To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

Most people don’t take to me because I’m quiet (more shy, a bit awkward & shit at small talk) although if they could be bothered to get to know me I’m anything but quiet

I'm exactly the same! I'm actually quite nice, chatty and fun once you get to know me...I just hate initiating chat....I think I'm scared of rejection.

If someone is very quiet when I first meet them I would assume they are shy and will open up a bit over time. If however, I’ve known someone for over ten years and a basic conversation is like getting blood from a stone, (looking at you SIL) then I really can’t be arsed making an effort any more.

I empathise. I have great social ambitions but I’m rubbish at small talk and always have been, so it’s always safer for me to hide away at a party or stick with the people I feel safe with. I’ve also wondered whether I have undiagnosed autism of some kind, that would explain a lot for me too

I think it depends on how long it lasts. I’m quite shy when I first meet people, but within a little bit of talking to them I open up a lot. However, my FIL never ever talks to me, I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation. It’s infuriating!

Yes, like other posters I know people dislike me because I'm quiet. They assume I'm boring and I suppose it is hard work to get me to open up, but once I do I'm ok. Not the chattiest chatter but fine.
I don't really understand small talk and I'm not very good at it, but I do try! Once people get to know me they generally like me, but many write me off before this stage as I come across as aloof I guess. It's just the way I am, I'm halfway to accepting it

Wow, so many of us! Maybe we should get badges that say something like "not a cunt, just a bit shy initially!" so people know!

I used to be shy. English not being my native language also didn't help. All these "socials" which I hated were painful. Then I started basically blurting out stuff, like "You know, I am very shy", "I was very nervous about this event", "It took me 20 min to come up with something funny to say but you moved on in the conversation by then" etc. - and it made some difference. I felt people warmed up to me. Then the next step for me was to learn to do the same - say how I feel - in response to some arsey/unpleasant comment or behaviour.
What I'm saying is - it might get easier. You might learn a few tricks to make yourself and others around you comfortable, or just avoid these "socials". I still do, but not out of fear, but because I still find it boring if it doesn't get past small talk. That's why I have friends, not acquaintances.

There's a difference between quiet and rude. I consider it rude if the other person doesn't reciprocate the conversation or doesn't at the very least look interested. Ie- I ask how they are/what they are up to and they don't ask back. It's draining to me.

I met DH at uni, and still have a good many friends from there. A few from church, a few from choir, a few from my NCT group - situations where you're all there for a purpose other than just to be social are much easier.

I'd definitely consider online dating if I were single now, but it wasn't a thing back then!

The mums from DD's year go out for a drink once or twice a term, and I did try going a few times, but every time I seemed to end up with no one to talk to as the people on either side of me turned their backs and talked to the people on their other sides. And I don't know what to do in that situation - move I suppose, but how do you become part of any of the conversations that are already going on?

To be absolutely honest though, it is rude and standoffish to leave people floundering in a conversation, isn't it, and not ask them anything? And to prefer your own company is the definition of stand offish really? I understand shy, I can be socially awkward , but I am friendly. I ask people about their kids, where they have come from or how they know our hosts. It's not fascinating conversation, but you're looking for something to spark a more meaningful conversation I guess and it's hard work if you just get yes/no replies. My cousin's ex wife was like this. I struggled for years to have an actual conversation with her- she never reciprocated invitations- you felt like she just had no interest in anything to do with us. Which is fine, it's not compulsory, but I don't think you can then complain if people don't realise warm to you. She probably found me annoying too though - no hard feelings.

aliphil. That does sound rude of them but equally I wonder if they had started off making an effort that you didn't respond to? If they made no attempt to involve you that's rude of them, but if they repeatedly did and you still didn't reply then people end up in a choice between a painful evening or being rude.

There’s a fantastic book called Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. Well worth a read

You don't know what it's like being a quiet person. It's my worst nightmare sitting next to someone at dinner with the expectation I talk to them. I'm not being rude, it's just something that's totally unnatural for me. I feel awkward and uncomfortable having to make conversation. I'm past doing something just to make you feel better.

Honestly that is just rude. I try to be polite so I will not ignore you. I will assume if I don't know you that you are simply shy so will try and talk to you. If you are at a dinner (although why the hell would you go) and really do not want to talk to anyone, then play on your phone. Then I know I can happily ignore you.
And I actually hate the assumptions that because we try and talk to you, that we are at ease with talking to people. I had poor social skills and have worked hard to make them better. I still get anxious about talking to people, and someone obviously ignoring me would make me worried that I have said something wrong. But you have clearly said you don't give a toss about anyone else. That is incredibly rude and mean.

Contrary to many posts, i think that the cousin is a rude person. AND i think whomever passed on the information is causing trouble.

What good came from this knowledge? They both sound like a couple of ill mannered twits.

Some people are introverted and some extroverted. Of course the louds are going to consider themselves better, while quieter people slink into a corner.

I can talk the leg off a chair OR be the most quiet person in the room. My dd is selectively mute at times. Clamming up is selfdefense.

I don't mind quiet people bc i think that they are not offensive. Loud people on the other hand....

I think, OP, this commenter who passed on the slam was trying to hurt your feelings and the other one, as you say that you're polite, is a dope.

Afterall, we don't exist to fulfill another person's criteria for talking. It's like saying they don't like you for being tall or brunette. Is it your job to entertain the cousin? Have they made any effort to hold a conversation with you? I bet not.

Frankly, the only people who ever complained about my quietness were people that i did not admire sufficiently; according to them.

AND I've tried having conversations with extroverts who rudely ignored me in a power play.

It's not being a quiet person that's rude, it is using silence as a social weapon that is passive aggressive.

catsinthecupboard No I don't think loud people are better. My DP is quiet and I love him very much.
But I think those on the thread who think they are superior because they refuse to engage in small talk, are wrong.

I just remembered. My dh told me when we'd been together about a year, that he liked me bc i was "peaceful."

He said that i have a "contained quietness "

I thought it was a lovely and sincere compliment.

When i went home, i realized that my quietness was common in my area where i grew up. It was how i was raised in my community.

I have always been very quiet and shy and have shunned away from potential difficult situations with people. My late mother always saw my quietness as a negative and very obviously favoured my very loud, "everybody look at me" sister. I, on the other hand, could never stand my sister and was constantly embarrassed by her "over the top performances", when she was forever seeking attention. You are right that people can mistake your quietness for disinterest or rudeness, but I would much rather be quiet, than loud and in your face like my sister.
When I do form relationships with people, they seem to like me and I do think a few good friends are far more important than many acquaintances. Just remember that by being quiet you get to notice more and I really think loud people realise that and don't like it because they are worried you have sussed them out.

Claremcnam,

Small talk is a social skill and is good manners. It is similar to eating with proper utensils.

But there is a difference btwn small talk and boisterousness.

I've also found many boisterous people fail a polite conversation.

On the many times I have put myself out of my comfort zone and tried to make friends it’s not been reciprocated.

So I’ve kind of given up on people and happy with my own company and the few close friends I already have!

🤷🏻‍♀️

PolarBearFlavour

I completely agree! It's only harder as we grow older.

If I try to be friendly (despite finding it really hard!) I don’t make any friends. Perhaps I seem too keen? Weird? Awkward?

If I’m quiet and don’t talk a lot I don’t make any friends...

I’ve given up!

I think that to dislike someone because they are quiet is a very poor reason to dislike them.

I think, possibly the reason that people might feel uncomfortable with someone who doesn't engage in conversation with them is that they feel that the quiet person doesn't like them.

BecauseWeCanCanCan

Just leave me alone to be quiet.

Please don't take this to heart. You are obviously an introvert and there's nothing wrong with this, the world is made up of all sorts of people. The problem is that sometimes people who are extroverts just don't "get" introverts. They see your quietness at their loudness as some sort of criticism, when the fact is you are probably a bit overwhelmed by them.
You don't say how you heard about this - if it was from your DH then I hope he is supporting you here. He, presumably, loves you for who and what you are. If you were different then he wouldn't! If it was from anyone else then stop worrying about it, they're not worth your energy.
And don't feel sad! Or sorry for yourself. This is who you are - you're not going to be able to please all of the people all of the time so stop beating yourself up over it.

I completely agree! It's only harder as we grow older

I completely disagree. I'm much more comfortable with myself now I'm older.