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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH at weekends

247 replies

Hoopaloop · 15/03/2019 19:54

DH works full time, getting home from work at half 6 most nights. We have a 3yr old. He is also doing a college course which he has been doing for 3 years. I'm sick of his studying, he expects a day at the weekend to do it and whinges about not having any time in the evenings to do it. He's just asked me if he can go for a long run with his friend on Sunday morning. Clearly, he can't do both and I've told him this. He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect to have the whole weekend as a family. I think he has quite enough hobbytime and that he shouldn't expect to be able to run and study. AIBU to expect him to spend time with me and our child?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 15/03/2019 22:39

If the study is affecting family happiness so much....why not approach work and request a sabbatical month to try and blast the course? Think about a deal and see if his firm might part fund some study leave? If he got one months solid study leave that would be 22 working days - equivalent to nearly 6 months of weekends single study days. I'd at least give that a go if you're finding his course pergatory. I don't think your attitude is great tbh or helping him. Self study requires real commitment.....presumably you'll be happy to enjoy the promotional opportunities and better pay it might bring one day no doubt?

AnyWalls · 15/03/2019 22:41

YABVVU.
If someone was policing when I could run, I'd tell them to leave, we'll share custody and have done with it.
NOBODY will ever tell me what to do and when I can do it again.

Tohaveandtohold · 15/03/2019 22:43

Yes YABU.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/03/2019 22:44

I've been the one studying. I cannot imagine presuming I could have 3/4 of the weekend to myself, 1/4 of it leisure time for me alone, while DP looked after our young, demanding child, allowing half a day's 'family time' OR leisure time for him, then accusing him of being unreasonable for not acceding to my desire.

Tinkobell · 15/03/2019 22:45

I think if the OP becomes over dictatorial the DH will get pretty bloody depressed and unexercised. Sorry OP, but you do sound like a right bossy Boots.

drinkygin · 15/03/2019 22:47

But that’s just it. We don’t KNOW how much leisure time the op gets. Their child may be in nursery full time. She hasn’t answered the question. Study it not leisure time it’s work, I studies while working full time and it was incredibly hard.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/03/2019 22:48

The DH is being dictatorial about OP doing childcare. After three days at work and three days of childcare this week, he is trying to dictate that she does another half day's childcare. I think she'll get pretty bloody depressed and unexercised. I think she already is. I think he sounds like a right bossy, demanding, ungrateful cow.

drinkygin · 15/03/2019 22:50

No evidence of that whatsoever. In the very words of the op, he asked permission which was declined, he demanded nothing.

drinkygin · 15/03/2019 22:50

She hasn’t said she works three days a week either

TheShuttle · 15/03/2019 22:52

So the DH works 5 days / week, puts his DC to bed after work & does nursery drop off 3 X week.

1 month after DC was born he started a course that might help him in his work. This takes 1 day on the weekend.

The op is working 3 days / week in order to care for their DC for 2 days as well as one further day on the weekend.

So she has exclusive care for their DC on 3 days a week. And works the other 3.

She is annoyed because he doesn't want to spend the one day a week he has free with her and their DC. He'd rather go out with a friend and spend just Sunday afternoon with his wife and DC. And he thinks that is enough

That's half a day he wants to devote to his familial responsibilities.

The OP would then be left alone with their DC for 3 and a half days in the week.

She's not getting paid for that.
Her career prospects are going down the pan for that.
She's doing the lion's share of domestic drudgery.
She's on her own the vast majority of the time.
She's not getting down time either.

He is working hard for his own benefit and is good at getting down time for himself. He does very little childcare and spends almost no time on his own with his DC.

After 3 years of this, I can see how the OP is fed up of bringing up their child on her own and would be happier if her DH wanted to spend more time with his DW and DC. I think that's reasonable.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/03/2019 22:52

She has said she works three days a week.

I have the same amount of evidence as the poster two posts above me.

gart · 15/03/2019 22:56

How often does DH run during the week?

TheShuttle · 15/03/2019 23:04

I always "ask" my DH if he is ok with me going somewhere when he would be left with the kids. He extends the same courtesy to me.

I don't think either of us have ever said "no" in more than 15 years. Because neither of us take the piss.

"Control" doesn't come into the mix at all.

DrWhy · 15/03/2019 23:47

I really don’t get all these people saying it’s awful and controlling for him to have to ask permission to go for a run. If you have a small child and don’t ask some version of ‘is it OK if I go for a run with Fred / Coffee with Bob / a haircut? etc. Then at some point you end up both making plans with no one left to look after the child. I can only assume the people who think having to check / schedule / negotiate your free time is so abusive either don’t have children or their children are old enough that they don’t recall them needing constant care. Sometimes the answer is ‘no, you can’t do that, sorry, I already have plans or ‘actually I need a break as if I hear the words ‘why?’ or ‘no!’ one more time I’m going to spontaneously combust!’ Then you go on and figure out a solution that gets everyone’s needs met as best as possible.

HardofCleaning · 15/03/2019 23:50

@drinkygin

That's silly of course you would need to ask your partner to go for a run. Firstly because it's just common curtesy to let your partner know your plans secondly because what if your partner had their own plans on Sunday morning and you were both expecting the other to look after your son? How would that even work?

HardofCleaning · 15/03/2019 23:53

I really don’t get all these people saying it’s awful and controlling for him to have to ask permission to go for a run.

Exactly this. How would that even work? You just decide you're going out and leave your partner with your son. What if your partner had made her own plans for Sunday morning? I would always check with DH if I was making plans for the weekend so we make sure we don't clash. He does the same. I would be pissed off if he just decided he was going out and just expected me to be the default parent in charge.

PandaSky · 15/03/2019 23:57

I can see how the OP is fed up of bringing up their child on her own

Three days a week childcare is not "bringing up their child on her own". Three days a week they are both at work. So she's not bringing up the child on her own for those three days because the mornings and evenings are covered by her DH and nursery. So she gets far more of a break from 'childcare' than many, many parents!

Seriously, it's a joke reading people bickering about how many days each parent in a couple does childcare when some single parents do it literally entirely on their own without a break 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. It's pathetic. I struggle to understand why people can't cope looking after their own children for just three days a week!

OP has not even clarified what she does on the other two weekdays she's not at work or how many days the DC is in nursery for (just that DH does 3 drop offs).

HardofCleaning · 16/03/2019 00:01

Apparently OP shouldn't have any time for her own career or hobbies or social life. She should be grateful her DH bothers to spend any time with them at all. If you decide to take on extra study to further your career surely you realise that will eat into leisure time? When does OP get to improve her career or indulge her hobbies?

HeathRobinson · 16/03/2019 01:24

YANBU op. How much child free time do you get?

PregnantSea · 16/03/2019 02:30

YABU

TheShuttle · 16/03/2019 07:16

PandaSky

The DH thinks one day a week with his family is too much and he should have a free pass to go out with a friend.

The DH is happy to devote half a day a week to his family. The OP is resentful about this and I can understand why. She isn't a single parent so there is no reason to compare her to one.

I suspect a less selfish DH would fit in a lot more study time in the evening if he gets home at 6.30. 2 hours or more three evenings a week should easily be possible and would cut down weekend work.

Time and time again father's are lauded for doing the smallest things for their DC but they only do what they are happy and prepared to do while mothers do basically everything and are criticised for pointing it out and for being resentful.

It's useful to think about who makes sacrifices for their family and whose needs are sacrificed.

Hint: it's rarely the father!

TacoLover · 16/03/2019 07:56

So he's studying to get a better salary, which will go to support you and your family, he shares housework and home responsibilities 50/50 even though he works quite a bit more than you do, and he's not allowed to go for a run? Why the fuck do you get to decide whether he can go for a runHmm

TacoLover · 16/03/2019 08:08

The DH thinks one day a week with his family is too much and he should have a free pass to go out with a friend.

He didn't say it was too much. He said he wanted to go on a morning run. Somehow doing some exercise with a friend on one morning can be equated to saying that he thinks one day with his family is too muchConfused

The DH is happy to devote half a day a week to his family.
Can you point me to where the DH has said this morning run will be every single week? From what I've seen this is a one off.

I suspect a less selfish DH would fit in a lot more study time in the evening if he gets home at 6.30. 2 hours or more three evenings a week should easily be possible and would cut down weekend work.

Well this 'selfish' husband doesn't have time in the evenings, because he's doing half of the housework and childcare responsibilities while he's home..despite working way more than the OP does, which suggests that he's doing more than his fair share. How is that selfishConfusedhe's also studying to get a better salary, which if you havent noticed benefits the whole family! It's not a bloody pastime to study! He's doing it for the OP and his family as well as himself presumably.

Time and time again father's are lauded for doing the smallest things for their DC but they only do what they are happy and prepared to do while mothers do basically everything and are criticised for pointing it out and for being resentful.

That isn't the case here though is it? The father does half of the work, despite working longer hours and more days a week.

It's useful to think about who makes sacrifices for their family and whose needs are sacrificed.

Presumably the one day every weekend that the DH spends studying for the future benefit of his wife and child is a sacrifice that he is making? I dont imagine its fun to study for a whole day every weekend when youre knackered from a full week's work on top of 50/50 housework and household responsibilities.

What needs are being sacrificed for the OP, then? One morning run is going to cripple her into the ground, is it? I think the DH is sacrificing more than she is, and it's for her bloody benefit too! I think the OP should be more grateful that her husband is dedicating half his weekend to studying so that she and their child can have a better future. Bet you won't be complaining when you are enjoying his higher salary OPHmm

LagunaBubbles · 16/03/2019 08:15

The OP said on the first page that they work 3 days a week

No you didn't say that OP, you said nothing about whether you worked or not until you claimed you did! Hmm

PandaSky · 16/03/2019 08:22

The DH thinks one day a week with his family is too much and he should have a free pass to go out with a friend.

Where does it say this in OP's posts? Her OP says he studies one day every weekend and now he's asked to for a long run with a friend this Sunday. It doesn't even imply it's going to be a regular thing but a one off. If she had said he's asked to do this every weekend then yes, I would agree she's not unreasonable but everything she's written implies this is not a regular occurrence.

OP isn't answering questions either (what does she do the two days she's not working, how long is the studying for) which makes me think we aren't getting the full story and she knows she's BU.