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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH at weekends

247 replies

Hoopaloop · 15/03/2019 19:54

DH works full time, getting home from work at half 6 most nights. We have a 3yr old. He is also doing a college course which he has been doing for 3 years. I'm sick of his studying, he expects a day at the weekend to do it and whinges about not having any time in the evenings to do it. He's just asked me if he can go for a long run with his friend on Sunday morning. Clearly, he can't do both and I've told him this. He thinks I'm being unreasonable to expect to have the whole weekend as a family. I think he has quite enough hobbytime and that he shouldn't expect to be able to run and study. AIBU to expect him to spend time with me and our child?

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 15/03/2019 21:00

Blimey OP, you’re lucky he’s not frontline emergency services. DH and I barely saw each other when our dd was little. He’d only have one weekend in four off.

He needed time to go for a run and de-stress and also time to study. “Hobby time” and studying aren’t the same thing. What is his hobby? Is it running?

Assuming you get some down-time too then yes, it does sound as if YABU.

BishooWishoo · 15/03/2019 21:00

It’s really not unheard of at all! DH and I do full days in the office, he does drop off, I do pick up and we put DS to bed together then cook together. We could easily take turns to put him to bed while the other cooked. OPs DH isn’t superdad because he does childcare in the morning and evening, nor is he unusual.

BishooWishoo · 15/03/2019 21:01

When will she have time for equal downtime if he’s taking 3/4 of the weekend with his stuff?

HellAndDegenerates · 15/03/2019 21:01

You need to organise all free time and split it evenly between you both.

If he does a few things, whoop do doo, he's pare ting his child, doesn't make him golden bollocks.

Work out when the free time is, split it. He gets Sunday, you get Saturday.

Meowandthen · 15/03/2019 21:05

The OP hasn’t said that she has a job even though she has been asked several times so I can only assume not. The study seems to be career related so that makes her unreasonable.

Getting home at 6.30pm is not late so they have time together as a couple in the evening as they only have one child.

thedisorganisedmum · 15/03/2019 21:06

Skypatrol
where did you read I have full time help? I have a full time husband, with a full time job too, we manage like everybody else. We swap around!

Sometimes we had an au-pair, but I wouldn't call them a full time help, they are just students giving a few hours of babysitting.

MadAboutWands · 15/03/2019 21:08

I would say he is extremely lucky to have someone ready to shoulder so much of the weight whilst he is studying.
Studying like this for 3 or 4 years is hard on both partners tbh and you both have to make sacrifices. Those sacrifices will give something in return but not for you.

I wouod also say that if he wants to go running once in a while too that’s ok and you wouod BU to say No. Studying is hard and to be able to cope with it, you also need some breaks.

I say that as someone who is do g exactly what your DH is doing atm btw. Working, long hours and studying (which, yes, often includes a day doing homework)

However what stands out for me is the moaning. THAT is what I would to accept. He has chosen to do that training. And he has chosen to do it just when he had become a father. Yes it’s hard work but tbh it nearly feels like a cop-out in his side to avoid (some of) the responsibilities. He has no reason to moan and moan. If it’s that hard, then he should stop imo, take a year break or whatever until he feels ready to start studying again. He can’t expect you to shoulder a lot more responsibility, give up family time AND be his champion again and again because he can’t be bothered/it’s too hard etc.... Working in the evenings was l’art if thé Deal and he knew it.

HeyNannyNanny · 15/03/2019 21:08

If you don't work OP then YABVVVU.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/03/2019 21:10

Oh come on. I ask my DH if I can go for a run as someone has to look after DD while I’m out.

This ^ DH and I "tag-team" with our children and ask each other before scheduling an activity we want to do alone or with friends. It's normally fine, but I think the OP is getting fed up with the lack of family time.

Could you all spend time together on Sunday afternoon? Or will he be exhausted from the long run? Also, how long is he going to be studying for? I know some part-time degrees allow students up to 5 years to complete them

It would make a difference to me if the end was in sight and he just needed extra study time for a few more months.

Original poster
Hoopaloop · 15/03/2019 21:16

The OP hasn’t said that she has a job even though she has been asked several times so I can only assume not.

The OP said on the first page that they work 3 days a week.

Yes, his hobby is running. I just don't think he should expect to study and run the same weekend.

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 15/03/2019 21:17

I'm a sahm, dh works full time. Dh usually gets the 4dc breakfast and 2dc lunches ready in the morning. He puts the two youngest to bed most nights.

I cram a full time course into time I can, very rarely if I have a few deadlines dh will offer to take the dc out for 2-3 hours for me to crack on.

He rarely goes out, neither do I. Life plods on without bitterness.

Life's not a competition.

sansou · 15/03/2019 21:23

OP - I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. DH did his MBA whilst holding down a FT job back in the day. This was before we had DC though and I was working FT too and didn't suffer the resentment that you clearly do. DH did it in 2 yrs but he took half his annual leave during those 2 yrs for MBA studying purposes. 20 yrs later, it was a worthy investment for his career.

Is it not possible to compromise that he does a run on Sun morning and study in the afternoons and Sat will be a family day as well as the day that you get a lie-in? If he wants to have a run on Sunday, he sacrifices his weekend lie-ins!

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2019 21:24

Where on earth did you say you work 3 days a week? You said he did nursery drop off 3 days a week. Can’t see anything about working.

popsadaisy · 15/03/2019 21:30

@TheLoneWolfDies I don't think it's controlling I think it's just respectful 'are you ok to watch LO on Saturday whilst I go for a run?' I would ask my partner the same and he would me, it's just polite when two people are caring for LO at the weekend not to just bugger off and leave the other one to do it alone. What if he had planned a run and she had planned to meet a friend and neither asked the other if it was alright, who would look after LO then? Just common curtesy really!

cuppycakey · 15/03/2019 21:32

What is he studying?

tbh it does look like YABU.

If he is studying so that he can increase his career prospects which will benefit the whole family, then you really shouldn't be lumping that in as "hobby time"

It sounds like he is doing a lot with FT work and study, so having a few hours to run is probably good for him mentally.

However, it does depend also on how much time you get to yourself throughout the week - If you work 3 days a week that would appear to give you at least a few hours a week to meet friends/go to museums/go to the gym/whatever floats your boat.

Ragwort · 15/03/2019 21:32

So what exactly do you ‘expect’ your DH to do? You sound very controlling.

HarrySnotter · 15/03/2019 21:35

You sound an absolute treat OP.

Where did you say you worked three days a week?

Dragongirl10 · 15/03/2019 21:36

YABU, he is presumably studying to earn more money to benefit the family so therefore studying is 'work' not fun.

assuming a run is not more than a couple of hours that is perfectly reasonable.

frenchknitting · 15/03/2019 21:38

A bit of exercise is a non-negotiable bare minimum, IMO. If you weren't happy with the studying then the time to say it was 3 years ago - when he has committed this amount of effort then he has to see it through.

I am in a similar position, with a DH who is studying, and number of other hobbies. My tips:

  • We try to make sure we do something nice as a family at least one afternoon at the weekend.
  • I plan my weekend day alone with the kids, so I am going out somewhere with them (that I will also enjoy), or meeting friends/family, etc, and not trying to keep them quiet at home.
  • the 3 days where he is doing nursery drop off, I get up early and get my exercise time in
  • I plan activities for me, or time just the two of us months in advance, so I have stuff to look forward to and he can plan around it.

You just need to decide what you need and plan it in, really.

Meowandthen · 15/03/2019 21:40

Hoopaloop - you did not say you worked three days a week on the first page.

Don’t lie to try and make yourself sound less selfish.

I think he runs to get away from your moaning.

feelingsinister · 15/03/2019 21:41

I really think you need to separate his study and running. Studying is not a hobby, it's often tiring and stressful especially on top of a full time job and a family.

He does need to make sure that he is keeping time aside for you and his child but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to go for a run at the weekend if that's what he enjoys doing. Work out a plan together that suits you both.

Bookworm4 · 15/03/2019 21:44

Deary me another diva controlling wife. He has to ask to go for a run? What were you planning afull 48 hrs of high excitement 'family time'?
What world are people living in? Work mon-fri, every weekend glued together? You do there people who work shifts? 10 days on etc? Get a grip, he's doing his best for his family with work & study.

Lazypuppy · 15/03/2019 21:46

@Hoopaloop

The OP said on the first page that they work 3 days a week

No you didn't

myothernameismyrealone · 15/03/2019 21:47

Well, this feels like a thread where people are enjoying sticking the oar in.

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable. Do you get time for yourself, to do nice things as a family, does he do 50% of the jobs around the home? I think it's a bit selfish for him to assume you'll do the childcare every weekend while he gets to further his career and keep fit - you're being expected to enable him and be grateful for it!

OTOH I don't see why he shouldn't do both at the weekend but why on earth can't he manage to study after dinner and get up early for a run, most people I know fit in study and fitness this way (and have long commutes and leave early and get home later than 18.30 as the norm) - they don't expect their partner to sacrifice a large chunk of their weekend for them.

To me walking into the room and announcing you're off out and assuming the other person is just about to look after the kids is a damn sight worse than "asking" if it's ok (ie convenient) with the other person first, it's not exactly controlling to check with someone if they're needed to watch the kids.

And he gets his own child ready for nursery for a whopping three days a week, what a hero 🙄 but OP gets no credit for looking after the child for a bulk of the weekend and presumably not getting to develop her own career while working p/t and she presumably does all the childcare on the other days.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2019 21:49

Yabu.
All the things your dh does seem to be to help his family - working/studying/childcare. He wants to go for one run on one weekend day once and you've said no. That sounds like a miserable existence.

And you didn't say you worked 3 days. You said your dh took your son to nursery 3 days.

If I had your families logistics, which seems to be - him 6 days work study, you 3 days work, 3 days childcare; then on the 7 th day I would mix it all up, some family time, some me time for him, some for you.