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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH at weekends

247 replies

Hoopaloop · 15/03/2019 19:54

DH works full time, getting home from work at half 6 most nights. We have a 3yr old. He is also doing a college course which he has been doing for 3 years. I'm sick of his studying, he expects a day at the weekend to do it and whinges about not having any time in the evenings to do it. He's just asked me if he can go for a long run with his friend on Sunday morning. Clearly, he can't do both and I've told him this. He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect to have the whole weekend as a family. I think he has quite enough hobbytime and that he shouldn't expect to be able to run and study. AIBU to expect him to spend time with me and our child?

OP posts:
TheShuttle · 16/03/2019 08:44

What a cynical post TacoLover.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect to have the whole weekend as a family.

The DH is happy to spend just Sunday afternoon with his family. He is always busy with studies on Saturday.

Where did the OP say her DH does half of housework & childcare?

Taco, is the 2 days the OP is home with her DC not a contribution ? And every Saturday?

It sounds to me like the op is on her own in this relationship and is fed up of it. Almost since the DC was born her DH has made a huge time commitment that means significantly less time for his wife and DC. 3 years on the OP is at the end of her tether and has told him to step up. I'm not surprised.

The idea that the DH is making huge sacrifices on behalf of his family is possibly a red herring. That is not a given according to the OP. And might just be a great excuse to absent himself from the very exhausting early years.

We don't know, do we.

I think the number of people who have leapt to the DH's defence is incredible.

Even if the OP was a SAHM I would have sympathy with the OP.

OP, has your DH ever taken care of your DC for a weekend or ideally a week? It might help him understand how hard spending 100% of your time and energy in a baby/toddler is like.

TacoLover · 16/03/2019 09:14

The DH is happy to spend just Sunday afternoon with his family. He is always busy with studies on Saturday.

This is a one off occasion. He's not saying he's going to only spend half a day with them every single week. And by morning run, going for a morning run never takes an entire morning, does it? 2-3 hours at the most?

Where did the OP say her DH does half of housework & childcare?

She says in regards to housework they both just do what needs to be done, which implies that they share housework equally. And he does all the bedtimes with the children, whilst the OP cooks. So when they are both at home, they do equal childcare and housework. Which is why I think it's ridiculous to suggest that he is being selfish or not pulling his weight in some way, when he is spending every weekend studying for something that will benefit ALL of them. As I said before, I doubt the OP will be complaining when she's enjoying the extra money her DH is earning.

Damntheman · 16/03/2019 09:25

Wow this thread! So much for feminism. Apparently it's controlling now to expect a little consideration before having your children dropped in your lap for her more solo parenting time while your partner sails off for fun times without bothering to check if that's ok. What? Because it's the mother's job to be default parent and have have down time? Unbelievable.

OP you are not at all being unreasonable! Studying requires sacrifice when you're working and have a family and hobby time should be the first to go, not family time. He needs to study more after work and if he wants to run he needs to so it while the DC are asleep. He's not at all being fair to you and I'm not surprised you're not chuffed.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/03/2019 09:40

It's not at all clear that he's going to earn more as a result of the studying. Maybe he will, eventually. Maybe not. OP's response was 'kind of'. In the meantime OP is left carrying the weight of early years parenting, every single weekend - for three years so far and, how many more?

She cannot claim the same chunk of 'free time' to develop her own career (for however many years). I imagine she'd be very happy to reap the rewards of her own professional development in years to come - and being in a position to do so would give her freedom and choices in life, in a way that benefiting from his income will not.

I've met men who suddenly decide that having a new baby means this must be the right time to train for a marathon - so absent themselves systematically from the household. This sounds like it could be similar (or not, we don't know).

But, OP's question was whether she BU to want her DH to want to spend time with her and their child. She is not. She sounds lonely, as if she's feeling unloved, uncared for, increasingly accustomed to coming last on her DH's priority list and a little bit desparate.

Experiencing a pile-on by the Stepford contingent on this thread will not have helped her.

HarrySnotter · 16/03/2019 09:44

Wow this thread! So much for feminism. Apparently it's controlling now to expect a little consideration before having your children dropped in your lap for her more solo parenting time while your partner sails off for fun times without bothering to check if that's ok. What? Because it's the mother's job to be default parent and have have down time? Unbelievable.

Absolutely 'unbelievable'. Have you even read the thread? He's talking of going for a run, not a trip to the casino. He's studying for a reason, but I do not believe that means that he should have no down time at all. No wonder men have so many invisible mental health problems, when some women expect them to have no down time, particularly a healthy activity such as running.

Of course, parenting requires give and take for both parents and I am so grateful that DH was so supportive when I was studying while working. He realised I was doing it for us and we still managed to spend time as a family. He would often tell me to take some time for myself (usually running!) as he realised I was knackered and stressed. I would have hated if he had had this attitude of demanding that he control my time.

TacoLover · 16/03/2019 09:48

without bothering to check if that's ok

Eh? He literally asked her if he could go. For a run. It's hardly going on a drunken jolly all night ffs. And she said no, btw, saying that he can't study and go for a morning run.

TheShuttle · 16/03/2019 09:49

Yes, it's a one off Taco, but I think the point is the OP is fed up of accommodating her DH's needs as well as those of a very small child.

I've seen this time and time again. Many fathers are absolutely free to do what they like as the buck almost always falls with mother. Very few mothers prioritize their own needs over the rest of their family. And not many people have it in them to make significant medium term sacrifices for someone else's long term gain. I don't accept the OP is necessarily the beneficiary of any improved career prospects of her DH. They may not get that far at this rate, like 50% of married couples. She wants him to be more present in family life NOW. And if she is the beneficiary in the future it would have been at a significant cost. That is where she is now.

The DH needs to show more appreciation for the OPs position. I think the OP could absent herself for a fun day out on her own/with friends now and then on a Sunday to recharge her batteries and to lessen the resentment she feels.

They could both make better use of evenings to either study, let off some steam or go for a run if they planned it. Toddlers go to bed early so the evening is still ahead.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/03/2019 09:49

Where is her 'downtime'?

Who is showing any care or consideration for her mental health?

CostanzaG · 16/03/2019 09:59

It's very hard to judge with do little information. We don't know that he he isn't ensuring she has downtime.

My husband has been doing his PhD while working full time for over 6 years. He often works weekends and even goes on writing retreats. I don't begrudge him going out on top of this but he always makes sure I have time to myself and that we have time as a family. However, sometimes I have to take on more responsibility but it's never permanent and he reciprocates when he can.
It's about team work and being fair to each other.

Working full-time and studying is hard and that's without taking into account family responsibilities.

RedSkyLastNight · 16/03/2019 09:59

I know this is not the done thing but in frustration at the OP not answering any of the questions, I advanced searched her.
Somewhat ironically she'd started a thread a few months ago saying that on average once a month she went out partying for Saturday night and most of Sunday, and that DH rarely went out but was welcome to do so if he wanted to ...

drinkygin · 16/03/2019 10:04

@hardofcleaning I would say “I’m off for a run on Sunday morning just so you know not to make plans”. And he would me. There would be no asking permission!! If we both had plans then we would have a discussion and one of us would change, because we’re adults and that’s how relationships work.
@Pandasky I totally agree with you.

RedSkyLastNight · 16/03/2019 10:05

As it's not really effective to genuinely study continuously all day, a practical solution for OP and DH might be that he studies inthe morning, they (e.g.) go to the park for a couple of hours in the early afternoon, and then he goes back to studying. That would seem to be an easy way to get more family time whilst still allowing DH to complete his studies.

HarrySnotter · 16/03/2019 10:06

Where is her 'downtime'?

Well we don't know. The OP has told us very little.

HarrySnotter · 16/03/2019 10:08

OP isn't answering questions either (what does she do the two days she's not working, how long is the studying for) which makes me think we aren't getting the full story and she knows she's BU.

Absolutely agree.

TacoLover · 16/03/2019 10:08

Somewhat ironically she'd started a thread a few months ago saying that on average once a month she went out partying for Saturday night and most of Sunday, and that DH rarely went out but was welcome to do so if he wanted to

That is interesting.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/03/2019 10:11

Thelonewolfdies Why do you say your dh does cleaning "for you?"
Is it not his mess too?

HarrySnotter · 16/03/2019 10:11

Somewhat ironically she'd started a thread a few months ago saying that on average once a month she went out partying for Saturday night and most of Sunday, and that DH rarely went out but was welcome to do so if he wanted to

No, that can't be right surely? Some posters have been able to pick up from her, frankly very scant posts, that her DH is a big meanie and doesn't pull his weight and that she is the poor little put upon wifey. There have been mentions of feminism and everything, so surely you are mistaken ...

drinkygin · 16/03/2019 10:26

@harrysnotter Grin Grin Grin

TheLoneWolfDies · 16/03/2019 10:27

ohdeargod I dont know its just how i word things I suppose I wouldnt read too much into it 😂

TacoLover · 16/03/2019 10:29

Funny how the people desperate to paint DH as a selfish mean husband disappear when it comes to light that the OP goes out every month partying and DH rarely goes out, but when he asks to go for a morning run she denies itGrin

Bookworm4 · 16/03/2019 10:33

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3267833-AIBU-to-still-go-out?pg=1&order=
Someone is a liar and incredibly unreasonable 🙄

LakieLady · 16/03/2019 10:37

Yes, his hobby is running. I just don't think he should expect to study and run the same weekend.

Studying is not leisure time, if he's studying for a professional qualification that will benefit his career, and thus the whole family. If he's studying art history for fun then that's different. Treating it as time spent in the pub or at the footie is BU. It's more like being at work.

It also sounds as though the division of labour (relative to the amount of time spent not in paid work) is pretty reasonable between you.

The bigger issue seems to be the division of downtime for you both, and family time. That is entirely reasonable and it can't be beyond the wit of you both to sort out that you both get some "me time", maybe every other weekend.

How much longer will he be studying? If it's only another year, is it really worth making an issue of this now? It's not a hill I'd want to die on, tbh. If it's going to be another 2 or 3 years, I'd be minded to discuss arrangements now.

HarrySnotter · 16/03/2019 10:49

Ah so the OP likes to go out clubbing and with her mates for 24 hours or so, once a month, but her DH isn't permitted to go for a run? Okaaaaaay ...

lottiegarbanzo · 16/03/2019 10:53

Partying all night and day? Excellent! I'm pleased she does get her 'me time', once a month at least.

He gets Saturday to do his thing, weekly (which we don't know is vocational or financially beneficial), she gets Sunday to do hers - once a month. Three Sundays a month they could do something together. (Or he takes one, they get two).

The losers in that arrangement - especially if they're both trying to claim on Sundays as 'their own', are family time and the couple's relationship.

I've been the one studying every Saturday. That did mean DP wanted / needed to do his own thing on Sunday (every week! He wasn't content with once a month like OP). For a while, it meant we tag-teamed and rarely spent time together. Family events became points of negotiation - whose time were they coming out of? It was not easy at all.

For me to take the Saturday, then say I needed half the Sunday as well, would not have been (wasn't) an easy negotiating position.

TacoLover · 16/03/2019 10:56

People suggesting that studying for career progression(OP has said that he thinks it will improve his career) is the same as clubbingGrin

Also total ignorance of how in that post she says she would let her DH go out if he wanted to, yet when he wants to go for a run...