DH turning down a very well paid job

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Will try to be short ; DH was made redundant 18months ago and ,apart from a 6 week stint as a contractor, has not worked. He could not find work so after 7 months I left my low paid but great part time job to go full time locumming to bring in more money. To cut a long story short , after 18montgs finally he has two contract job offers on the table. Option 1 - local firm doing something not related to what he is qualified in and pay reflecting this - just above NLW . But pension and sick pay etc. Option 2 - working 400 miles away , compressed hours (4 days a week) doing what he is qualified to do for 6500 pounds a month. I don't need to say that that money woild be amazing for us - for anyone but he does not want to be away from home really . AIBU for thinking he is mad and selfish ???? Help Mumsnet I need sound advice and perhaps a cold bucket of water to stop me feeling put out ....

I'd not want to work that far away and wouldn't want my dp to either.

In addition to working 4 days a week, if your suggesting travelling there and back in between that's another day lost to travel.

So he gets to bust a gut and see you and any dc's 2 days a week? Unless I was completely in love with the job and basically wasn't bothered about dp I wouldn't do it.

However, if you're proposing moving 400 miles to accommodate this then I see no problem. You can see friends and relatives during holidays or they can visit you.

Agree with PP who say if you're willing to relocate, then do it. I had to put up with 6 months of DH leaving at 5am and returning at 8pm 4 days a week, which I hated. He wasn't even away so to speak, just a long commute and we had so little time together, which took its toll. We relocated to nearer his work, to a beautiful village with great schools and beautiful countryside surrounding us. Best decision we've ever made, and now DH gets home at 5pm on the dot every day

Bollocks!

Nobody would turn down that kind of money

Bollocks. I've done precisely that. I was earning a huge sum of money when I was 24. Company merged and out of our corporate dept of 6 and their dept of 10, they only wanted to keep me from our side. I turned it down because it would have entailed moving 200 miles away. They offered me more money - ridiculous money, because they really needed me and all my company experience. I still turned it down. I had no desire to move 200 miles away from friends and family.

Took redundancy. Had a long period of not working and enjoying myself after doing long hours for a few years, went freelance, and a few years later went into a totally different area. I earn many thousands of pounds less than I was ON, let alone OFFERED those 20 years ago. Don't regret it for one moment. My work life balance is far better.

Do you have kids? If so then no way should he take it unless you can all relocate. I wouldn't want to be away from my kids for that amount of time. Even if you don't, he's NBU. If he doesn't want to be away from home for that long then he's prioritising happiness over money which is no bad quality if you can live on a lower income. I would be secretly a bit gutted though, but wouldn't call him out on it.

Working away from home week in, week out is a fucking nightmare. I wouldn't do it and would turn down work that required it. Money is not the most important thing in the world.

As someone who’s spent their entire married life apart Monday to Friday, I’d say it’s no contest. Being together all the time is highly over rated. Anyone questioning £6500 a month, that works out at £406 a day which is on the low side for a contractor in a specialist field.

Is the job easily commutable by plane? If so the answer is take the job.

If he's already been out of work for 18 months very soon he'll be unemployable for anything other than poorly paying work. Your skills and shine disappear very quickly.

Many people work like this and make it work for their families. It's not ideal but when job security is so flimsy you don't want to uproot your whole family for 18 months. That's way more disruptive.

My husband is in his fifties and will likely be made redundant in the next 18 months. It's vanishingly unlikely he'll get a decent job locally. It will involve being away from home at least three days a week. It's just what he'll have to do. I'm just relieved he's so confident he'll get another job straight away.

I've had jobs with that much travel, I wouldn't recommend it.

It's tolerable for a person who is single, or wants to be.

Also as someone who’s husband works in another country and one of us flys every weekend I’d say for that kind of money do it. It’s quite nice being able to watch what you want to on the tv! Though if he is saying no it will be hard to force him.

Who are these people thinking its a day lost to travel? My DP works away during the week, late flight Sunday night, late flight back Thursday night. It's not ideal, and won't work for everyone, but its very doable. For that money? I'd consider what impact that could have on you and your life at home.

Should have said we can both work 4 days a week and we split the travel. We own a house in both countries.

No amount of money would induce me to work away from home, and I would rather have DH here and live in a cardboard box than not see him everyday.

My ex, I'd have happily packed him off to an oil rig for six months with the very occasional phone call. In fact I once suggested it.

Is the contract fix term? Is it possible to rent your house out and rent something nearer? Could you pick up your type of work in this new location?

For those saying this is nonsense I disagree. Being out of work for 18 months is not unusual for very senior positions in some industries such as financial services. (Although pay here doesn’t match very senior in finiancial world in London but u don’t know location of new job). OP - Who would cover accommodation, food and travel costs? Unlikely to find a rental flat for 4 days/week so if has to rent a place full time out of taxed income (unless he is contracting and can offset as a cost against tax) may well be a huge chunk of that income. Would there be extra childcare costs in his absence? Running two households is very expensive. Work those costs out first so you have a true picture to compare the two jobs.

I wouldn't want my dh to do this and I couldn't be away from my children for 4 days a week either.

Why can’t you just relocate? I don’t no if I’d be happy if my DH took a job like that, and he’s absolutly not selfish for being unsure, money’s great but you can’t get time back and if he’s got 2 offers on the table it shows other jobs will come up. I can see your point of view tho, I imagine the money would be great after him being out of work for so long

Dh works away Monday-Thursday. It’s hard at times, it’s stressful with the kids but the money means that we have making holidays and breaks and weekends doing fun stuff (whatever we want) so the time we spend as a family is quality time.

I'm really interested to know the industry. It's not crazy to have such extremes, it could just be difference between a self employed, temp, qualified role and a permanent non qualified role.

I'm a social worker and it's common for independent/agency social workers to commute that kind of distance for approx £40ph+ which is what the OP is saying he'd earn. We havee people coming from hundreds and hundreds of miles away and staying 3 or 4 days before going back each week.

It's a bit grim though OP and if you take into account no pension, sick pay, holiday pay you might find in real terms it might not be loads better. DH is self employed and to cover two weeks holiday we need to find an extra £1000 to cover lost earnings. It's hard.

If he's already been out of work for 18 months very soon he'll be unemployable for anything other than poorly paying work. Your skills and shine disappear very quickly.

Yes I agree. Its not worth relocating for a contract unless its going to turn into a long term job and the location is good for the whole family.

Even if he does this for just 6 months he will then be applying for jobs from an active role.

Travelling like this for work affects people differently. The parent at home carries a significant extra load and many have to compromise their own work opportunities to support it but that is a decision which will be specific to each situation.

I've done those contracts before I had children to take care off. It's exhausting whether you use the train, fly, drive or do a mixture. The contracts tend to get extended so a 6 month contract lasts a year. I could only cope up to 8 months before leaving.

Money like that sounds insane to those on lower pay but you get no employee benefits, and have to pay all your travel, accommodation, tax, etc costs. Also if you are knackered from doing the work it can take a month or more before you can face working again.

Saying that the last contract I did like that has enabled me to have consistent work for over 4 years even with time off to have a baby.

My dh works away. It’s not worth it.

What’s the point in having money if you don’t get to enjoy it together?
Would you do it if your roles were reversed?

It’s perfectly reasonable situation. The oil industry, for example, are picking up recruitment again and at that monthly wage is entirely believable.
I work away from home. It’s not easy but I am away for longer spells and home for longer spells so more balanced IYSWIM. The Mon-Thu grind is awful. My friend is on 3yr tenure over the same distance and flys Thu and Sun. he really only is home on Fri and Sat and is usually caught up in the whirl of family life during those days and he tells me he feels permanently exhausted. His DC are grown up too. He is 18mo into the contract and can’t wait ‘til it’s over. However, that said. It’s good money in An industry related position that puts you DH in a better position of getting a job nearer home or with better work/life balance down the line. The other option might sideline him outside of his qualification and experience and hamper his earning potential in the future.

I think Option 2 would be preferable IF it is/can be for a short period of time (12-18mo) and he can look for other work throughout.

Depends exactly on the contract tbh. Short term it’s a no brainier for me. Dh worked abroad for 6 months on exactly those sort of terms, and the dc and I stayed here. It’s happened a few times now, different contracts, and actually we’ve had no issues as I’m normally dashing around in the week with dc activities etc, and then in the evening we would FaceTime or phone, whatever. The kids also got a few trips to other countries out of it, and we made the most of times we were all here. It’s not always been easy, the time dh had to leave for a month just a few days after we moved house was ‘fun’ and I’ve had to be realistic about staying in with the kids as we have no other family nearby, but that’s not really a problem for me. This has been our life since the dc were 2 and 5, they’re now 6 and 9 and love telling people that daddy goes to work on an aeroplane 😁

Given the tough times you’ve had, as long as exact details can be agreed, I would go for the higher paid job. Having a job will lead to other opportunities, and if he’s capable of earning that sort of salary do you really think he would be satisfied with the sort of work paying so much less? Only you and he will know the answer to that. Working away from home is really not the nightmare so many people seem to think it is. Good luck.

Is it just that he doesn't want to work that far away from home, or has he got other concerns? As PP have said, how much of that salary would he have to spend on travel and accommodation and how much of it would the employer cover? How long is the contract for? Also, is the company legit/sound? I have had job offers that sounded wonderful but the company proceeded to collapse and/or have all sorts of reasons for not actually paying what they promised to pay. Also, depending on his line of work, is it something he is ethically comfortable with doing?

Its his choice, he's the one who has to do it! I applaud him for putting his family life over money.

I’m with you OP, the second job makes so much more sense. Just spoke to DP and he agrees. I’d be very unhappy if he turned something like this down, especially after 18 months not working.
You say contract, how long for? It’s not permanent and it’s great money, and his CV isn’t continuing to stagnate in the meantime. The distance out of context is difficult to judge though. London to Edinburgh is about that distance and very easy to do a couple of times a week by plane, but if neither you or the job are near airports that would be harder.