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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

393 replies

jdty · 18/03/2019 22:16

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

OP posts:
MaryBoBary · 20/03/2019 10:35

@Hollycatberry I agree with you that you can’t have it both ways.

Vulpine · 20/03/2019 10:44

I also find that quiet people are less expressive facially and physically. In the same way I prefer if people take off their sun glasses for example, I like to be able to read people's faces. I think I may be drawn to expressive people. They seem full of life.

FraggleRocking · 20/03/2019 10:44

I’m quiet, and am happy to make chit chat with people at work at a push. You know the polite ‘Did you have a nice weekend?’, or ‘Are you doing anything this evening?’. On the other end of the scale, one of my colleagues, is constantly finding out the most personal things about people (how much their house is worth, what is in their parents Will, their sexual orientation, their previous divorce details as some examples) and when I’ve asked her how she knows this information, apparently, she just asks outright. I would find it bizarre if someone outright was asking me such probing questions. Is this the sort of normal conversation that is expected to get to know someone?

As PP mentioned, this information is probably shared with me because I’m quiet and won’t gossip!

Vulpine · 20/03/2019 10:50

Fraggle- surely they are sharing it with everyone?

FraggleRocking · 20/03/2019 10:52

Possibly and maybe I’m being naive, but I’m always told to keep it to myself. None of it seems to be common knowledge in the office.

lurker99999 · 20/03/2019 10:58

@Polarbearflavour would you mind sharing the book title please? Smile

VanGoghsDog · 20/03/2019 12:02

I'm not sure why people are reading 'monosyllabic' where people say they are quiet, it's hardly the same thing.

I am quiet but I know how to hold a conversation and am not rude, I don't give monosyllabic answers or just answer questions in a conversation with no follow up.

At my walking group there is a guy who has zeroed in on me and who I find unpleasant, so he gets monosyllabic answers.

This week it went:

Him: Hi, how are you?
Me: (try to look surprised to see him even though I knew he was there and was trying to avoid him), Oh, hi , great, thanks, how are you?
Him: poor but happy (he says this every week)
Me: oh, right
Him: so how are you?
Me: yes, fine
Him: how's thing going?
Me: fine

I think the 'fuck off' from me was implied as he then did. He had just forced himself between me and someone I was chatting to as well.

peoplepleaser1 · 20/03/2019 12:23

I think I'm middle of the road. However when with in-laws I appear quiet as they are incredibly loud. They talk loudly, shout a lot and laugh so so loudly and in unison that it can be difficult to be around especially in public where I feel sure other people wish they would pipe down. I do wish they would step back and consider their impact on others. I do seem quiet when I'm with them.

Can I ask people who are especially quiet a question? What would you suggest someone does when sitting or standing with you at a social occasion? Make small talk, or not- the latter feels rude as it's like you're ignoring that person.

squeekums · 20/03/2019 12:47

Instead of being rude by only giving one word answers, just tell the person you are not up for chatting. That would be the polite and kind thing to do

Well that would work, if people listened, but they don't, like they can convert me to being up for a chat.
It's not rude to reply fine if I'm fine, why do I need to go into detail? If I'm feeling shit, do you think someone wants me to unload on them? No, but even if they did, I don't want to.

I hate the pressure of keeping up a conversation, being on, it's hard enough being out in a group situation, then add the whole "be interesting and likeable" thing. Its exhausting to me

cantbearsed1 · 20/03/2019 12:54

squeekums So maybe best just to avoid anyone you are not happy to talk to?
And it is good manners to ask more questions after you say you are fine. They are being well-mannered. If you don't want to talk to people, just avoid them altogether.

BloodyDisgrace · 20/03/2019 13:43

I'd correct it to say thick, prejudiced people might dislike you for being quiet. The kind of people who are quick to judge because they can't be arsed to get to know someone (I mean, how hard it is to ask a few questions and show some interest in a person?), so dismiss them for trivial reasons such as being too quiet, too thin or too fat, for being a foreigner, for having a certain hair colour, or accent, for taking care of your appearance or not etc. The only way forward is not to care what they think. You say you are polite and friendly, so you are already doing all that is needed. Surely, you have real friends who know you, care about you and they are the ones who matter.

cantbearsed1 · 20/03/2019 14:22

I mean, how hard it is to ask a few questions and show some interest in a person?
That is a two-way street.

Hazlenutpie · 20/03/2019 17:25

I don't care if someone does not want to talk to me. Unless it is at an enforced social situation such as sitting next to someone at dinner. I do think it is rude to attend something like that and refuse to talk

cantbearsed1

You don't know what it's like being a quiet person. It's my worst nightmare sitting next to someone at dinner with the expectation I talk to them. I'm not being rude, it's just something that's totally unnatural for me. I feel awkward and uncomfortable having to make conversation. I'm past doing something just to make you feel better.

LookAtThatCritter · 20/03/2019 17:31

I’m either ‘too loud’ which annoys people but then I’m ‘too quiet’ when I try and tone it down.

There’s no winning

SnuggyBuggy · 20/03/2019 17:39

But why go to a social event like a dinner if you aren't going to talk or interact with anyone? Why not stay home?

Hazlenutpie · 20/03/2019 17:41

But why go to a social event like a dinner if you aren't going to talk or interact with anyone? Why not stay home?

Sometimes real life dictates what you have to do.

Ricoetbello · 20/03/2019 17:50

I know I'm a little late but...
I have this problem, I'm quiet and most of the time dont have anything to talk about.
I have people in my family who think I hate them because I dont talk much (I just think they're a dickhead and theyre snobby).
Some think you dont talk cus youre proudy.

Vulpine · 20/03/2019 17:51

So now you're 'thick' if you don't get quiet people? As I predicted this always descends into - quiet people are deep and wise and chatty people are shallow noisy twats

SnuggyBuggy · 20/03/2019 18:00

But for something like a wedding why go?

Weepingwillow5 · 20/03/2019 18:02

Nothing wrong with being quiet . If someone dislikes you for being quiet it says more about them than you .

BecauseWeCanCanCan · 20/03/2019 18:04

@Hazlenutpie
You don't know what it's like being a quiet person. It's my worst nightmare sitting next to someone at dinner with the expectation I talk to them. I'm not being rude, it's just something that's totally unnatural for me. I feel awkward and uncomfortable having to make conversation. I'm past doing something just to make you feel better.

I know I keep asking this, but I still don't get what quiet people want in this situation where you are sat next to someone at dinner / drinks on a work night out / wedding etc. Do you want me to:

  • keep asking you questions, getting yes/no answers but persevere for hours
  • chat about myself and look like a selfish twat because I'm talking about myself
  • ignore you and turn to someone on the other side so you're sitting there alone - very rude behaviour
  • both of us sit in silence and one of us (me) crying on the inside with boredom and embarrassment

I genuinely don't know. But small talk is the gateway to other talk. And the ability to chat doesn't make me loud or shallow, or unable to be silent. But in these specific social situations, yes, quiet people who will not do more than answer questions are really really hard work. It feels rude to me, like they're passing all the work on to me.

I think there's a difference between being quiet but able to chat when necessary and suffering from social anxiety. It doesn't come across as shy though, it comes across as making me make an arse of myself trying to keep the conversation going!

JenniferJareau · 20/03/2019 18:26

But @squeekums you said:

I give one word answers in the hope I will be left alone and in peace.

If you don't want to talk, and I respect you don't want to, just tell the person. It can upset those trying to talk to someone in a social situation (such as sitting next to them at dinner at a wedding) to get such one word answers. You think to yourself 'do they dislike me?', 'have I said something wrong?' 'bad breath?' On those occasions you feel like you have to make conversation with those around you and its best to say you prefer not to talk for whatever reason so the person knows where they stand.

ToftyAC · 20/03/2019 18:33

Most people don’t take to me because I’m quiet (more shy, a bit awkward & shit at small talk) although if they could be bothered to get to know me I’m anything but quiet.

BecauseWeCanCanCan · 20/03/2019 18:38

Most people don’t take to me because I’m quiet (more shy, a bit awkward & shit at small talk) although if they could be bothered to get to know me I’m anything but quiet.

But...but....YOU'RE not bothering to get to know them. How do you know that they're not shy/awkward as well? You're putting all the work on them to get to know you. That's why I find it odd to not share some of the work socially.

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