To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

I think a lot of shy people overestimate how smooth any conversation should be. Lots of interactions in life are a little awkward but it’s about being comfortable in that awkwardness and learning that the other person feels the same.
For example, most people feel a little awkward in lifts - especially if with someone they know. So one person breaks the ice a little and just says something innocuous like - I’m ready for coffee this morning. - or something equally neutral and then you get off the lift. I think quiet people think they have to come up with the perfect chat but it is just about connecting with another person in an awkward situation. Same applies to small talk at parties etc.

Life is much more fun if you get over shyness - I used to hate small talk. Love it now. Love networking. Find it really fun getting to the nun of what you have in common with someone. There is almost always a connection - for either work or socially - and the fun is in getting to that point.
Most people are awkward in certain situations but it’s just about getting out your comfort zone and it gets easier with practice.

Polarbear - indeed no - but a great many say they experience anxiety because of it

Getting to the nub not nun! Although that would be fun too!

I think a lot of shy people overestimate how smooth any conversation should be. Lots of interactions in life are a little awkward

That's true...I constantly analyse every social interaction I have and relive it in my head wondering if I said the right thing and thinking other people would have done it better than me.

I had that problem at school, I think I was often seen as standoffish, stuck up and someone who thought I was too good to hang out with the others, unfortunately that was far from the truth, I was painfully shy and their attempts to take me down a peg made it worse, making me more withdrawn so that I stood out more and resulting in a vicious cycle of bullying. As an adult I'm quite selective about my circle and would not have any time for someone who judged me for being introverted, they should be more mature and understand that people have different personalities. In your position I would carry on holding your head up high and being polite and civil to this cousin but not invest emotionally in the relationship, thankfully you don't have to put up with seeing her much. I would also question the person who told you that she doesn't like you, what do they expect to achieve? I could understand them wanting you to know if you had to see her on a regular basis or if it was an issue that could be resolved but as it is they have just made family gatherings awkward for no reason. Her attitude towards you is her problem not yours. You have not done anything wrong.

I was that painfully shy child. A trait helped enormously by adults constantly remarking on my shyness through school etc.. 🙄 I was shy partially through insecurity a d a traumatic upbringing. Then being told constantly how quiet and shy I was just exacerbated the issue and made me further shy and withdrawn. I hope adults behave better nowadays and think before commenting on a a child's demeanor.

Now middle aged I am far happier in myself, knowing I CAN be alone as much as I like (so cruel that children aren't afforded the same basic right).

The joy of being a quieter adult is that you can escape it. I try hard to make small talk with other adults and when I meet a brick wall. Sod it, I'll just not bother again and go on my merry way.. Sometimes you get lucky and that first bit of small talk, I ALWAYS now try to make leads to lovely friendships. I cope well as an adult but the modern world (school generally) is a cruel place for the quiet child and takes years to recover from it, to find out who you truly are are and be at peace with it.

I find this thread fascinating, I really do. I guess for me the person who doesn't try in social situations - dinners/weddings/lifts - and put all the onus on the other person seem rude. Because it's not as though the world is divided into quiet + deep/loud + shallow. You can be a quiet shy person making an effort to connect, and the rebuttal of a one word answer is pretty bad.

I'm pretty good at small talk as I've got older, and it's the realisation that a general comment/question and a smile starts the ball rolling - "how was your journey here, god the traffic was bad today wasn't it?"; the weather; the weekend; how's your day going so far? etc etc. It's smiling and connecting that counts more than the topic if you see what I mean.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet/shy or whatever. It’s not a personality disorder and it doesn’t need “working on.”

Absolutely 110% right!

Some of the posts on this thread are beyond ridiculous.

^^this. The most baffling thing is that loud=confident er no. I have a naturally loud laugh (and am seen as loud/ confident) it doesn't make me an extrovert or mean I don't like quiet time to myself. I also find that once I get to know them I get on with quiet people in much the same ratio as loud people. Ultimately you get on with those who have similar values/ sense of humour/ interests. Sometimes loud people have a tendency just to bore everyone talking about themselves constantly which I find annoying tbh.

People can be quiet or loud - most are in between.

They can be confident or anxious- or again somewhere in between.

They can crave social interaction or be quite self sufficient

You can be any combinations of these.

Some combinations are more difficult - craving social interaction, being anxious and quiet is quite a difficult combination and you might need help in starting conversations.

The quiet person you see might be like this. Or they might be quiet, confident and quite happy with silence.

If I get into a lift with someone, and they appeared anxious or unsure, I would naturally talk to them and put them at their ease.

If they seemed quite happy, I would assume they didn't need to chat.

I guess for me the person who doesn't try in social situations - dinners/weddings/lifts - and put all the onus on the other person seem rude.

If I could just explain, we’re not putting the onus on the other person, we’re just naturally quiet. We don’t really want to make small talk, so we’re not expecting someone else to.

I don’t mind quiet proline. It’s when it crosses the line to ignorance I don’t like.

It doesn’t take much to say “hi”

Hazelnutpie
I totally agree with you. I hate and don't do small talk, I often don't need or want to start a conversation I am happy with silence. I don't put the onus on the other person to start the conversation, I'm sure like me if they really wanted to start one then they would. I think some people just aren't as comfortable with a simple hello please and thank you or even silence as I am.

DH used to be in a job where we were expected to socialise with a group of colleagues and their families.(Ex pat community) I have social anxiety stemming from being bullied as a child so this kind of thing was terrifying. I have had treatment since but at that point I was convinced no one wanted to hear what I had to say and everyone disliked me. I feel sorry for anyone that was stuck talking to me at that point as I must have been really hard work.

I don't think it's rude, it's just hard work.

I appreciate for some, those awkward pauses are the norm and not uncomfortable but they certainly are for me. With some ultra quiet people I find myself casting around in my mind for the next thing to say or ask. It's much more fun when the conversation flows naturally.

Small talk is definitely a learned skill though. Years ago when I was constantly meeting and interacting with new people, I had a good stock of conversation keeping goers, but now I'm not often in that situation and its more difficult to keep the conversation going. I can still do it but I have to work at it.

I think there is a big difference between people who are quieter by nature, and those with poor social skills. Poor social skills do hamper people. I think it is a skill that there is often not enough emphasis on.

Totally agree can’t. I know several quiet thoughtful people with excellent social skills who keep the conversation going but are low key themselves. It’s not about quietness introversion or extroverts that’s an issue as you say it’s lack of social skills. I feel strongly that it’s important for parents to teach this particularly if it doesn’t come naturally to your child. Some of dds friends (my friends kids) have obviously been taught this and have lovely manners and start conversations with adults. They also mirror their parents who have good social skills themselves. Will get you far in life