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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH turning down a very well paid job

322 replies

BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 09:06

Will try to be short ; DH was made redundant 18months ago and ,apart from a 6 week stint as a contractor, has not worked. He could not find work so after 7 months I left my low paid but great part time job to go full time locumming to bring in more money. To cut a long story short , after 18montgs finally he has two contract job offers on the table. Option 1 - local firm doing something not related to what he is qualified in and pay reflecting this - just above NLW . But pension and sick pay etc. Option 2 - working 400 miles away , compressed hours (4 days a week) doing what he is qualified to do for 6500 pounds a month. I don't need to say that that money woild be amazing for us - for anyone but he does not want to be away from home really . AIBU for thinking he is mad and selfish ???? Help Mumsnet I need sound advice and perhaps a cold bucket of water to stop me feeling put out ....Confused

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 23:52

Your updates do make a huge difference, it sounded like you just wanted him to earn big money so you could by a house and go back to being part time as opposed to be willing to make the same sacrifices yoi have to get you out of a hole of his partial doing

Janus · 15/03/2019 06:19

Is it worth telling your husband all this rather than bottling up how you feel? Just say you wanted to point out the benefits of such good money but can also see the downside but maybe could he consider it just for the 6 months so you get out of a shitty financial position? If you left your children to ‘step up’ and help the family why can’t he?
My husband works away in the week, we have 4 children. It’s not easy but once you have your routine it’s fine. This has been for about 10’years but he plans to retire early and we’re lucky he gets most school holidays off so we spend all that time together. There’s probably quite a few dads that don’t see their children for much more than an hour after work even though they work locally.
Sorry, I know he’s already accepted the other job but could he maybe still accept the other job if you voice your feelings too?

Intercity125 · 15/03/2019 07:09

Not rtft but read OP's posts and a few others.

Initially I was somewhat sympathetic to your husband not wanting to be so far from home plus while the first job is less pay it sounded more steady.

What I'm finding particularly hard to believe is given what I know of the area where you live and that his background is in pharma that he couldn't find work with the huge pharma employers up the road.

But then your posts about him not taking work seriously suggests he may have acquired a negative reputation in the industry? As I say I know the area (geographically and professionally) very well and such a reputation is a foolish thing to even risk getting. Is that what's happened?

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 15/03/2019 08:11

Aha intercity - you may be closer to the mark I think . He was at that big place up the road ( not as big as it used to be ) for 22 years. He then was made redundant when they shut the manufacturing side of the plant. He is very good at what he does when he is focused but to be brutally honest , has had various issues with sick leave and
Internal politics and then has always had a leaning towards alcohol dependency. Redundancy and contracting was supposed to be a fresh start. Wales would have been ideal - paid well, focused ( no family distractions ) and no one who knew him . Does that make sense ? Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 15/03/2019 08:11

Intercity is the pharma world really that small a world ? Maybe I am the one being naive !

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 15/03/2019 08:12

Take the money.

Twogirlsandme · 15/03/2019 08:21

I’m really surprised how many people are saying your DH is wrong for not taking the job.
I don’t think either of you or wrong or righty. Just have different opinions.
My view is I would never take a job that meant I wasn’t with my family for more than half the week, i would much rather be poorer and happy.

Intercity125 · 15/03/2019 08:24

"Intercity is the pharma world really that small a world ?" Yes it is, there are pros and cons to this of course.

I worked there almost 30 years ago, I still know people who work there now, but who didn't work there at the time I did. It's very much an industry where reputation is hugely influential but your dh knows this. If he's pissed off someone influential on hr/recruitment side he's really fucked up!

"various issues with sick leave and
Internal politics and then has always had a leaning towards alcohol dependency" yea none of that's good in any job, in pharma? Employment suicide! They're under such scrutiny (as it should be) and so vulnerable re litigation that employees really need to be above reproach.

You've gotta know how to "play the game"

Skittlesss · 15/03/2019 08:35

My view is I would never take a job that meant I wasn’t with my family for more than half the week, i would much rather be poorer and happy

Yeah, but there’s poor and then there’s losing your rented house and moving into temp accommodation. If you’re in the latter then you do what you can to support your family!

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 15/03/2019 08:44

Thanks intercity - that makes a lot of sense . I appreciate what you are saying BUT as a high functioning alcohol dependant no one he worked with would ever have known . He was very very careful (sneaky) at not allowing it to affect his
work . It was more the MH issues it masked and generated . He was very very good at what he does and saw redundancy as a fresh start. He was promised the world by RC s and this gave him high expectations.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 15/03/2019 08:45

Skittless- quite . We have been very very lucky to secure the house we have now. Leaky roof and all ! I am grateful for that x

OP posts:
lyralalala · 15/03/2019 08:50

Could he have had concerns about the potential for the drunk problem to have worsened if he was alone every evening?

Depending on your personality it can be quite isolating going back to a hotel or AirBnB, or even a bedroom if lodging with someone. There’s no way of knowing how sociable the colleagues would be so that would have been a big concern for me.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2019 08:51

My view is I would never take a job that meant I wasn’t with my family for more than half the week, i would much rather be poorer and happy
POORER and happy is fine.
Poor and unhappy in temporary accommodation with your kids because you didn't try very hard is not.
Poor and managing in a house with a dodgy room is OK short term but you both have to do whatever you can to resolve it.

OP if your landlord is being a dick, speak to the local Council. They should have someone who can inspect the property and speak to the landlord to push for repairs to be done

sansou · 15/03/2019 08:59

He needs to take any jobs now - after 18 mths. The local low paid non relevant to his field contract will bring in much needed income. Redundancy payment has obviously run out if you had to change accommodation due to lack of funds. Is there any reason why his permanent job search in his field isn't going anywhere apart from bad luck?

PrettyBelle · 15/03/2019 09:03

obviously if it was the difference between feeding, eating and clothing and not having these things then it would be a different conversation and that's clearly not what I meant as her OH has been offered two jobs rolls eyes*

Farmerswifey12 - the other job is just above NMW though? Not exactly an equally suitable option. They are in their 40s, they have kids and want to buy a house. So they do need a reasonable income.

Mishappening · 15/03/2019 09:04

I lived with a man unhappy in his job - it was purgatory. In the end he left and we were poorer, but it was infinitely preferable.

W0rriedMum · 15/03/2019 09:07

This field is being hammered because of Brexit and the uncertainty.
He needs to take a job urgently, or decide to leave that area and retrain, e.g. plumbing, tiler etc. (I don't know his skill set or education level).
He's too young to step out of the job market.
The OP sounds like she's Mrs Rabbit keeping all the plates in the air with working away and now full time. He needs to step back into the game.

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 15/03/2019 09:09

Thanks sleepy - it is why I feel why the way I do - feel let down again . And lyra that's probably very true I am sure. I am trying to be understanding I really really am ! Confused

OP posts:
lyralalala · 15/03/2019 09:12

Don’t get me wrong i can totally understand your frustration with it.

Just thinking perhaps he’s had to put a really sensible head on? The local job is nowhere near as well paid, but still better than getting himself sacked from the other job if the alcoholism got out of control.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/03/2019 09:20

It sounds as if he found working in the pharmaceutical industry very stressful and is reluctant to go back to it which is understandable. I don't think I minimum wage job is the answer though. He needs to consider retraining in a career that will hopefully be less stressful for him but will pay a higher wage. It's not fair to you or his children otherwise.

dreamingofsun · 15/03/2019 09:45

i agree with dungeon about needing to retrain and earn more money....even if its doing it through evening classes whilst working at minimum wage job. as i'm sure you know he needs to start sorting himself out - employment/attitude and alcohol wise. you should not be having to support the family more or less by yourself. personally i wouldnt be too understanding about all this as that will enable him to continue not shouldering his share of things.

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 15/03/2019 10:09

Dungeons and dreaming - yes we looked at retraining but of course it costs money which we don't have any spare really - the redundancy money has gone n9w and we have no savings . I am feeling a bit more optimistic and at peace with the decision all things considered. This local job is at a inks firm but it is international and it is branching out so perhaps the fresh start can be from the bottom there . Everyone's advice has been amazing on here I love Mumsnet xx

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/03/2019 10:24

After your updates I feel completely differently. I would feel the same as you, and would tell him so.

chocatoo · 15/03/2019 11:53

The underlying issue here is the alcohol abuse and that is what needs to be sorted before he can move on.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2019 14:31

You're a better woman than me.

That's unforgivable in my book. You don't make unilateral decisions without including your partner.

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