To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

I find his attitude really mean and it would massively put me off being with someone like that.

I received inheritance last year and used the money to buy a house for hubby and me. My husband asked me if I wanted him to sign something to say the house was totally mine as he was not putting anything towards it (we had nothing before the inheritence). I was shocked he even asked that and to be honest it hasn't ever crossed my mind and I know if I was broke, he'd give me his last penny. Money isn't everything but knowing that someone values you more than money is pretty important to me.

Sad to think that he guards his finances to much that it's getting in the way of your happiness together.

Just don't even think about it!

Nooo dont move in with this man it doesnt bode well.
You wont be able to trust him because hes clearly coming from a state of mistrust himself.
There are more important things than money... it doesnt seem like he knows that though.
It's up to him if he wants to divide everything 50/50 to the last penny.... but it's not something I'd be on board with.
Protect yourself because you can be sure he always will do at your expense.

@Kennehora
I would definitely support the children of a partner if I was moving in with them, even more so if I was the main earner and he was providing childcare for his children. I would do it because I would consider it the right thing to do, it wouldn’t sit right with me that the main carer of the children (and the one earning the least) would have to find a monthly amount disproportionate to the ratio of our incomes. I would take the children into my life as part of my family, not just my ‘partner’s children’. But, as I am well aware, we all have different opinions.

Be careful and make sure you don’t become vulnerable financially by having a baby with him without the commitment of marriage.

I think this is a sad thread.

When I met my exH (many years ago) he was the one with the equity/ money and he didn’t bat an eyelid / didn’t even talk about what I paid/ what he paid. We clubbed together because we were a couple. Fast forward a number of years. My career has done ok. He’s had a few hiccups. And the situation has reversed and Now I pay him maintenance. And you know what? I don’t begrudge a penny. Because he’s the father of my children and because I take my lead on how he acted when he had the savings/ equity.

Money comes, money goes. It’s not the be all and end all.

In your shoes I categorically would not jeopardise the financial security I had, especially for the child you have.

Hmmmm.....have to agree with the majority here...it’s not sounding like the best start. I would not want to be buying a house or moving in with a partner like this. He sounds like he’s not committing to a partnership with you...what’s his is his and all that....

I fear you won’t take the excellent advice on here. But I hope you do.
Read your post out loud to yourself & imagine it was a friend seeking your advice, what would you say?
Men who are tight with money never change & often use it as a means to control. You would have few options with your 50 quid per month versus his 800.
My ex was mean to the core when it came to joint expenses but would buy himself top of the range electronic gadgets, cameras etc. He hasn’t changed. Fifteen years later he is telling our daughter that he can’t pay towards a school trip & she should learn that “money doesn’t grown on trees.” He is however heading off on a Caribbean cruise with his current (3rd) wife.
Think long & hard before you give up your own home & independence & hand control to this man. Think of the potential negative impact on your child growing up watching their Mum becoming increasingly reliant on a man who is already talking in terms on unwillingness to “fund your lifestyle.”

Get rid of him and get a caring, compassionate man who wants to look after you. Oh, and get rid of the "friends with benefits" he's getting. He hasn't earned it.

I haven't read all updates from from the OP he sounds reasonable.
It's a big ask for him to put more money in just because he has it, what if he didn't have it? What would you do then? You'd need to live somewhere that you could afford.
Also, if you are bring a child into the new place and he is not, then you will need a bigger place to accommodate the child and his 50% would already be covering this.

It's a hard one as I do also believe that money should be shared in a relationship, however, I would feel uneasy in his shoes.

Alarm bells would be ringing, but if you decide to go ahead, I would have a legally binding agreement drawn up, so that should alleviate any of HIS worries about losing money, so anything he puts in, he gets back, you can redo a prenup if you get married.

The OP and her partner each have some valid concerns and it is clear that, financially, they have different mindsets and priorities. Personally, I am probably more of a prudent person than a spender and I would find a partner working part time and running a subscription lifestyle problematic if I were focussed on saving.

However, that is not what is wrong with this relationship. The real problem is lack of trust. My DH and I have all of our finance in common and do not police each other’s spending. When he was working he earned more than me and when he was made redundant my pension was higher than his. He doesn’t splurge and neither do I, nor do we resent it when the other does spend some money.

I am not sure that, without trust, there is a basis for buying a house together or having a child. Each partner has to be prepared to subsidise the other at some point without resentment. There has to be some generosity of spirit somewhere.

An excel spreadsheet is the only way I find to reasonably show in black and white all your outgoings that you can’t avoid and your wages.
Then you can both play around with your percentage of wage that you put in on the spreadsheet. My husband hated this approach though and just refused to cooperate and carried on making wild false accusations about my finances until the end. One way or another he will have to pay more be it bills, food or mortgage. You already have a child to look after and you can’t be expected to sacrifice their needs to compete with his financial input. I would work on the principle of paying what you already pay at your own house and for everything else and apologise that you can’t do more than that. Then it’s up to him to decide whether to match it and live within your means or to pay more and you live within his means or somewhere in between. You should both keep your current properties and you have the option of renting them both and renting elsewhere together as a trial for a year or two or living together in one your respective properties. Men can be total asses when it comes to finances. He’s lucky you haven’t got health problems and can contribute anything at all. How would he behave in that situation? Would he resent looking after you? Those vows really do need thinking about.

Gosh, I’m glad I’m not the only one. For mine a Porsche was more important than food shopping, family holidays, accident recovery and school fees. I’m so glad I got out.

He's cheap and selfish. Run. You deserve better then settling for that.

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!! OMG don’t even consider buying a property with this man, he’s treating you like an investment consideration not his potential future family.

I haven't RTFT but I had a friend whose DH was like this. He was extremely business like regarding money and even took the dc on the family holiday ALONE as she couldn't afford her share due to ML . Do not buy a house with this man, unless you are prepared for everything to be business like. He is telling you loud and clear how he is, just listen to him.

@macblank you sound nice! When did the op say she wanted him to pay for everything. Op is desperately trying to match his input, jeopardising her current financial security. He’s proposing a solution that leaves her £50 per month to spend and himself £800, that”ll be a nice workable lifestyle, he’s not sure about their future together but suggests buying a house together. What to try her out and can then leave her and child in a worse financial mess when it all goes wrong. I’ve never seen such a warped post as yours ever.

Don't do it. I've been in a similar situation. My partner earned significantly more than me and had been single for 20 yeara when we met. He was very independent (selfish), spending whatever he liked on whatever he wanted and telling me I should have more of a social life so I'd be less lonely. Hard when you're a single parent!
3 years in and his grown up kids left home and despite saying he'd never marry again or live with someone from the outset, within a week of them leaving, he told me to move in with him. I gave away all my furniture etc to move into his house, believing it was happily ever after but very early in I realised I'd made a mistake. He continued his selfish ways and treated me like his housekeeper.
It was only when I had a meeting with a financial advisor about life insurance that I learned my partner hadn't changed his will and still planned to leave the house to his children.
If your partner is already tight with money, I think resentment will creep in on both sides eventually and you'll end up miserable.
Awful as it sounds, stay where you are and if I were you, find someone else.

He sounds financially savvy . Perhaps he had a poor upbringing and he’s afraid of ever being in that situation again . I wouldn’t move in with him without being married . Treat your relationship like a boyfriend girlfriend one . Dates , nights in together etc . If he loves you and wants to share his life with you then he will.
If he’s not giving you what you want and you don’t think he ever will , then it’s time to let him go .
My husband would be considered fairly tight by the majority of posters on here . He had enough money saved by 30 to build our house mortgage free . Since then we have bought a couple of properties together for our children. A bit of tightness isn’t always a bad thing if it’s done for the right reasons .

Marriage doesn't guarantee financial security if you divorce. I had to pay £20,000 up front if I wanted to go to court and fight, I had no way of getting £20,000 so couldn't fight it. Yes I got more of the house sale and minimum maintenance for 3 children but it was not enough to buy another house. Oh and It was agreed between us I would give up my well paid 20 year job to look after children and house whilst he built up a new business. Lots more to the story, but the more I think about it all, the angrier I get. At the time I was emotionally spent and it was more important for me and teenage children to leave and be on our own. Marriage isn't the saviour many people think it is. Please dont sell your house, If I had kept mine it would have solved so much.

A bit of tightness isn’t always a bad thing if it’s done for the right reasons. IME tight people aren't just careful with their money - they often save their money by getting other people to spend theirs.

Hmmmm......he sounds as if he's very "careful" with money. What my Dad would have called "a right cheeseparing b*gger!"

Do moths fly out of his wallet when he opens it?

Keep him at a distance.

A bit of tightness is always a bad thing. Especially when it’s at someone else’s expense.