To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

Well, the authors of the benefit system disagree with you.

Couples who live together are expected to support each other (and any children) financially, whether or not they are married and/or biological parents to the children who live there.

A single mother receiving means-tested benefits (such as income support, tax credits or universal credit) would have her benefits stopped if a new partner in paid work moved in, because he would be expected to support the household with his earnings.

IMO, you're a partnership or you're not. You live together and raise children (including stepchildren) and you share finances. If you don't want to do that, you live apart, don't have children, keep separate finances - boyfriend/girlfriend rather than partners.

@Kennehora
At no point was I ‘outraged’.
I was going to write a much lengthier reply, but you appear to have rather an aggressive manner regarding this post, so I won’t bother. Thankfully not everyone has your stance about this, or there would be lots of people remaining on there own and bleeding the benefits system more than necessary. I lost a lot of money when my partner moved in with us, I was worse off with him living here! But, I did it for love. It conquers all, you know 😘

Persephone
👍

'I think you say thanks but no thanks and walk away now ...'

^ This

This does not augur well for a pleasant future with this man. Get rid.
Difficult situation can only get worse.

Good Luck !

'I think you say thanks but no thanks and walk away now ...'

The OP doesn't want to walk away because she wants a second child and cannot afford to pay for it on her own via a sperm donor from what I can gather.

What do others think?

I think you need to leave him. And DO NOT have children with him. Certainly do not sell your house either. He'll make you spend it all on going 50/50 and what when the money is gone? You'll have fuck all of your own.

OP, please listen to Emma : IMO, you're a partnership or you're not. You live together and raise children (including stepchildren) and you share finances. If you don't want to do that, you live apart, don't have children, keep separate finances - boyfriend/girlfriend rather than partners.

@Kennehora
Oh Lordy. You are a one, aren’t you?! 🤣
I said it caused hostility AT TIMES, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him dearly. Mills & Boon are probably your thing if you are looking for the ‘harmonious’ love story. Just because I said I did it for love and that love conquers all, doesn’t mean that there are never arguments or differences of opinion. We have worked through it over the years and are still together (happily), doesn’t mean I have to agree with how it was handled. I am leaving it at that, this isn’t my thread and other posters will be getting bored!

@CoffeeCoffeeTea
I agree with you & Emma, good advice.

I don’t understand relationships like this. It wouldn’t matter who was earning more between me and my partner, we split everything. Inheritance, earnings, savings, debt, etc. Pool it together to get something better- he’s being selfish and greedy. Why does he need £800 of disposable income a month anyway? I’m sure he doesn’t sep d it so he may as well share it with you...what will happen if you have children together? Will you have to beg him to buy nappies when it’s not “his turn”?

Be prepared for things to get worse and financial promises to be reneged on. I remortgaged my tiny flat up to the hilt leaving me short on mortgage payments, agents fees and repairs even after rental income. All for love and to raise 20% deposit for a house for 3 as he only had 15k savings which he promised was to use to pay the stamp duty and legal fees. What did I get for it? Just before the wedding when we were getting ready to finalise the purchase of the house I’m told. Sorry I don’t have the 15k anymore I had to spend it on the limos for all my relatives to attend the wedding. Duuuuh! Was that a warning sign?? Did I listen and run like the wind...no. I got jitters in the wedding car when it was all too late and resigned myself to the fact it would go down in history as a very expensive party for the family. I then endured a life of constant financial humiliation and bullying with wild accusations from a numpteen who couldn’t understand finances and remortgaged at all and insisted he had been paying for both properties. So yes there’s going Dutch and then there’s being a penny pincher for whatever fear and then there’s being a control freak leaving you in financial dire straits and then there’s a total loon. So think hard, which is he before you bring your lovely child and yourself doing so well together into a horrible nightmare.

If you were to buy a house together, I agree with going 50:50, you’d have to buy a house that you both can afford but you’re saying he should want to pay more. But then if it was 70:30 and you split up, you wouldn’t be able to buy him out. What would you actually do then? You’d want to keep the house yourself. (Am ignoring the £50 left over thing as that was only if you rented your house out).
Personally, i’d want to keep your current set up of part time working and owning your own property, so I’d stay put.
if you really want to live together, then either rent first, or live in each other’s house first, you need to know what it’s like and if you could be a team. Most people go from 50:50 to further down the line with children/part time salaries etc so I can see why he’d struggle with you wanting him to put more money in (even though you say you don’t want his money) to support a child that isn’t his/you working part time hours etc but on the other hand, you’ve been together 3 years, this is your life, I’d say join in or get out.