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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut friend out because of this?

245 replies

alessandrae83 · 16/03/2019 23:31

To cut a long story short, me and my friend have been friends for around 10 years. We both have 2 children who are all the same ages and in the same years at school. Her child recently wound my son up at school and he reacted and threatened her with telling me and said I would sort her out. Not saying threats is the right behaviour but her child came out that same day before my son and told me he had threatened her for no reason. Turned out, as I said that it wasn't for no reason and she had been mean all day with her friends to him. I was upset that she would lie to me when she knew me but I know she's just a child. I said I would speak to my friend about the situation. The next day I didn't take the children to school so my husband bumped into my friend instead and he had words. Her daughter cried over being caught out and when my husband left, my friend reported my husband to the school without mentioning it to me before, during or after. I found out when school called about my husband apparently making a child cry on site. He said he only had a quiet word. Am I wrong to be upset that she didn't talk to me first after such a close friendship if she didn't agree with what he said? She tried to carry on as if she hadn't done it. I ignored her and she chose to keep her distance since which proves how much I'm worth to her right? That's the end of the friendship. We've had some very off/on/strange things happen in these 10 years but mainly been very close.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 13:48

@Frenchmontana

That wasn't what you said before. Well, certainly I'm glad you now recognise that. I was a tad shocked at your avoidance of the real issue in this instance That's what PPs and I have been saying all along.

MiniEggAddiction · 17/03/2019 13:54

offtobed you have made a load of assumptions and quite frankly ludicrous statements that people have taken objection to. No one knows whether this friend is a great friend or a drama queen best avoided. What is clear and what everyone has been telling you is that her DH cannot be trusted and showed very poor judgement in his handling of thism

Frenchmontana · 17/03/2019 13:54

God luck with your important "investigations" and being "headhunted".
No statutory agency would touch you with your cavalier approach or you'd be referred quite quickly. I can only imagine you are being looser here and getting carried away because it's MN and that you wouldn't behave so poorly in your professional life.

Well given you dont know the fact between fact and 3rd party statements, what you have to say doesnt really matter, does it. You were the one that brought our work into it. Just because several people would like me to work for them, that makes you feel bad?

What you think about me professionally doesnt matter. Because tomorrow morning, I will still be negotiating my wage increase and benefits package. Regardless of your feedback. You want to start bringing in discussions on career and how you just be so much better and how your employer wouldn't want me? expect it back.

I wouldn't have anyone who behaves like you working for me either. The insults, the incorrect labelling of facts, the bringing in careers then getting arsey when it doesnt go your way. I suppose it's you getting fast and loose because it mn. I bet you dint act like this in your professional life either...I hope.

Perhaps it's better that we all move on, as other more sensible PPs above & myself have suggested useful and supportive ways forward for OP.

Or rather, you dont want admit that the things you are claiming as fact, isnt fact. It's a story from a 3rd party.

The OP said he is aggressive. Not just to her. And he has a severe dislike of her friend.

If you believe its more likely a gas lighting aggressive man is telling the truth when he says it was a polite conversation, then you shouldn't be investigating anything.

OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 13:56

OP others will tell you how helpful the Freedom programme is, if you feel your DH is controlling and gaslights you at times.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

But women's aid can give advice on local DA outreach support services, even if it's just to chat to someone whose more experienced to help clarify your thoughts.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 17/03/2019 13:58

This is why I'm asking. I mean, I know now it would have made more sense for me to talk to her rather than my husband given their history and I also know that I haven't asked her her side of the story as I was too angry that she didn't talk to me about what had happened. School just said that if there is an issue at school that we must talk to them and not approach parent or child. Which is understandable from their point of view. Didn't mean to cause any upset between any one.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 14:03

@Frenchnontana
Do please step back and check your comments. You are behaving unprofessionally and it's showing. None of what you said is neccessary and you've been rather unhelpful, assumptive and judgemental on this thread. I appreciate you think you are helping but erm... maybe not as helpful as you think you are ! A little bit of knowledge without understanding the wider picture can be a tad dangerous as it muddies the water. That's why I have tried to steer thread away from some of your worst unwise misconceptions.

Information you've provided indicates clearly you are not in a statutory agency. But you go for it, you seem determined to be "right" even when it's not relevant nor performing a useful function anymore.

yanboo · 17/03/2019 14:03

some adults also burst into tears to win the argument.

If we can’t be adults about childish behaviour then the manipulations and petty lies normal to children will be devastating.

OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 14:15

@alessandrea83
You haven't. And don't let PPs think you have. It sounds a very tough situation & that you may now feel alone.

You really need to trust your own instincts and consider what you've told us about both your friend who has not been a good positive friendship experience and your husband who has not been a good reasonable partner at times. The "baying crowd" on AIBU won't help you, as some PP nit pick.

A kind good friend who'd been sufficiently worried enough to talk to HT, would have found way to talk direct with you, she'd have been desperate to sort it out, if genuinely concerned.

Maybe think about looking at those links shared. Even if just to read a bit and consider if they are helpful. Have you family or old friends that you trust and can talk to?

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 17/03/2019 14:25

@offtobedHampton thank you. I will have a look at the links. I do have family but I don't feel able to speak with them at this time. I don't have any other friends unfortunately thanks to my anxiety.

OP posts:
Frenchmontana · 17/03/2019 14:31

I haven't asked her her side of the story as I was too angry that she didn't talk to me about what had happened.

Who knows what your husband said. She was right to handle it through the school, assuming she reported it. Approaching you could have escalated it more. You should have spoken directly to her rather than your husband, who doesnt get on with her

Do please step back and check your comments. You are behaving unprofessionally and it's showing. None of what you said is neccessary and you've been rather unhelpful, assumptive and judgemental on this thread. I appreciate you think you are helping but erm... maybe not as helpful as you think you are ! A little bit of knowledge without understanding the wider picture can be a tad dangerous as it muddies the water. That's why I have tried to steer thread away from some of your worst unwise misconceptions.

And you say my posts are silly. This is MN. Not my paid place of employment. What do you mean I am acting unprofessional. Your brought work into it, youvstarted down the route of 'you wouldn't last in my place' I dont want to last in your place. I work for the worlds largest private employer. I am not asking you for a job Confused

You have started insulting me, youvstarted saying I had said things, that I hadn't. If you act as a professional on MN (dont know why you would) but that's not professional.

I am debating my point because you are wrong. Again, the only fact you are acknowledging is the op retelling his version of the story. A man who lies, to make others look bad and remove blame from himself

You, clearly, have no idea about abusers, abusive relationships or how abusers isolate their victims.

You keep insisting you are right, even resorting to insults and lies, to justify it. Just so you can say you are right, regardless of the facts

Aquilla · 17/03/2019 14:34

Most kids would cry at the drop of a hat in this situation. Don't see the big deal at all. Sounds like something needed to be said.

ElevenSmiles · 17/03/2019 14:36

I'm not a professional wotsit I find plain old common sense works for me. OP and her DH handled this all badly they are the ones to blame not the now horrible friend....if you believe the OP.

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 17/03/2019 14:43

@Elevensmiles if you believe the OP? What have I said that makes you think I haven't told what I know/heard about the situation. What would I have to gain here by lying considering I'm looking for unbiased views to help me? I've given the events as they unfolded and asked what people think in terms of am I wrong? Is he? Is she? Etc as I'm not unsure on how I feel about the situation/her/my DH and very confused.

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 17/03/2019 14:51

Read your posts OP, I wouldn't slag off a friend why do you ?

OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 14:53

I also can guarantee Montana wouldn't employ me, nor be able to, nor any of my colleagues 😂😂
Nor would we want to work with him/her!

That has made me laugh!!

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 17/03/2019 14:55

We are no longer friends and I haven't said anything horrible. I have stated that she is over the top and known to be a drama queen. That's not terrible. Just how she is.

OP posts:
Dontaskmeihaventaclue · 17/03/2019 14:58

Hmm. Well that's his side of the story! I'd like to hear your poor friends version. Accosted in the playground first thing in the morning by someone she knows doesn't like her and has previously been aggressive. Poor woman, she hadn't actually done anything wrong!

OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 14:59

OP, you don't need to reply to PPs that are trying to nitpick without reason or are trying to make you doubt yourself. You've had sensible advice from a number of PPs, coming from genuine experience and knowledge. If you can find it, it's there!! 😁

Let this incident go, as it presents as having become unneccesarily escalated, from what you've shared.

But do look at what you need to go forward to help you think your current situation through.

ElevenSmiles · 17/03/2019 15:05

So it's all done with.....Why post about it months later.

Original poster
alessandrae83 · 17/03/2019 15:09

@Elevensmiles I have already explained why. You're clearly having a bad day so I'm not going to encourage you by responding to you again.

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 17/03/2019 15:12

Careful OP your mask is slipping..........

OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 15:15

That was unneccesary elevensmiles
Perhaps RTFT as it was already covered and explained.

ElevenSmiles · 17/03/2019 15:19

True though....

Frenchmontana · 17/03/2019 15:22

That was unneccesaryelevensmiles

Thats something we can agree on.

ElevenSmiles · 17/03/2019 15:28

So say the professional wotsits......I'm better than you....no you're not ...yes I am... no you're not and so on........Yeah right I'll listen to the babies on here.