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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH at weekends

247 replies

Hoopaloop · 15/03/2019 19:54

DH works full time, getting home from work at half 6 most nights. We have a 3yr old. He is also doing a college course which he has been doing for 3 years. I'm sick of his studying, he expects a day at the weekend to do it and whinges about not having any time in the evenings to do it. He's just asked me if he can go for a long run with his friend on Sunday morning. Clearly, he can't do both and I've told him this. He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect to have the whole weekend as a family. I think he has quite enough hobbytime and that he shouldn't expect to be able to run and study. AIBU to expect him to spend time with me and our child?

OP posts:
whodidapoopoointhebath · 16/03/2019 17:59

Having graduated from my masters last year whilst working full time I can confirm it is not fun. I have a 9 month old and a 2 year old.

So I didn’t spend all my weekends studying I also took annual leave and some study time from work. I wanted to spend time at the weekends with my family.

I can understand it from both sides. Could you agree to a day or half day at a weekend where you go and meet friends or visit family?

Also, do you get time to do something on your own?

CostanzaG · 16/03/2019 18:06

So much of what you have listed links back to stereotypes, societal norms and unconscious bias.

Yes I do understand how misogyny is internalised ( again - stereotypes, societal norms and unconscious bias) ....i know this topic particularly well as it's one of my specialist research areas.

Where there is some evidence that the balance isn't right yet there is also evidence of maternal gatekeeping which offers an interesting perspective ( it doesn't apply here but I've offered it up as an alternative view as its important to get a balanced overview of the evidence)

Stereotypes and societal norms still contribute to the views and you were doing a great job of perpetuating these ideas and presenting them as facts!

Lou12124 · 16/03/2019 18:06

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! The way I've read your post is he's asking for a full day to study...then the day that should be spent with you and your baby he wants to go for a run? Is that what you meant? If this is the case then I don't think it's fair your DH expects to do this aswell.

I also don't understand a WHOLE day studying?? Surely that is not healthy and will be mentally draining. You need regular breaks? So why not do a Rota...early morning to lunch so studying....then have a break lunch and Maybe a walk or park? Anything which involves the 3 of you and then once you're back he can study again. Alternatively, study all day Saturday and then go for early morning run if he wishes and commits to spending the whole day with you both. I think there should also be one day a month (if you have the support) that you and your DH spend a day together and one day a month you are child free so you have the day to yourself!

urkidding · 16/03/2019 18:14

YANBU. You need to have a conversation about family time and just plain companionship and friendship.

A lot of marriages break up because you never do things together and eventually feel resentful or find someone else to do things with.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/03/2019 18:15

So your dh works full time, is studying, does his fair share of getting up with dc in the morning, bedtime routines, housework etc, and you think he’s being unfair because he wants to go out for a run on the weekend? Not every weekend, he’s not training for a marathon, just one run?? Sorry OP, but I think you’re BU. Give the guy a break and be happy he’s going to do something he enjoys. He sounds reasonable and I’m sore will return the favour at some point

efc1878 · 16/03/2019 18:17

My Dh studied and started running when our dd was born. We had a 2 year old ds too.

I found it so hard and will admit to being resentful.

But 10 years down the line- the study paid off and my dh earns 4-5 times more after his qualification. He gave up on the running.
It’s me who goes out running now.

Stawp · 16/03/2019 18:19

Studying and exercising are hobbies? Confused

Arrowfanatic · 16/03/2019 18:20

How on earth has this post gotten to 9 pages when its so simple. OP as a fellow sahm i understand your frustrations however you have a DH who is involved with getting his kid ready for the day & bedtimes, whose studying to improve his prospects which benefits the family, usually only spends one of his weekend days studying & you're honestly mad that he's asked to go for one run?

For what its worth I'm a sahm to 3 kids, dh works shifts on a 60+ hour week & he doesnt question me when he gets in from work & i go out to training for 3 hours. Likewise i dont question him if he wants to spend some of his off time with mates or trainkng himself.

LtJudyHopps · 16/03/2019 18:23

So it’s ok for you to go raving once a month and stay out for 24 hours ish but one weekend your husband wants to run on a Sunday he has to ask permission?! Bit hypocritical Hmm

Whyisareallthenamestaken · 16/03/2019 18:32

OP you sure sound like my DH. You both seem to think studying is a hobby and you're both controlling AF.

IlonaRN · 16/03/2019 18:37

Can he take your little one to a crèche on a Saturday morning to get some study time and give you some time off at the same time?
I do this with our 3-yr-old so I can study and Daddy gets a lie-in.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/03/2019 18:39

The issue is there needs to be a fair distribution of time for each of you. It doesn’t sound like he considers you very much.

Chickenwing · 16/03/2019 18:49

YABU. I feel sorry for him.

jade9390 · 16/03/2019 18:52

You are not being unreasonable. Ok, he is doing this to improve family financies in the future but you obviously feel like you need some time together now or a break from constantly looking after a child. You have built your life around his study, he needs to be more considerate and make a bit of time for both of you.

Dimsumlosesum · 16/03/2019 18:53

Yanbu. When people have a family, their lives don't come first. They don't just get to shove child and wife/husband to the wayside whilst they happily do what they want.

What would worry me most is the fact he doesn't seem to show any, ANY, desire to spend time with his child, let alone his wife.

RomanyQueen1 · 16/03/2019 18:56

YANBU, I studied but it had to be when kids were in bed as we needed the weekend for family time. My hobbies had to go whilst I studied, you can't have it all and family come first.

Dimsumlosesum · 16/03/2019 18:56

To all the posters saying op is being unreasonable - so, you are basically saying - man gets to do what he wants, when he wants, study when he wants, take all weekends for himself when he wants, not bother to see child whenever he wants, not bother to see wife at all. What do you think single parents do? They bloody study in the evening when child is asleep. They study in any spare moment they are able.

CostanzaG · 16/03/2019 19:03

dimsum there is no evidence that he is not spending time with his family. In fact, quite the opposite - he's seems to be contributing fairly.

It is okay to sometimes take time for yourself and sometimes other things take priority over family life but as a couple you deal with it..... It's called teamwork! My DH is on a writing retreat this weekend because his deadline is looming and he won't get much done with a 4 year old in the house.
I'm not complaining that I'll have very little downtime this weekend because finishing his PhD is priority. It doesn't make him a shit husband or dad.

tinkerbellbabygirlpoop · 16/03/2019 19:13

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gettofuckthrees · 16/03/2019 19:15

Jeeeezo. You sound hard work. If you are not coping then be honest with him and ask. It sounds like he is really working hard for your family. Let him go a fucking run.

You work 3 days a week and your DH does a lot of childcare routine, get a grip!

PandaSky · 16/03/2019 19:23

take all weekends for himself when he wants, not bother to see child whenever he wants, not bother to see wife at all.

Er, where in any of OP's posts does it say this? You're just making things up. It's ONE run!!! And OP said herself he does bedtimes, nursery runs and chores.

What do you think single parents do?

Look after the children 7 days a week. With no one to help at bedtimes or with nursery runs or with chores. I'm sure OP can manage a couple of extra hours on top of the 3 days she does already. (We are assuming she has DC for the 2 days in the week she's not working - she hasn't actually confirmed this).

Especially now we know she has the luxury of 24hr stretch once a month to go clubbing Confused

Jeez it's one run people!! Because if he was suggesting to do this every week then OP would have made this very clear!

HarrySnotter · 16/03/2019 19:44

To all the posters saying op is being unreasonable - so, you are basically saying - man gets to do what he wants, when he wants, study when he wants, take all weekends for himself when he wants, not bother to see child whenever he wants, not bother to see wife at all.

Where on earth are you getting this from? I don't think anyone has said or even suggested anything remotely like this. Please at least read the thread, rather than just making up what you like.

ifonly4 · 16/03/2019 19:45

OP, I was in this position for quite a few years. Firstly, DH doing a course which supported a new job, then going back to his old job and having to do a post graduate course relating to that and then deciding on a career change and doing a degree all alongside working fulltime. It can be a lonely place sometimes, but you're still together between everything and actually you can watch what you want at night, pursue a hobby without them complaining and are free to keep in contact with friends for a night out, so you can make it work.

My DH would come home, eat, wash up, help with DD, quick shower before a couple of hours at night and studying at weekends. Any free time he'd obviously want to see friends occasionally (but when he was tired would back out) and the rest of the time he was totally open to doing anything suggested by the family even thought he was probably exhausted.

It's hard, trying not to make an issue of it but making it work, but you can.

Livelovebehappy · 16/03/2019 20:09

But it’s not just a case of asking for permission to do something is it? It’s just courtesy surely to check with your dp that it’s okay. OP may have already planned something to either do by herself or something she wanted them to do as a family.

puppy23 · 16/03/2019 20:10

I can understand you wanting that family time together, but he is allowed a hobby, and running is a much better one than drinking/gambling/whatever else. He also probably doesn't enjoy having to study every weekend on top of working full time