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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

393 replies

jdty · 18/03/2019 22:16

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsworth · 18/03/2019 23:48

Please don't try and change who you are. There's hopefully only a select few who view your quietness disconcerting but I hope I speak for the majority when I sat that the world needs people like you/us. Otherwise it would be a very busy, noisy place! I'm in the middle, I'll tolerate small talk i.e. how was your weekend, yeah good thanks, and yours? sort of thing and I really pull it out of the bag when I'm training but it takes it out of me. So probably edging on more extrovert.

People's inability to cope with that is more to do with them rather than you. Don't change x

squeekums · 18/03/2019 23:51

What I do mind about is if people are so quiet that talking to them is hard work at a party or event. You know the kind of person who if you ask them something gives single word answers and asks nothing about you. I feel they are takers who want you simply to entertain them while they make no effort at all.

See, I give short answers cos I want to be left alone. If I'm at a party or some event, its generally not by choice, family event or whatever
I don't want entertaining, I can do that on my own. My entertaining is sitting back, listening to music, browsing on my phone or just staring into space.

HellAndDegenerates · 18/03/2019 23:51

Fatasfook

People just dislike me.

I feel that way about myself.
Seems every word I say is taken the wrong way. Conversations end after I speak. I've always been labelled the 'weird' one.
I also think I give off an air of 'fuck the fuck off', I don't get pestered in shops or asked about energy by high street sellers etc.. so it's not all bad.
Luckily I prefer my own company and happily go days with out speaking to another adult.

tildaMa · 19/03/2019 00:06

@SpiritedLondon
I work with someone very quiet and although she’s a nice lady she’s actually difficult to talk to because she 1) gives quite short answers to questions 2) doesn’t ask any questions in return. So I struggle through 5 minutes of polite chit chat about nothing before I lose the will to live. Q How was your weekend A Good thanks. Etc etc. Mind you I have a relative who doesn’t stop talking and she also doesn’t ask questions so I have to endure a 20 minute monologue from her about her life. Both are equally rude in their own way I think.

Did it occur to you that it may be you being rude by dragging someone into a pointless conversation they're not interested in?

@clairemcnam
I don't mind if people are quiet.

Well, you actually do, as seen below.

What I do mind about is if people are so quiet that talking to them is hard work at a party or event. You know the kind of person who if you ask them something gives single word answers and asks nothing about you. I feel they are takers who want you simply to entertain them while they make no effort at all.

And I do mind if people come and ask stupid pointless questions at me because what they actually want is me to ask them questions about them so they can talk, talk, talk. I feel they are takers who want you simply to entertain them while they blab endlessly about themselves.

OhLookMarch · 19/03/2019 06:11

@tildama I love you! ❤️

Sanguineclamp · 19/03/2019 06:24

I feel they are takers who simply want you to entertain them while they blab endlessly about themselves

Why would you assume that about someone who is is asking you a basic question about yourself, probably to initiate or keep polite conversation going? I'm sure many people don't want to be in social situations sometimes, but it's polite to interact with others for the sake of the host and to "earn your dinner" as it were. What is the alternative, everyone standing around in silence? I think it's rude not to make a modicum of effort.

lurker99999 · 19/03/2019 06:30

Yes! All my life I've had this. I find I don't really get invited out to group things in work until someone talks about it infront of me and then ask out of politeness but I'm never top of the list.I'm in a management role and I am perfectly confident and assertive, however I am the type of person that doesn't talk for the sake of talking. My line manager often says to me that I am 'too quiet' at management meetings but I often point out that I make valid contributions but I just don't feel the need to fight for the spotlight and discuss my weekend plans or update everyone on the latest office gossip as the majority of the meeting do. Empty barrels make the most noise.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/03/2019 06:38

I don't think it's necessarily an introvert/extravert thing, I'd definitely consider myself an introvert who needs alone time to recharge but when with people I will always make to effort to have some sort of conversation.

Maybe it's because I am a bit socially awkward myself sometimes that I would really hate to be sat next to "quiet person" who doesn't make the effort and just gives me one word answers.

Karwomannghia · 19/03/2019 06:40

Not quite the same but I struggle when people speak very quietly. It’s exhausting trying to cling onto every word.
We had a friend round for dinner with his new gf and another couple. The friend talks a lot but the gf didn’t speak at all, like nothing, just smiles and giggles. She wasn’t rude and I thought we could have stuff in common because I knew her job etc but I would never have got to know her because her silence was quite a barrier.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/03/2019 06:44

I think also that there is an assumption that

LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/03/2019 06:44

Dammit, pressed send too soon!

LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/03/2019 06:48

...an assumption that extroverted people aren't making an effort either, that their behaviour is 'natural' and effortless, whereas actually I try really hard to be chatty and show an interest in people and keep conversation moving. It's not instinctive for me but I persevere to try and put people at ease.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 06:48

Lurker99 - 'empty barrels make the most noise' - so are you full of deep and meaningful stuff that you're just not sharing with the world because 'you don't speak just for the sake of speaking'? Give me a chatty person any day.

Rockmysocks · 19/03/2019 06:48

I find making small talk painful. Beyond saying Hello and some comment about the weather in passing, I really don't know what else to say. I'm better if it isn't one to one and can sit on the sidelines a bit and chime in occasionally.

Have never found it easy to break the ice with people. Am shy but hide it with fake confidence and gabble that doesn't win anybody over either.

NinnieNouse · 19/03/2019 06:48

@Mary I think you seem quite rude. Hairdressers are told to speak to customers as I’m sure you know, and probably don’t want to pry into your personal life or talk about deep, philosophical subjects so small talk about holidays or the weather is more suitable.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 19/03/2019 06:48

lurker99999 me too. Someone did this at work the other day and one of my other colleagues didn't quite hide his distaste. I have come to the realisation that it's my ASD, because I am polite, chatty, and helpful as a person. Also I've been told that men find me intimidating. Poor ickle menz. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have have been with me since uni. I must just say weird things, or give off some peculiar vibes. I don't smell bad so I've no idea. Mostly I don't care but sometimes it's a bit hurtful.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 06:51

I used to be shy and quiet in my younger years but then I got over myself.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/03/2019 06:54

With hairdressers all I say is " I hope you don't mind, I'm just going to catch up with my emails/novel etc" and then just read something, if I don't feel like chatting.

Not talking is self perpetuating- the first couple of times I went to my hairdresser was horrific trying to find topics to talk about. Now I know her I can pick up from the things we spoke about last time " How was your sisters wedding/ holiday? etc"

If I never said anything, every visit would be as painful as the first one!

Fairyliz · 19/03/2019 07:01

But how do you get to know people if they won’t speak?
I am part of a group that contains a quiet woman and tbh my heart sinks if I have to sit next to her. She doesn’t talk about what she has done, where she has been, family or hobbies etc. So no chance of me finding out about her.

I do wonder why she comes to our meetings, but then I feel I have to invite her or I would be the mean one excluding her.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 07:01

'Poor ickle menz' - really? So you're saying all men find you intimidating because you're quiet Hmm

BobbinThreadbare123 · 19/03/2019 07:06

I never said I was quiet. If you wake up with a proper cob on, by all means come onto a discussion forum and do rolly eyes, fox.

TapasForTwo · 19/03/2019 07:07

I don't think it is fair to lump all quiet people together. I have a couple of quiet friends who are the kindest most compassionate people you can meet. They are also very good listeners.

Most quiet people are worth getting to know. However, there are some who don't "do" small talk, not because they are shy and awkward, but because they give the impression they are above it. OH can be like this and can be very aloof with people he doesn't know. He isn't shy he just thinks he is above some people.

The people who slide into their chairs at work without bothering to say good morning to anyone are perceived as rude is another example.

"Did it occur to you that it may be you being rude by dragging someone into a pointless conversation they're not interested in?"

tildaMa it is often these people who then complain that everyone ignores them. There is a fine line between not wanting to chat inanely about non subjects and not being responsive at all. Looking bored and being on your phone all the time in company is very rude.

For the record I am neither loud nor quiet. In the company of loud people I would be regarded as the quiet one.

IdaIdes · 19/03/2019 07:08

It can be very hard to differentiate between quiet and rude. It certainly can look the same. Our NCT group finally gave up on the quiet 1. I have no idea if she would have liked to have been included or not because you couldn't get any conversation out of her and as the years passed we all have up as it was too tiring. I felt bad she stopped being invited but 9 years on no one knew anything about her and it was like s having someone lurk at a social gathering.

ButterflyOfFreedom · 19/03/2019 07:09

.

TapasForTwo · 19/03/2019 07:10

Why the . *Butterfly?
You can watch this thread instead.

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