AIBU to cut friend out because of this?

[alessandrae83]

To cut a long story short, me and my friend have been friends for around 10 years. We both have 2 children who are all the same ages and in the same years at school. Her child recently wound my son up at school and he reacted and threatened her with telling me and said I would sort her out. Not saying threats is the right behaviour but her child came out that same day before my son and told me he had threatened her for no reason. Turned out, as I said that it wasn't for no reason and she had been mean all day with her friends to him. I was upset that she would lie to me when she knew me but I know she's just a child. I said I would speak to my friend about the situation. The next day I didn't take the children to school so my husband bumped into my friend instead and he had words. Her daughter cried over being caught out and when my husband left, my friend reported my husband to the school without mentioning it to me before, during or after. I found out when school called about my husband apparently making a child cry on site. He said he only had a quiet word. Am I wrong to be upset that she didn't talk to me first after such a close friendship if she didn't agree with what he said? She tried to carry on as if she hadn't done it. I ignored her and she chose to keep her distance since which proves how much I'm worth to her right? That's the end of the friendship. We've had some very off/on/strange things happen in these 10 years but mainly been very close.

In that case you definitely need to seek a support network - the EX friend doesn’t sound healthy look for others.

Can you join a group or volunteer somewhere you said like animals? Perhaps volunteer at RSPCA as a dog walker?

@alessandrae83

Then I think you do have a problem to face. You don't sound happy with how things are at the moment and although part of that is related to your own anxiety/lack of confidence and the fact that you have few friends for support, there is another part that is caused by your relationship and the behaviour of your husband towards both yourself and others.

Ultimately, only you know how much a problem his behaviour and attitude is for you. It may be something you are willing to put up with because this negative is outweighed by other positives. Or maybe it's something you think needs to be addressed. Personally, I'm not sure I could respect someone who bullies others and enjoys making people he sees as "beneath" him (e.g. his comment re the other people being "chavs") uncomfortable.

I would ask this though: I assume you didn't really believe your ex-friend had romantic feelings/intentons towards you and that your husband was mistaken in his beliefs regarding that? The reason I ask is that it would seem odd, and unfair all round, to continue a long-standing and close friendship with someone who you believed wanted more than just friendship when you were in a committed relationship and did not reciprocate those feelings? The fact that this was a female friend doesn't really change that. I think to continue a friendship in those circumstances would put you in an awkward situation and needing to be careful about what you said and did so that your friend would not misconstrue anything. It would also be unfair to your husband- even if he didn't believe you were interested in starting a relationship with your friends, I would understand why he wouldn't relish the thought of you spending lots of time with them. And it would also be an unkind thing to do to a friend you cared about- realising they have feelings, not addressing that with them but continuing on a close friendship which may give them "hope". It might be different if you had tackled it head on- e.g. "x, I think you may want more from this friendship than I can give you. I'm happily married to Y and am not looking for another relationship. I don't have romantic feelings for you, sorry". Though even if you had made this clear, I still think it would be awkward to continue a friendship in that situation.

OP, I've read your latest posts and some other very long posts. I'm glad you've found other PPs helpful and that you recognise what isn't ok from your Friend nor from your DH.

I have work early tomorrow and DC I did homework with and put to bed and literally have no more time now and weekdays earlier bed times for me too. Each night I'll have too much to do wrt family, than this weekend.

As probably will a few other following PPs who have listened to your journey and posted to help. It doesn't mean we don't care but we have weekday jobs which take us into the evening with families.

I hope you give new posters taking over, whom are supporting you with more free time in the working week, the same critical eye. It's very important that you might understand there aren't many in a legal nor statutory field that are UK or have time during the working week, unless they are part time.

I'm just mentioning that. As there may be retired experienced pp or part time/off duty workers but there also may be a number of pp who aren't, but have a generic view. Much as that might be helpful ,as poplular opinion is great but sometimes isnt. As it can be undermining. So please just take what might be advice in context it's given and checknout where it's coming from if it doesnt sit right with you.

In answer to pp, I never knew if she was just being flirty like some women are or if there was more. I didn't think it was more than her personality at first and I still don't know as I don't think highly of myself to think it could be possible but I know she has liked women before. I never knew where I stood with how she felt and didn't feel able to confront it in case I was wrong.

Thanks everyone

Your "d" h sounds like a nasty bully, I bet your friend has always known this. It sounds like he is doing a good job of isolating you from "interfering" friends.

Soooo. I've just been woken up by a crying child, settled her and thought I'd check phone to lull me back to sleep before my usual early start.

And several of us were very helpful supporting OP over this weekend & whether there was a concern over issue /incident DH/ child /friend/ school raised or not, and whether OP ought be mindful of an emotionally abusive friend on top of potentially DA abusive DH.

I now see the latest issue for OP, is to consider whether female Friend fancies her or not.

I'm going back to sleep.

🤨😐

@OffToBedHampton

Assuming your last sarky post was about my comment. Just to clarify, the OP has specifically said (more than once) that one of the main reasons her DH did not like her ex-friend because HE thought that the friend fancied OP. I didn’t make it up out of nowhere- that would be bizarre! I think it is worth OP thinking about because if she was sure her DH was wrong, it is a sign that her DH may be overly suspicious or using that as an excuse.

@Jacks11. No it wasn't a sarcastic post (you've misread). Her DH's comment is far more likely to be gaslighting than anything else. OP's already said DH gaslights her. I just wondered the value of asking OP to focus on that comment. She could tie herself up in circles as no independent way to check it out now, since she no longer speaks to Friend not Friend her.

Anyway, I'm at work so will leave you good folks to it.

Your husband SHOULD HAVE NOT talked to the child. End of.
You are in a wrong not your friend.
If i was her I (!) would cut you out. For speaking all about her child without calling her up immediately. What a friend is that??

Sounds to me like everyone has done something wrong.

Your son reacting and threatening behaviour.
Her daughters lie (could be slight as we don’t know what exactly the winding up included).
Your husband for having “quiet word” with a child and making her cry.

Now issue is, if your friend had no idea why your husband made her daughter cry then in her shoes, I’d most definitely be reporting him.

So, I think if you cared (being as all she knows is both your son and husband have threatened her daughter) it would really fall to you to apologise for your husbands behaviour, then explain background and maybe how he had misjudged the “quiet word”.

I mean I’ve no idea if ages of kids but sounds like, if you and her had talked first this would have been sorted.

Now you've added in what DH said, that adds fuller picture and as Friend agreed with him!!

This is DH’s version of events. Not necessarily an accurate one.

Op Why on earth have you allowed your husband to have a 'word' with your friend, knowing full well that they don't like each other?? I am not sure how you thought this would end differently?

Your friend has made it clear she doesn't like your husband, and he feels the same way this was always going to be a 'delicate' conversation, and one that should have taken place quietly without children, and face to face to ensure no misunderstandings.

As it is your dh has made your friends daughter cry??!

As a bare minimum I would call and apologise to your friend for this, and then do what you can to salvage some goodwill. From now on your dh needs to some pretty some instructions not to go to school and upset the children. He doesn't very kind, encouraging his children to ignore other people?!

I would very much try and mitigate this now with an apology and hope your friend finds it acceptable.

Your problem is not you friend or the children, it is your dh 100%

pretty strong instructions

Your husband sounds like an overbearing wanker who bullies kids - and your son is following in his path - she's well rid imo.

Your husband who you described as comes across as unapproachable and intimidating 'had words' with a little girl in the school grounds and made her cry?, her mother has all the rights to be annoyed and report him to the school.

I'd have absolutely furious, I'd have been 'having words' with him if he'd done that to my child. If my husband had done that to a child I'd be so very disappointed in him.

In general, I think it's best to stay out of children's arguments if possible.

If another child's parent had approached either of my kids in the playground and 'had a word' that made them cry, I would certainly have told the school. I completely disagree with the PP who said If the girl cried out of shame or embarrassment that’s not his problem. He has no right to shame or embarrass a child. It sounds a bit like bullying.

If I was the other mum, you wouldn't be given the opportunity to cut me, because I'd want to stay as far away from you and your husband as possible!

You both sound horrendous - why are you getting involved in children bickering? Most times there’s fault on both sides, and kids are very adept at telling a story that fails to include their own wrong doing. The fact that your son made such a threat makes me think you’re clearly seen to him to be able to intimidate people, and wow is he following in your footsteps.

And how very mature you are in how you dealt with an assumption of who told on your husband - blanking her. Jesus, how old are you?!

If I saw anyone who wasn’t the child’s parent having that sort of interaction I would report them too. You and your husband are ADULTS. If you perceive there’s a problem you approach the other ADULTS, as an ADULT would. What planet are you both on that scaring someone else’s child is ok? The example your son is getting, I have no doubt he was just as to blame in this ridiculous kids argument.

You fight like this every time your kids moans you will very quickly be ‘that couple’.

I can't say for sure that the whole topic was dealt with appropriately HOWEVER if I was unsure about the value of a friendship I would be away like a shot as soon as I felt it.

Just remember who's more important to you (or should be) regardless of the circumstances 💖

This is horrendous! Never ever get involved in kids squabbles! The kids sort it out and the parents are still arguing. Your husband sounds like a nasty controlling bully, why on earth is he getting involved? I hope you manage to get out, I'd write to your ex-friend apologising but the friendship is over.