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Original poster

Am I being controlling or is this weird?

227 replies

Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 11:27

Posting here because DP told me to in order to see your responses.

DP has a female friend from his old work who I’ve never met. He just told me that he’s going to see her next week. Fine, I have no issues with him having female friends. However he then said it was to go shopping together, and buy some shoes with his end of year bonus. Is it odd that this makes me feel uncomfortable. I offered to come too (we both booked a week off work together) but he said no.

OP posts:
FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:14

When you say spouses appear from nowhere, dragging you into marriage issues, do you mean women appear when you’re talking to their husbands? If you were talking to a woman and her husband appeared and introduced herself would you assume they were worried you were going to jump them and that they were dragging you into marriage issues, thanks? And if not, why not?

I’ll try this again, sorry;

When you say spouses appear from nowhere, dragging you into marriage issues, do you mean women appear when you’re talking to their husbands? If you were talking to a woman and her husband appeared and introduced himself would you assume he was worried you were going to jump his wife and that they were dragging you into marriage issues, “thanks”? And if not, why not?

My point being that you’ve made a huge assumption that a woman introducing herself to you is jealous and thinks that you are a threat to her “troubled” marriage, when she could easily be very happily married and just trying to be friendly.

I am super friendly when I meet people. I do NOT think you’re interested in my husband 😂.

MeredithGrey1 · 19/03/2019 12:14

I think it depends on how it came about. If they arranged to have lunch in a busy town centre/shopping centre and he's just said something like "oh that's convenient, I've been meaning to go and get some new shoes from [nearby shop]" then I don't think its that weird.
If he was thinking that he needed new shoes, and so called her up and said "want to come shoe shopping with me" then its a bit weird. Not that it means anything is going on between them, its just an odd thing to do I think.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/03/2019 12:15

Punctuation is everything - he is buying himself shoes (or her?) - they are meeting up and coincidentally going shopping ?

You really want to gate crash this? I'm afraid you are controlling.

If I took my DH to meet my friends they would have nothing in common, ditto when I meet his friends. I have absolutely zero interest in them. Yes I'm polite enough but if there is no common ground it is excruciating.

butteryellow · 19/03/2019 12:15

I think it rather depends on how these things normally go in your relationship.

DP and I don't do a lot of shopping - if he announced he was going shopping for a new pair of shoes with an ex-collegue I'd think it was a bit odd, unless there was some reason they were an expert. I wouldn't mis-trust him or anything, I'd just think it was a bit odd (TBH, I'd feel the same if he was going shopping with a male collegue).

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:15

That^^ was to @gerryblewuptheer

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 19/03/2019 12:15

I would find it weird op.

Bigonesmallone3 · 19/03/2019 12:16

I wouldn't be comfortable with it!
Especially as u don't know her and u can come but aren't allowed!

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 19/03/2019 12:16

There's nothing weird about it, he's being an old friend and going shopping, is it only women who are allowed to do this? Shoe shopping is not a coupley activity, if he was using her for a sunset beach picnic after a couple's massage you might have a point

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 12:16

I used to have a neighbur across the street. Sometimes hed chat to me in passing.

Without fail every time his wife would either call him away or come out and start domineering the conversation or hold his hand or something.

Used to see it when I worked in bars too. Girlfriends appearing at the bar draping themselves over their boyfriends if they had been taking their time getting drinks due to a queue

Like seriously..

Either you trust your partners or you dont.

If you dont then as you say it's not the friends problem and dont drag them into it by Intruding on their time together.

I have a Male friend I dont get to see them.that often. I live with dp. I see him all the time. I would hate dp asking to come along

Orangecookie · 19/03/2019 12:16

Yes I’d be a bit wary that I wasn’t welcome. Otherwise I wouldn’t have a problem with shopping.

Male friendships with women that are exclusive I think are not healthy when in a marriage. A bit childish if you ask me! And what’s the problem with you Going? Friendships are meant to grow and encompass the new partner. Otherwise it is holding on to the single, often flirtatious or emotional connection that was fine the, but disrespectful now.

Eliza9917 · 19/03/2019 12:17

Are you married/engaged? If not maybe he's going ring shopping.

Other than that, I think its weird. My DP wouldn't take anyone else shopping with him. If he did want input, I'd go with him, although we sometimes shop together i.e. before a holiday or event. Why would anyone else be interested in his clothing/shoes?

Karigan195 · 19/03/2019 12:17

Any of my partners female friends are totally welcome to take him shoe shopping. It’s the single most painful shopping experience ever. Last time I ended up sat on the floor looking like one of those abandoned men in a dress shop after 50 mins of indecision from him!

Karigan195 · 19/03/2019 12:18

However telling you not to go is a red flag to me.

Rattymam · 19/03/2019 12:19

I wouldn't want my partner to tag along when I go out with my friends.

Why is buying shoes weird Confused

You seem very controlling and paranoid. Has he given you reason to feel this way in the past?

yearinyearout · 19/03/2019 12:19

I would find it very odd if my DH went out shopping with a female friend from work, especially if he was adamant that I wasn't welcome.

areyoureallysaying · 19/03/2019 12:20

If it was my Husband I would find it really odd as it would be totally out of character for him. He hates shopping at the best of times and though he has female friends they are really only the female half of couple friends. I however (due to the nature of one of my interests ) have lots of male friends most of whom havent met my H. I would think nothing of meeting them for shopping/drinking/lunch and would hate it if H came as I know he wouldn't be interested in them and it would be like babysitting trying to explain everything

HolyForkingShirt · 19/03/2019 12:21

Male friendships with women that are exclusive I think are not healthy when in a marriage. A bit childish if you ask me! And what’s the problem with you Going? Friendships are meant to grow and encompass the new partner.

I don't agree at all. Why should the friendship (none of mine are flirtatious) have to include the new partner?? My friends wouldn't feel comfortable telling me about their problems or life issues if my partner was sat there listening, so the friendship wouldn't really be the same.

Why do you want to come along anyway? Would you come along if it was a male friend - probably not. So if it's to "supervise", the issue boils down to the fact you don't trust him.

babysharkah · 19/03/2019 12:21

I don't think it's controlling. I can't imagine dh saying he's going shopping for shoes and talking a work colleague for help. It's properly odd.

cantbebotheredtoday · 19/03/2019 12:23

I would find it weird and wouldn't be comfortable with it - any of it - at all.

My partner would not be going shopping with a female friend.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 12:25

My partner would not be going shopping with a female friend

If the 2 of you need to ask or grant permission to go anywhere then you have bigger problems that who you think you are obstructing them from seeing Confused

Orangecookie · 19/03/2019 12:26

@Holyforking because healthy boundaries = healthy relationships.

Not controlling. Her DP is being controlling by keeping them apart. Why should it matter that she was there, I’d be happy for any of my friends to meet, it’s really nice if they get on. Why the exclusivity? Bit weird.

I’ve known so many couples and marriages, and the strong ones are the ones who don’t have little ego boosting ‘friendships’, or keep them away from their current partner. The strong, lasting ones encompass friendships and are flexible, and never exclusive.

Coffeepot72 · 19/03/2019 12:26

All sounds very strange to me. If the boot (shoe?) were on the other foot (no pun intended) I wonder how the DP would feel about the OP shoe shopping with a male friend?

Sorry but this is a red flag for me.

Drogosnextwife · 19/03/2019 12:27

It's weird.

My DP wouldn't go shopping for clothes or shoes with another woman, as I wouldn't go with a man no matter how friendly we were. What makes her input on his clothing anymore valuable than yours?

Mississippilessly · 19/03/2019 12:28

At first I thought it was a bit odd but actually I wouldn't have a problem if it was a male friend so I guess I shouldnt have a problem with a female friend.
I dont see why you would be invited though- she is his friend, not yours.

HolyForkingShirt · 19/03/2019 12:30

I’ve known so many couples and marriages, and the strong ones are the ones who don’t have little ego boosting ‘friendships’, or keep them away from their current partner. The strong, lasting ones encompass friendships and are flexible, and never exclusive.

Again, I don't think that's true. For example, my partner has met all my friends in group situations, but when I meet them for a catch-up it's because I want to catch up with them, and my partner doesn't need/want to be there while we chat about what so-and-so from uni is up to. I think healthy boundaries means trusting each other and having your own lives and friends outside of each other. I've found that couples who live in each others pockets tend to be the most unhealthy and break up down the line.