To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

I’d find this very off-putting. What are his good sides?

Yes , what originally attracted you to the rich man?

IF you buy with him (and I don't think you should) I would sell it to him on a tenants in common basis with him putting more in.

My husband has much more disposable income than I do, but he pays for all the holidays, etc and if I needed money he would not query it.

He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50

I might be alone in this, but I think this sounds fair to me. You’ve both made choices about career, finances etc and which have left you both in different financial circumstances. I’m usually in favour of everything in one pot money wise, but I’m not clear about why he should subsidise your choice to work 4 days a week or pay more than half the cost of housing you and your child.

In saying that, I’d want to be much clearer about his attitude towards money before I decided to have a baby with him and I’d also want to be married before that happened.

Please don’t make excuses for him.

If he was serious he would say let’s go 50 :50 and we will but together something that you can afford.

But as everyone says; you have a child. Need to think of the future. He sounds not a good idea. Keep living separately.

Should clarify with tenants in common he could have a 65% share against your 35% dependent on your individual deposits.

*ive told him im not after his bloody money! I just want a fair joint life together. If we split i certainly wouldnt be after his dosh! Im insulted he thinks i could be. Hes just seen and heard a lot of stories etc and family members experiences

If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

Wow, how generous.

Why do you find him attractive? Is your NN a clue? None of this sounds very appealing.

If you do what he wants you will effectively be giving away all that you have worked for so far.

At the moment you have a house, you won't have when you throw your lot in with him, you'll have half a house.

At the moment your hme has equity that is yours. If you throw your lot in with him you will lose that equity into the half a house.

At the monent you have living expenses you can afford. If you throw your lot in with him you wil have £50 a month.

What will he lose?

What will he gain?

Think about what he said about any child you may have together... he will 'help you out' during maternity leave! You will never have anything like equal status with this man. He doesn't seem to have any idea of sharing. I hope he has other good characteristics, as you have made him sound quite awful!

"he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!"

This says it all. Dump the selfish twat.

Work put your income and expenditure now reduce by how much you will loose in tax credits by living together. This is the amount you should contribute to the household income, no more. Work out how much profit you will get on your house, deduct stamp duty and fees for your new purchase, this is how much deposit you have for the new house.

If this does not fit with the plan, then it's not a viable option.

His views on 'giving you money while on maternity leave' are not really supportive of having a family so this would be a big concern.

I simply don’t understand why any woman would do this for a man. A partnership is about sharing. It’s about looking after each other and equity in all things including money. If a man wasn’t happy with most money being shared equally regardless of who was earning the majority then it’s not a basis for a successful partnership. A woman settling for this from a secure position wants her head examining.

Please stop making excuses and allowances for him. He clearly is ONLY thinking of himself while you are thinking of a family unit.
His mentality regarding financials is very off putting.

Your priority is your kids which he seems not to factor in. I dont know why you still want to make big changes to your lives when he is showing himself in a very bad light. Imagine if this is him now, and things get more complicated then what?

Dont sell your home! That's for your kids.

Doesn’t matter what any of us think . You’ve asked if it’s fair which already tells us your gut feeling is it isn’t / won’t work for you . You’re financially independent and doing ok - I wouldn’t put that at risk for him . It’s not that I’m critical of him wishing to protect his own assets but he’s not ready to share/ commit - fair enough - don’t buy a property with him yet or even at all . Good luck . If you’re not on the same page then don’t go there just yet would be my advice .

Don’t marry or have a baby with this miser (and don’t move in!). He sounds like the kind of man who, once you’re on maternity leave, will expect you to beg and account for every tiny penny he decides to give you. He sounds joyless.

I’ve always earned more than DH, and we have shared everything since we moved in together. If we ever got divorced he’d walk away with more than he’s (financially) contributed - but so what? A relationship is about more than ££££s.

I missed that bit... Please. Don't get pregnant, don't sell your house. Keep your independence and your gym membership, car finance and all those other lifestyle choices.

Tell him he is a miser and you won't live like that. Tell him he'll never be happy imagining the woman he loves being a gold digger, after his money, living frivolously while he works hard. He'll only ever be a lonely, anxious batchelor!

Think it thorough... do you rally want to live the rest of your life in thrall to a man who not only thinks like that but expects you to find it totally reasonable, doesn't give you a say in it and harbours the fear that you will waltz off with his bank account?

Do not sell your house. Do not give up your financial independence for this man.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

Just think about this - he would be happy for you to support yourself (and presumably your child) on £12.50 a week, when he has £200 a week.

NOOOOOOOO don't do it op!!! You sound very similar to me. I have a partner too and there's no way I will be amalgamating any of our finances / households for many years to come. I love my financial independence, it means a hell of a lot to me as I know I will never have to come up against these issues.

Stay as you are!

It doesn't sound like he would want to get married, unless you signed a prenup? If you did marry without one, all of his assets would be half yours and vice versa.

How long have you been together, what’s his relationship with your child like - I guess what I’m thinking is whether he sees himself having a significant/parental role eg does he consider the three of you to be a family for which he would take on some financial responsibility? I do think it’s reasonable for him to protect his financial position but he sounds tight on a day to day basis, which would drive me crazy.

It is insulting to expect you to give up your happy life with your child, your home and security for this miser.
You are wasting your life with this man, there is no future at all.
He sucks the joy out of life, all he is interested in is acquiring money.

You would be mad to consider a future with him. I would cancel your plans to move in together and tell him why.

If he loves and cherishes you he will want the best for you. He is not the right person to share your life with I’m afraid.

I earned significantly more than my now husband when we moved in together. Not gonna lie, sometimes I resented it (the odd occassion) but no way in hell would I not consider my income as OUR money.

I think you sound pretty comfortably off in your current position and it would be risky to sell your house and buy a new one with him with his attitude towards finances and it doesn’t sound like he would budge either.

OP you are taking on all the risk and none of the reward. You are worse off he will be better

You need to tell him this that you are not after his money but you are not prepared to go into this at a loss