To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

Op, what is coming across is his attitude to you. This will hardened and get worse as you live together, at this stage you are in honeymoon, wait til the routine of living together kicks in.

For what it's worth, men don't do badly after divorce, formal studies confirm this and women have always been financially WORSE after divorce. The stories you hear after often exaggerated because assets have to be split, mostly 50% so if the woman "gets" the house the husband will have got the pensions, saving etc. Ki know hardly any women who "get" a large family house mortgage free. That only happens if the assets are large enough to find 2 homes.

One man I know tells others "the ex wife gets the house", I know the settlement and he is not presenting the story accurately. In addition CMS for one child is circa 10% of salary so the man retain 90% of his salary, which hardly pays for childcare let alone other costs.

It sounds like he wants a house sharer rather than partner. If he really wants to keep his financial situation the same he needs to remain living separately, or find another equally earning person to house buy with.
I assume Op, you would do more housework if you work less hours than him. Can he confirm he could share housework equally, since this is about 50:50.

To all Exploding Kittens fans out there, but expecially to you, OP:

Think about what would happen if you had another’s child....

Would you be expected to fund everything for because your partner would say, he’s “not my child”, whilst paying out for all sorts for your joint child?

Your biological child would be relying on your £50 whereas the joint child would be benefitting from your partner’s £800.

How do you think that would make your biological child feel? Do you think he’d feel part of the family? I certainly can’t see your partner treating the children as equals.

You need to really think about that.

This decision to move in together and settle down etc isn’t one that just effects you and you need to really think whether the potential downfalls (financial and otherwise) in conjunction with the type of man your partner is, is worth jeopardising your current child’s life, stability and happiness.

His AIBU would be that he is thinking of moving in with someone who wants him to make up the shortfall created by the fact she choses to work 4 days and not 5 and that is he being U to feel it's unfair.
It's not necessarily the right way of thinking but it's,sort of, understandable.

I bet he thinks you are valuing your free day over his money.

I think the whole situation is muddled by the fact you are looking to move to a nicer area when it sounds like you can't afford it.

What happens if something goes wrong and you can't work for a while? I have an autistic child and things were really hard when he was small. I had to give up work as I was struggling to cope.

This would really worry me as you are supposed to be a team where you support each other. Things don't always go smoothly in life and he sounds like he wouldn't have your back.

LTB

Seriously. This won't end well.

Dont do it OP. Cut and run now while its easier. Or at least keep living separately. There are men out there that wont behave like this. I met DH when I was a single parent on benefits. Not only did he support me with non loan financial help before we were living together, he also supported us all when he moved in when I was still unable to work due to youngest being too young to receive funded childcare. We are now several years down the line, Im self employed to fit around school hours, he is self employed and works full time at his business, we pool all finances and are a real team.

He is still v much the higher earner but he never ever mentions shares or percentages. Money goes into the pot and it doesnt matter whether he earnt it or I earnt it. His savings are long gone but he considered it his place to give the children a better quality of life seeing as he loves them and has taken them on as his own.

I dont think he is some rare breed of man, I like to think that most decent chaps wouldnt guard their money like dragons while watching their partner struggle to make ends meet and provide for her children. I couldnt be with someone who was stingey with money. Guard your financial indepedence OP.

He doesn’t sound like much of a catch! Anyone who thinks it’s reasonable to leave their partner with £50/month is not someone you should be making financial commitments with. He is mean and unreasonable. And he says he would pay a bit more of the mortgage if you were on maternity leave but it’s a bit more complicated than that isn’t it? Most women make a considerable career sacrifice when they have children and this should be born equally between the mother and father - you are losing out on your pension so should be entitled to some of his, you are unable to save so should be entitled to his savings etc etc. Any man who treats his finances as entirely his own is not someone to get tied up with.

DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE! You can not rely on this man for your future financial security.

Also thinking about it, aren't tax credits based on joint family income? So you could be in a real pickle if something like this happened and he wasn't prepared to support you.

I think it's been said before but I would suggest another option :

Buy the house as tenants in common and ask him to put in 75/25 (depending on how much u can afford). All joint bills would then be split in the same proportion. This means you will both be protected should the worst happen.

HOWEVER : don't rush into this - Ask him move in with you on a temp basis so he understands what it will mean to live with you.

Talk about child costs and how (if as all) these will be split.
If possible keep hold of you own home and rent it out so you and ur kids always have somewhere to live!!

Good luck x

Op, no. Don't give up your life. There is just too much at stake. Just wondering how he is with your dc? I ask because my sister was in a similar situation. She kept her little flat and rented it out and moved in with her boyfriend. She had a ds (8 year old) with another man and they eventually had a dd together. Now the problem is he dislikes her ds. Before they moved in it was fine but now years onto living together her dc talking gets on his nerves. His eating rubs on him. The ds can hardly raise his eyes to him. The access arrangements my sister has to make with her ds dad irritate him. The kid is excluded from the family. His dd is adored while he hates her ds. Its horrific. Just be careful op that you make sure this man accepts you both and always will. Your dc won't be a cute younger kid forever. Will he show your dc the same love and care he will (hopefully show) his dc? Its black and white to me. Already he is causing worry and concern to you so I would decline.

If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

Dear God.

Sorry, OP. But this is not a relationship worth pursuing. He's not seeing you as a family. He's seeing you as a flatmate he shags.

If you're happy dating, then great, date him. Do not for the love of God sacrifice a nice, stable situation for yourself and your child to become his economic, domestic and sexual resource. And a child with a guy like this? Without even marriage to protect your inevitable (and existing) child-related career hit? No. Please no.

You'd be making yourself horribly vulnerable to a man who has shown quite clearly that he has no intention of making himself the slightest little bit so. It's too unbalanced. Your child isn't his responsibility, sure. and if not married, then perhaps not a family, but you seem fine as you are. Joining forces as a blended family, and bringing a baby into a situation when he is telling you in advance he'd see that as primarily your responsibility as well (more of the mortgage when on maternity leave? While benefiting from your providing all care for your shared child - and who, pray, would be the one who stays at home when the baby is ill, or arranges all practicalities around domesticity? And where would the part time hours be acknowledged as now in his interests, too?)

Either he's not thought this through at all, or he has, and the second is scarier. I'd not move house and involve myself in this in a million years. Every scrap of advantage is his own.

I think anyone who throws a gym membership in your face as an example of your extravagant lifestyle while happily suggesting he benefits from your relationship by £800 plus a month is barely worth the effort. If you want to keep the relationship going then keep it as a fwb.

If you did move in together not only would you have lost your financial investment (and the financial security of your child) but he sounds the sort to suggest that you use your non working day to be a little housewife , clean the house, do the laundry ,get the shopping in and look up a new sexual position to try after he comes home from work.

I guarentee you that were it the other way around- (you had much more capital and savings) the entire of MN wouldn’t telling you that you were completely correct and in the right to keep your savings/income separate and protected for the sake of your child.

Erm... there are a couple of failry recent posts that spring to mind that do just that!

I woudn't change my advcie to a man saying th same as OP has said. Yes, you have to take a lep of fith, but not when the other half of the partnership has markedly different attitudes toards money. Not when it would mean giving up a level of security already reached.

MOST ESPECIALLY NOT when the less well of person has a child. Male or female they'd get the same advice, and as far as I remember on one of those other threads, that is exactly wha thappened.

I think what really happens is that the parent who has the child gets told to keep themselves safe. On here that is mainly women. Skews your perspective a bit!

I don't think this makes him some evil horrid man BUT you need to ask him some hard questions and really listen to his answers. Then decide if you want to proceed at all. And for all that is Holy don't have a baby with him without being married! You will have no protection. You could end up with a disabled child, unable to work and a man unwillingly to support you and you're "lifestyle".

I'd want to know:
Would he help with the baby or will it all be down to you because you won't be working while on mat leave? My guess is you'd be entirely on your own with nights/housework etc. Are you ok with that?

How will inheritance work? What about your existing child? Are you happy to have your two kids inherit very different amounts? I'd want a signed will before I made any more kids so it's not just a verbal agreement.

The only way I'd consider it is if you kept your house and rented it out in case things go tits up. Do not close down your only escape route! It might all be roses but if it isn't you need a way out. Keeping your house only adds the financial stability of your situation with him or without. Look at what type of property you could afford with you both going 50:50. Don't bankrupt yourself. If it's not possible - don't bloody do it! There's no reason the new house couldn't be bought using a trust so if he puts in 75% of the deposit he'd get it back.

Or rent somewhere together first. Wait until you're married to buy. There really is a reason most stable couples do this in order.

He seems very worried about his money and not very worried about you. The money isn't making him this way. This is who he is. Money isn't evil.

i also know hes scared and very cautious to not make the wrong decision (by this he means marry someone who then "robs him of all his money")... his best friends ex wife supposidly "got the house and the lot'.

Please please see those red flags flapping big-time. Someone so hung up about their cash, their mortgage, their whatever, will never change their misogynistic attitudes about gold diggers. He's told you what his priorities are.

Tell him you wouldn't dream of adding to his anxiety and you will gladly leave him to count his share options and property equity undisturbed. Urgh big turn off I'm afraid.

Don't move in with this man. He isn't interested in a genuine partnership or in sharing his life. Definitely do not take any chances about getting pregnant him - double up your precautions. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy for spending fun times with but that's as far as it can ever go. Trying to make this more than it is would be a disaster.

In a partnership, both partners would never want to have any more spending money or any more free time than the other person, and regards all household costs as joint.

As you are already a mother obviously you need to put your kids interests first and you should not for a moment consider moving in with someone like him while they are still living with you, it would be incredibly bad for them to grow up in a household run on such unequal lines.

get the shopping in and look up a new sexual position to try after he comes home from work......

I’m sorry but this really made me laugh

On the first look of it, his idea about the purchase of his THIRD house looks sensible - 50/50 and going halves.

However there are several flaws to this.

he obv has the money to stump up deposit from his savings, and renting out his other homes will help covering any mortgage. Or he has a house in hand which he can sell. You do not. You just have your home, the equity of which will be needed for your half of the deposit, no doubt

For him, this looks like a good opportunity to expand his portfolio, potentially owning 2.5 properties

If it were about a 'shared lifestyle' there would be no need to purchase a property. You could move into one of the 2 he already has, keep your own home and rent it out to cover costs of that mortgage/give you more income, and you could contribute to the bills of the house you moved into (but not the mortgage as you wouldnt have any claim on this house). He would gain because his monthly outgoings on bills would be halved, and you would still have your home and equity.

His current plan is just not financially viable for you. And even more so because he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. which I fear is the biggest red flag of all. Because actually he wants you to lose your security to fund HIS lifestyle. Because his outgoings are going to be far less, he will get the comforts, no doubt, that come with having a woman in the house (because sadly stereotyped, it does seem that women still pick up the slack).

Honestly, there is no arrangement, legal, financial or otherwise that will win with this man. He loves money more than anything else and you would be MISERABLE living with him and his miserly ways.

The only person he would be happy with is a millionaire.

Get out while you can.

Sorry, OP. But this is not a relationship worth pursuing. He's not seeing you as a family. He's seeing you as a flatmate he shags. Yep this!

I'm pretty sure I would say exactly the same to a bloke in the OP's position. Moving in with the partner as proposed would see the OP financially over-extending themselves. I can't imagine advising a man and his child to move in with a partner if it would see him down to £50 disposable cash a month. That's the cost of a pair of school shoes, never mind school trips.

I wouldn't move in with him under these circumstances. I can understand why he wants to own a house 50/50 but you basically can't really afford to move in with him and pay 50/50 mortgage. This isn't a partnership - I would move on from this guy, I don't think you should be getting so hung up on money like this 5 years down the line.
My DW paid the deposit on our house ( we weren't married at the time) and paid more towards the mortgage as she earned a bit more. We owned the house equally. Then we got married. I had the kids and went part-time time and her career has soared while mine has stayed around the same as I do the kids stuff.
She now earns 6 x 7 x times my salary. Not once has she complained, kept more money to herself, suggested that she owns more of our house that I do, or indicated that she thinks she's paying for my 'lifestyle.' We're partners and all money is our money.
It's not inconceivable that in the future I'll be the one bringing more money to our family, and I'll be more than happy with that because that's what being with some is about ideally - equality.
You need to talk to this guy about money properly, and DO NOT live with him or buy a property with him unless you are married. You may just be incompatible because of this - money/finances can be one of the biggest stresses in a relationship.

OMG he is resentful of your gym membership and he's not even paid for it... even though hes got loads of savings and property ! what would life be like if you really shared it with him? Being watched if you treated yourself...

Sounds like my EX and we were married for 17 years with 3DCs.
He was just obsessed with money. Being married made no difference.
A month before I left him I ended up having to go to a food bank as he refused to buy food for me and DCs.
He offered me the family car as a divorce settlement, that was it.
My solicitor was lost for words at his obsession with money as EXDH argued over every single little thing in the process.
Took me over 2 and a half years to finally get a settlement.
Run away now and do not look back.