To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

I agree with those saying don't give up what you have. Don't buy together. Stay as you are.

Either you throw in your lot together or you don't. It's fine that he's not ready to, but you shouldn't have to struggle so he can have his cake and eat it.

he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!.

The situation hasn't even happened yet and he's built up a head of resentment about you supposedly swanning about on his money. This is the kind of thing NRPs say about paying maintenance to their ex after a bad break-up...

If he's like this now before you've even moved in together, the only way from here is going to be down. Don't do it.

Hes just seen and heard a lot of stories etc and family members experiences
Personally I tbi k he is very wise as I too have seen family members who got together with a single mum where everything was perfect until they moved in together and suddenly the woman wants to stop working and be fully supported before things go wrong and the guy is left renting a small flat whilst his ex gets to stay in the nice large house with her kids and not only csnt he force the sale of the place but has to pay half if not the full mortgage of the house.

Of course you're not like that but if there have been some ups and downs on your relationship already, he is right to be cautious. Perdibslku I would tell my do to be too in this instance.

Maybe you could go full time at work, go 50/50 to start with until he can be reassured and ready to commit fully.

He’s proposing to make his life better at the expense of making yours far, far worse. This shouldn’t even be up for discussion or consideration.

So for the pleasure of living with this man you and your child have to live in penury? Well, at least he's been upfront with it so you can opt out if you want to. Better than being trapped in debt to the person who is supposed to love you, like Shortandsweeet.

Shortandsweet please leave that abusive fucker that you are living with. His behaviour is the opposite of love and I feel so sad that you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. You deserve much better. Financial abuse is still abuse.

Definitely look really hard at the different financial situation you would be in as partners versus as a married couple Never give up a career to bring up the child of a man you are not married to. It puts you in a really precarious finacial position.

BorsetshireBlew has read my mind.

I think don't move in with him, don't sell your house, don't buy a property with him, definitely don't have a baby with him.

If he marries you - fine crack on.
Otherwise, stay as you are and do not merge your finances with this man
You could end up in unsecured rented if things went very badly (stamp duty is £££) - he is giving up nothing you would be giving up a lot
-you have to think of yourself and your child--.

Run for the hills. If he loved you he would want to share all he has with you. If one partner has £50 disposable income and the other has £800 then the couple has £850 between them.

I think this man loves money first and that is what he wants to protect first and foremost. Don't trust this man to ever consider your needs first - long term this is risky.

I think 50/50 sounds fair too. You need to find somewhere to live that makes that work for you if you move in together. Do you have the option of working full time?

I think moving in together sounds a bad plan for now though.

It is mad to not have lived together and sell up and buy together, regardless of the splitting finances issue. It doesn’t make it sound like he views you as a life partner if there is so little flexibility and understanding regarding money. For instance the fact he hasn’t listened when you said you can’t afford a more expensive area.
I would think it’d be reasonable to buy as tenants in common- 40-60 shares, so if you split you get the percentage of the property you own. Maybe all the associated costs of moving could be similarly split?
But I really would wait and live together etc before becoming financially entangled as it doesn’t sound like you are on the same page about the future of your relationship/life?

I’m old fashioned but for me marriage comes first, not after, huge financial commitment and children. How can you trust a man who wants the get out clause of not being married and buy a house/ mix all your finances/ have kids. When I was first married divorce would have been a hell of a lot easier than sorting out the mess if children and finances if it went wrong!

I completely agree with the majority of other posters - he does not view you as a team. You would be bonkers to put your and your child’s financial security at risk to move in with this man and in my opinion utterly irresponsible to have a child with him. I’m sorry it’s prob not what you want to hear💐

Also, I agree with the mindset of sharing money. I married young, a recent immigrant with no cash and had the money in the relationship. Now I’m not working and he’s a high earner, things change in time anyway.

Just seen the fund your lifestyle part- argh, how rude. Honestly don’t buy with this man! Why can’t you live together first?!

My sil married a man who was obsessed with his money - he made her life a misery - she had two kids and didn't work because had she worked the childcare would come out of her salary and she was paid minimum wage. All decisions in the house got made by him - home decor, holidays every thing - he relied on relatives to clothe his kids and Grandparents to give pocket money to the kids - she was left with no choices and inevitably they got divorced and she got half of his substantial savings and can now live independently - they were no winners - her life with him was bloody awful.

Well essentially he's not interested in a shared life together. He doesn't want to share. He doesn't see you as a unit. And until that changes you don't really have a future if he's only thinking about what happens if / when you split. I absolutely would not jointly buy my largest asset with this man and I certainly wouldn't be having a baby with him.

I'd also be finding out whether he thinks he would be liable for half of the costs of the child. Who would take leave from work when the child is sick? Who is liable for childcare fees? What happens if you're unable to get back to work? What happens if you get ill? What happens if he gets ill and is unable to work? What happens if you have a child and want to give that child a leg up, will he help his step child in the same way?

I wouldn't be looking at moving the relationship forward until you've ironed out these issues, and if he still insists on viewing assets separately and you each put in 50% exactly, it doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

Do not move in with him EVER.
No decent man would ask you to pay 50/50 and leave you with just £50 disposable income while he has £800 and you have a small child.

Get out now.

hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

Yeah - the hills are >>>>>>>>>that way>>>>>>>>>>

Agree with PP - he doesn't sound like someone I would want to share my life with. How will you feel when he is tutting over the cost of your child's school shoes? Imagine how he will react if you ever had a child together - you would be using your maternity pay to buy the nappies.

Fuck that shit - you and your child deserve better.

Ignoring the fact he doesn't seem to see you as a team, if you are wanting to do this, he could put in a higher deposit X, (you put Y) so it bring the monthly bills down. You split monthly payments 50:50 but the first X when you sell is his, first Y is yours and then the rest is split 50:50

Despite his protestations, he still sees you as two entities not a partnership. This will not change because you start living together. Please think twice before making this commitment, the issue is how he sees your relationship not money.

Typical Mn double standards all over this thread, unsurprisingly.

If it were a woman wanting to protect her assets before moving in with a man who had a child from a previously relationship, she'd be told she was doing the right thing by wanting 50/50 and the man was a cocklodger for expecting a partner to pay more.

This man is doing nothing wrong! If you're not after his money, which I believe you aren't, then what's wrong with paying 50/50. Sounds fair to me, it's not like he's asking you to pay more than half to take your child into consideration, which he would reasonably be entitled to do.

Being single and being a family are different financial mindsets.

You are both starting from very different points.

I think you are good as you are! However

What is the reason for living together?
If it’s to be a permanent family together then he needs to shift his thinking.

Keeping your house to rent out if you do move In together is something well worth considering. Also keeping finances separate.

However with all his disposable income will he be spending it on him alone as that will cause an imbalance and if he spending it on your share of things will he expect your gratitude.

It’s hard to balance finances, a mine field
In fact.

What’s appropriate now will be different whth a joint baby, maternity leave, any illness, holidays, redundancy- insert life challenge here- etc.

To join as a team requires a team spirit first and foremost.

I don’t think he would ever marry OP as he wouldn’t want her having the financial security.

OP he is literally telling you who he really is. At least he’s honest about what a Scrooge he is. It’s your choice whether you want to spend your precious life with him. To me it sounds like a miserable existence.