To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

Nobody ever wants to be my friend and I’m not sure why

That’s a sad comment..... I don’t have loads of friends either and I wouldn’t describe myself as socially awkward. People are probably tied up more in their own lives rather than judging you Velvet.

If someone is shy, fine. I will make an effort, keep the conversation going, and try to get to know them. If after meeting them 3 or 4 times they are still giving 1 or 2-word answers and asking no questions, then I give up.
I do have a lot of sympathy for people on this thread where the issue is poor social skills. And I do think there is a large gap in the market for social skills courses for adults. Although there are books that could help.

SomewhereInBetween If you want to be mean, that is your choice.

@thecatsthecats

Yes that was my suggestions for the quiet people who said they didn’t know what to say in social settings. If in doubt always ask about the other person. But if you’re asking an open question and someone’s shutting it down then my recommendation is to be as mute as them and see who can stand the excruciating social awkwardness the longest!

Some people who are quiet can actually be quite rude. Monosyllabic replies, Giving off a clear vibe that they don't want to engage with you. Create an atmosphere by sitting with a face like a slapped arse as everyone else chats.

People at the other end of the extreme are equally annoying.

I never really know what to say to people. I went to a wedding recently but think I managed to speak to the strangers sitting next to me appropriately so maybe they didn’t think I was a weirdo! I found it exhausting.

As an adult, I can’t seem to make new friends. Oh well. I tried to make friends with a wife of DH. Had dinner parties etc but she obviously didn’t like me as never responsed to my FB friend request or text to suggest a coffee!

I think there is a fundamental misunderstanding of what ‘being quiet’ is from some people on this thread. If I was at a social gathering and was sat next to a stranger, then I would of course attempt to make conversation but it would be incredibly difficult. If it comes across wrong, or rude then fair enough but I’d give it a go. I can’t explain why it’s so hard, I would just be uncomfortable. And trying to maintain that for an entire event would be quite mentally exhausting. So, why would I actively put myself through this at work? Day in day out. In a large office with colleagues who I barely know? I’m there to work not socialise. To say quiet people are better off working from home is just wrong, gossip at the water cooler is not a requirement for a job. Good morning and a smile I think goes a long way. I do have friends, and relationships that I’ve built with people who I’m comfortable around but struggle to branch out further. I know my limitations being a quiet person.

I think the ones that actively express their disapproval are people that need a lot of validation. I.e. fawning over them, so they know you like them.
Introverted people don’t tend to need this validation so much, so don’t bother with the tail wagging and giddyups, basically most people just want to feel liked it’s not always apparent if you’re a little shy and reserved.
Beyond that if you’re too quiet, you’re probably not even registering on the other persons radar, so they probably have no opinion on you either way.

I'm very quiet and prefer quietness and my own company, but as I have gotten older I have learned to become quite good at chit chat. I will offer up information about myself and my family and will equally take an interest in people and ask them about their lives, but I'm still definitely more of a listener than a talker. It's taken years and years to get to become better at talking and conversation, but I still don't feel as though I am a natural at conversations and I do find social interactions exhausting!!
I don't know if some people don't like me because I'm quiet, but another good thing about getting older is you care less and ,less what people think about you :)

NO ONE LIKES SMALK TALK

Let's be honest. Introverted and extroverted people hate it equally. Some people , and they can be introverted or extroverted have developed coping mechanisms or social skills to get round it. They can be learnt, like anything else. Practice helps but I've never met a single person who thinks " oh goody!" When sat next to strangers at a wedding/ at the hairdressers/ at a conference etc etc etc.

Saying you " can't do" small talk can rather smack of a certain snooty aloofness ( whether that's true or not) when secretly, most people would rather be at hoe in their PJs inhaling crisps and watching Peep Show.

I've frequently been described as 'quiet'- partly because I am naturally fairly introverted and partly because at certain times in my life I lacked confidence and assumed no one would want to speak to me/I'd bore people/people would judge me etc.

It takes me a while to make friends with someone and I really hate being out in a large group. I know that my quiet nature means that a lot of people simply don't get to know me but the only times I've heard that someone actively dislikes me because of it they have been dicks that I would not wish to be friends with anyway. For example- a colleague who delighted in becoming 'great friends' with people then sharing personal information about them with the whole office/making 'jokes' about things they had confided in them. It really irritated her that I did not want to share my life history with her. Similarly a couple of people who delighted in being the centre of attention and having others fawn over them/drop everything to go out with them etc- they hated the fact that I had no interest in joining the competition to be their friend. I think it says far more about them than me.

I'm the same. I have had this in most of my jobs-co-workers deciding they hate me for being quiet and shy after me only working there for a matter of days. It gets me down because I just can't figure it out in my head. I can understand feeling a bit 'meh' about someone who is shy, but HATE...? How can you actively and passionately HATE someone for it. It's such a strong feeling. I personally can only hate someone when they've done something really awful to myself or someone else. Even then, I'm a very forgiving person.

It says more about them than it does you. Could you ever have hateful feelings towards someone who hasn't actually done anything other than be quiet? There are plenty of people who I don't think are my cup of tea, but I wouldn't dream of saying I actively hate them. You'd have to be a hateful person to hate someone that passionately.

so are you full of deep and meaningful stuff that you're just not sharing with the world because 'you don't speak just for the sake of speaking'?

Precisely

I am quiet, but I get how frustrating it is for others and how it can make them feel awkward. I try hard to think of something to say and try to be smiley, but it is hard a lot of the time. I wish I wasn't quiet, but I cannot fundamentally change.

I have had this in most of my jobs-co-workers deciding they hate me for being quiet and shy after me only working there for a matter of days

I agree hate is a really strong emotion... but how do you know your colleagues hate you?

I've had this all my life. I have always been quiet, shy and introverted. As a child and adult I've noticed some people don't like me as they see quietness as a sign of being weird. Now as an adult I see some mums at the school haven't warmed to me. We go to a great school where all the parents really are lovely people. They have all formed a remarkable closeness with each other, go on holidays together, often seem to be embracing each other in the playground. Because I'm so shy I've always stood back from it all (whilst being as polite and smiley as I can!) and they obviously see me as aloof. Some of the mums avert their eyes when they see me despite my big smile and me saying "Hi". I believe its the louder, extroverted people who just don't get quiet people. They really can't understand it. On the plus side I do have many friends I've made over the years and the friends I have seem to really appreciate and love me for who I am.

I've always been naturally quiet and suffer from social phobia.

I find people who are naturally confident do struggle to understand and tend to dismiss me as rude/ standoffish etc.

I'm thankful for those who have taken the time to get to know me and been pleasantly surprised that I love nothing more than a good chat over a coffee. That I have a sense of humour and that I'm not any of the things they may have pre judged me to be.

My eldest child is 19 and never spoken a word in his life (due to his disability) but I talk to him constantly. I just speak to him as I would if he was verbal. It gives him reassurance.

Another way to make people hate you even more if you're shy is to dress nicely and wear a lot of make up...this improves my confidence but makes people think I'm not just a snooty cow but a vain snooty cow! It couldn't be further from the truth!

Quiet is fine if you are willing to engage with people if they approach you. I don’t mind quiet and I’ll happily sit with a quiet person and chat with them one to one. But sometimes it’s impossible to keep a conversation going when any questions I ask are answered with one word. It feels like I’m interviewing instead of conversing and i really struggle with that. That’s when I find it rude, like you have no interest in becoming friendly at all. My SIL is the same and I don’t feel I can get close to her because she just doesn’t give me the time of day. Once you know someone I’ll happily sit in silence but you do need to be friends first to get to that point!

Yes, I've had that all my life. I'm quiet and shy, but I do make the effort to smile, speak when I can, and I'm always polite. But I've often had people suggest that it's rude to be quiet. You can't win really - you're supposed to "be yourself" but when I'm myself I'm seen as being rude.

The only time this worked well for me, was when I was dating . Men would say I was mysterious, that they didn't know what I was thinking and assumed that I was thinking wonderful thoughts. I didn't complain about that , ha ha. Even if it was totally untrue !

And I wouldn’t say I was a massive extrovert either! Just middle ground...

People are probably tied up more in their own lives rather than judging you Velvet
It’s true though. I’ve always struggled to make friends. For example I joined a hobby and people were nice but just acquaintances. Then other people joined and I soon noticed others hugging them and wanting to sit beside them and meeting up with them outside of the group. I don’t know how they achieved that friendship or why they didn’t show that interest in me. I tried to make friends with a couple of women, invited them out for coffee several times, sent a nice message when they were ill, offered to help them with stuff... no interest in being my friend. It’s obviously my fault somehow because it’s been a lifelong problem.

cantbearsed1 Really don't see how me not wanting to talk in depth about my life makes me mean, but ok 😂 you do you!

And are we supposed to believe that people can’t think of a single thing to say in a social setting?
I think I quite often say the wrong thing because there are awkward silences. I was waiting for the lift with an interviewer and I spied an interesting vase on a shelf, so to fill the awkward silence I politely said “that’s nice, I collect ceramics and that looks like X designer. If it’s a genuine one they’re actually really rare”. The guy smiled awkwardly and picked it up, said it’s not labelled with any name, then we got in the lift. The feedback afterwards was that I seemed weird and made the guy feel awkward. But I had thought that was a polite small talk comment. So I guess I just don’t know how to do it properly.

@NinnieNouse is that not exactly he point of this thread???

Of course they are told to make conversation, it’s basic customer service. I just don’t enjoy it and find it pointless and sometimes stressful trying to think of things to say, and pretend I care about their holiday plans, and knowing full well they don’t give 2 shits about mine. I wish we could all just be comfortable enough to enjoy the silence without feeling the need to fill it all the time.