AIBU to cut friend out because of this?

[alessandrae83]

To cut a long story short, me and my friend have been friends for around 10 years. We both have 2 children who are all the same ages and in the same years at school. Her child recently wound my son up at school and he reacted and threatened her with telling me and said I would sort her out. Not saying threats is the right behaviour but her child came out that same day before my son and told me he had threatened her for no reason. Turned out, as I said that it wasn't for no reason and she had been mean all day with her friends to him. I was upset that she would lie to me when she knew me but I know she's just a child. I said I would speak to my friend about the situation. The next day I didn't take the children to school so my husband bumped into my friend instead and he had words. Her daughter cried over being caught out and when my husband left, my friend reported my husband to the school without mentioning it to me before, during or after. I found out when school called about my husband apparently making a child cry on site. He said he only had a quiet word. Am I wrong to be upset that she didn't talk to me first after such a close friendship if she didn't agree with what he said? She tried to carry on as if she hadn't done it. I ignored her and she chose to keep her distance since which proves how much I'm worth to her right? That's the end of the friendship. We've had some very off/on/strange things happen in these 10 years but mainly been very close.

*100%

Im a bit in sure I’m comfortable with a grown nam making a child cry on school grounds.

He spoke to the mother about her DDs meanness and her lying and trying to blame the fallout on his son. If the girl cried out of shame or embarrassment that’s not his problem. I bet teachers have to say things that make some children cry all the time. Should teachers never be able to speak about behaviour/attitude, just in case they cry?

I don’t especially care that this girl, (who sounds like a bit of a manipulative little madam) cried, but I think all the parents in this scenario are becoming over-involved and over-invested in trying prove their child is the innocent/injured party and making things worse.

The OPs first mistake was to take the original problem to the other mother. The girl rushed out to tell tales and pretend she’d been threatened for no reason. The OP got to the bottom of it and told the girl she was being unreasonable and her actions will have consequences. A word with the teacher at this point to ask them to monitor the situation would have been a good idea and that should have been the end of it.

The OP then chose to escalate what was a small children’s spat by involving the other mother and her DH decided to have another go the following day. If I were the girls mum I’d be irritated by that too. Enough already.

So basically two kids had a minor spat at school and you've escalated it beyond all belief. Neither of you know exactly what happened in the original scenario as you weren't there. You have two children's words against the other.

For future reference, a breezy "don't tell tales please" would have sufficed when the girl came out of school.

So basically two kids had a minor spat at school and you've escalated it beyond all belief

^this

It sounds like 2 friends fell out, were mean to each other and both threatened to tell on each other. Hardly worth grown adults getting involved with let alone ending a friendship over.

I think your friend is better off out of it to be honest. You sound like the parents to be avoided.

I think your friend did the right thing, why should she have spoken to you first? Especially, when you weren’t talking to her. Your H should not have had a word and you excusing him is probably the reason she didn’t talk to you first.

Of course you blame her because it’s easier and more convenient, than accepting your H was in the wrong. Just because you make excuses for the man doesn’t mean anyone else should.

It sounds like everyone in your family needs to grow the hell up. Your H encouraging your children to ignore your friend is malicious and I suspect your son, given who his father parents, isn’t the saint you make him out to be either.

OP you aren’t a good friend, your expectations of loyalty are far greater that your loyalty to her and your friendship.

So your husband intimidates/threatens females and now your son is doing the same. You have things to worry about that do not involve your friend

My husband and her have never gotten along. She didn't used to like the way he was with me and no one seems to talk to me at school if I'm with my husband as he comes across as very stand offish/unapproachle. I do think in the past she's felt intimidated by him because he's made it clear he doesn't like her.
Your husband sounds like a bully, what is it about the way he treats you that your friend doesn't like?

Well your husband was obviously wrong to approach this child. He should have brought it up with the teacher or left it alone. Both sets of parents seem to have swallowed their own child's version of events hook, line and sinker which is why it's better to either let these incidents go or if it's a recurrent problem discuss them with the school.

Can't stand kids who come running out of school telling tales of other children to the other child's parents before said child gets a chance to explain. My 'friends' son used to do this about my son. I completely ignore him now or I would say something that would have him crying in the school grounds too. Mother was also a prat believing her son so ignore her too or again, I'd likely say something upsetting.

Right, it reads to me that DH spoke to friend (mother) but child was there rather than he sought out the child alone, which is how PPs are reacting. In that instance unless he was aggressive, he was perfectly reasonable to have a quiet word if it was just that and Friend was wrong to report to school. She should have rung OP to discuss if she needed to.

He may dislike Friend, Friend may dislike DH (it sounds like she does), and he may be abrasive in his manner at times, but he is DS's parent too and it doesn't mean he was in the wrong to say something if he felt it was needed to mum and child happened to be there.
I agree with other PPs we don't know content nor manner of what he said. And everyone had been so quick to take a guess & say OP's DH is clearly in the wrong when it is only a guess. Friendmother may have gotten wound up by her DD's lies/ manipulation, over reacted to her dad being caught out bullying/taunting and then exagorared DH's chat to school.

IRL I'd have left DC to it and told my DS to report the DD next time if she was bullying. And then ignore her/ walk away.

Or he could have been out of order. I think OP needs to ask her DH exactly what he said and how.

If I were your friend, I'd be the one ending this friendship, not you. I especially wouldn't want anything to do with your dh any more if he decided to 'have words' in the playground. If your dc is threatening other children, then it's not hard to see where the behaviour was learned.

Your DH sounds odd. He's heavy handed in dealing with playground disputes, he's planting ideas in your head that your friend fancies you (WTF is that about ) and he is telling children to ignore an adult friend of yours because he doesn't like her. I think you've got bigger issues than a playground tiff. YABU.

Btw your friend had every right to speak to the school if your husband involved her child in 'having a word'. She absolutely doesn't have to speak to you first and probably doesn't trust your judgement anymore and is quite rightly keeping her distance.

Oh your update gives a whole new perspective. Your OH is a man who already ignores and intimidates this mother, other people don’t speak to you when he is around as he is standoffish and he then has ‘ a word’ with mother and child that you did not witness.

I think the other mother probably felt threatened and was right to report it if she felt that way.

You didn’t ask your OH to have a word, I think you should be asking if it is wrong that he didn’t speak to you before confronting the mother, after all you can speak for yourself, rather than asking whether it was wrong that the mother didn’t speak to you about reporting it.

What would you have said if your OH had said he would have a word and what would you have said if she had told you that she had reported it?

YABU

Can you see the link between your child threatening another child, and your partner making a child cry in ‘having a word’?

You are agreessive parents and this is the start of more trouble for your DC.

There's only one party in the wrong here and it's your DH

You do realise this behaviour is not normal don't you?

OP you and your husband massively overreacted and should have been reported (and indeed your friend may not have done so). Your DH sounds controlling and possessive and I think your friendship is over

I just thought that either she could talk to me if she was upset with him or if she felt she should report him then she could have told me she had done it rather than wait until I heard from school.

Well you should have done the same then instead of getting your DH "have a word".

Also you have no idea that she reported your DH.

You have a husband problem not a friend problem.

The way he behaves is designed to stop people approaching you and being friendly with you so that you will end up isolated apart from him.

I do think in the past she's felt intimidated by him because he's made it clear he doesn't like her.

And now he has finally succeeded in destroying the friendship. After years of a drip, drip, drip approach to driving a wedge between you.

His behaviour is not normal or healthy, although I am sure he has fed you plenty of excuses as to why you should accept it.

You need this: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

His behaviour is literally textbook in terms of isolating you and bullying those around you. The examples you've given of how he's driven you away from your friend could quite honestly be lifted from a textbook on coercive control.

Thanks for your replies. I'm not sure how to respond to every point raised but he did tell me if he saw her that morning he would have a quiet word about what happened and I believed it wouldn't get out of hand due to it being at school, perhaps I was wrong. I wish I'd have had the word but I was quite ill that morning (I have a condition that causes me a lot of pain sometimes) so that's why he offered to take them to school. He told me what was said and he told her mother that she had lied according to our child and told the child I was upset as I have known her for many years so didnt expect to be lied to. He also said that my son has been a good friend to her for years so not be to manipulated by the girl she was picking on him with that day as the other girl is a known bully. My friend apparently agreed that she shouldn't have lied and told my husband she is a known to lie about things (she is) and apologised. Her daughter cried and my husband said he wasn't trying to have a go at her and then said he would leave them to it. She then reported it.

As for her having feelings. There's been a lot over the years that I agree seems a little odd or perhaps I'm not used to someone being over friendly. It's a long story though.

A child might cry because of an adult man having a quiet word. My kids would. And if they had been bullying I would have no problem with the victims dad having a quiet word. In fact I'd go as far as saying that I'd have no problem with a father of a victim having a real go about it.

Might make them realise you can't go around bullying.

Bet it dosent happen again and what would the school have done? A class chat about being kind. That's gonna work-NOT!

Still a lot of assumptions going on here about what DH said. We don't know as OP doesn't know.

He could have had a perfectly reasonable chat with Friend(mother). (I've had occasional parent talk to me at school gate with/without my DC and on occasion I've chatted to another parent - and it is how something is said. It's not inherently wrong at all, if essential, sometimes face to face can nip in bud).

Friend(mother) doesn't like DH. She knows & likes OP.

OP YANBU to be pissed off with her behaviour. She's escalated without any thought of how to deal direct with it with a family and mum she's known for 10 years!!

We know school contacted OP to say friend made a report but school haven't yet spoken to DH for opportunity to say his side.

We don't know content of what Friend alleged to school as OP hasn't shared it. We don't know if OP believes it, or it's true or exagorared. We know FriendDD allegedly cried but not reason for that. We suspect DH can be abrasive as OP indicates such but not in what context and how he shows it.

We do know FriendsDD lied

And that FriendsDD behaved like a bully/ taunting DS earlier previous day

We do know DS reacted badly, got cross and told FriendsDD that his Mother would "sort her out" (whatever that meant/ not clear how threatening that sounded to FriendsDD)

(We suspect that DC "spat" didn't need much intervention - that OP and family wanted to chat briefly direct to Friendfamily rather than school but know that FriendDD had already involved OP with a lie).

Those are the only facts we know. Anything else... PPs telling OP that her DH is awful and how the Friend was right.... is mere conjecture. It may turn out to be true, or completely false and unfair.
(We have at least two instances of FriendsDD behaving manipulatively).

But it isn't known no matter how many PPs pretend they know for sure!! 🙄

It sounds like you husband enjoys intimidating your friend and people in general. Poor woman.

The correct procedure is to tell the teacher - a quick email would have sufficed - and ask them to keep an eye on the situation.

You should be profusely apologising to her as well as telling your husband he’s an oaf and a bully.

Yes cut her out, that will make your DH happy
Then he can work on isolating you from your other friends too