To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

@peoplepleaser1 i think if you'd made the effort to talk to me, I'd feel extremely grateful and would try my best to chat, even though I'd be feeling quite anxious.

I think there's a BIG difference between being shy and naturally quiet, and being anti-social. Being shy isn't a reason to be rude.

If I made the effort to talk to someone who made zero effort back, and I'm super shy, then I'd take it personally and think it was my fault.

I echo PP who have said the chattier the other person, the chattier I feel I can be too. Hence, if someone chatters on about themselves I would feel infinitely more comfortable.

It is contradictory too because if I'm with close friends I'm the loud one, it's just strangers I struggle confidence-wise with.

At a social event my natural reaction would be to want to be invisible, even though I desperately want to interact.

It's a lifelong progress for me!

But I appreciate anyone making the effort conversationally, and I will do my best to reciprocate. I'm often left on my own at weddings etc because I don't know how to overcome that shy barrier. Like, why on earth would anyone want to talk to me? What if they don't want to talk to me and they're being polite? What if I say something dumb? What if I'm boring? What if they see the awkward weirdo person that I am?

Just remembered - the one and only time I played Bingo in one of those Bingo centers, with a friend, I won.

I was too shy to say! I lost out on a good cash prize because I literally could not draw attention to myself.

Shyness is a very real barrier.

They read, observe, listen and process what others are saying and what is going on around them

And then what?

I am not a real extrovert but while I love my own company I also enjoy company of others & enjoy chat n small talk n whatever. Here it's seems to be you either quiet n shy n say nothing or loud gregarious n always want company of others. I am not a fan of either of those extremes. The quiet ones who say nothing sit & 'suss you out' as per above n make conversation like hard work I would not be inclined to want to socialise with them BUT I would try n find some common ground if I was in their company. The loud gregarious me ME types I cringe from too. But again have had those people in my life n get on with it & can have a bit if fun with them in small doses.

I think there is a fine line between being quiet and too quiet, just like being loud, or too loud.

It shows a lack of understanding of the comfort of others and the social contract that you share.

If you are so quiet that people feel uncomfortable, and that there is a perception that you are being rude and standoffish, then I think that needs attention and for you to work on it.

if you are so loud that people find it hard to get a word in edgeways and find your presence overbearing then that is also a lack of consideration for others.

I say this as a quiet person who likes their own company but who was once told by a very close friend that they really didn't like me on first meeting because I didn't say anything and just stared (in a way they perceived to be scrutinous).

I think there is a fine line between being quiet and too quiet

I think people are who they are and we should accept that. Saying someone is too quiet is very critical. Who is to say what anyone should be like?

People can be who they like, but they then can't complain if not everyone warms to them. The premise of the OP and previous responses was that it was unreasonable of anyone to dislike someone for being too quiet. Dislike is probably the wrong word, but I think it's just as valid to find someone wearing for being too quiet as it is for finding them too loud.

Even naturally quiet people should make the effort to engage in basic, polite conversation. I’m confident and chatty, but believe me it doesn’t thrill me to make polite chit chat about holidays or the weather with people I don’t know. But I do it because 1) it’s necessary in a lot of social and professional settings; and 2) because if you don’t make the effort with polite small talk, however do you get to know anyone well enough to move past it into conversations you actually enjoy?

Some people on this thread have enjoyed making sneery comments to the effect that they’re above small talk, and only bother to engage in meaningful conversations. The truth is you aren’t of a deeper mind than anyone else. You’re just less willing to make the effort to be polite.

I think people are who they are and we should accept that. Saying someone is too quiet is very critical. Who is to say what anyone should be like?

Is saying someone is too loud very critical too?

I am quiet, I hate events in which I am expected to mix but as i said earlier there is a social contract in which we all engage in to be polite to each other. This involves being aware of whether we are making others uncomfortable. Shouting at someone is just as annoying as sitting with someone who is silent and awkward.

People can be who they like, but they then can't complain if not everyone warms to them. The premise of the OP and previous responses was that it was unreasonable of anyone to dislike someone for being too quiet

The OP would be better off accepting herself as she is and not giving a fuck what someone else thinks.

That's a matter of opinion I guess. It sounds a fairly misanthropic and lonely way to live to me. Does it apply equally to otfputtingly loud people? I agree there is a lot to he said for fewer, more intimate friendships and if people are perfectly content with that then fab, but many on here were lamenting not having better relationships with work colleagues etc and the fact is sometimes making an effort to give something of yourself reaps dividends, albeit carries some risk.

Yes my OH female friends find me "up myself" boring and quiet simply because I tend to keep myself to myself and I'm not outspoken like them

LovelyIssues

What do you mean by outspoken.

Do you mean having an opinion and chatting about it.

Do you have an opinion but don’t say anything for fear of being shot down.

Do you think that doesn’t cross people’s minds before speaking. But in order to progress the conversation someone has to put their opinion out there and then people have their own opinion. It is called making an effort with the conversation.

From what has been said on here it appears that the quiet ones think that they are the deep thinkers, the ones who think they should not put any effort into small talk or getting a conversation started and the loud ones are there for their entertainment.

The loud ones just get on with life and try to bring the quiet ones into the conversation but it is very hard when there is a pathological reluctance to speak more than one word answers.
They seem to put in all the effort but just end up with nothing. The feeling on this thread is the quiet ones look down their noses at the loud ones for opening their mouths.

Still not sure what a pp meant by being “sussed out”

I didn't talk until I was 3 (older sister talked for me ! ) I have always been painfully shy and mouse like ,I was content playing on my own and I remember peeping out from behind my Mum's skirt when people spoke to me and turning red when spoken to . Walking into a room full of people still fills me with dread . But I am now 60 and over the years I have learned to cope and anyone meeting me now would not realize that I am shy and nervous as I try to be friendly and courteous even if inside I am wobbling . It feels very cathartic to actually write this down as its not really something that is ever talked about and it should be . So say it loud and proud - there is nothing wrong with being quiet !

There is nothing wrong with being quiet/shy or whatever. It’s not a personality disorder and it doesn’t need “working on.”

I daresay that in the USA if you have insurance/lots of money, you can see a psychiatrist and spend thousands of dollars on therapy and medication!

Everybody else just gets on with it.

Can you imagine going to an NHS GP and saying you are too quiet and need help? There is little mental health money, people who actually need help don’t get it. In my area, a GP would put you on a 12 month waiting list for CBT and refer you to self help books.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet/shy or whatever. It’s not a personality disorder and it doesn’t need “working on.”

Absolutely 110% right!

Some of the posts on this thread are beyond ridiculous.

I am crap at awkward moments with just a few quiet people. I guess I should learn to stick my nose in phone like others do. Instead I get nervous at the long silences & babble to fill it. In a busy environment I prefer to be totally quiet, though, let someone else fill the void.

Cheer up, OP. You could be a babbler like me who often sticks foot in mouth & has to deal with that fallout.

I struggle to empathise tbh as don’t see how making gentle comments about mundane stuff is so stressful and upsetting. Most people I know aren’t loud but can hold a normal pleasant conversation with other adults they haven’t known since school.

A question for the quiet people (of whom I am one) - say you're in a slow lift with someone you know to say hello to. As you stand there watching the numbers slowly climb, if you don't say anything, and they don't say anything, does that feel OK to you? Or is it uncomfortable? I would find it uncomfortable, even though I don't enjoy small talk, and if the other person managed a quick "how about that [thing we have in common], eh?" I would be grateful to them. If you're perfectly happy to stand there in silence, I suppose none of this applies to you, but if you would like me be grateful for being thrown a conversational lifeline, then I think you have a responsibility to try and throw a few of your own - I think small talk is a kind of emotional work, and if you benefit from it, you should try and share it. If you're chronically shy not, I mean, bit if you just don't like small talk - I mean who actually likes doing small talk?

As someone who used to be shy, i came to the conclusion that shyness is kind of a form of self obsession.

Hmm, I am happy to give a quick nod or wave of recognition and wait quietly while the lift does its job. I've never considered that this might be uncomfortable for other people. Much as I wouldn't feel obliged to start up a conversation to people in the tube.

If I was wanted to talk to someone in the lift or on the tube, of course I would start up a conversation.

“Vulpine
As someone who used to be shy, i came to the conclusion that shyness is kind of a form of self obsession.”

Once again, being shy is not a character defect or something you need to get over.

If you see someone you know on a lift it would be rude not to talk to them. It would come across as blanking then and if you only spoke to a person because you wanted something that too is rude.

Polarbear - for me life is easier and more enjoyable not being shy

Vulpine - but that isn’t the case for many people who are shy.