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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s friend sleeping in my bed...

321 replies

BuffetLurker · 17/03/2019 23:07

Not sure if I am BU.

Was away for the weekend. DH had some friends over.

One of them (male) slept in our bed, with him. We have other places to sleep.

He thinks I’m being wildly unreasonable, but I’m quite pissed off - I’d like to think our bedroom is a private space, let alone our actual bed...!

He also didn’t tell me, I found out by accident - he wasn’t going to share this information!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Vynalbob · 19/03/2019 18:40

It is weird. The only possible excuse is pxxxed to the point of unconsciousness. And even then you are right.

Ellyess · 19/03/2019 18:56

BuffetLurker. I understand. About the privacy. I think men are just different, especially when they've been drinking. They're lazy. I can imagine two mates seeing it as an easy option and thinking you'd never know so it would be ok.

He knows now anyway and I do think your feelings matter. I agree about privacy. I'm widowed now and still wouldn't like anyone using my bedroom unless I had got it ready for them - moving my personal stuff first.
Oh and in case that raises eyebrows, I haven't got any sexy stuff. I meant my photos and books and some of my tumbled stones - the latter I get teased about so if I let my married DD and her DH stay there I move those! As for people asking how did the OP know? I can smell different people when they've stayed in beds at my house, and men smell really strongly, which I don't like much so I keep separate pillows for them!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/03/2019 19:06

I'd hate this as well as finding it odd.

I couldn't stand the thought of someone else in my bed - I know it's stupid, but I can't even sleep on DH's side, and it makes me feel shuddery if he goes for a nap and I find he's rolled onto my side. It's almost a phobia (I don't mind the dogs sleeping on my side, though Grin/

AccioUsername · 19/03/2019 19:10

The amount of people saying that it's weird that they're men is really, really sad. That it must be an indicator that he's gay is absolutely nuts! What on earth is wrong with friends sharing a bed?!
And the person that said they might have had girls back?! Get a grip for goodness sake, seriously.
I wouldn't be bothered, it's just a bed. The pearl clutching, 'oh no, not the marital bed' is utterly ridiculous.
However, if he knew you would hate it and did it anyway and deliberately then it's out of order.

Ellyess · 19/03/2019 19:10

Just remembered! Admittedly we weren't sleeping there all night -perish the thought!
I took DD and her DH-to-be back to flat she shared with him for Uni. Decided to watch film. Flat more of a one room plus kitchen and bathroom affair - so we get on the bed, with the take-away actually. After an hour I said "I've just realised this is X's worst nightmare - He goes to turn over and kiss his beloved in bed and in between them is his mother-in-law!"

Ellyess · 19/03/2019 19:14

AccioUsername I agree entirely. It's potty that people can only think it must be for sex. That's rubbish! If they were sexually attracted they would have done that before elsewhere etc. Men are just a bit lazy and take the easiest and quickest solution. Especially when drunk.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 19/03/2019 19:16

I'd hate it and yadnbu op. I get the not having random people in my bed.
Also think it's vvvv weird that they chose to share.
Also perplexed by typical bloody mumsnet parallel universe.
Ps also think your husband is a) lying b) bicurious, at least.

happymum12345 · 19/03/2019 19:22

I would be very upset if my dh slept with another man in our bed. Did he say why?

bmbonanza · 19/03/2019 19:24

The stuff that was around - like 'bras or embarrasing junk' wouldnt bother me at all if someone saw it, but someone sleeping in my bed would be a definite no!

neveradullmoment99 · 19/03/2019 19:25

Oh no...that is weird.
Are you sure he is telling you everything?

Halloumimuffin · 19/03/2019 19:32

When I was at uni I lent my bed to four of my male friends who all slept top and tail and side by side in my double. They are all still heterosexual.

In fact, I remember one incident where a male friend was bothered because another had crawled into the same airbed as him when pissed. The general consensus was that the bothered friend was the strange one and must be insecure in his masculinity. Still firmly in the 'totally normal' camp.

winniestone37 · 19/03/2019 19:38

yeah weird if there are other beds, I'm v private about my bed too, different folks different strokes. If it upsets you it upsets you.

winniestone37 · 19/03/2019 19:39

@Halloumimuffin crawling into bed as an adult with anyone when you haven't been invited is horrible and weird.

Sexnotgender · 19/03/2019 19:43

It’s definitely weird if there are other made up beds available! We’ve got a guest room and I’d much rather guests stayed in their than sleep in my bed.

Honestly who shares a bed in this situation when you can get one to yourself and starfish!

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2019 19:45

Op, are you saying that there was other beds available and your husband and his friend chose to spend the night together in thr marital bed?

This is very strange indeed, I'm unsure why you don't think it's weird, because it is. I know of no adult men who would do this, when other beds are available.

Are you sure your this man is just a friend and not a lover?

ILiveForNachos · 19/03/2019 19:51

Genuinely baffled by people’s responses. When my husband and his mates get together and really drink they all just end up sleeping where they fall. It’s been that way since they were all at uni. They wouldn’t have even considered the logistics of other beds. There are so many ways it could have happened but I’m not going to give them because there isn’t anything to justify because it isn’t weird to share a bed!

People suggesting sharing with a male friend is odd/must be bisexual/ must have had women over makes me really sad. Why do we judge men that way but not women??

Having said all that. I still would have felt a bit put out someone has slept in my bed but that’s just because I hate sharing my bed with anyone really (even my husband 😂).

Halloumimuffin · 19/03/2019 19:57

It's because outdated gender stereotypes dictate that men can't have the kind of friendships that women enjoy, and must live in fear of ever coming into contact with another man as apparently that makes everyone think they're gay. It's very sad and no way to be.

bmbonanza · 19/03/2019 20:06

I wouldnt be giving a stuff about my husband sleeping in the same bed as a bloke, that would be a non issue. It would be the thing of the bloke sleeping in MY bed that would gross me out!

Serin · 19/03/2019 20:09

God, I would kill anyone for drinking from my cup, let alone sleeping in my bed. DH is just about tolerable, DD at a push (like if the world had ended and it was the only bed left).
I'm quite territorial.

DitheringBlidiot · 19/03/2019 20:13

I have never heard the phrase marital bed used in real life before. This is a real eye opener and not in a good way. My brothers share new with their mates and they are 30/35. Both heterosexual

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2019 20:17

When my husband and his mates get together and really drink they all just end up sleeping where they fall.

Well unless the two of them went to bed together qnd drank there, and fell asleep, they didn't sleep where they fell did they?

And the point here is there was other beds available in the house and these two men chose to share the marital bed and sleep together,

It doesn't matter how many people grab their judgey pants and shout about gender stereotypes, most adult men do not do this and would not consider it, if there was a guest bed available.

GrumbleBumble · 19/03/2019 20:39

Well unless the two of them went to bed together qnd drank there, and fell asleep, they didn't sleep where they fell did they? Well that's the thing - we don't know. There could be a games console, music system, PC, TV with Netflix/Sky/the next next episode of a box set ready to watch that was the reason they were the in the bedroom where they then fell asleep. But the OP hasn't told us if there is anything like that, what reason (if any) her OH has given or how she accidentally found out so we'll never know!

SirVixofVixHall · 19/03/2019 20:55

I am very possessive of my lovely pillow and duvet. I would really hate some sweaty, drunken, hairy beast to be in there, on my side of the bed. Uhhhggggh, no.
Your DH should have sent him to the spare room, or if they wanted to drunkenly ramble on about something, then he could have stayed in the spare with him.
I am not bothered by men sharing a bed, but I don’t want some strange man in mine ! I am a slattern, but I would have to wash the pillow and everything.

( partly this is based on a friend of dh staying in his flat when dh was away, while we were still dating. When I next stayed over I couldn’t sleep as I could smell this friend on the pillow and duvet. It was most unnerving. He had a strong natural scent and it had permeated everything , i kept thinking he was in the room ! )

kamelo · 19/03/2019 20:59

Whilst it wouldn't bother me personally it clearly does bother the OP so no, you're not being unreasonable.
As for all the rest of what people have posted about being wierd, gay/bi, body fluids, smells, etc. Wow, I guess women are pretty sexist too..

Halloumimuffin · 19/03/2019 21:09

Everyone shouting that 'most adult men' wouldn't do this have been given multiple examples of adult men who absolutely do.

Perhaps we should stop trying to reassure the OP and just tell her that her husband must be gay and having an affair eh. If she is bothered by someone sleeping in her bed that's find but making it into some huge drama is ridiculous.