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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH at weekends

247 replies

Hoopaloop · 15/03/2019 19:54

DH works full time, getting home from work at half 6 most nights. We have a 3yr old. He is also doing a college course which he has been doing for 3 years. I'm sick of his studying, he expects a day at the weekend to do it and whinges about not having any time in the evenings to do it. He's just asked me if he can go for a long run with his friend on Sunday morning. Clearly, he can't do both and I've told him this. He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect to have the whole weekend as a family. I think he has quite enough hobbytime and that he shouldn't expect to be able to run and study. AIBU to expect him to spend time with me and our child?

OP posts:

Ellapaella · 15/03/2019 20:15

When will you get some time to yourself op? You're not being unreasonable if you don't get anytime to yourself.

SavoyCabbage · 15/03/2019 20:15

Yabu to expect the whole weekend to be family time. But not unreasonable to expect sone family time at weekends.

Casmama · 15/03/2019 20:17

This sure is bizarre. If op had said he had come in and announced he was going on a run people would have been up in arms that he just expected to provide childcare. The perfectly normal process of checking plans with your partner to insure your off spring are being cared for is now criticised as him asking permission and the op being unreasonable!

Casmama · 15/03/2019 20:17

Site not sure

TheCrowFromBelow · 15/03/2019 20:17

DP would ask me but that’s because he knows that I might have something on, DCs don’t look after themselves or get themselves to training and matches, and the dog can’t walk himself.
I’d be pretty pissed off if he just said I’m off for a run and left me to do everything . It’s just polite.
OTOH I wouldn’t say no if there wasn’t something else happening.
OP I suggest you plan something as a family for Saturday and he can fit his studies in around that and the running.

Do you get any time to yourself ?

C0untDucku1a · 15/03/2019 20:17

You said he has quite enough hobby time. What hobby does he do and when?

What is he studying? And are the actual job benefits to it?

MrsExpo · 15/03/2019 20:19

What is he studying, and why? Is it something which will give him better employment prospects eventually? If so, this is not “down time” it’s work.

Skypatrol · 15/03/2019 20:21

Has op said anywhere that she doesn't work?

Does this man do any housework?
Does he spend any time with his child?
Does he give the op a break?

Or is the op doing literally everything meanwhile enabling his career?

Ragwort · 15/03/2019 20:25

I can’t imagine having to ‘ask’ my DH if I could go for a run .... what happens in the week? Are you working? Is your child in nursery? Do you get to enjoy your own hobbies & interests (please don’t say you haven’t got any ...... ).

PoliticalBiscuit · 15/03/2019 20:26

He strikes me as someone who is very clear about what he needs, not what you would need as well. So he needs to work, exercise, and study. All of those things benefit you as well but if you end up as an effective single parent because he's busy fulfilling what he needs you'll have to do every thing else. It's difficult but I think he needs to be making time outside of family time as much as he can. Exercise can be compromised and done on week day evenings, after child's bedtime. He could wake up on Saturday and Sunday early for studying, try and get flexible hours for work to carve more time in.

Why are his sacrifices only yours? Why is he carving out the short time a child is awake to get what he needs?

Boysey45 · 15/03/2019 20:27

YANBU, Why cant he go for a run early on Sat and then study the rest of the day and spend time with the family on Sunday? He should have thought about all this before he had a family.
I think hes taking the piss, he could go for a run before work or after. He cant have a family and never put any effort in himself.

NameChangeNugget · 15/03/2019 20:29

YABU.

DrWhy · 15/03/2019 20:29

I’m surprised that the responses here are all so hard on the OP, if they are both working full time and she does all the evening childcare and domestic work so he can study, does more childcare at the weekend so he can study and is also expected to do childcare so he can do his hobby and go running then I don’t think she’s at all unreasonable to be peeved about that! My DH asks if he can have a hobby day at the weekend, its not me being awful and controlling it’s really asking me if I’m willing to do a day of solo childcare, I do the same.
The nature of the studying does make some difference, if it’s a relevant course that’s going to lead directly to an improved job and family situation that’s one thing, if he’s studying Ancient Greek because he enjoys it, or halfway through a part time PhD in something obscure then it’s basically a hobby and quite different.
I think OP and her DH need to sit down and look at how their time is spent, decide if the study time is for him or for them as a family, then see how much is left and try to split it in a way they are all happy with between family time and time for each of them. We aim for one weekend day at least together as a family and then one free roughly every other week, sometimes less for each of us.
From a practical POV he could get a running buggy and take the 3 year old or go early in the morning before they are up so he gets his run without dumping more childcare on OP.

Original poster

Hoopaloop · 15/03/2019 20:29

His studying related to his work. He thinks it will get him more money.

He gets son ready for nursery 3 days a week and puts him to bed most nights. I have to make lunches and get dinner ready. Cleaning just gets done, one of us will take son while other does jobs around the house.

OP posts:

Amummyatlast · 15/03/2019 20:29

Oh come on. I ask my DH if I can go for a run as someone has to look after DD while I’m out. And given that he does the majority of the childcare during the week, it would be selfish of me to tell him I was going for a run whether he liked it or not.

thedisorganisedmum · 15/03/2019 20:31

Massively BU, sorry.

He'll work and study better if he can get some exercise. I wouldn't describe studying as a "hobby" either.

I am one of the people called "pathetic" and worst because I do most things with my DH, but I still find it strange that your poor man had to ask you permission and you refused for him to do something.

Give him his child for 1 hour on Saturday morning and go for a run or a swim yourself, he can study after.

thedisorganisedmum · 15/03/2019 20:32

He gets son ready for nursery 3 days a week and puts him to bed most nights. I have to make lunches and get dinner ready.

you are very lucky he starts work so late and finishes so early he can do that much.

Kittykat93 · 15/03/2019 20:33

I work full time, study online part time and am also a mother to a 16 month old. The weekends I am totally hands on with my son and spending time with family as I'm very busy in the week.

I can understand him wanting to do things, but I can also understand you wanting time all together and for him to help out with the kids, it's bloody hard entertaining a child on your own all day! And can be quite miserable.

TheLoneWolfDies · 15/03/2019 20:35

Well i personally wouldnt ask dp, i would simply say 'im going for a run on sunday so you have the baby for an hour' and that would be that. Hed have no problem and id get my run. The concept of permission is very crontrolling

Skypatrol · 15/03/2019 20:36

Why is she lucky that he can do those things?

I'm baffled by this thread, I always thought parenting was supposed to be 50/50, it seems I have transported in time back to the 1950s

Shinesweetfreedom · 15/03/2019 20:37

Have I missed it where you say what his hobby is and when and how long he does it for

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2019 20:37

So he’s doing his share, has quality time with your child, works ft, is studying on top to improve his prospects. He sounds alright to me.

Do you work ft? Have any hobbies?

HarrySnotter · 15/03/2019 20:37

Sorry if I've missed this, do you also work full time OP?

drinkygin · 15/03/2019 20:38

Your update makes me agree more that you are entirely unreasonable. He does his fair share with your son. Also “he thinks it will get him more money”...so it will further his career then. Presumably benefitting you all collectively as a family?
OP you haven’t confirmed if you work or if your son is in nursery at all.

Boysey45 · 15/03/2019 20:38

I wouldn't see the point in being married to him, he just wants all his free time to himself.Why should OP be a single parent when shes married?

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