To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

Maybe the difference is that some people like to fill in what to them is an awkward silence, and some people just like silence and don't find it awkward?

A good friend of mine and I became friends when our children were at the same primary school. I think she just asked me how DD was getting on, and we took it from there. I don't see how you can start a friendship in RL (without resorting to online) without some kind of small talk really.

I’m quiet and I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers anyone. I am who I am 😎.

Hazle That is fine.
I don't care if someone does not want to talk to me. Unless it is at an enforced social situation such as sitting next to someone at dinner. I do think it is rude to attend something like that and refuse to talk.

I think the thing is if you want to be more chatty (I’ve learned this from experience) is to not worry about answering questions but get better at asking them, particularly if you’re with a chatty person. You just give them the odd question to keep them going! Look interested and smile. Then when they ask you something more personal, be honest! Give a bit of yourself, try not to worry about judgement or privacy, most people are too busy thinking about themsleves to think about you critically.

I really don’t give two hoots and wouldn’t want to talk to you either. But if stuck with you in a social situation abit of interaction is basic manners

Tapas I am comfortable with silence. But context matters. I am not comfortable with silence going out with friends for dinner. Because the ONLY reason I go is that it is a social situation where you talk to people.
Going for a walk? I am fine to just look around at things and not talk much at all.
Although being honest, if you are seen as quiet by everyone, then normally this means you have poor social skills. DP is naturally quiet but makes small talk at work and with my family. In a group though, he is the quiet one.

My then 6 year old when queueing up for the class room with other families when it went quiet turned to a mum I don’t really know and asked “do you have any nice plans for the weekend?” My work is done

Yes I was at a baby group where the mums sing and a new woman started. She was very very quiet and had 2 little ones. I only had one toddler so a lot easier. I tried to make her feel welcome and offered to make a cup of tea when I was getting one. Felt like I’d offered her a fart sandwich. She didn’t speak at all and I don’t think she even sang out loud. I thought she hated it but she let coming back. Maybe she warmed up in the end but I left (work). But she made me feel unreasonable and uncomfortable.

I used to be very chatty but now I find it hard work being in someones company for too long, unless I haven't spoken to them for ages. So maybe some of it boils down to how much one has to talk about? I don't like socialising much at all now either, but if there are at least a few people, it's easier to sit back and let everyone else do most of the talking, without anyone noticing!

See I always used to assume the overly quiet ones were boring because they had nothing interesting to say and no opinions.

Polarbear - that's great but it appears the op does give one.

I tend to gravitate towards people that make me laugh. Generally people would have to talk to do that.

The ideal approach for me in a wedding situation would be to be included in a group conversation via eye contact and body language, without being directly asked a question or somehow put in a position where I have to speak up in front of a group of strangers

How is anyone meant to know these kind of specific terms on which you're happy to be involved in a group conversation?? Especially at a wedding where the other guests you meet probably don't know you at all. I'm quiet myself but I'd never set such parameters or expectations on other people. No offence but it comes across as a bit indulgent and is why alot of quiet people get tarred with the "hard work" label e.g. i will sit in your conversation, not say anything but you have to include me via eye contact even though I'm contributing zero. I recongise if I feel a bit awkward or am struggling with joining in then that's kind of my issue and not everyone elses fault.

And in reality, if you can't be bothered to talk, and some people on this thread make it clear that is their situation, don't expect anyone to include you.
I think there is a meanness of spirit about this. Very different from someone who is really shy. But otherwise, it is mean to expect everyone else to do the work of starting and maintaining a conversation and making that conversation interesting enough that you will deign to speak.

Sometimes I feel like “the entertainment” with in laws. It’s tiring and gets old fast. Went on a date with a chap in my twenties he sat there all evening while I told him funny anecdotes. Afterwards he told my friend what a marvellous evening he had had and he wanted to see me again. I don’t think so pal!

There is obviously a huge spectrum of what is behind a person's quietness. For some, it's social anxiety/shyness, some just don't feel like engaging or talking. I also think it's not so much a binary of quiet vs loud - a lot of it is situational and depends on the context.

For example, one-on-one I can be quite animated and chatty but I'm often much quieter in group situations. If I'm comfortable with the people again I can be quite chatty but I do tend to struggle a bit at parties and networking events though I always try, usually by asking the other person questions. It also depends how tired I am too, if I'm tired I really struggle to 'switch it on' as I'm naturally more of an observer/listener. I'm not naturally witty or full of banter either but I do try and be friendly. Funnily enough I struggle with quiet people who are more similar to myself - chatty people take the burden off me to drive the conversation!

I do find though that small talk and chatting can be improved the more you try it. I was afraid of situations involving small talk for years but now that I'm more accustomed to doing things on my own I find it much easier. I've also learned from DH - he makes conversation with anyone and everyone!

@Hollycatberry that post about wedding was in response to another poster asking how to act with quiet/shy people. That is just my personal preference but of course no one else would/should know that. I was just answering a question.

The point is, for me personally, I don’t really want to be involved in your conversation. I would rather you gassed away with someone equally as chatty and left me to talk to my OH/family/friends. And if I didn’t have any of those there in that situation, I likely wouldn’t be there either. Some quiet people are desperate for someone to start a conversation for them, and some would rather just not have the conversation.

And if that person was there on their own they should just sit talking to no one?

How do you meet your friends in the first place?!

I can’t speak for anyone else. I wouldn’t be there if it were me.

My friends are school/uni friends. I’ve moved around a lot so never made any lasting friendships at work - perhaps because I’ve always known I wouldn’t be in that location permanently.

I have to say that while I don't dislike quiet people, I do find it a lot more difficult to get to know them and connect with them - it's a lot more work than with less talkative people and so maybe this is what 'puts them off'.

@Mary and that's fine - you do you.

What I would say is that, if you like to be left alone (or to your limited group) that's fine. I think people would leave you alone because it's clear your not open to conversation. What would be unfair is after such a scenario (like a wedding where you've kept to yourself/ small group) is that you complained that no one made effort with you. Because you've made zero effort with anyone else. And if someone said you were quiet or hard work... well maybe that would be a fair opinion to hold given they have had no opportunity to form any other opinion.

I suspect you wouldn't complain as you've clearly stated you don't want to talk to other people. So fair enough, no problem.

However, some people are guilty of offering no effort to converse with others and then moan that people say they are quiet or hard work. Can't have it both ways is what I'm highlighting.

Feel rather sorry for those who are quiet / have few friends or who are new in town if everyone huddled with their friends from school!

I was new in town sitting in a coffee shop with my toddler feeling abit down and lonely when a large jolly man came over and insisted I took his wife’s number as our toddlers same age. His wife looked nice but was abit . She is now 10 yrs later one of my dearest friends and through her met lots of other her dh still the ultimate extrovert!