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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being controlling or is this weird?

227 replies

Gomyownway · 19/03/2019 11:27

Posting here because DP told me to in order to see your responses.

DP has a female friend from his old work who I’ve never met. He just told me that he’s going to see her next week. Fine, I have no issues with him having female friends. However he then said it was to go shopping together, and buy some shoes with his end of year bonus. Is it odd that this makes me feel uncomfortable. I offered to come too (we both booked a week off work together) but he said no.

OP posts:
HolyForkingShirt · 19/03/2019 12:31

Also, would you really invite your partner to every meeting you had with a female friend?

GottaGoGottaGo · 19/03/2019 12:32

Not odd he wants to spend time with his friend, even if she is female, without his partner around, does seems odd to specify going shoe shopping unless, as others have said, she works at a shoe shop and can get him discount. Really OP, only you know if this seems unusual or untrustworthy behaviour or not. Have to say, if my DH said he was going shoe shopping with a female friend, I'd be checking his temperature and getting him to have a little lie down.

Boysey45 · 19/03/2019 12:32

I see nothing wrong or strange about it at all. They might then be going for a coffee or something afterwards.
She might be able to get some discount or something or he might be asking her advise about a gift for you.

NuffSaidSam · 19/03/2019 12:34

'Why would he ask a woman to advise on an engagement ring for a woman she's never met? @NuffSaidSam that's even more weird'

I was half joking tbh!

But maybe she's got a great eye for jewellery? She's great at moral support? He didn't want to ask any of OP's friends because they couldn't keep it a secret? She or close family member work in a jewellers and could get him a great ring at good price? He knows what the OP likes he needs someone to advise on quality etc. and she's good at that? He put the names of all his friends in a hat and pulled one out at random? He's going to ask her to be his best (wo)man?

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 12:35

I've found that couples who live in each others pockets tend to be the most unhealthy and break up down the line

That's what I've found too. I've worked with so many people who cant go an hour without phoning or texting their partners.

I mean right now dp is at work. At least that is where he claims to be. Could technically be anywhere banging anyone .

I'm at home. Im on my own but theoretically i could have anyone round here.

Neither of us find it necessary to check on hourly to make sure

And neither of us feel the need to tag along when the other meets up with friends.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 19/03/2019 12:35

No, it's weird and a bit inappropriate.
The fact that he won't let you come along is even worse.
I wouldn't be happy about this.

MerryMarigold · 19/03/2019 12:37

It's a hard one, OP. I'd find it very weird and quite personal, going shoe shopping with someone. It's what I'd do with a really GOOD friend, not just a colleague or even a school mum friend. I think there is something quite intimate in seeing someone in something different and offering opinions on whether it suits them.

However, if she is particularly experienced in this area or has a discount card or something, then I can see the reasoning.

Has he offered an explanation as to why shoe shopping and not just lunch?

Coldilox · 19/03/2019 12:37

Inappropriate? Because why? She may see his feet?

outpinked · 19/03/2019 12:38

I think it’s weird you’ve never met her, have you met his other friends but he’s keeping her separate? That would concern me most of all if so.

I don’t think not inviting you along is weird, it would make the whole dynamic awkward. Three’s a crowd and all that...

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 19/03/2019 12:38

Do you go shoe shopping with some other woman's DP?

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:39

Ah I see what you mean gerry. So they’re not being friendly to you.

I’ve seen that occasionally. My mum had it happen to her once on holiday and the wife was avail horrible actually. “Who’s SHE?”? Not even talking to my mum, just to her husband. Horrible cow. My mum was just being, wait for it, friendly!

Weirdly the only time someone has been defensive over me talking to their partner it was a lesbian couple and I’d just got engaged to my now husband. That was just stupid. I was friends with one half of the couple and had no designs on her at all. As soon as the OH saw me, oh the draping, snogging and never spoke to me once.

If my dh was talking to anyone and I was at a loose end, I might be guilty of bounding over to introduce myself sometimes, especially if it was a person I’d heard a lot about, because I genuinely like meeting people. I wouldn’t get jealous. I’m of the if he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat perspective.

But, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t find what’s going on with the op a little strange if I was in her shoes. I wouldn’t INSIST on coming along or anything, but I’d definitely feel a bit weird that he particularly did not want me to meet her.

I wouldn’t do it to dh either. He knows all my close friends and I know his. It would be weird if there was one he insisted I wasn’t allowed to meet.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 12:41

Thays the worst part they would he friendly.

And I talk to them on exactly the same way I speak to their boyfriends.

I dont treat people any differently.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:43

Thays the worst part they would he friendly.

Why is that the worst part? Maybe they just liked you Confused.

Mitzimaybe · 19/03/2019 12:44

I do think it's a bit weird. He has this long-standing friend whom you have never met. Maybe there's never been an opportunity, but now there is an opportunity but he doesn't want you there. You have both booked the same week off work, presumably to spend time / do things together. He then arranges to spend one of those days with another woman and you're not invited. He didn't check with you that this was OK, he just told you that's what's happening.

The shoe shopping bit I don't really understand. Is he normally capable of buying shoes on his own or does he take you along too? I don't know whether shoe shopping would bother me or not; it's the seeming to want to keep the two of you apart that would bother me.

DevaDiva · 19/03/2019 12:45

Him wanting to go shopping with a friend isn't weird, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

It's a bit strange he doesn't want you to meet his friend though, what's his reason for not wanting you to join them? If they want time just to catch up I would suggest meeting up with them for lunch or a coffee and then letting them get on with their shopping trip.

MirandaGoshawk · 19/03/2019 12:45

You are his partner, and therefore the most important person in his life, but he enjoys her company and he doesn't see her much. Coincidentally he wants to buy some shoes, so he is going to do this when he meets her. Is that correct?

Unless you don't trust him, I wouldn't worry about it - it sounds like a convenience thing rather than a deliberate attempt to exclude you. If you want to a) be there when he chooses the shoes, or b) want to meet the friend, tell him! Maybe he could do the shoes with you instead. Or why not invite her to your place for a meal, if meeting her and sussing her out is so important to you? But that is making a big deal of it. I bet if you put your foot down he would not meet up with her. Do you want to be that controlling wife? Trust him, let him get on with it, and be an adult.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 12:45

I have no idea tbh.

They have moved house since. But she accused him of having an.aggiar with at least 2 of the people in the street. Whilst simultaneously being nice to us...

Was weird.

GerryblewuptheER · 19/03/2019 12:46

Affair

hedgeharris · 19/03/2019 12:50

What might bother me is that you’ve not met the friend and he’s arranged this in your week off together. I also wonder why she wants to help a random male friend buy shoes? Not exactly fun for her?

The shopping bit IS a little strange, I’d suspect cover for buying you something except why is he asking advice from a woman that hasn’t met you? So on face value, it seems a bit odd on a couple of levels.

Does he have odd social skills? I’m not sure I’d get worked up as such as trust is trust and my dh travels all over and long stretches where he could be buying shoes with anyone but it is strange in several ways.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/03/2019 12:50

Op if you think it is weird then it is weird.

I know if Dp suddenly announced he was going shoe shopping with a female friend I would immediately think shoe shopping was a code word for something else.

If he has done this before or it is a regular thing that they go shopping together then it could be perfectly above board but only you can answer that

Trust your gut.

I

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:51

Well she doesn’t sound quite right, or at least her relationship with her Dh doesn’t sound great. Maybe he shagged half the street before somewhere else.

But don’t assume everyone who wants to get to know you is defending her ‘turf’. The very notion makes me feel a bit sick tbh. I like meeting all sorts of people and I love my dh so I like meeting his friends. He’s not my turf, but not is he theirs. It goes both ways and I think some friends can be as possessive as partners; not wanting friends to spend “too much” time with their partner etc. Fortunately none of Dh’s friends are possessive like that btw and neither are dh and I with each other. We just like spending time with each other and we like getting to know each other’s good friends. And my friends like getting to know him too. It doesn’t always have to be about ‘turf’ which, as I say is a disgusting idea.

FuckertyBoo · 19/03/2019 12:52

Again, that^^ was to gerry.

purpleboy · 19/03/2019 12:52

I think it's weird he won't let you come. If you've booked the time off together surely it's to spend time TOGETHER? I personally wouldn't choose to go shoe shopping with a male friend, and my husband hasn't ever expressed a desire to go shopping with a female friend. I guess it's just different dynamics in relationships.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 19/03/2019 12:53

To my ears, "buying shoes" sounds like the lamest excuse in the world. I would suspect he made it up on the spur of the moment and that he. is. not. buying. shoes.

Clutching at straws here, but is there any possibility that she is actually helping him choose a surprise gift for you?

happyhillock · 19/03/2019 12:54

I wouldn't be happy with it, it's okay to have male/female friend's, but i wouldn't like it if my DP was taking a female friend out for a drink/dinner my DP wouldn't like me doing it either, i would invite them around for dinner or we would all go out as friend's, you not being invited would raise the red flag for me

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