To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

Cut your losses and end it. These things never get resolved. He's happy for you to live on £50 a month (when you have a child who will incur unscripted expenses) whilst he keeps £800. It never ends well. He won't change.

If you have a baby with him, you will be one of those women searching the couch cushions for change whilst he has a full bank account. He will not change. He will grudgingly pay a little more of the mortgage, but he will only pay what's needed after every penny of yours has been taken. He will not change.

Read a few threads on here about men who behaved like this before marriage and children, and the wife thought it would be different but now she has absolutely nothing.

Leave. End it. Move on. Finances break relationships and his rigid, selfish stance makes it even worse... He isn't nice. Don't teach your child that financial abuse is normal. You will be in a terrible state because of his choices. You've made sensible choices for your finances, so stay where you are and just wait for the right partner.

Nope OP don’t do it .. it should rather be equal percentages of each salary/ earnings in a joint pot.. never 50/50 on everything. Why in all heavens name would you want to sell your home that YOU own. That is security for you & your kid!

Think very very carefully before you make any decisions. 🌷

Right now you have financial security for you and your child. If you move in with him, you will be giving this up.

Imagine how it’s going to feel when you’re trying to afford food for your child with your spare £50 while he has £800 for himself.

And if he gives you money, how would he react? Resentful or see it as a loan?

It sounds like a really, really bad idea.

Would you not consider getting married as the main conversation for now? That will tell you if he’s serious about you rather than tying yourself financially to someone who seems more concerned with protecting his money.

Carry on living on your own. He sounds unhelpful and mean with money. If he changed his mind he could marry you and you both buy a house together 50/50. But only if both your money goes into a shared account so 50/50. Otherwise it will never ever work out. Otherwise you'll end up with a baby and stuck without any money and trapped in a house thats also his! My mother always said to never marry a tight man.

I think 50/50 is fine. You could always work full time if you wanted to. However, I think m you're in a very good position right now and not sure why you would consider giving it all up? How does your child feel about this man?

He sounds like a barrel of laughs 🙄.

Him saying he wouldn’t want to ‘fund your lifestyle’ tells you all you need to know.

I couldn’t be with a man like that and I hope you come to your senses and end the relationship. He loves money more than he could ever love anyone else.

How long have you been together?

He has prioritised building a solid foundation and that has required consistent use of character traits and discipline that you (I'm guessing) value in him, which is quite different from being after his money directly.

Maybe he's lost sight of what it was all for,? Or has lived alone too long as was suggested upthread?

I can also see his point about wanting to protect his money that he has worked hard for. However if he is not willing to compromise and be flexible, maybe he shouldn’t be buying a house with a partner who works part-time and has a child. I think you would struggle if you had a child with him re maternity leave etc.

please dont do it. At the moment you are financially independent. pretty soon you will be totally reliant.

The facts that he says he won't be working to fund the lifestyle of the woman he supposedly loves, and would still expect you to contribute to the mortgage even if you couldn't work due to having his baby, speak volumes. You need to think about whether you want to spend the next 50 years with someone who begrudges you and your children every penny.

Do NOT move in with him. EVER. Do NOT have a baby with him. This type of situation never, ever gets better, in fact, they get worse when a baby arrives. NO, NO, NO. However desperate you want another baby, your first priority if your son who's already here, and moving in with this man compromises this child's life immensely. NO.

What do you think?.................... I think he is a selfish asshole and I would think that of anyone who was happy to have their long term partner, particularly a defacto at such a disadvantage. That $50 would easily be eaten up with unexpected expenses. HE IS A JERK.

Partner?

This man is not your partner and does not want to be.

I saw a thread ages ago and a comment was made of "Tight with money, tight with love" and this is the immediate thought I had when I read your message. Keep your independence and security for your child, if marriage happens , I suggest you make sure you have full knowledge of his expectations !

Shortandsweet96
That's one of the most depressing posts I've ever read. Please think about leaving him.

I think he's going to be very rich and very lonely in his old age.

I really suggest you follow the excellent advise so far and keep your independence.

Yeah, 'fund your lifestyle' when he's talking about maternity leave and childcare for his child is a red flag the size of Wales. And your name says it all, you already ARE a mummy. Do NOT allow desperation for another child to compromise your DS's security, he's the only who's already here.

I think 50/50 is ok and could leave you with more money to yourself each money than you currently have.

Eg sell your house for £200k, buy a joint one for £300k, your mortgage will now be LESS and presumably bills also less as you will only be paying 50%.

I would say get married before you have a child though for financial protection.

Just reread OP and see you've been together 3 years.

I'd be upset about his attitude if it's an established relationship. I can understand his concerns, but structuring things as per his proposals would affect dynamics and breed resentment. Paying him back the stamp duty, for example?!!

But he writes a list of what I owe him, then at the end of the month wants that back on top of my 50%. So I've ended up borrowing from him and now I cant get out of the rut of getting back on my feet financially.

Holy shit, Short, that's like being in negative equity on a house, but in a relationship instead!

Take heed, OP, and don't enter into any financial arrangement that will leave you paying 50% when your partner is far better off!

You want the same thing, ie. living together and share the companionship, but you are not on the same level whrn it comes to the level of commitment. You want full comitmrnt, marriage like, we share all and he wants a boyfrirnd/girlfriend type of commitment.

Neither is wrong, after all, would you jump at sharing all what you've earned so far of your partner earned half your income and had little assets? You'd probably be thinking twice at the implications.

Maybe it is just still too early to make the big move of moving in together.

My husbands brother is the same and it works for some ... thankfully for
Me I married the other brother useless with money but let’s me look after it and it hits all the joint house and joint savings ... he has higher disposable income than me
Not that much about £200 a month and I have £50 ( disposable in respect that pays for hair / clothes / gifts and food out ) but it’s how I set it up because I felt it more fair ... if I needed something and he had the money he wouldn’t begrudge helping me anyway.

50/50
Can work and perhaps asking him to change is too much as that’s his stance on finances ... but I would not over extend myself especially as interest rates on mortgages will likely change and you could potentially cripple yourself.

I also wouldn’t personally cut myself off from my other property if it’s early days ( perhaps sell later on in a few years if you do move in ) I would but a lot smaller or wait until child care costs reduced or commitments where less so you could work more on the basis that you still need quality of life and you have a child
To provide far .. or wait until the car fiancé is done ... but explain that you also agree financial
Independence is key and with that in mind you can’t affort to look to move in with him until ....the next 5 years maybe?

If he wants to move things along than he will have to change his use slightly ... perhaps split costs across % of income and if you put less in a house you can have legal agreement he owns more ... on the basis that you keep your old property x x

Well, he won't fund your lifestyle.
Whether your lifestyle is plush and luxurious or just getting by, listen to what he is telling you. And really know that he means it.

You'd be mad to give up your hard earned security for what's on offer with him, OP.

No it's not fair and I wouldn't enter into any kind of financial arrangement with him.