To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

If you are not interested in other people or do not show an interest and reciprocate a two way exchange then people are not going to warm to you.

I think you can get away with not talking in say a big work meeting but in a one to one situation being quiet is not a likeable behaviour.

I am a by nature a shy person and an introvert in that I need some alone time and don't usually enjoy parties - but I'm also naturally interested in other people so I come across as warm and friendly and I make friends easily.

I am fully prepared to accept that people find me rude. But to some extent I find chatty small talk people disingenuous, pretending to be interested when they clearly (99% of the time) don’t really care. That puts me on edge and makes me distrust someone. But like I say, I’m happy in my own company so don’t really care if someone else finds me rude and doesn’t want to socialise with me.

Yup,
I'm often seen as standoffish because I'm quiet and have been told on a few occasions that I appear to have a 'superior' or 'judgemental' attitude.
It used to bother me, but my current take on it is that people who feel judged by my me being quiet are responding to their own feelings of insecurity.

I like quiet people. People don't like me because I talk too much. Quiet people let me talk for a bit and then I ask them questions - they usually are OK with that and answer (nothing too nosy).

Are you 'quiet' or are you more civilised than loud, brash people? It's all a matter of perspective, I've never belonged to the 'life and soul of the party' mentality and as I've got older I drink very little, which is also deemed a bit offish by a type.

These threads always go the same way. Quiet people are deep. Chatty people are shallow idiots.

I can't stand the extrovert/introvert 'war'. It's a sliding scale and I suspect that most people are actually landing somewhere in the middle between the two. I know that I'm quite firmly on the middle line at least.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet, I find quiet people quite refreshing sometimes. But I feel there's a difference between being a quiet person, and being a person who actively blocks any attempt to bond and get to know each other. A lot of people find silences awkward - sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I think what's important here is to try to understand the perspective of the other person and then be respectful of each other.

I'm sorry you feel people dislike you just because you're quiet! That would be a terrible reason to choose to dislike someone.

I don't think so, but sometimes people think that I don't like them. Which every time I've heard this, has never been the case.

I remember when I was a child somebody telling my mother that all the other mothers were scared of her and she was mortified. I think I'm the same as my mother, I somehow give off hostile vibes when I really don't mean to.

I honestly try my best and after a while people usually realise that I do like them. I don't deal with social situations that well but I see this as a personal failing, not a point of pride.

Vulpine, you seem to be quite defensive and a tad aggressive in your replies

Agree with everything Snog said.

I am also quiet and often shy around new people but I like getting to know people and will always try and make effort. Conversely, I find people who give one or two word answers and don't reciprocate conversation very hard work whereas a reasonably chatty person puts me more at ease.

There's a different between people who try and make effort to talk (even if it makes them feel awkward and isn't comfortable for them) and people that don't make any effort. I dont think that's a quiet person vs loud person thing.

Some people are just rude and don't make effort and if you are like that don't be surprised if people don't bother with you. I wouldn't hate anyone for being like that though, I'd just think that person is rude and I will avoid interacting with them.

first ever post, been lurking on the boards for a while but this thread made me sign up. Took me years to realise that quietness was so disliked. I thought I was disliked because of being odd and giving off a victim vibe so quietness as been a form of self-defence. Seems I made things worse. I am quiet until I feel safe with people. I make a real effort to chat with people but often it comes over as odd (bit like the poster who mentioned the vase conversation) I pick something of interest in the room/ news and people react oddly but conversations about celebrity love island dominate the room. I find it very hard work as I have had so many negative reactions from people that I am worried I will encounter the same. Funnily, I feel more chatty, less awkward people are judging me and they are stand-offish because I am quiet. On the flip-side, as I am used to being on my own, if I want to do something, I do it, I don't need a group of friends to come with me (I would love it though.)

I am quiet/shy and I know some people dislike me because they think I'm aloof

OP, yes! I have experience of this. I am an only child (not sure if that is relevant or not, to be honest) and was intensely shy and quiet growing up. I still am. I had a friend in primary school who was the opposite of me, and it was obvious her mother never really liked me or trusted me because I was so quiet. Also, in high school a girl who hung around the same group of friends I did admitted she didn't like me because I was so quiet. That hurt. That made me more quiet. It wasn't nice at all. People would come to me to confide in me because I was very loyal and never break anyone's confidence. Yet they were happy to mock me behind my back. I felt like I was treated like shit by several people in my life thus far just because I am shy and quiet. It is so unfair.

I went to a dinner party expecting it to be just another couple I know and DH. They had invited another couple whom we didn’t know and who had been close friends for years. They had lots of “in jokes” and I ended up spending most of the time in silence! I felt really awkward. The couple were perfectly nice people but...

My mum’s family are very chatty and very close. Big family meal with them (they live in another country and I barely see them) I literally said nothing. Nobody seemed to notice.

In the mess at work I don’t go into the dining hall. It’s all long tables and you have to sit with others and talk to them! I take a packed lunch and sit in the library or sitting room instead. I don’t want to spend my lunch time talking to people I don’t know!

I'm fine once people start talking to me or in situations where you're meant to be talking but I can't do that initial go up to someone and start a conversation out of nothing.

Velvet pineapple : exactly the sort of thing I would say!
And same sort of reaction / feedback.

Yep. Had a lifetime of being misconstrued as arrogant, rude and snooty because I don’t talk very much unless I am comfortable (or drunk).

Lunafortjest: ditto. For no good reason I have women telling me secrets like their mother had an affair or they were abused or had an abortion .... Yet they don't invite me to their social functions or shit on me if the 'need' arises.

I'm quiet, and introverted. I do my best to not appear this way in social situations as I know people judge me although once I get to know people and feel comfortable with them I'm open and chatty.

My sister in law told my husband that I'm aloof, and her son once commented to him when he was visiting them without me that I wasn't there because I don't like people, something that he'd obviously overheard and repeated. As I've already said, once I feel comfortable with people I'm fine so this obviously says as much about my sister in law as it says about me, seeing as I've known her for many years, and her comments have made me shrink back even more when I'm around her.

To all the quiet people here who prefer to sit in silence, what do you do at work dinners/weddings etc where you are seated next to someone who you don't know? Would you prefer to sit in silence and the other person not even try?

I don't mind quiet / loud people either way. But in a forced social situation, my heart sinks when I am stuck next to a non-talker for three or four hours. What's the preferred response? To keep asking questions despite getting closed yes/no answers. To chat about the table/hosts/holidays and look like you're a self-centred idiot? To give up and turn to other people to have a chat and then be rude because you're ignoring someone? Or to both sit there in total silence in the midst of everyone else having fun? I seriously don't know, but yes, people do have heart-sink moments when they are seated next to the non-talkers.

My inlaws always disliked that my DH was so quiet. Since we have been together tgey've found out that he actually talks a lot but that he disagrees with them on bloody everything and that's why he kept his mouth shut .

VelvetPineapple - that’s the sort of thing that would happen to me! Trying to make small talk then being told I am weird and awkward! I don’t really bother any more.

As a child I used to have a moderate stammer so I often didn’t want to talk. As an adult maybe that feeling is still with me.

I think there is clearly a middle ground, I love my own company and am very happy spending time alone at home, a weekend with no commitments and my family away is my idea of bliss.

But at the same time when I am out and about I love meeting new people, I can make small talk all day if I need to, I have recently started a lot of walking and it is amazing how many people you meet and it always seems to be the older folk who are happy to chat with younger people glued to their phones or ear phones and avoinding any social interaction. I’ve said this before on Mumsnet but I used to walk the same route as another mum to the same school every day for years and she never returned a simple ‘good morning’ .

I do find people who say they are ‘quiet’ can come across as aloof and uninterested, even if they don’t mean to be. If quiet people say they open up more when people get to know them, but how do you get to know someone if they are very quiet ?

@VelvetPineapple
I think I quite often say the wrong thing because there are awkward silences. I was waiting for the lift with an interviewer and I spied an interesting vase on a shelf, so to fill the awkward silence I politely said “that’s nice, I collect ceramics and that looks like X designer. If it’s a genuine one they’re actually really rare”. The guy smiled awkwardly and picked it up, said it’s not labelled with any name, then we got in the lift. The feedback afterwards was that I seemed weird and made the guy feel awkward. But I had thought that was a polite small talk comment. So I guess I just don’t know how to do it properly

He sounds a bit nervous too. But honestly, it's keeping it really simple and friendly - no one can possibly object to something like "have you worked here long yourself? Do you enjoy working here?" It's just filler, like at a dinner or a do asking someone if they've travelled far, how they know the host, how has their week been so far etc. I think as I got older I realised that simple easy friendly questions are all it takes to start off a conversation. It is difficult when you're younger, but I guess it's practice that makes it easier.