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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

393 replies

jdty · 18/03/2019 22:16

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 19/03/2019 07:41

So bobbin you're not quiet then? Slightly confused. It's a bit childish to say I have a 'cob on' because I commented on your post Hmm

Sonicknuckles · 19/03/2019 07:49

I'm quiet too and hate small talk

Original poster
jdty · 19/03/2019 07:50

Osirus my in laws have huge issues with me being quiet to the point its affected my relationship with some of them. It was really really hurtful at the time and was a real shame.

I find that when people dislike me for being quiet really hurtful. Its like they are disliking you for something that is fundamentally part of your personality. Its part of who you are. I wouldn't dream of disliking someone because they were very chatty. If they were rude etc then sure. But that's not anything to do with them being chatty.

I too always feel peoples heart sink if they end up next to me at a restaurant etc. They don't make it subtle either. Some posters on this thread have confirmed it too.

OP posts:
Mydressinggownismybestfriend · 19/03/2019 07:53

Some of the posters have been very rude. They seem to misunderstand the fact that a lot of us simply cannot force ourselves to be who we aren’t, to magic up conversation when it just isn’t there.

Snog · 19/03/2019 07:53

It's hard to form a connection if people don't engage in a two way conversation.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 07:53

You can change that. Start chatting to people.

formerbabe · 19/03/2019 07:55

I'm not quiet or shy once you get to know me, but I am shy initially with new people. I would never start a conversation with someone I didn't know. I also hate small talk... would quite happily discuss your life story with you, but can't be arsed with the weather!

As a consequence, the school gate mums think I'm a snooty cow and definitely dislike me. I'm actually quite nice and friendly!

missmouse101 · 19/03/2019 08:00

I do think it comes across as being antisocial and as if you are silently judging people. It's like you don't give a shit. I have to step out of my own comfort zone to make conversation on those occasions where it's courteous to do so. It's not so big a deal and it's nice to ask about other people.

cantbearsed1 · 19/03/2019 08:08

My OH is quiet, that is fine.
But if you attend a group e.g. out for a meal, not to talk to the person next to you is rude. My heart would sink if I was seated next to you too. And that includes giving one or two-word answers to questions. Don't go if you don't actually want to talk to anyone.

Hardly anyone truly enjoys small talk. It is the start of getting to know people though.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 08:10

Missmouse is right. It's about stepping out of your comfort zone.

cantbearsed1 · 19/03/2019 08:16

And nobody likes to do al;l the work in a conversation.
Totally different if say you are at a bus stop and don't want to talk to the person trying to talk to you. But if seated at dinner and you do not really engage in conversation with the person seated next to you, then that is rude. You are not being perceived as rude, you are being rude.

woollyheart · 19/03/2019 08:19

I am fairly quiet, but don't really have a problem with small talk now. I still find the hairdresser too stressful and never go.

In most other situations, I am happy to make small talk now. When I was younger, I feel it would have been helpful to practice this in 'safe' environments. Something like a role play situation. Do others think this would have helped them?

I think my parents probably didn't offer great examples of how most people do it. One was even quieter than me, and the other a bit wacky in the way they approached people.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/03/2019 08:20

I think most people would have some sympathy with a quiet or shy person if it seemed like they were trying. If they aren't even going to try then why not just stay home?

Originofstars · 19/03/2019 08:21

It's people who are too loud I tend to dislike! I'm often talkative but have a good sprinkling of introvert traits and usually get on very well with quiet people

Tensixtysix · 19/03/2019 08:24

To be honest, the older I get, the less I'm bothered about what others think of me.
I've always been quiet and I'm now over 50. I work for myself and don't have to talk to others and it suits me fine.
I spent over 20 years in different offices and the banality of 'small talk' was soul destroying.
I preferred to chat to the clients.

cantbearsed1 · 19/03/2019 08:25

I am not loud. But I really don't like the sneering at loud people from some of the people on this thread.

Tensixtysix · 19/03/2019 08:29

But put me in front of a keyboard, I won't shut up! Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 19/03/2019 08:31

I think sometimes quiet people may not realise that a loud chatty person can also be feeling shy and nervous and babbling away is how it comes out for them.

Obviously sitting there silently with a smug "I'm so deep I don't even need to talk" expression is just going to make a babbly person more nervous and result in more babbling Grin

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/03/2019 08:32

When I was early teens, a relative's partner told me that side of the family (who were all early 20s ish) would probably like me a bit more if I spoke more and that I was too quiet. There are lots of them, and they are all very chatty. I felt awful about it for years but now I realise that there were a lot of them and they were much older than me, if they look down on a teenager who isn't great at making small talk with lots of people she doesn't know very well...then they are twats.

I do try and chat but am often worried about saying the wrong thing so end up being quite dull. I'm just rubbish at small talk. It's not because I want to be left alone or don't like people, I'm just awkward. But when I get to know people well then we're usually friends for a long time so I can't be all bad

SpiritedLondon · 19/03/2019 08:33

Did it occur to you that it may be you being rude by dragging someone into a pointless conversation they're not interested in?

I think if you’re going to work in an open plan office with 200 people you should expect to be engaged in some conversation at some point with your colleagues. If you can’t manage even a simple exchange of pleasantries then maybe a job working from home / solo would be better. And why go to a social event if you can’t manage a conversation with your own family? Are people supposed to use telepathic powers and know that you’re just quiet as opposed to just rude / disinterested. You don’t have to put on a razzle dazzle Song and dance routine but making a little bit of effort goes a long way to the overall mood of the event.

VelvetPineapple · 19/03/2019 08:36

I’m naturally quiet but do my best to be friendly and make small talk and eye contact and smile. It doesn’t work - people still feel uncomfortable around me. I think because I have to make a conscious effort it feels unnatural to the other person. Sometimes I say the wrong thing then realise immediately by the other person’s reaction that it was wrong and a normal person wouldn’t say that. Nobody ever wants to be my friend and I’m not sure why. I’m doing exactly what you’re supposed to do but there’s obviously some X factor that I don’t have.

SpiritedLondon · 19/03/2019 08:43

And are we supposed to believe that people can’t think of a single thing to say in a social setting? Come on!!!! How about.... what have you been up to Grandad? How’s your gout Aunty Flo? What are you reading at the moment Ted? What did you think of “ insert TV programme / event” ? I love your dress where’s that from? Etc etc.

thecatsthecats · 19/03/2019 08:44

I'm another who doesn't dislike quiet people, but can't 'hack' them.

Put me with a chatty person and we will talk like nobody's business.

Put me in a chatty group and I will fall on the quieter side, but occasionally crack a joke to the whole group, listen, and chat in smaller groups.

Put me with a quiet person I don't know, and you'd think I was as quiet as them. I just don't have the skills to make the conversation go!

thecatsthecats · 19/03/2019 08:45

Spirited

From my point of view, I seem to try those things with quiet people, and it all falls flat, with short responses, and no 'bounce back'.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 19/03/2019 08:47

Not quite the same but in a similar vein, I know some of my colleagues get super pissed off about how little I share about my life and how private I am. Personally, I couldn't give a shit. I like my colleagues but keeping my own life private is important.

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