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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s friend sleeping in my bed...

321 replies

BuffetLurker · 17/03/2019 23:07

Not sure if I am BU.

Was away for the weekend. DH had some friends over.

One of them (male) slept in our bed, with him. We have other places to sleep.

He thinks I’m being wildly unreasonable, but I’m quite pissed off - I’d like to think our bedroom is a private space, let alone our actual bed...!

He also didn’t tell me, I found out by accident - he wasn’t going to share this information!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Damntheman · 18/03/2019 07:39

I don't think it's weird at all that two male friends could share a bed without it being sexual.

I also wouldn't be bothered by this scenario at all.

BUT, you mind OP and your feelings matter. I'd chalk this one up to experience and try to let your husband know exactly how uncomfortable it made you feel. Make sure he knows not to do it again and then try to move on.

EeeSheWasThin · 18/03/2019 07:40

DP would sleep on the floor rather than share a bed with another man.

I do think it’s weird when there are other beds available. Why would you? Maybe your DH said sleep in here so we don't have to change the spare bed. Odd though.

When the (grown up) DCs have friends here if we’re away, I admit I’d rather no one slept our bed. I haven’t shared a bed with anyone other than my ex-H or DP for about 20 years.

Shoxfordian · 18/03/2019 07:43

I wouldn't have an issue with it. We have separate bedrooms usually and my bedroom is the spare bed when we have people to stay over so all of his friends and my friends have stayed in it at some stage. Have you asked him not to do it?

AbriaFern · 18/03/2019 07:45

Would I visit my female friend while her husband (who I don’t know) was away, and choose to sleep in my friend’s marital bed instead of the guest bed that was ready for me?

No.

Because that’s weird as fuck. Completely normal if you didn’t have a guest bed ready. Weird as fuck that I would chose to sleep in someone else’s shared bed, in their already used bedding, when a nice clean guest bed had been made ready for my visit.

Unless the guest bed is surrounded by walls of porcelain dolls or killer clown statues.

BasinHaircut · 18/03/2019 07:52

Do I consider it an invasion of privacy for someone other than me or DH to sleep in our bed/room? No.

Do I think it’s a bit odd that when there was another bed available they chose to share? Yeah a bit.

adaline · 18/03/2019 07:54

I don't think it's weird at all. But then I don't get the sanctity that MN places on bedrooms sometimes. I'm really not bothered if people come and look in my bedroom or sit on my bed.

cushioncovers · 18/03/2019 07:57

Depends if they got into bed together sober or whether they were both pissed and the friend just collapsed onto your bed as it was the nearest one and he didn't realise there were other available.

Biancadelrioisback · 18/03/2019 07:58

Why is it so weird for men to share a bed? So many people saying their DH would rather sleep on the floor than share a bed with a man. Are they worried it will make them gay? That they might like it? They would really rather be uncomfortable than risk it? That's fucking worrying.
My DH wouldn't care. He'd sleep wherever looks comfortable (providing he has been offered).
OP if your DH offered his mate to share the bed then I suppose you need to discuss your own boundaries with this and ask him not to do it again. Clearly his boundaries are different than yours and as it is 50% his bed he does get to have a say.
Anyway, it's done now, all you can do is have a sensible conversation about it, change the sheets and move on with your life. Literally nothing else you can do!

covetingthepreciousthings · 18/03/2019 08:01

Also interested to know how you found out about the bed sharing?

I'd find this weird considering there was another ready made bed available.

How many people stayed over?

cushioncovers · 18/03/2019 08:03

Maybe the friend has a secret crush on you and wanted to sniff your pillow all night 😂

adaline · 18/03/2019 08:05

DP would sleep on the floor rather than share a bed with another man.

Why? What does he think will happen?!

StealthPolarBear · 18/03/2019 08:09

" Maybe your DH said sleep in here so we don't have to change the spare bed. Odd though."
But then they'd have to change the op's bed. Same work either way

rumptifizzer · 18/03/2019 08:11

I wouldn't like it and would be livid when there were other options available. However the first thing I though was perhaps your husband is bi sexual or gay. In my experience I've not met many men young or old who would bed share, especially not when there's other beds available. Me and my girlfriends however will happily go away for a weekend and bed share.

The fact that he didn't tell you would make me a bit suspicious. He's knowingly done something he knew you would like. I think there's not to it.

rumptifizzer · 18/03/2019 08:12

wouldn't like. More to it. Sorry for typos!

RockinHippy · 18/03/2019 08:16

I'd do my absolute nut over this. If DH wants to share a bed with his mate they can sleep in the spare room. My bed, my space, get your sweaty hairy arse out of it 🤷🏼‍♀️

wineandroses1 · 18/03/2019 08:19

Agree with AbriaFern. Why would they share your bed with its used sheets instead of friend using a nice clean guest bed? Most odd.
And Grin at porcelain dolls and killer clown statues Grin

ItsAMooPoint · 18/03/2019 08:20

Honestly, just change the bedding. I can't imagine getting so worked up about something like this. I doubt very much that your husband's friend was interested in your bedroom. He was probably pissed and fell straight to sleep. You do sound awfully precious.

My bed, my house, not welcome to sleep there

Oh it's also your husband's bed, your husband's house and your husband's choice as much as yours and you weren't even there. Or were you expecting him to call you first for permission?

Sorry OP but I think it's a really odd thing to get so hysterical about.

QueenofmyPrinces · 18/03/2019 08:21

I find this really odd....

Posters suggesting they were just drunk and crashed out whilst chatting and chilling???? What???

In what scenario would a man (OP’s DH) say to a male friend, “Why don’t we go and chill out in my bedroom?” Confused

Isn’t that what living rooms are for??

I would feel exactly the same if was two women.

If I had been out with a friend and then she suggested we go to her bedroom when we got back to her house I would think it very, very strange....

And yes, there are double standards and sometimes things are just different for men and women but I can’t think of any man who would suggest to his male friend that they go upstairs to the main bedroom just to chill and chat.... Hmm

ItsAMooPoint · 18/03/2019 08:24

Would I visit my female friend while her husband (who I don’t know) was away, and choose to sleep in my friend’s marital bed instead of the guest bed that was ready for me?

My friend would probably invite me to so we can have a good natter before going to sleep.

I've always shared beds with friends and I've never ended up gay (which sounds exactly like what some of the comments here are suggesting!).

Or is it only when the person in question is a man that it must mean something sexual?

AfterSchoolWorry · 18/03/2019 08:24

I'd be annoyed, especially because there were other beds available.

I'd never bed share with a.friend, unless there was no other option. But maybe that's a generational thing, as I see a lot of people on the thread do.

I'd also wonder exactly what took place.

Luckingfovely · 18/03/2019 08:30

I'm so amazed this thread is split so evenly. I'm firmly in the 'this is as weird as hell and a total invasion' camp, but clearly it's not like that to many people. Fascinating.

cuppycakey · 18/03/2019 08:32

It’s weird that it’s our bed, in our bedroom, with all of my personal effects etc around

I don't understand this at all - do you have issues with someone seeing your brand of face cream or something? Confused Sorry but I just don't get it.

However, if there were other bedrooms/beds available, I would assume they slept together to be intimate.

ItsAMooPoint · 18/03/2019 08:36

What reason has your DH given as to why he didn't offer/take the spare room?

I just don't get all the preciousness around a bed. Just change the sheets.

Unless you had S&M items hanging from the walls and your underwear on full display, I'm not sure what personal affects you're so concerned about? Plus surely your husband was in the room the entire time and didn't notice his friend rummaging through your laundry basket?

More likely just two blokes who fell asleep pissed. Doesn't have to be something so sinister.

QueenofmyPrinces · 18/03/2019 08:44

More likely just two blokes who fell asleep pissed. Doesn't have to be something so sinister.

But why were they together in the bedroom in the first place though???

In what scenario would a conversation have taken place that involved the OP’s partner innocently inviting his friend into the bedroom?

Is there something fascinating in your bedroom OP that your DH may have desperately wanted to show his friend which led them to be up there together?? Because if not, I’m not sure why they were both in the bedroom when there were plenty of other places for them to “chill out in” and spare rooms for his friend to sleep in....

I might ask my DH what he would do if he was at his mates house after a night out and then got invited into to his mate’s bedroom...

Maybe there is an innocent explanation as to why they were together in the bedroom and then slept in the same bed though. Only the OP’s partner knows what happened that night.

And the OP knows her partner better than any of us and so if she isn’t suspicious then I guess there’s nothing sinister to it.

nettie434 · 18/03/2019 08:46

Think it was more likely they decided they didn’t want to worry about changing the sheets on the spare bed. Lots of people share rooms/beds without any interest in having sex with the other person in the room. Husband’s friend probably too drunk to notice anything personal anyway.

Unless the guest bed is surrounded by walls of porcelain dolls or killer clown statues.
Aargh, AbriaFern can’t get this out of my brain now. Grin