DH at weekends

[Hoopaloop]

DH works full time, getting home from work at half 6 most nights. We have a 3yr old. He is also doing a college course which he has been doing for 3 years. I'm sick of his studying, he expects a day at the weekend to do it and whinges about not having any time in the evenings to do it. He's just asked me if he can go for a long run with his friend on Sunday morning. Clearly, he can't do both and I've told him this. He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect to have the whole weekend as a family. I think he has quite enough hobbytime and that he shouldn't expect to be able to run and study. AIBU to expect him to spend time with me and our child?

Yabu.

I've recently finished an extended course of studying while working 2 part time jobs, dh never ever once complained about the weekend family time we had to sacrifice.

He stepped up, took on extra chores at home and entertained the dc at weekends even though he was knackered from work himself.

I don't think I could've got through without his support.

Could he go for shorter early morning runs on the days you don’t work? Or after work. The weather will be improving and the days longer.

Studying and hobby time isn't the same thing. It's really hard work working full time and studying.

Try being in our house where my DH has been doing his doctorate for 6 years! He studies every Saturday until 2ish and goes on writing retreats He still goes to the football and out with friends as that's his down time and I'd never dream of stopping that.
However, I've been there too so know how exhausting it is.
As long as he's still pulling his weight it's just something you'll have to put up with. Hopefully it won't be forever!

My DH does exactly the same.
Works, studies in the evening and sometimes at weekends and runs 15k every weekend which usually takes up a full morning (and then he's too tired to do anything in the afternoon). Or the best part of the day If its an organised running event.

It drives me mad, as I look after DC during the week and then at the weekend. There's no time for me to socialise independently or much as a full family unit. And I do not have the chance to study further - allowing me some potential to increase my earning capability (too expensive). Which in turn would help me feel more secure, should we ever face a separation. He gets all the opportunities and yes works very hard. I love looking after the DC but he should recognise that I work hard too and if he's taking up weekend time for a hobby, I should get the same amount of time to do something I enjoy as well. But it doesn't happen.

popsadaisy it IS controlling whatever way you want to put it. She hasnt said she had plans she just doesnt want him to go for his run because she doesnt seem to think hes entitled to it. And even if she did have plans he could go for his run later in the day, but thats not the case here.

I don’t see the op saying she works 3 days

Just that dh sorts out 3yr for nursery and puts him To bed most nights
Unless op leaves early to go to work

Let him go for a run. An early one. Then study

And sat be family day

Or study sat. Ran early sun. Then afternoon be family.

What an extraordinary thread!

So, 'I work FT and study for one full day every weekend, at something that I think will lead to better work prospects eventually, though there's no guarantee of that. I've been doing this for three years now, since my PFB was a month old. My hobby is running and I'm keen to get out for a long run with a friend this Sunday morning. That still leaves Sunday afternoon for us to spend together as a family.

DP isn't happy though! She looks after DS the two days she isn't at work during the week, plus every Saturday when I'm studying. She wants us to spend time together as a family on Sunday. But I can't run and study at the same time, can I!'

So OP works six days a week. Three WOTH, three as a SAHP. On the seventh day, may she rest? No! May she enjoy some time with her family, all together? No! Well, she may have one afternoon for one thing or the other. And be grateful!

Agree completely with myothernameismyrealone. He isn't doing this just for the good of the family, as a pp said. His study will benefit his career, and while it might mean more money for the family in the long run, that's not a given. Meanwhile, he is only spending quality time as a family one day a week, and assuming OP is OK to have DC while he eats into the family time with his personal hobby. He would have known how much work was involved when he took the course on, it was something he chose to do, and noone else should have to sacrifice anything to enable this. I'm still puzzled as to why he needs a whole day for study on the weekend, when he gets back in plenty of time to put a few hours in each evening (which is what I used to do after work, picking up DC, dinner etc and putting them to bed, 90% of the time by myself - and he's got OP to help with that, so it's not impossible).

And for the person who says parenting should be 50/50, in a perfect world, yes, it would be. But sometimes thats just not possible. I have my ds most of the time because im a SAHM and my partner works 50-60 hours a week to provide for us. On the weekend we take turns having a lie in, he cooks dinner on a sunday and does a big clean on saturday for me but other than that i do pretty much everything else. I wouldnt expect him to help anymore than he does because he works hard so that i can spend my days with my child. And if he said he was going to see a friend or go for a run at the weekend theres no way id tell him no, thats not the way relationships work, your a partnership but you do not own eachother.

The level of assumption that OP is the default 24/7 parent here - and should be grateful for any tiny respite from that, any interest her DH shows in their child - is truly astonishing.

I've never read anything like it on MN before.

@TheLoneWolfDies well you seem to know a lot about these two individuals and their relationship from just a few posts.
To respect your partner enough to ask whether they're ok to look after the kids whilst you do something in my opinion doesn't mean you are being controlled. It's a 50/50 job, one person shouldn't expect to swan in and out of the home as they please and leave the other one holding the baby (literally). Stop being so judgemental.

Totally BU.

popsadaisy no im just capable of reading what was written and seeing it how it is. Maybe you should have another read.

I don't think you are being unfair at all, as he is catching up with a friend to go running it's not just going to be an hour.

If DH studies (for the last three years by the way - that is a long time to be studying with no impending finish or result to come from it) on Saturday while DW looks after DS3 and then DH goes running Sunday morning, DW now needs to decide to either feel guilty and selfish by taking her 'Me Time' on Sunday afternoon and take up any available family time or give up anything she wants to do and do family time.

The exception to this is if you take alternate weekends to do things for themselves in the Sunday AM/PM and dedicate the other half of the day each weekend to family time, is this a option for you both?

This is one case where I'd just love us to swap the sexes of the OP and her spouse.

We're all ok with a mother doing this much away from her first child, from one month old, while just presuming that her spouse will pick up all the extra childcare - and, in addition to claiming one day every weekend for study, prioritising her hobby over family time (while allowing her spouse no free or hobby time at all)? Come on, it's about her job, that's important! So is her fitness and her freedom to have hobby time!

Ok then, great! So pleased we're all on board with that - and will be accusing her husband of being selfish and controlling should he so much as think of questioning her need for a long Sunday morning run with her friend.

No gross, endemic sexism to be seen here at all, lordy no!

DH is currently doing a professional post grad, he didn't start his current essay anywhere near soon enough, so he's giving up his hobby evening to work on it , because he doesn't want his lack of organisation eating into the time he spends with DS he gets home between six and half past (two nights he gets in after nine) DS hours to bed at seven thirty, so let than an hour on the morning and less in the evening he doesn't spend much time with him in the week. If the run is a rarity YABU if he wants to do it regularly you are not. It's not about you it is about him spending quality time with his child and making that a priority

I just don't think he should expect to study and run the same weekend.

That's ridiculous.

Maybe I have just had weird kids but when you are home does your 3 year not just potter round/play with toys/watch cartoons whilst you cook dinner, clean around or play on read Mumsnet. As long as I drag out the Lego/Toy Box/put paper/pens on the table my kids are normally quite happy. What I am saying is, does it need the full time attention of a parent all the time? In a weekend there should be plenty of time for him to run, you to do something relaxing on your own, him to study whilst kids play and you chill, and you all to do something nice together?

OP, you didn't say anywhere about you working 3 days a week, hence people asking.

I think you must know deep down that you're being unreasonable about this. Studying is not a hobby and running is for fitness presumably. It's not wrong for your DH to want to do both these things in the same weekend.

Lottie actually I’ve recenyly been in a very similar situation to the OPs husband- my husband picked up the slack with the kids, despite working part time himself, and wouldn’t have had a problem with me going for a Sunday run. This isn’t about sexism whatsoever, it’s about someone stamping her feet because her husband doesn’t want to spend every spare second with her.
Also she hasn’t said she works at all or whether the child is in nursery- her being purposely evasive speaks volumes.

Ouch, YABU, I'm about to enter study and wow I'd be devastated if my dh had the same approach with me.

I think when the kids are little you should not put your own needs first all the time. Perhaps he could compromise and go for a short run.

Having read the thread, I strongly disagree drinkygin.

@TheLoneWolfDies sounds like the weekends when your partner is around are pretty much 50/50 in your household then! Nobody is claiming to own anybody, like I said it's common curtesy when in a partnership to check with the other person if they mind you doing such and such rather than just expecting to bugger off and leave the other one to get on with it like it or not! Your idea of what 'controlling' means seems very harsh!

@lottie fair enough. People own experiences mean they draw different conclusions to situations. My own relationship is very fair, equal and a supportive partnership. I can’t imagine having to ask permission to go for a run, or him having to ask me permission. Dirrerent strokes I guess.