AIBU to cut friend out because of this?

[alessandrae83]

To cut a long story short, me and my friend have been friends for around 10 years. We both have 2 children who are all the same ages and in the same years at school. Her child recently wound my son up at school and he reacted and threatened her with telling me and said I would sort her out. Not saying threats is the right behaviour but her child came out that same day before my son and told me he had threatened her for no reason. Turned out, as I said that it wasn't for no reason and she had been mean all day with her friends to him. I was upset that she would lie to me when she knew me but I know she's just a child. I said I would speak to my friend about the situation. The next day I didn't take the children to school so my husband bumped into my friend instead and he had words. Her daughter cried over being caught out and when my husband left, my friend reported my husband to the school without mentioning it to me before, during or after. I found out when school called about my husband apparently making a child cry on site. He said he only had a quiet word. Am I wrong to be upset that she didn't talk to me first after such a close friendship if she didn't agree with what he said? She tried to carry on as if she hadn't done it. I ignored her and she chose to keep her distance since which proves how much I'm worth to her right? That's the end of the friendship. We've had some very off/on/strange things happen in these 10 years but mainly been very close.

I think it’s a good thing your husband spoke to her and what he said sounds appropriate. Children don’t like being caught out and crying is part of that. Your child needs you to stand up for them. Hopefully the little girl will learn to be kinder.
The mother sounds rather manipulative going straight to school.

Do you feel intimidated by your husband too?

Cross posted with you OP and PP @bullyingadvice2017 above who also put it well

Now you've added in what DH said, that adds fuller picture and as Friend agreed with him!!
IME if a parent is aggressive as Friend had described on school grounds other parents would have witnessed and reported it. And intervened. As would teachers nearby. So it didn't ring true that DH had been so aggressive he's made FriendDD's cry and only Friend had heard/reported it!! Also he spoke to Friend not FriendDD alone, many PPs misunderstood that.

It seems like FriendsDD has manipulated everyone 3 times now including the crying at being caught out.

I'd be disgusted at Friend for joining in the bullying by trying to get DH in trouble with school, as she's not teaching her DD to take responsibility and seems rather manipulative herself.

Ensure that your DH has his side heard to school, be brief. But also tell DH to protect himself next time.

Report FriendDD's bullying & taunting now, and that she's lied once about it to an adult already, as she may target DS or others again. Tell DS to steer clear of her.

Please try not to fall out over the kids....I could have fallen out several times with my friend over our ds, but they went home and told their parents an edited version of events, and conveniently forgot to mention the things they did!

1. You have both been utterly over-involved in playground nonsense; there was no need for anyone to have a word about anything.

1. You’ve lost another friend because of your husband; he is the problem.

God I can't believe you've all created such a drama over this. When the girl came out you should have said "it isn't nice to tell tales, if there's a problem tell the teacher at the time". Then let the whole thing go. Parents approaching other parents (especially ones they already don't get on with) or other people's kids about incidents at school is silly in the extreme. Everyone takes their own child's side and nothing is resolved. If you're seriously concerned (and in this case there would be no need to be by the sounds of it) go in and discuss it with the teacher who can listen to both sides of the story and try to resolve it.

It's not surprising kids can't get along when the parents are behaving like this!

Grow up. All of you.

If friend is intimated by the DH she might well have agreed her dd lied to get him away.
We only have the op's ds' word that she had "taunted him all day", so he could just as well be making that up to get her into trouble.

@GettinTrimmer
That's a very fair point. And one is usually suggest. But in this case -

But Friend is the one causing/leading the falling out and hasn't behaved well at all.

OP's DH merely had a chat saying look Friend your DD is trying to involve us but she omitted what she did. It does sound like DH was trying to nip it in bud quickly, even if it didn't work.

Friend is one that told an exagorared story about an adult to school. First friends DD lies then her Mum does! Eeeek.

OP YANBU to be upset at Friends behaviour. She should have spoken to you as that is what normal good friends do. It's rather disappointing to see so many PPs jump on OP when she's vulnerable and jump to so many now obviously mistaken assumptions.

Well, I for one cannot think of any reasons why a man who has spent years filling your head with manipulative nonsense about your friend and openly telling your children to ignore her would possibly lie about what actually happened...

You're dependent on him, and he's deliberately isolating you from any other support network. Nothing to see here.

Sounds like your husband is an arsehole and everyone else is aware of this but you! If my friends husband approached me and my child and made my child cry I would be furious, I think you have fences to mend!

@Witchend 🙄🙄

It seems unlikely DS would have said what he did to FriendDD without any provocation. I think you are reaching with that leap!!

Overall, it could have been, but wasn't, dealt with differently but Friend escalated it. Two adults who are friends if 10 years have a friendly chat and one adult goes running to tell exagorarated tales to school ??

she chose to keep her distance since

^ yeah I don't think you need to worry about 'cutting her out', seems like she's already decided to cool the friendship.

Your friend ‘apparently ‘ agreed.
According to your DH.
Who was having a full on go at her child (as in listing all her alledgef misdemeanours)

Can I ask how you know the girl is 100% lying and your Ds 100% telling the truth?

Completely ridiculous if you and your DH to have taken this any further whatsoever.

By the way: Kids do not have to be friends just because the parents are friends.

I think I'm even more confused about life now than before I wrote the OP. Maybe both are as bad?

Friend has previously taken the side of someone else when they've lied to her about me and only come running back when she needed my help, she's conviently forgotten our plans before and whenever I'm annoyed with her she is never the one who apologises or explains first but she has done nice things for me too. She was always first to text every morning and offered help physically and financially before. She also got me chocolates etc whenever I was poorly. So I know she has a nice side too. She is a known drama queen though and people often slate her and I've had to stand up for her. Even school have had to have words with her before about her not following school rules about certain things and for disrupting her child's class with her over the top personality.

But on the other hand DH does have a bit of a temper (not violent). He has gaslighted me. He does think of himself more than us as a while sometimes.

Friend has confronted me about his behaviour to her in the past and I've confronted my husband and apologised to her on his behalf so she knew she could talk to me but she didn't and that's what hurt me.

I’m a headteacher. I would absolutely speak to a parent who had upset somebody else’s child on school site, regardless of the reason.

IME if a parent is aggressive as Friend had described on school grounds other parents would have witnessed and reported it.

That's obviously rubbish. You could easily go up to someone and quietly say something aggressive without anyone else noticing. It was clearly insane of DH to approach the other woman and her child. He already knew they didn't get along so anyone with half a brain cell could work out that they weren't going to have a reasonable discussion. Why was this even something to still be discussing the next day? Your son definitely behaved badly by threatening the girl possibly the girl also behaved badly by winding him up and telling tales. It's all standard playground behaviour. Why would a grown man still be stirring it up the following day. It's very obvious DH was in the wrong.

@SheepAnarchy yes, I'm not disputing that the head teacher did the right thing. That's her job.

OP don't be confused.
In this instance DH tried to do the right thing iho. Friend did not. It sounds like there is enough about her past behaviour towards you that she may be a bit toxic at times and that your DH has reason to say ignore her or behaviour at times. She has definitely created a drama out of this issue (and there's the possibility she enjoyed trying to get your DH in trouble or the drama of it)

If she has form for exagorating, then I'd listen to that, as the facts you laid out indicate this one's on her and her daughter and was unnecessary.

It doesn't mean that your DH is a great guy normally but that's separate to this issue. Just tell him you'd rather deal with all of it next time, where you have the better relationship with other parent.

Gosh, how horrible for this to happen to you more than once op.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3435329-Am-I-wrong-to-end-friendship-once-and-for-all

No OP your husband sounds worse

I hope your DH has taken opportunity to put his side to HT and that he's concerned about the exagorating and manipulation, but that now he knows that, despite their being family friends of 10 years, he'll involve the school next time about their DD bullying. If I were him, I'd ask them to look into friendDD's behaviour.

Friend has confronted me about his behaviour to her in the past
And how many times do you think she should do this before she’s has enough?

She is a known drama queen
over the top personality
So why did your husband talk to her? Was it to intimidate her because this is the only reason I can see for him to approach her and her child. Despite what you’ve said, I think he was telling them to stfu just not using those words. The school is totally within their rights to intervene if a parent feels unsafe on school grounds. If your husband isn’t careful he’s going to be banned from setting foot on school premises. But hey, that’ll teach him, won’t it. 🙄

As for your comments about taking sides against you, not apologising and conveniently forgetting plans, she doesn’t sound very mature. I’m not sure you any of you sound that mature either.

OP that's the same incident as in Nov 2018 surely? Or your DH would be silly to talk to her again. And I can't imagine why you hadn't cut her out back then. It was a manipulative then as it reads now.

So your husband has form for being aggressive and your friend doesn't like him because of how he treats/has treated you in the past? Other parents avoid you when you're with him because of his manner?

I suspect that his account of having had "a quiet word" came across as quite threatening to her.