To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

You are not financially compatible. Even if you manage to reach a compromise that allows you to live together, one of you will resent the other. Either you will resent him because all your money will go on bills and you'll have nothing to live on, or he'll resent every non-essential purchase you make because he'll see himself as wasting his hard-earned money on funding your lifestyle.
I don't see how this relationship can work long term.

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more.

I don’t actually see anything wrong with this bit-it sounds reasonable.

If he’s telling you to rent your house out and that will leave you with £50 though, tht is clearly not going to work and you would talk him that. If he doesn’t listen then I wouldn’t be buying a house wth him at all.

Please listen to everyone on here OP.

Do not sell your house and do not make yourself financially worse off by moving in with a man who can be so selfish with money.

If you sell your house, move in with him and have a baby with him then your life will become very bleak and as another poster said, I can well imagine you having to beg him for money during maternity leave and having to account for every penny he gives you.

This man does not want a partnership with you and I’m pretty confident that he will never marry you.

I would take extreme precautions to ensure you do not have a child with this man. He is not a provider in any sense. You would end up paying for everything, and working extremely hard for years and years with the added pressure of another baby just to keep yourselves afloat.
Consider saving your money for a holiday for you and your child. Keep your home arrangements as they are, and spend time reflecting whether this man could ever be a good father, long term partner to you, your child and any future children. I suspect you know the answer.

I don't understand the comments here. Why should he have to pay more because you choose to work part time and have a child? That said, living with a tight-ass is so fun and you'll be constantly told off for putting the heating on.

Why does he think his money (and savings and house) are "hard-earned" and he's "working hard to fund", but presumably your smaller salary, what, fell out of a tree? Can't bear it when higher earners assume their wealth is from working harder.

Don't move in with him or make decisions about selling or renting out your house until this is fairly resolved. I can't imagine having a partner who would be OK with me only having £50 left a month after splitting bills "equally"!

Always worries me when there's a follow up about planning to get married but haven't yet because of "ups and downs". I suspect there's much more to this than your first post.

You would be barmy to move in with this man. He wants to keep all his money for himself and if you live together and have a baby, he will still feel this way.

You really can't change people. He is tight and doesn't want to share. 20 years from now he will still be tight and not want to share. The only thing that will have changed is you will have lost your financial security and be tied to him in a miserable relationship.

No no no...stay where you are .in control of your money and your life.this is not a good sign....I've not worked in 20. Years.i have 4 dc .2 with autism..but my dh would give me his last penny.he encouraged me to join the gym,and buy clothes ,and spend what I like from the joint account.we have been together 25 years.hes always been like this..is he offering you marriage op? If not why not? I'd not move in with him unless you were married and money jointly shared..

Keep your house, security and independence.

would the rent you get for your house you let it cover your current mortgage and also there may be times when your house is empty and then that would mean keeping up 2 mortgage payments. I wouldn't rush to buy a place with him to be honest

Currently in this situation.
I'm on a good, but not great salary, but I also have debt to pay off.

My DP has a really good salary and is often investing into cars, spending thousands and thousands of building cars.

We bought a house together last February, and we decided to go 50/50. It wasnt too bad to begin with, he said he would help me out as much as possible. But hes become very tight. If he knows over struggled he will say he will.help me out the rest of the month, down to giving me money for fuel. But he writes a list of what I owe him, then at the end of the month wants that back on top of my 50%. So I've ended up borrowing from him and now I cant get out of the rut of getting back on my feet financially.

When he said he would help me out I didn't expect to be giving anything but I also didn't expect him to run me into the ground.

Be very careful OP. We've had many arguments about money and its not nice to fall out all the time.

Huge red flag. Stay in your own home and keep your independence.

He sounds a delight - NOT. Dont do it. A money obsessed, stingy man is not attractive - he wont change

Do not move in with him
Do not have a child with him

There is another thread currently running from a woman who is not married to her child's father and has no financial security. I suggest you read it.

If you want to buy together make sure the 50% of the mortgage is what you can comfortably afford and give you a reasonable amount of disposable income so you can carry on independently if you need to. 50% of bills etc on a smaller house will be more manageable too.

The other option, if you do sell your house is to keep your equity from that seperate as savings for your child’s future or if you needed a deposit on a house or your own in the future.

Just make it clear if he wants to go 50/50 it’s at level you are comfortable with so he might not be able to have as big a house or area he would otherwise choose.

Make sure you’re basing your figures on income after you move in with him too as you’ll lose tax credits etc as they’ll assume your income is joint.

Hmm, if you’re 37 and the child isn’t his I’m sorry but I don’t blame him for wanting to keep things financially separate.

OP, you can accept sympathy from PP’s and indulge in feeling wronged but I guarentee you that were it the other way around- (you had much more capital and savings) the entire of MN wouldn’t telling you that you were completely correct and in the right to keep your savings/income separate and protected for the sake of your child.

MN is many things, hypocritical is 75% of them 🙄😒

OP, I don’t see anything wrong with wanting everything 50/50. In fact I think it is quite sensible. BUT you are not in a position to do this comfortably just yet.

As you already have a child, I would be concerned that you are looking to tie yourself in to a mortgage with someone and you haven’t even tested the waters first. Have you discussed how big expenses where your child would be concerned will work?

Can he move in with you for a year or so and pay you rent allowing for you to save for a bigger deposit and allowing you to test the waters?

*would be

Where does your DC fit in? If he's this mean with money where you're concerned, do you think your DC's financial welfare even matters to him? He will absolutely, openly resent financially supporting your DC and this will grow teeth and legs with time. It will be awful for your DC. You're setting up a very unhappy childhood for your DC, OP and your DC will not forget the misery of this miser. Having another baby certainly won't put your DC on equal footing. Your partner will resent financially supporting his own biological child as well. Misers are awful people.

You and your DC will constantly be indebted to your partner, financially and emotionally.
This scenario has misery written all over it.
Don't undo the stability you've created for your DC, even if you're willing to undo it for yourself.

But he writes a list of what I owe him, then at the end of the month wants that back on top of my 50%. So I've ended up borrowing from him and now I cant get out of the rut of getting back on my feet financially.

Good God - that’s horrifying!!!

Take heed OP - please listen to women who are in these situations and who are telling you not to do it!

Going against the grain I don’t think he’s being unreasonable at all. I’d do the same if I was him (but I would also never marry for these reasons). His no1 priority is being financially secure and independent. That is what EVERYONE’s no1 priority should be imo. Never look to lean on anyone else. In your situation, if remaining financially independent means keeping your house and not moving in with him, that’s what you should do. Don’t ever sacrifice financial security for a relationship is my advice. He’s got clearly got that memo!

Don't do it OP. Please read some of the threads on here from women trapped with their children in financially abusive relationships. The red flags are there. Please don't put your DC in that position.

He said he wont work hard to fund your lifestyle!!!!!!
Read this statement a few times!!!!!
Then run away!!!
You have a happy independent life with your child...think very carefully.

I wouldn’t give up your financial independence for this man. He sounds horrible frankly.

For an unmarried couple of house buyers with no children I’d say it’s reasonable for shares in equity to represent their financial contribution. Splitting 50/50 looks unsustainable for you so a 40/60 split would seem more sensible - financially fair without leaving you too stretched.

However he doesn’t look like a good bet for the long term anyway. It looks to me as if he’s pushing 50/50 when it’s not the most sensible solution just to protect himself in case he ends up marrying you. This man should not be the father of your children.