Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH turning down a very well paid job

322 replies

BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 09:06

Will try to be short ; DH was made redundant 18months ago and ,apart from a 6 week stint as a contractor, has not worked. He could not find work so after 7 months I left my low paid but great part time job to go full time locumming to bring in more money. To cut a long story short , after 18montgs finally he has two contract job offers on the table. Option 1 - local firm doing something not related to what he is qualified in and pay reflecting this - just above NLW . But pension and sick pay etc. Option 2 - working 400 miles away , compressed hours (4 days a week) doing what he is qualified to do for 6500 pounds a month. I don't need to say that that money woild be amazing for us - for anyone but he does not want to be away from home really . AIBU for thinking he is mad and selfish ???? Help Mumsnet I need sound advice and perhaps a cold bucket of water to stop me feeling put out ....Confused

OP posts:
cstaff · 14/03/2019 20:35

Sorry to hear that but fair play to you for backing him.

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 20:43

I am not also- I am secretly furious. As floofie said up the thread, we struggle to make ends meet every month and we live in a shitty rented house where the roof leaks . I worked away from my kids for 5 months Mon to Fri last year to step up when I needed to and he can't. So yes I am seething on the inside - but on the outside am calm and supportive and he will not be aware. Angry

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 14/03/2019 20:48

I'm sorry to say this but this isn't going to go away. Every time you can't afford something for your kids, you will feel angry. Every time something breaks and you can't afford to fix or replace it, you'll get angry. Every time you need an extension on a bill, you will get angry. And that's just everyday living. Then there's family holidays, and when you have to budget and budget and choose the cheapest option each time, you'll get angry.

People live like that everyday, but the hope is to work their way out of it. He had that chance and he's said no. As you say, you stepped up when you needed too and he's been out of work for 18 months and you really need the cash injection for the benefit of your family. But he won't do it.

It's going to simmer for a long time, so you really should speak to him about how you feel now.

BringMeTea · 14/03/2019 20:54

Sorry OP. That kinda sucks. He is clearly a bit scared to do it. Suppose I get that as he's been out of the game for so long. Flowers

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 20:57

It might not be clear, it might be that he genuinely doesn't want to work 300 miles away

Troels · 14/03/2019 20:59

It was OK for you to do last year and not him? I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue. What in hell makes him so special.

Lollypop701 · 14/03/2019 21:04

If you don’t tell him I think you will regret it op. It will come out in an argument in 3 months time etc. Best of luck

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 21:07

Thank you investigator - I am sure you are right but tbh I am too cross to talk about it now. He is on the ohone telling his bil all about how he no money is worth that even if it was for six months. I want to throw something at him . :( am such a cow. It just would have been nice to not worry about money as you say . So i suppose I am, in summary not BU and nor is he but anyeay now it doesnt matter anyway. Grr Angry

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 14/03/2019 21:09

Sadly, I agree with everyone else, you'll resent this for a very long time. I hadn't realised that you'd worked away from home to keep the ship afloat. My opinion of your husband is pretty low right now.

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 21:10

Thanks bring me tea and lollipop also - thanks to all of you lovely peeps xxx

OP posts:
OxanaVorontsova · 14/03/2019 21:12

That's incredibly inconsiderate and selfish of him. Agree you need to tell him how you feel, when you're ready, or it will fester.

ShesABelter · 14/03/2019 21:17

Honestly I'd be furious. Sounds more like he's lost his confidence in that role and is worried he wouldn't perform so settling for what he feels he is worth which is a lower paid job. That's what I done when going back to work after being a sahm a couple of years. Luckily fate worked in my favour and I ended up in a better role.

My husband worked away up to seven weeks at a time in Japan because we needed the money. I dont think those days were bad for the money. I understand your fury.

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 21:25

That's really interesting shesabelter- it's about choice and opportunity. The first contract he had last January he lasted 10 weeks. He didn't take it very seriously and did not like the line manager much so left because he thought ( RC s again) or was told that there was plentiful work and jobs available . None of them came through and he obsessed about it until he literally couldn't anymore. He swore to me if anything ever came up he would take it. He would do anything to make it up to us ( we lost the house we were renting at the time because we could not afford it and went into temporary accommodation ) and now here we are , about 8 months after he made that desperate promise and he has done EXACTLY THAT. It's shit . Have gone to bed I can't talk to him . I suppose I will have to talk to him at some point as you have all pointed out it's not healthy to bottle this up . It's just shit .

OP posts:
itsboiledeggsagain · 14/03/2019 21:25

I would be gutted if my dh had to do this.

Difficult times for your family op.

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 21:26

Sorry for whinging every one. Thank u xxx

OP posts:
Grace212 · 14/03/2019 21:30

don't call yourself a cow OP, you're not at all.

based on your updates about previous rented accomm you will need to talk to him, sooner rather than later I think. Flowers

chocatoo · 14/03/2019 21:36

You need to tell him how you feel. I would be extremely disappointed in your shoes. I think you need to blunt with him and probably somewhat less supportive - you are making it all too easy for him to do everything on his terms. Maybe you should start by reminding him of his promise. I really feel for you.

Farmerswifey12 · 14/03/2019 21:39

Hi OP,

Based on your updates since I first posted about it only being a 6 month contract and the sacrifices you have made, I now see it from your point of view. I think I would have asked him to suck it up for 6 months. I'm sorry you are disappointed, and agree with others that you need to speak to him

cstaff · 14/03/2019 21:46

Ah OP I'm sorry you feel so crap but this is not your doing. You definitely need to talk with your partner and have it out if necessary. I didn't realise until your last post how bad you had it financially. So much for the so called promises. It may be a lack of confidence but he has to start somewhere and this would have been ideal. Hope you manage to work things out Flowers

prettywhiteguitar · 14/03/2019 21:46

I think I would have been very honest about how he needed to take that job and how actually there wasn’t much choice in the matter.

I’m not surprised your seething

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 21:48

Apologies - I did not mean to drip feed i just wanted a straight yes or no kind of debate. I suppose inevitably its more complex than that . Thank you lovely people I am feeling a little calmer for talking to you all xx Flowers

OP posts:
Warpdrive · 14/03/2019 21:54

Take the contract! It’s only 6 months and if he really hates the lifestyle change then he can always give his notice.
He could take a flat nearby and you could join him for weekends here and there to help save him some of the travelling. The beaches in north wales are amazing so you could have a few mini breaks.

HerRoyalNotness · 14/03/2019 21:57

Wow he’s made an unwise decision given the circumstances. However maybe he feels he’s not up to the job, lack of self confidence maybe since he’s been off work? This would have been an ideal short contract to get back into it and prove to himself again he’s up to it.

What a shame

Warpdrive · 14/03/2019 21:57

Oh so sorry, I should have rtft. I would be angry too. :(

Skittlesss · 14/03/2019 22:16

Aah now with your updates I see why you wanted him to take it. Naively I thought that you were doing ok on your wage and that this was just about him being able to earn a lot. Sounds like there’s a lot more to it, but first he needs to accept a job, any job, and start to pull his weight in supporting his family.