AIBU to cut friend out because of this?

[alessandrae83]

To cut a long story short, me and my friend have been friends for around 10 years. We both have 2 children who are all the same ages and in the same years at school. Her child recently wound my son up at school and he reacted and threatened her with telling me and said I would sort her out. Not saying threats is the right behaviour but her child came out that same day before my son and told me he had threatened her for no reason. Turned out, as I said that it wasn't for no reason and she had been mean all day with her friends to him. I was upset that she would lie to me when she knew me but I know she's just a child. I said I would speak to my friend about the situation. The next day I didn't take the children to school so my husband bumped into my friend instead and he had words. Her daughter cried over being caught out and when my husband left, my friend reported my husband to the school without mentioning it to me before, during or after. I found out when school called about my husband apparently making a child cry on site. He said he only had a quiet word. Am I wrong to be upset that she didn't talk to me first after such a close friendship if she didn't agree with what he said? She tried to carry on as if she hadn't done it. I ignored her and she chose to keep her distance since which proves how much I'm worth to her right? That's the end of the friendship. We've had some very off/on/strange things happen in these 10 years but mainly been very close.

DoneLikeAKipper
Op said it was recent. That thread was the end of November last year. So relatively recent. It sounds like the same thing, no?

Oh and I’d like to revise my comment about her taking the other person’s side, if it’s to do with her partner coming onto you, can you not see what a difficult position she was in? She doesn’t sound very well equipped to deal with the scenario of her man coming onto you. So that I’d chalk up to experience.

Your husband sounds even more horrible now. Talking so badly about a woman, who’s being disrespected by her partner as well.

Op said it was recent. That thread was the end of November last year. So relatively recent. It sounds like the same thing, no?

If it’s the same thing, why post about it twice in 5 months? Especially since the op makes no mention to the thread last year.

If your husband approached meningitis front of my child, after ignoring me and telling his kids to ignore me and tried to intimidate me and my child, over a children's squabble, I would have done more than reported him to the school.

A grown man intimidating a woman and child? Either I would send my child in and then rip him a new one. Or, more sensibly call the police. And yes the police woild do something and my kids school would support that action.

Your husband is disgusting. Does he feel all big and manly that he made a child cry? Does he feel good when he drags his kids into it adult issues by telling them to ignore an adult, because he doesnt like the adult?

And you think she is the problem?

I wonder if your child that throws around threats, gets it from their father.

mummy it's not the only reason. Maybe it's just as OP said - that they were friends of 10 years standing and he wanted it nipped in the bud with a quiet word. PPs are jumping to faulty conclusions as it isn't clear at all that DH "made child cry", as is equally feasible she cried, possibly when Friend was also speaking to her, having been caught out! Children do that, especially the ones prone to telling fake tales!

My middle DD always tries tears when caught out. I cuddle her but don't let it derail from original point of her not great or manipulative behaviour. It's a judgement call and I don't think we help our children by letting them evade responsibility if they've been unkind or taunting.

I think OP would be best to tell DS to steer clear of FriendDD and walk away each time/tell teacher. She'll start in someone else in the class soon as what a great game for her.

@Frenchmontana

I can tell you exactly what the police would say !! Lol!
They'd say, talking politely to another parent isn't a crime, and give her a polite version of "grow up/don't waste police time". So many misassumptions....

OffToBedhampton have you missed all the ops posts about her husband.

His attitude, his gas lighting, his thinking of himself, him telling his kids to ignore the woman, everyone else thinking he is standoff ish, people being concerned about how he treats the OP?

His treatment of the OP is why the friend doesnt like him. What a coincidence, he chose to confront a woman he usually ignores, a woman who doesnt like the shitty way he treats his wife.

It's almost like he saw a reason to have a go at her, for her pointing out that he isnt a decent person.

Obviously your DH is wrong. He approached a woman who has complained about his behaviour in the past and is apparently a known drama queen. Why? What on earth was he hoping to achieve?

A couple of kids have had a minor disagreement. Your DS is at the very least partly to blame by threatening the girl. Any normal person would either discuss it with the school or let it go and it will probably be forgotten.

You complain about your friend not talking to you but you didn't either - you escalated a minor playground disagreement and your DH who you already know she doesn't get on with start an argument on the playground about it. Completely ridiculous thing to do.

All your talk of "manipulation" is insane. Maybe the little girl told tales. Lots of children do. You just say "don't tell tales" and carry on with your life.

OffToBedhampton

Hmmm not they wouldn't. Clearly you dont know what you are talking about. Intimidation isnt ok. And yes the police can be called and yes the police can have a word.

You dont know what you are talking about. Were you there? This man, from the ops description, talking politely and upset both the friend and her daughter.

You saw the conversation? Given the ops description of this angry man, talking to a woman he hates....you are 100% sure it was a polite conversation.

That woman has a right to drop her chodm at school without being intimated by this man

Hhhhmmmm

After reading your other thread makes me wonder about your 'friendships' your husband sounds dreadful.

@OffToBedhampton

Don't be silly. He hates this woman so much he told his kids to ignore her and yet he thought that he'd have a lovely polite word with her and it would all be resolved nicely? No one is stupid enough to believe that (I'm starting to suspect OP is posting under numerous usernames).

If your husband approached meningitis front of my child, after ignoring me and telling his kids to ignore me and tried to intimidate

I'd say meningitis would be a whole new ball game

@Frenchmontana

I have RTFT, have you? I've just looked at the known facts as my role is complex investigations. You strip away all that isn't relevant and conjecture, and in this instance it's clear that Friend and FriendsDD are the issue. The background in Friend and DH is helpful but doesn't over ride the known facts. At no point has OP said DH shouted or acted in a harrassing way to child or friend. It was after-school pick up and there would have been plenty witnesses if he had. Lack of evidence is as important as actual evidence.

I'm not posting under lots of usernames at all. I'm asking again because I'm doubting myself. Some would say that speaks volumes but I have a lot of social anxiety and I always doubt myself about social situations. I'm not sure whether she was right, he was right, both were right in some way, both were wrong or I'm to blame for everything. She was my only friend so may be I let her get away with too much in the past but equally DH isn't a saint so I don't know whether I'm right or wrong in the situation. It's probably too late now anyway but I'm trying to at least eliminate some of the confusion I feel since it all happened.

@Crsipsandwiches

So many assumptions. There is plenty to suggest DH would be right to tell Op to ignore Friend if she is a known drama queen and a bit toxic & manipulative at times. And they've stayed friends, so plenty to indicate he thought at the time it was right thing to do, if you look at what OP related he said. That wasn't an unkind or berating chat at all. That's why those who do investigations for statutory agencies , schools, police etc stick to the facts.

OffToBedhampton the facts are that the husband us a nasty and abusive man. Gas lighting is abusive. That's what the OP has stated that he does. She has also labelled him angry.

She has also said that he tells his children to ignore the woman. Because he doesnt like that she called him out on his shitry behaviour.

The OP wasnt there. The facts she knows is that the child was upset and someone reported it to the school. If this woman did, and she said she felt intimidated, why would you believe her. Given the mans own wife is giving facts about his shitty behaviour. If someone else did, then clearly he was intimidating

Maybe there are witnesses. Maybe they went with her to report it, which is why the school are acting on it. You dont actually know that no one has come forward.

You are picking some 'facts' out and leaving loads of other 'facts' the OP has given out.

It common behaviour of abusers, to try and punish anyone who stands up to them.

You might want to read the thread again

Hmm look at that. The husband trying to freeze out the ops only friend.....who stood up to him.

How unusual.

Offtobedhampton
If the guy doesn’t realise how intimidating he is, it’s about time it was pointed out to him. I’d be surprised if he has no inkling. Either he doesn’t care or he has a terrible lack of self awareness. In any case he absolutely doesn’t care about ops friends. He is totally disrespectful about her so why would he have any qualms about disrespecting her to her face?

Perhaps you don’t know anyone like this. My friends mother remarried a man, who was very standoffish but a nice guy underneath and I found him intimidating. I can imagine others did too. He was one of these people, whose mood dictated the room. My friends mother used to take the piss out of him about it but from piecing snippets together, things got very unpleasant with his ex. If this guy had decided to have words with someone, who finds him intimidating I’d think him a complete dickhead.

And you don’t nip something in the bud like this. Once again the correct procedure is to inform the class teacher. So yes, only reason.

I’ve just seen your last post. She was your only friend. Reach out to her. You need friends. I also think therapy would be good.

OP, don't be confused and don't mix up issues. Your DH's general behaviour towards you is separate issue as the facts you related here indicate that Friend went too far and probably enjoyed drama too much. I think you'd be better finding new healthier friends.

Overall I think you need to draw a line under that event and work out how you can listen more to what you believe is right in how both friends or your DH treat you, as that friend sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. So keep posting if it helps.

If you think your DH is becoming or behaving emotionally abusive (separate to this issue) then seek support with that in itself about what he does to you, as you'll get plenty of DA (domestic abuse) advice.

As for OP I worry about you. Reach out to your friend, don't allow yourself to be isolated. Do you have any other support network?

Background in complex investigations, but takes what someone who wasnt there says as fact. Even when that same person says he acts in an abusive manner?

@Miniaggaddiction
Oh grow up!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I am who I say I am, I'm just unimpressed with all the silly mis-assumptions and reactive conclusions in here. Which would lose my colleagues and I our careers, if we carried out investigations in the way anonymous posters on here seem to want to !! (without looking at the genuine known facts as relayed). Silly school gate gossip on this thread. Thank goodness those who do work in related fields have better training & supervision than that!

OP, don't be confused and don't mix up issues. Your DH's general behaviour towards you is separate issue as the facts you related here indicate that Friend went too far and probably enjoyed drama too much. I think you'd be better finding new healthier friends.

The facts dont indicate that at all.

How he acts towards people is a huge part of this. If you are an aggressive person that like to intimidate people, the chances are you were aggressive and intimidated the person who says you did.

I wonder how much of the ops negative opinions alhave actually been formed by her husband. Him pointing these things out, him telling her that her only friend likes a bit of drama etc.

Isolation from any supports is a basic tool used by abusers.