To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

I was once told I was 'too serious' by one man donkey years ago. I use to be very quiet but I now talk to anyone although I still sometimes lack confidence in some situations. I don't think being quiet makes people dislike you though.

I’m not quiet with those I know but I’m shy and a little awkward around new people especially in a 1:1 situation and first impressions count. I think it puts majority of people off

I think quiet is ok, but quiet which is bordering on painful pauses and lack of facial expression is not ok - that’s rude

'I don't really understand small talk' - eh? So you don't understand questions like what are you up to this weekend? It's hardly quantum physics.

There's a big difference between quiet and boring. Quiet people are fine and, often, a lot more interesting than some extroverts

I can chat chat chat but tend to shrink back into quietness if I’m with powerful personalities...’alpha’ types or extroverts. My husband is known to be very quiet and this is intensified in group situations. He is also kind, very funny and extremely smart and interesting BUT not one to push himself and his ideas/opinions in people’s faces. As a couple we’re probably not sparkling company, we’re not about to entertain you all evening with hilarious stories and command the table with anecdotes but at home together we chat, laugh and giggle everyday with our children. I’ve come to the realisation that this is so much more important. I hope you feel that way too and don’t attempt to change for the misguided personal option of someone you’re not too fussed about anyway.

Just remember that by being quiet you get to notice more and I really think loud people realise that and don't like it because they are worried you have sussed them out

I am an extrovert I also notice everything that is going on around me.

Can I ask what it is you are meant to have sussed out.

Do you simply mean you have sussed out whether you like them or not?
Because of course you would have. You have to talk for someone to figure out if you like them or not.

It depends how quiet you are. I find madly quiet people agony to be around. By that I mean one word answers etc. it's still possible to have good social skills and be quiet but some quiet people are agony to be around

Just remember that by being quiet you get to notice more and I really think loud people realise that and don't like it because they are worried you have sussed them out.

@BeatriceBee Sussed out what exactly?

And from the above you are saying every single loud person is the same?

Well, this thread has certainly revealed one thing and that is that people are shy and introverted not because they are dull or have nothing to say. I suspect that some, like me, live more ‘in their heads’. They read, observe, listen and process what others are saying and what is going on around them.

There is often a divide between those who do and those who think. I have many well off friends whose lives are a round of holidays, meals out, events and experiences and they are happy to recount these in unending lists. They sound like tick lists to me and the amusement of the anecdotes depends on their ability to render them amusing to others, a capacity well beyond some.

Their value as conversationalists depends on their willingness to listen as well as talk, and to employ intelligence, sensitivity, empathy and wit. An amusing companion must also have a sense of audience. However, many talkers, I find, merely wish to dump an internal monologue on their interlocutor which is an introvert’s nightmare.

I imagine that is why many introverts prefer reading as they know they will be engaged and interested by content and style.

I don’t understand why so many people dislike small talk. I actually quite enjoy it! I’d much rather do small talk at a party than have a deep and meaningful with someone I’ve only just met.

Sorry, the above post comes across as snobbish and judgemental and I actually like others a lot and am interested in their lives.

I am quite a quiet person but I am not (entirely) stupid. I write a Christmas newsletter to my friends and a chatty update every so often. The response to this is interesting. I am frequently told I am funny, should be writing for a living and that my correspondents really enjoy my nonsense. I can guarantee that they would never have this response from merely talking to me. They are amazed that there is anything at all going on under the surface of this dullish, quiet individual.

I'm quiet because I genuinely think people don't want to listen to whatever I have to say.

I feel my small talk would be boring. Weird, because I don't find anyone else boring.

If you're quiet, people think you're a deep thinker who's judging them

Is this true?!

@peoplepleaser1

What would you suggest someone does when sitting or standing with you at a social occasion

For me, talk about yourself. I'm far more comfortable as a shy introvert to listen and without the pressure of having to think of what to say, but I'll warm up and soon be chatting away with you. It's the initial bit I find the hardest. I'm so worried about offending someone or making a bad impression.

I just want to be liked

Im quiet.
My brain freezes....i love people and bekng atound them....but my brain goes blank. Then i go red and my neck goes rashy....i usually get asked if im having an allergic reaction. I go redder.

If i could just be around people and just be around them....it would be grest

I have 2 or 3 people i can be around and my brain works...it spouts some right daft rhbbish buf it works.

I love it when making small talk with a new person and there’s a flash of connection you can very quickly move from small talk to interesting stuff. Works dinner recently I was on my own man sitting next to me never met before did the kid thing which schools etc he had passionate views about child development and was home schooling had a really good evening

And i adore people who talk alot. If i can get people to talk about themselves...its great. I love to hear what others have to say i just wish they understood that my brain goes blank and its not intentional.

Ive even bought books on small talk....i kid you not. Brain still goes blank

I find some people at work seem to make incorrect assumptions about me because I’m quiet. Like I don’t get up to much at the weekend or I’m very middle of the road or something. Times when I come to realise it I am irritated by it. But then I’m far less inclined to share what I’m up to with people like that.

Op thank you for starting this thread. I relate to this thread 100% and because of my quietness, i dont have any friends at work or in my personal life.

I try talking to ppl at work but like others have said, its one sided questions. Some ppl do ask me questions too and we have a convo, and i can see they are making an effort with me as i am with them. However i sometimes find small talk very difficult, i also have low confidence and suffer from social anxiety.

I don't think anyone is saying loud people can't be wearing. They're perhaps more likely to be, overall. But this thread asked why someone might dislike someone who is too quiet. I think you have to take a few risks to build a rapport with someone.

@HarrysOwl thank you for that. It's hard to know what to do for the best. Sometimes taking about yourself can be tricky as it seems very self centred.

I struggle how best to cause as little offence as possible to the type of people who have posted saying they would prefer it if other people didn't try to talk to them.

I have sat next to people like this at weddings and events, I've also found myself standing with them at work events.

It feels unkind not to try to strike up a conversation. But having read this thread I realise some people would rather be left alone.

If I find myself standing with someone who doesn't want to talk at an event it feels very awkward to leave them to it- especially as that would mean they are literally left standing alone. Previously I'd never have done that regardless of how awkward the conversation is- but it sounds like I've been doing the wrong thing.

It’s interesting the different views there are on small talk on this thread. I completely understand that some people who seem to have an endless store of manic small talk are just nervous themselves, and are trying to make themselves and others feel more comfortable.

But personally I experience it as invasive. I have worked with people talk for maybe 60% / 70% of the working day. But I don’t want to spend that proportion of my working day listening to them and it can be hard to zone them out. I wish they could realise that there are others that are more comfortable with silence than they are and silence will not be as scary as they think it is.

I'm probably considered quite loud and I've always wished I was a quiet person. You get to be dignified and not irritate people rather than crashing about making a fool of yourself (or worrying that you are annoying) all the time but not being able to shut up.