DH at weekends

[Hoopaloop]

DH works full time, getting home from work at half 6 most nights. We have a 3yr old. He is also doing a college course which he has been doing for 3 years. I'm sick of his studying, he expects a day at the weekend to do it and whinges about not having any time in the evenings to do it. He's just asked me if he can go for a long run with his friend on Sunday morning. Clearly, he can't do both and I've told him this. He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect to have the whole weekend as a family. I think he has quite enough hobbytime and that he shouldn't expect to be able to run and study. AIBU to expect him to spend time with me and our child?

Obviously we dont have much to go on as OP hasn’t said what downtime she gets (other than perhaps the thread about going out which may be the same person).

And yes, assuming the husband stays with the family, she will benefit should that studying lead to additional pay. It might not. However it doesn’t further her personal work or financial interests - unless the agreement is that she will have similar time to work full time/study etc once he has finished his course. They both could work and not have a child. They chose to have a child and her career/work prospects have already taken a side line which affects future prospects. I think any studying is a luxury when you have very young children and does have to come out of personal or work time when you have kids. I don’t see why the other partner should have to have an additional day a week of childcare forced upon them - and then lose out themselves by having to either choose personal or family time on the 7th day of the week.

Also, the husband asked her about a run. She didn’t say no he couldn’t run just that it didn’t work for her to have him study all day Saturday and be out Sunday morning too. He could run at lunchtime or during a study break on Saturday or one evening (it’s possible to run in the dark, or first thing one morning). I really do believe in give and take.

It sounds as if your whole life is devoted to your family whereas his is split between family, work, study and hobbies. Is running something you can do together? And do you have any hobbies of your own you can enjoy? I think you both need to find a happy balance. Best wishes

ArrowFanatic the thread has got so long because the OP has given so little information, so people are making assumptions.
A bit like you assuming she's a sahm (she's not).

YANBU. In my opinion, having a child is a joint responsibility. She's not 'lucky' that he helps out in the week. Just because she does more weekday childcare does not make her the 'default' childcare all week. I'm sure some mothers/wife's allow their partners to check in and out as they please, but it's perfectly reasonable to expect more consideration and equal effort from your partner. Working full-time isn't a free pass. As for the studying, perhaps he should ask work to give him study time as part of his working hours, if they refuse to be flexible on this then may be he needs to reconsider this commitment, rather than sacrifice family time. Or if he wants to continue to study and work full time and have a family he needs to sacrifice his 'run time' - why should he have everything as the detriment to his partner. I hate that people think it is acceptable for women to make significant sacrifices when they start a family but men can basically just carry on as normal and if they help out to we should consider themselves lucky!
My husband and I learnt early on how important it is to agree weekend plans with each other and respect each other's needs and not take the p**s in order to avoid arguments and resentment.

To be honest I feel a bit sad for him, he is obviously working hard to better himself, and he asked rather than told you that he'd like to go for a run with his friend. Sounds like a great antidote to the studying. Look at the bigger picture and give him more support.

I think a commitment to one day a week of family time is reasonable
if one partner is working full time and studying.

If the op needs some downtime maybe she could have Saturday evening & Sunday morning and then the rest of Sunday together. Or could dh come home early during the week a couple of nights to do bedtime and op could have this time alone?

Sometimes you have to do these things as a family to get ahead. Throughout our family life we have had to juggle dh's full time job and weekend job and then full time work and small business. It couldn't be helped and we just had to find time in amongst the week for me to have some extra time to myself so I didn't get too overwhelmed with having to deal with with children on the weekend alone, so I do sympathise op.

He's probably not allowed to go for a run in case it interferes with her rave nights out.

I wish people would stop confusing "controlling" with common courtesy, it's so annoying.

Her DH is trying to do the best he can career-wise, but I do think that starting years of studying just after their DC was born is less than ideal...he must be wrapping up soon, surely. If it's a doctorate, they need to at least talk about how they're going to manage the next couple of years.

Yes, qualifications can transform a career, my DH's MBA has done that, but you do have to factor in the rest of your life as well. Good luck ,OP.

@amIcrazy
Did you see OP previous post where she states she leaves the house at 7pm on a Sat to go partying and spends Sunday chilling before going home at 5/6pm? She's hardly a wee put upon wifey, she's got a cheek to be back on here bitching about her DH wanting to go for a run!

Not RTFT. But just to say I am currently divorcing my forces husband and his selfishness with weekend time has contributed massively, considering he gets Mon-Thurs working a few hours and having shit loads of 'me' time while I work full time and look after our 2 year old. Then comes home and spends the weekend playing football/seeing friends. I resent him massively. Some men are just selfish bastards and think it's ok because their mates are the same. Or because they think their women should tell them when they are doing something wrong, like we are meant to fucking mother them in addition to our actual children. I fucking hate men.
I'm staying single forever. Women are fucking amazing ✌🏻

Soz for the rant 🤷🏼‍♀️🙈

My mum managed to study every evening after supper, despite having 3 children, an aging parent and various hangers-on to look after (our house was always full of itinerant relatives, down on their luck friends, or paying guestst), as well as doing all the housework because she and my dad were of that generation. She also worked fuin a professional job - hence the studying, to get to the next level and get promotion.

She spent far more time with us kids than our dad who only had a ft job to manage.

CostanzaG

I understand where you are coming from, I really do. I think societal norms are changing but much faster in some areas than others. And maternal gatekeeping is an issue imo, for what it's is worth.

There is one particular poster on Mumsnet I have never forgotten. She came on here and said that out of the blue her DH had viciously anally raped her while their children were sleeping in the same room because they had guests sleeping in the children's room. She was badly injured and in a lot of pain and didn't know what to do. How could she make a fuss in front of family?

Gradually it came to light that this woman was in a terribly abusive relationship. She didn't know what a normal relationship was.

My impression on these boards is that there are a lot of women who live like this. From all socio-economic backgrounds. Women who have not learned self-worth and who accept a lot of really bad and/or abusive behaviour from their partners.

So I think it is good to show support and sympathy for any woman who is maybe just having a bad day and being completely unreasonable. But may also be the one who is viciously attacked before she realises she is not in a good relationship.

I think I've said enough for today.

What is his hobby time? Surely not the time he spends studying unless it is relating to a hobby. I worked full time and studied part time work related and it is no joke. Surely there is one day of weekend you can all do family activity together.

theshuttle while I agree wholeheartedly that we should be supporting women in abusive relationships (a cause incredibly close to my heart for very personal reasons) we must be careful not to assume that the majority of women are that position.
There was absolutely nothing to suggest that the OP is in an abusive relationship - in fact quite the opposite.
If we take the stance that almost all men are treating women badly then we just perpetuate stereotypes and do nobody any favours.

On balance if the studying he is doing benefits all of you in the long term then that’s good and you can’t complain as he is working hard. Are you getting any time to yourself as that’s important and are you getting any time just the 2 of you ?
I think if you address that you will feel better . The truth is it’s hard having kids and jobs and chores and mortgages/ rent to pay and there’s a finite amount of time in the week . Wishing you luck sorting things 💐

I worked full time when I was studying. I would get home at about 6:30. After dinner and putting the kids to bed I would spend another 2-3 hours marking. I would finish at about 11. Then I would work on assignments till about 3am. I did this so I could spend quality time with my children on the weekend. I would then work when they went to bed. You are told when you start studying that sacrifices are going to have to be made but I was not going to let it be family time. It was frustrating at times. And I did “cheat” by sometimes doing things for myself. It’s not easy. It is stressful. Give him a break every now and then, but also try talk to him and explain how you’re feeling.

I don't think OP is unreasonable. Her DH is checking out of family life for a large portion of the weekend and leaving everything else on her. She's not UR for wanting things to be more balanced.

Her DH is checking out of family life for a large portion of the weekend and leaving everything else on her. She's not UR for wanting things to be more balanced.

He wants to go for a run. If he goes for a run for three hours and leaves at 7am on the Sunday morning he could still be home by 10am! I don't understand how some people can even compare that with the OP going out at around 7pm on the Saturday evening and returning home at 5pm the following day. It seems that men will always be in the wrong, no matter what.

OP has been outed as a massive liar who's clearly engineered her posts to get favourable responses and people are still defending her. Madness.

You sound like my DH he gets irritated when I study in family time! I want to get out of minimum wage jobs and boring careers! It's hard to meld lives together but surely you have to let him study especially if it is going to improve your lives!

I think your resentment of his course is unreasonable, but it is not unreasonable to say you and your child want some of his time too, and to insist on at least one afternoon as a family every weekend.