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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s friend sleeping in my bed...

321 replies

BuffetLurker · 17/03/2019 23:07

Not sure if I am BU.

Was away for the weekend. DH had some friends over.

One of them (male) slept in our bed, with him. We have other places to sleep.

He thinks I’m being wildly unreasonable, but I’m quite pissed off - I’d like to think our bedroom is a private space, let alone our actual bed...!

He also didn’t tell me, I found out by accident - he wasn’t going to share this information!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Dramatical · 18/03/2019 00:18

Pretty unusual for straight men to bed share, are you sure he isn’t gay/bisexual?

Yes. That must be it. He is gay.

TowelNumber42 · 18/03/2019 00:22

I would not like it either. Fortunately DH would hate it even more so it will never happen.

Drogosnextwife · 18/03/2019 00:25

Do you have guest-only sofas and dining chairs? Guest-only toilets and cutlery?

What??

Mintychoc1 · 18/03/2019 00:28

This feels like some kind of parallel universe. None of my male friends would ever share a bed with a male mate if there were other beds available. It’s just weird.

BMW6 · 18/03/2019 00:39

Not odd if it was the only bed in the home, very odd as there was a bed to himself available!
DH thinks the same - WTF

RugbyRugby · 18/03/2019 00:40

+1 for likely bisexual.

It's weird to have a non-partner in the marital bed full stop. The only reason that would generally happen is an affair. If it was a woman friend what would you think?

No reason to apply double standards.

Bisexual drunken shag.

Tavannach · 18/03/2019 00:40

Meh, maybe a little bit odd. Maybe, but not worth getting worked up about.
I think he should have offered to change the sheets, and your DH should definitely have done so.

Ginseng1 · 18/03/2019 00:42

I wouldn't care but very very odd if other beds available unless they totally twisted n just crashed out whilst talking or something. What was his way of justifying it?

SkinnyPete · 18/03/2019 00:42

^ This

I'd share a bed with another guy only if it was the last option for a bed.

Still think OP IBU for having a problem with someone else sleeping in her bed though. It's just a bed.

Gone4Good · 18/03/2019 00:43

OP doesn't have a problem with her husband sharing a bed with his friend, she just didn't want the friend in her bed. This being the case, her husband should have joined his friend in the guest room.

greenlynx · 18/03/2019 00:50

I could imagine them drinking/smoking/chatting and then just falling asleep. I don’t think it’s unusual or that they’re gay. And it’s your DH’s bedroom as well. He probably was the one who wanted to chat. But saying this I wouldn’t like this at all for the same reason - privacy.
Your DH should tell you about this by himself. You probably feel worse because you found out by accident.
I would hide all precious and personal stuff in your bedroom next time to feel more relaxed. It’s the only way. You can’t control the situation when you are away.

Squigglesworth · 18/03/2019 02:08

I think it's weird, personally, and no, I wouldn't like it. I'd ask him not to do that again and expect him to honor my wishes. Why do that when there were other beds ready and waiting?

PregnantSea · 18/03/2019 02:45

I really can't imagine my DH sharing his bed with a make friend unless he really needed to... Still, I don't think this is a big deal as long as he changed the sheets. I wouldn't really care.

However it's as much your room as it is his so if you feel strongly about it then tell him that you're not ok with it so he can make sure it doesn't happen again.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2019 03:05

How did you "accidently" find out your husband shared your bed with his friend? I'm enormously curious.

strawberrisc · 18/03/2019 03:17

I’m immensely curious as to what privacy he was invading. I’d love to rummage through your drawers.

steff13 · 18/03/2019 03:22

Do people often drink/smoke/chat with their friends in bed? My friends and I usually sit on the couch. I would think it was odd if one of them suggested we get in her bed to do those things.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/03/2019 03:45

The thing is, OP, it doesn’t matter what we think. You don’t like it, so just explain that to your gay husband.

WonderWorm · 18/03/2019 04:04

Was it really a friend who slept in the bed or is it a cover?

Oneweekleft · 18/03/2019 04:25

Considering there were other beds available YANBU and your dh should have at least changed the sheets.

TakenForSlanted · 18/03/2019 04:40

I've shared beds with lots of female friends - and occasionally male ones before they all got married; death by furious wife isn't all that high on my listvof priorities - and still would.

What's more, back in the aftermath of the 2008 crash, my employer had a policy that non-executive level staff were to share hotel rooms with another employee of the same sex for a while. So not only have I shared a bed with friends, I've spent dozens of nights in one with complete strangers who, AFAIK, had nothing in common with me except the same employer. Amazingly enough, I'm still alive.

FWIW, the second example led to one of my colleagues and his best mate (they'd known each other since nursery, so not a simple work thing) sharing rooms until long after they'd been promoted to executive. Both married. Both decidedly heterosexual. They just liked the scout camp vibe of having a late night chat and no crying babies. Grin

wotsittoyou · 18/03/2019 05:07

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with friends sharing. But I gather that your AIBU is about whether he was wrong to allow somebody to sleep in your bed after you had made it clear to him that you didn't want this to happen. YANBU on this score. Your side of the bed belongs to you and nobody should sleep in it unless you let them. You don't need a big fancy reason - you can just say "That place on the bed is MINE and nobody sleeps there unless I say so!".

It isn't unreasonable to want one single private space in the world when it's possible for you to have it.

lboogy · 18/03/2019 05:22

I wouldn't want anyone sleeping in my bed other than close family. Definitely not a friend. My DH would never share a bed with another man unless there was no where else to sleep. Did your DH explain why sleeping together was the first choice and not the last when you have other places he could have slept?

BarryTheKestrel · 18/03/2019 05:52

I wouldn't have a problem with this. I'd trust that DH wouldn't allow friends who would consider rummaging around in my stuff as a suitable friend let alone bed sharer. Nothing on display in my room is of note.

Any given weekend morning if you happen to visit my DBro you are likely to find at least one of his mates in his bed. His girlfriend goes to visit a sick relative every Saturday and stays overnight so it's often free. Him and his friends are all on the same sporting team so are all far too comfortable with each other but are honestly the closet and strongest group of mates.

OP, you can't change it now. Tell DH you'd rather it doesn't happen in future and ask that he change the bed.

JenniferJareau · 18/03/2019 05:56

I think it's very odd. There were other beds in other rooms made up he could have used so to sleep together in your room seems very strange to me.

Shoveitupyourbum · 18/03/2019 05:56

I wouldn't like that either, op. I hate the thought of someone else in my bed

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