to see her next week. Fine, I have no issues with him having female friends. However he then said it was to go shopping together, and buy some shoes with his end of year bonus. Is it odd that this makes me feel uncomfortable. I offered to come too (we both booked a week off work together) but he said no.

OP posts:
hedgeharris · 19/03/2019 12:54

Yes Injust wonder how the conversation went that he thinks his female friend really wants to go and buy men’s shoes with him! That’s why I ask what he’s thinking - his friend just loves men’s shoes? Bizarre!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/03/2019 12:54

How often does he meet up with her? Are they very good friends? I guess if he knows her well a shopping trip plus lunch isn’t that strange?

FriarTuck · 19/03/2019 12:55

Presumably they're spending some time together for a catch-up and he's suggested getting some shoes while they're out (because it's convenient) rather than him going to her 'I fancy going shoe-shopping, do you want to come?'. There will be lunch or tea and cake or whatever, not just him going 'do you find me sexy in my socks?' and her stripping off to her underwear because the sight of him doing up laces is really getting her hot and bothered.
The only one being controlling is OP trying to muscle in on DP's catch up with a mate who happens to be female (and those posters who can't cope with a man having a platonic relationship with a woman).

Springwalk · 19/03/2019 12:55

Weird.

The fact he doesn't want you to meet her is weird, the fact they are so comfortable they go shopping together is weird.

Is he buying you an engagement ring?? I can only imagine this to be the reason why he would take her....otherwise weird and no, you are not being controlling.

DextroDependant · 19/03/2019 12:56

I think it's a little unusual to meet work colleagues for shopping but I wouldn't be worried about it. If you would trust him to go out for dinner or drinks with her then I think shopping for shoes is fairly safe.

If you wouldn't trust him to meet her for drinks or dinner then perhaps you need to think why that is.

Would you want to tag along if this was a male colleague?

Anytime · 19/03/2019 12:58

I think it's very odd that he doesn't realise it would be the nice thing to do to let you meet her. It's not really about trust, it's just polite in these circumstances to understand that he has a friend you've never met and as you are off work it's the perfect opportunity. If it were my husband, I'd be very uneasy.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 12:58

Oh I couldn't do possessive friends either

To me its simple.

You either trust someone or you dont.

If you dont then you either have to leave or accept you cant be in on every second of their life.

If you do well then even on the off chance their friend does throw themselves at them then you trust that nothings going to come of it because he loves you and is capable of turning someone down.

This middle ground of apparently being happy and trusting them but over analysing their friendships and debating whether or not to let them go based on the sex of the friend or whether or not driving to the vet or returning a microwave is a code word for something else and making sure you are within 6 feet of them at get togethers is too much hard work...

hedgeharris · 19/03/2019 12:59

The ex-colleague point does change it a bit - is she junior to him and therefore used to following his agenda, and also it’s work-y so that’s why you’ve not met her. Work network friends are different so perhaps that’s why he thinks it is weird you meeting?

Perhaps it’s that it’s on the work side more than the personal side. Ask if that’s the reason, I.e he’s not met or talked about her family and partners with her etc.

happyhillock · 19/03/2019 12:59

Ok say he maybe is thinking about buying an engagement, i'd be bloody furious if another female chose my ring.

Original poster
Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 13:00

Shoes are for him, and he specifically arranged to go shoe shopping together, not ‘oh while we are out we can go shoe shopping’

I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable if they were going for a drink or getting lunch. It’s the shoe shopping which makes me feel uneasy. But I guess that’s a me problem, rather than a him problem.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/03/2019 13:01

I think its weird

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 13:02

I can “cope” with men and women having platonic friendships. My best friend, since we were 17, is a man. But I would find it quite strange if my dh never wanted me to meet one of his close friends...

Admittedly, the fact she is female would then make me feel weird, but my first “that’s weird” alarm, would be the dh not wanting me to meet his friends thing.

Maybe it’s because we met quite young, (dh and I), when we had lots of time for friends, so we always knew each other’s friends. I don’t think either of us would insist on not introducing friends to each other. It would definitely be weird for us. Equally if one of my friends took the hump because Dh was “muscling in”, I’d think they were being a twat. It’s all very territorial which I find ick.

hedgeharris · 19/03/2019 13:02

He could’ve done a better job explaining that it’s mosrly a networking keeping in contact sort of relationship if that’s why he doesn’t want you to go. I’d ask if it’s more like that - my dh has lots of work friends who are women I’ve never met and wouldn’t expect to.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2019 13:03

What's he buying you with his bonus?

Good god, how grabby are you?

I personally wouldn't have a problem with it, better her than me, but I'd find it a bit odd that that's the social activity they solely wished to do together.

mummmy2017 · 19/03/2019 13:03

If you trust your partner, then there should be no harm in him having sometime with a friend.
He said shoes, so just ask to see them when he comes home.
I don't think he would have told you I'd he was going to do anything
Did wonder if he was ring shopping, and was excited and wanted a friend who would be excited for him to help look..
I have a male best friend
Both my children have best friends who are the oppersite sex,. Nothing going on in any of these friendships.

KC225 · 19/03/2019 13:04

Hang on, is his mate Trinny and are they heading out for a Zara shop up?

whatdoidonowMN · 19/03/2019 13:04

definitely weird. going for drinks/food is normal, it's what you do when you meet a friend. I can't imagine my boyfriend ever going shopping with a colleague let alone a female one unless they said they'd do something and she went 'oh I need to pop to X to buy Y' and he goes 'oh yeah me too'

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/03/2019 13:05

If he was up to anything would he have mentioned shoe shopping? I can’t see it.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/03/2019 13:05

It's either weird or it's not - that totally depends on how he feels about her. He might be doing it as a chance to do something 'couply' with her because he fancies her and wants to get closer, or she might just be a mate.

If he's reading this I would just say to him - be careful. Be self aware, check your feelings and if you're actively wanting to be alone with her without your wife ask yourself why and whether you could be developing feelings. This could easily be innocent or easily be dodgy, totally depends on the feelings involved.

geekone · 19/03/2019 13:06

I have actually been out with my married friend while he bought shoes. I think we met for lunch I can’t remember, but it wasn’t weird and neither my DH or his DW thought it was. However has my DH or his DW asked to come along then it would not have been a problem. Mind you if I had met my friend and his DW for lunch I would have left them to buy the shoes.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 19/03/2019 13:07

If your going along would ruin the dynamic, then that is disturbing. Because men and women who are platonic friends don't mind if their partners are there. Men and women who have a flirtatious or potentially emotional affair type relationship want to be alone together.

Purplehammer · 19/03/2019 13:08

Buying shoes. Sounds like a euphemism to me.
Probably the best he could come up with on the spur of the moment.
Is he usually a bit dim.

yanboo · 19/03/2019 13:09

Female friend my arse.

Jess499427 · 19/03/2019 13:09

I don’t think it’s weird. Me and DH usually book our annual leave together (because we don’t have children yet and it makes sense). If we both had a week off, we would probably go on a couple of days out, do some bits around the house together, but also he would see his friends and I would see mine. Sometimes together and sometimes separately. Things that would be normal for us:
Invite another couple round for meal
Meet friend for coffee
Meet friend for evening drinks
Shopping with friend
Dog walk with friend

All of which may be done alone or with partner. If he is going to a friends house, I might arrange to meet my friend for a dog walk. If he is meeting his friend from uni that I’ve met once for coffee, I probably wouldn’t go. We both have male and female friends. We both would see opposite sex friends alone. Some of his opposite sex friends I haven’t met immediately but I do usually meet them eventually. I wouldn’t say “no you can’t go out for coffee with her until I’ve met her.” I really get on with some of his friends, others not so much and I’m sure it’s the same for him. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 13:10

Also I can 100% guarantee he is not getting me an engagement ring

OP posts:
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