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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH turning down a very well paid job

322 replies

BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 09:06

Will try to be short ; DH was made redundant 18months ago and ,apart from a 6 week stint as a contractor, has not worked. He could not find work so after 7 months I left my low paid but great part time job to go full time locumming to bring in more money. To cut a long story short , after 18montgs finally he has two contract job offers on the table. Option 1 - local firm doing something not related to what he is qualified in and pay reflecting this - just above NLW . But pension and sick pay etc. Option 2 - working 400 miles away , compressed hours (4 days a week) doing what he is qualified to do for 6500 pounds a month. I don't need to say that that money woild be amazing for us - for anyone but he does not want to be away from home really . AIBU for thinking he is mad and selfish ???? Help Mumsnet I need sound advice and perhaps a cold bucket of water to stop me feeling put out ....Confused

OP posts:
anniehm · 14/03/2019 16:49

Dh travels quite a lot so I would just take the money.

Troels · 14/03/2019 16:58

Can he fly up to Manchester or Liverpool and get the train from there to Wrexham?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 17:06

The hours on offer were 7-6 Monday to weds and 7 -3 Thursday
So in the week he's up and out say 6.30 - 6.30 if not 6-7 then Thursday he's out at 6 / 6.30, finish at 3, say on the road by 4. Stop for a wee and dinner en route. Yours for 9 and likely faiy soon to bed.

Sunday he'll want to be back and in bed by a reasonable time so maybe lunch then head off. So he'll get 2.5 days with you

How will the kids feel about seeing him so little given he's currently sahd but could at least be home for dinner e ery night with the other job? The little one probably can't remember him working at all and is the big one gearing up for GCSE's?

It isn't as simple as his selfishly derailing your property ownership plans.

LillianandJustin · 14/03/2019 17:08

I think those hours sound quite doable - drive up Sunday afternoon and back home on Thursday afternoon. A nice Air BnB such as you've described means you and the dcs could do the travelling in school holidays and also get a feel for the area in case the contract is extended and you consider relocating. I'd definitely try it for six months - especially in the absence of a reasonable alternative. Six months is no time and as a pp said six months from now would be the lightest months of the year (for ease of driving - can't believe everyone is making such a big deal of the driving tbh as long as he has a decent, reliable car).

Caterina99 · 14/03/2019 17:11

I’m pretty sure our family would take that job. The only difference would be if DH really wanted to change careers, but even then if the money was good, we might still consider it worth it for 6 months and those compressed hours. He’d be back Thursday night late and wouldn’t have to leave again til Sunday tea time.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 17:14

We would only do it if we were considering relocating in the future.

It doesn't sound like it will open doors into many other roles nearer, and we wouldn't want those arrangements long term

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 17:16

I'm assuming you have an early teatime...

cstaff · 14/03/2019 17:17

It does sound like it is worth it especially as it is for a 6 month contract and if they do offer him long term after that, at least at that stage he will have worked the job for those 6 months and got a good feel for it. If he doesn't like it then he can leave and if it works out well for him then the option will hopefully be there for him to stay.

And while those hours sound long it is perfect for a three and a half days week - finish Thursday and go home for the weekend and no family to worry about for those days.

Caterina99 · 14/03/2019 17:20

Well to be fair my kids are small and eat about 4.30. Agreed though, probably after lunch on Sunday would be better.

The kids barely see DH in the week anyway and he works close by, just longer hours. And I used to commute 1.5 hours each way to work every day before I was a sahm. I agree not ideal, but definitely worth considering IF he wants to stay in that field

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 17:23

I don't think it should be discarded and I'd prob want DH to take it, but I think trying to push him into it when it isn't just a job it's a whole lifestllye change is unfair.

Especially when it comes across as OP wanting to go back to part time and buy a nice house and tough luck if that means an unhappy DH who misses him family.

Purpleartichoke · 14/03/2019 17:24

I wouldn’t want to be away from home every week either. Plus he will need a place to live and have travel expenses.

howabout · 14/03/2019 17:32

We have had this conundrum.

The contract rate is never as good as you think.

600 miles a week in petrol, accommodation. childcare costs are just the expenses you can see.

Contracts don't accrue holidays and when they end you have a lay off which you have to account for.

As a rule of thumb contract rate should be double salaried rate and then you knock off living away allowance - so £75k is actually barely more than minimum wage, given the higher rate tax on the top slice.

Local contracting usually works financially but working away rarely does unless it is a transition to something permanent OR living and travelling expenses are reclaimable.

Purpleartichoke · 14/03/2019 17:39

I wouldn’t do it for the money. I wo In fact, I would be sure not to trade money for time and rest. So arrange travel and housing for maximum convenience, not cheapest cost. uld strongly consider it for keeping the cv looking good.

FloofenHoofen · 14/03/2019 17:46

My husband works overseas. I see him 2 months out of 12. He does it because we need the money.

You sacrificed your position so that you could all survive and I suspect you are feeling annoyed by the fact he cannot do the same?
You obviously can't force him to do it, but for £6500 a month, it's fairly obvious that it's going to be the better paid out of the two.

Have you raised this with him? It's never fair when one person doesn't try as hard as the other person in a relationship.

Farmerswifey12 · 14/03/2019 17:50

I don't understand the money isn't everything stance. It keeps the family fed, clothed and warm. It is security. Not something to sniff at.

@prettybelle obviously if it was the difference between feeding, eating and clothing and not having these things then it would be a different conversation and that's clearly not what I meant as her OH has been offered two jobs rolls eyes

Pumpkintopf · 14/03/2019 17:52

I'd take the contract.

icelollycraving · 14/03/2019 17:58

Yes, I’d push my husband to take it, he wouldn’t though as he never goes away from home.
That’s a great salary and could make all the difference. The early finish on a Thursday would give you a couple of days together before he goes back.

yearinyearout · 14/03/2019 18:12

I would be encouraging him to take it too. As you've said you could really do with the cash boost to help you buy a house, and if he hates it he can just do the 6 months and look for something else. It will improve his cv and improve his chances of finding something else afterwards.

ihearttc · 14/03/2019 18:23

My DH lost his job in the UK and now currently works(and therefore lives) on the other side of the world. We only see him every 6 weeks or so.

It has been hard but definitely doable...and it was the choice of that or no job!

sansou · 14/03/2019 18:45

There are a huge number of pharmaceutical jobs around Cambridge. If you're renting anyway, have you considered moving to an area where there are more jobs in his field.

SherlockSays · 14/03/2019 19:03

For 6 months, I think even I would find it hard to turn down - even though that would mean being away from 7 month old DD. DH would take it in a heartbeat because he's used to not seeing her in the week already.

SausageAndEgg · 14/03/2019 19:08

My husband works away for more money than that and he hates doing so, so doing it for less would be pretty horrible to expect. Knowing how it makes my husband feel I wouldn’t tell anybody to insist their husbands do it

sonjadog · 14/03/2019 19:28

I do this in my job and it is pretty exhausting tbh. I don't have children but I think I wouldn't want to do it if I did. But on the other hand, 6 months is not very long and it would make a big difference to your family, so I would definitely encourage him to have a go, but maybe on the understanding that if he really doesn´t want to do it long term, either you will move or he can give up the job.

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 20:21

Well that's it - I just got home and he has told me he turned the wrexham job down because he thinks he meeds a career change and is staying local. So we will never know what might have been but no point dwelling on it . We have a good busy life and money /hoildays and /or owning your own home is not the be all and end all evidentally. Hmm Thank you one and all for your advice, perspectives and sharing experiences - I really appreciate it more than you know ! I will be supporting him as I told him I would and i will never ever let him know how disappointed I was ! Xx thanks again each and every one of you x

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 14/03/2019 20:29

Sorry he's decided that, let's hope he done the right thing. You're a better woman than me, OP.